Page 30

Book of 2016

"Page 30"

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

                                                             -          "The Times They Are A-Changin” by Bob Dylan

“You've changed things... forever.”  
                          -          The Joker, The Dark Knight

The decisions we make often come from no where.  One of the most important decisions of my life came at the age of 20.  A good friend walked into my dorm room.  Asked me to go study abroad with him.  I told him I didn't know how to plan a trip, he said he would do it all, and the next thing I know I was going to study abroad.  It was an experience that would change my life in more ways than you could possibly imagine.

Another may have came this morning.  After playing on face book and sharing inappropriate posts inappropriately with people.  As I was running down the list of posts, like I always do in the a.m. after I wake.  Trying to talk myself back into going to sleep, but none the less mesmerized by the stupid amount of information flashing before my eyes.  When I came upon the following link - http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23508/10-things-i-did-to-lose-160-pounds-without-ever-dieting.html  It is an article by a fellow named Joe Bernstein and it was a high level summery of his journey to loose 160 pounds.  

The article was in fact called "10 Things I Did To Lose 160 Pounds Without Ever Dieting" and as a fat man who has been on a none stop bender of fast food, sweets, and well anything I can get my hands for over a week and half, I always find things like this fascinating.  I want to believe there is a way to become healthy without cutting half my stomach out, or forcing myself to eat shit I don't want too.  

I did a quick scan down his list. When I say what I say following each item, it was just my initial thought on the topic. I am not judging this man, no, I am inspired by him, I want to learn from him, but also, I want to give a peak into the madness of my mind. 

  - Stopped Drinking Calories.  Well, I rarely drink soda, beer, or anything that isn't H20, except for my tow cups of decaf in the a.m., so I was like check.

  - Prepared Lunch for work.  Again, i passed over this one because, i often take my lunch to work.  When I don't I am usually found at Yalla, Whole Foods, Chipotle, or these days Pacific catch getting my eats on.  Which two of those places aren't bad, one can be ok, and one if fine if I stay off the chips. However, I was like I know I can make lunches and take to work.  Makes sense. 

  - He shortened My commute.  I just ran right past this one, b/c I am like well I ain't changing jobs, so this is out.

- He learned to cook.  I really thought I would get laid more when I learned to cook. I thought chicks dug a man who could cook.  I can cook.  However, passed over, b/c I know what to, and I know how to cook.  I have become a master meat maker.  I work the crockpots like a pro.  I even bake.  I thought that shit was sexy, but we are talking about my health here not my sex life, right, right. 

- He understood the value of real food.  Again, I agreed with this.  I know eating real food is important.  I know that the foods most of us eat is highly process chemicals that resemble food.  When the kid cooks, the kid cooks real food.  

- He got a dog.  He basically said he walked the dog every morning for an hour.  I like to walk. I like dogs.  I love the Shiner puppy.  She lying next to me sleeping right now.  But how do you work an hour walk in before work when you have to leave the house by 8 to get to work at 9:15?  It takes me an hour to get ready.  Yes, i said an hour.  I have to shit, shower, shav..... ok, i have to shit and shower, and I like to take my time.  I condition my hair, it is important to keeping it angle soft.  I also condition my beard, its nice.  So how?  I mean I have an hour to hour and half commute.  I would have to get up an hour earlier every day to walk the puppy.  But I would have to walk the puppy.  You can't neglect them.  So, maybe a dog isn't for me.

-  He went organic.  I think this makes sense.  Especially with eating real food. I skipped over it so  am not entirely sure how this is different from eating real food. 

-  He ate less meat.   I thought this was blasphemy.  You have to eat your cow, chicken, turkey, and pig man.  What the fuck.  then I said, you know what, I need to eat more veggies.  That is one of my issues, the veggies man.  This dude has a point but what i can't figure is why can't I learn to love veggies, why do I see them as boring and uninteresting annoyances.  

- He got dumped.  Well, can't lose what you don't have.  At the end of 13 and start of 14 I did have my heart broken.  I put it out there for the first time in years and it didn't go my way.  Great experience and I learned a lot about me from it.  But that is as close as I could get to that.  So, again, I just skimmed and moved on.  

-  He transformed his inner world.   I did read this but I didn't need too.  I know how important finding inner peace is.  I know how important it is to work on being positive.  I think this of all the items above is the most important.  Finding happiness within.  Finding a life you love and are proud of.  Finding your path.

I went back into facebook after reading.  I checked to see if my inappropriate intentions had been met, they hadn't at that time.  So, I lay and thought about this mans list.  This mans success and thought it should have been mine.  It could be mind.  He is living my life.  i have thought about this a lot about the last 6 months.  After I lost my way.  After I put most of my weight back on.  However, i just kept laying there thinking.  Three things kept coming back up over and over and over in my mind.  

1. Inner world.  Like I said I know this.  I do.  I listen to a book three nights a week, sometimes four about transferring the inner world.  Once a day I listen to positive affirmations.  Twice a day I stare in a mirror and tell myself I am accepted.  I have come to say after this from time to time "I accept myself unconditionally right now, WARTS and ALL!"  I am amazed at how little push back I get when I am doing this.   I am also amazed I can meet my own eyes.  

I also thought about the monkey on my back.  Not just the eating issues, but the reason for it.  I don't have the exact answer of what it is.  However, I am pulling a string.  I think I am afraid to be thin.  Stupid right?  Not so fast my friend.  The mind is a powerful thing.  it can be an ally or an enemy.  I am scared of a few things. One, what will I become?  A man who has been in solitude.  Who hasn't had confidence with the ladies, will I become some sort of womanizer?  Its not really far fetched.  However, it is more than that.  It is the darkness that lies beneath.  The thoughts that we all have but I obsessive over.  The thoughts that drove me to a football stadium on a warm fall evening, telling myself we either got better or else. It is the black.  The unknown, it is the ultimate what if.  I can't tell this tale now, I am not ready.  However, thru Brent's tale (see page 23, and 28) maybe I will be able to unravel this finally and spin the tale of hope, madness, and finally redemption.  I have a lot to work on.  I have to be find my way thru this rabbit hole.

2.  Dog.  It is a no brainier.  It is long over do.  I need someone in my life.  Someone who can be here more than Shiner.  Although, I do want a puppy just like that sweet angel.  I need it for several reasons.  One to walk.  No more excuses Billy b, get your fat ass up and walk.  If you have a baby who needs you to take them then what else can you do but go.  It is just time.  An earnest search shall begin for Shiner's cousin.  I am not sure what kind of do I want yet.  However, I will get one.  Maybe a yellow lab like Shiner.  I do love her. Maybe not.  I always pictured me with a black dog, that was well named Black DAWG.  Its time to have someone else in my life full time. 

3. Perhaps it is finally time to accept I am not going anywhere else for the foreseeable future in my career.  I have to accept that I love my job.  It is an important part of who I am and what I do.  I love the team I am building. I am putting solid corner stones in place.  Soon, my team will be not just good but super awesome!  It's on its way.  i also have to accept that fact that the only two things keeping me in San Jose now, well it is actually 3, are in no particular order: Shiner, David, and Rachel.  To some extent Dorothy, but Dorothy has two little ones now.  She drives close to my house four times a day and we see each other once every six months or so.  Our lives have just changed.  However, I can't stay just for those three.  I can't drive an hour each way just for that.  I have nothing else holding me here.  Sure, I have a house, a house that I walked into and knew it was my house.  However, there are other worlds than these.  I want to cut out the commute. I want to be closer to the office, so I don't have to worry about an hour or more wasted each way.  I can't believe I am saying or thinking this but maybe it is time to take my game to the Tri-Valley area.  It is a huge decision.  However some how after only thinking about it for five hours, I already have a real estate agent, and a potential renter for my house.  Maybe, my heart knows it is time to leave the ghosts of this broken life behind.  All houses have ghosts that haunt them.  If they are not other worldly, then they are the memories that haunt us and fade in and out.  My house has ghosts.  Not many, and not all bad.  However, maybe, just maybe it is time for a change.  Fact!  When I was home every night by 5:30 or 6, i cooked dinner for msyelf each night.  Fact!  I stay in the office till 7 just to avoid traffic.  Fact, when I get home 8 or later, I don't want eat at home because I don't want to do dishes.  I am not saying that i am fat b/c I commute.  However, I does contribute.  The drive stresses me out.  Traffic stresses me out.  I can sit here and say I don't mind it, but that is a lie.  I do mind it.  I mind having to drag myself out of bed to get ready to get in the car for an hour.  I  mind that if I drink to bottles of water in the a.m., one to take my pills, and one after a walk, that by the time I get to Fremont, I have to piss so bad, I can taste it.  I hate by the time drive home, have enough time to talk myself out of the gym and eating at home.  An hour is a long time for me to talk to myself about working out or going home to eat my prepared food.  I honestly don't know if I really want to move or not.  What I do know is it is a string and I am pulling on it.  I like the Tri-valley area.  I always have.  I think Livermore, Pleasanton, and Dublin are nice. That i miss my lap swimming on Black Avenue up there and coach Laurie with the nice legs. I like the idea of upgrading my kitchen, and having a back yard.  I like the idea of moving to some extent.  Again, this is a fart in the wind, who knows where it will wind up.  Maybe, some where, maybe i will blow away, or maybe it will linger.  I don't know.  Also, i have only been thinking about this for 12 hours, but I have to admit, it sounds good.  Being closer to work.  Getting two hours of my life back.  

It is time to take the next step one way or another.  Things have changed forever and there is no going back.  You can't go back.  Never go back.  There is only time for moving forward.