Sunday, January 31, 2016

Page 31







Book of 2016
"Page 31"



Got a bug up my ass today and decided it was time to have a shot of wheat grass.  I got one for me and Rachel.
I wanted her to get this in film bc I assumed my face would be priceless as I puckered up in disgust!
To my surprise it wasn't bad.  Also, I was told at whole foods this am I looked homeless.  I wanted to go out side and see if anyone would give me cash in a cup.  I wasn't allowed to do this.
Oh!  That is where I put my trash bags!  WTF I must have been tired when I did that.  Looked everywhere for ten yesterday.
Helping Rachel get jumped started on Paleo today.  We decided to make 4 different things.  Sorry David I'll feed you next week.  I feel bad.  I should have doubled everything.
we made a nice beef and broccoli it called for apples.  
And carrots.
Also, mixed up some soup.  Butternut squash!


Then it was chili time!


Back to the broccoli beef.
Did I tell you that I also whipped up some  chicken, pumpkin, and curry.

At one point I had 4 crock pots going.  

Chili and Broccoli beef chilling after 6 hours in the crock pot.
I also fried up some bacon.  It goes with my soup!

I puréed some soup.



Then I needed to have some dinner.  So I whipped up a pizza.
Pizza is done!  Paleo style!

Good ready for the week, all ready to go!

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Page 30



Book of 2016
"Page 30"

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.
                                                             -          "The Times They Are A-Changin” by Bob Dylan

“You've changed things... forever.”  
                          -          The Joker, The Dark Knight


The decisions we make often come from no where.  One of the most important decisions of my life came at the age of 20.  A good friend walked into my dorm room.  Asked me to go study abroad with him.  I told him I didn't know how to plan a trip, he said he would do it all, and the next thing I know I was going to study abroad.  It was an experience that would change my life in more ways than you could possibly imagine.

Another may have came this morning.  After playing on face book and sharing inappropriate posts inappropriately with people.  As I was running down the list of posts, like I always do in the a.m. after I wake.  Trying to talk myself back into going to sleep, but none the less mesmerized by the stupid amount of information flashing before my eyes.  When I came upon the following link - http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23508/10-things-i-did-to-lose-160-pounds-without-ever-dieting.html  It is an article by a fellow named Joe Bernstein and it was a high level summery of his journey to loose 160 pounds.  

The article was in fact called "10 Things I Did To Lose 160 Pounds Without Ever Dieting" and as a fat man who has been on a none stop bender of fast food, sweets, and well anything I can get my hands for over a week and half, I always find things like this fascinating.  I want to believe there is a way to become healthy without cutting half my stomach out, or forcing myself to eat shit I don't want too.  

I did a quick scan down his list. When I say what I say following each item, it was just my initial thought on the topic. I am not judging this man, no, I am inspired by him, I want to learn from him, but also, I want to give a peak into the madness of my mind. 
  - Stopped Drinking Calories.  Well, I rarely drink soda, beer, or anything that isn't H20, except for my tow cups of decaf in the a.m., so I was like check.
  - Prepared Lunch for work.  Again, i passed over this one because, i often take my lunch to work.  When I don't I am usually found at Yalla, Whole Foods, Chipotle, or these days Pacific catch getting my eats on.  Which two of those places aren't bad, one can be ok, and one if fine if I stay off the chips. However, I was like I know I can make lunches and take to work.  Makes sense. 
  - He shortened My commute.  I just ran right past this one, b/c I am like well I ain't changing jobs, so this is out.
- He learned to cook.  I really thought I would get laid more when I learned to cook. I thought chicks dug a man who could cook.  I can cook.  However, passed over, b/c I know what to, and I know how to cook.  I have become a master meat maker.  I work the crockpots like a pro.  I even bake.  I thought that shit was sexy, but we are talking about my health here not my sex life, right, right. 
- He understood the value of real food.  Again, I agreed with this.  I know eating real food is important.  I know that the foods most of us eat is highly process chemicals that resemble food.  When the kid cooks, the kid cooks real food.  
- He got a dog.  He basically said he walked the dog every morning for an hour.  I like to walk. I like dogs.  I love the Shiner puppy.  She lying next to me sleeping right now.  But how do you work an hour walk in before work when you have to leave the house by 8 to get to work at 9:15?  It takes me an hour to get ready.  Yes, i said an hour.  I have to shit, shower, shav..... ok, i have to shit and shower, and I like to take my time.  I condition my hair, it is important to keeping it angle soft.  I also condition my beard, its nice.  So how?  I mean I have an hour to hour and half commute.  I would have to get up an hour earlier every day to walk the puppy.  But I would have to walk the puppy.  You can't neglect them.  So, maybe a dog isn't for me.
He went organic.  I think this makes sense.  Especially with eating real food. I skipped over it so  am not entirely sure how this is different from eating real food. 
He ate less meat.   I thought this was blasphemy.  You have to eat your cow, chicken, turkey, and pig man.  What the fuck.  then I said, you know what, I need to eat more veggies.  That is one of my issues, the veggies man.  This dude has a point but what i can't figure is why can't I learn to love veggies, why do I see them as boring and uninteresting annoyances.  
- He got dumped.  Well, can't lose what you don't have.  At the end of 13 and start of 14 I did have my heart broken.  I put it out there for the first time in years and it didn't go my way.  Great experience and I learned a lot about me from it.  But that is as close as I could get to that.  So, again, I just skimmed and moved on.  
He transformed his inner world.   I did read this but I didn't need too.  I know how important finding inner peace is.  I know how important it is to work on being positive.  I think this of all the items above is the most important.  Finding happiness within.  Finding a life you love and are proud of.  Finding your path.

I went back into facebook after reading.  I checked to see if my inappropriate intentions had been met, they hadn't at that time.  So, I lay and thought about this mans list.  This mans success and thought it should have been mine.  It could be mind.  He is living my life.  i have thought about this a lot about the last 6 months.  After I lost my way.  After I put most of my weight back on.  However, i just kept laying there thinking.  Three things kept coming back up over and over and over in my mind.  

1. Inner world.  Like I said I know this.  I do.  I listen to a book three nights a week, sometimes four about transferring the inner world.  Once a day I listen to positive affirmations.  Twice a day I stare in a mirror and tell myself I am accepted.  I have come to say after this from time to time "I accept myself unconditionally right now, WARTS and ALL!"  I am amazed at how little push back I get when I am doing this.   I am also amazed I can meet my own eyes.  

I also thought about the monkey on my back.  Not just the eating issues, but the reason for it.  I don't have the exact answer of what it is.  However, I am pulling a string.  I think I am afraid to be thin.  Stupid right?  Not so fast my friend.  The mind is a powerful thing.  it can be an ally or an enemy.  I am scared of a few things. One, what will I become?  A man who has been in solitude.  Who hasn't had confidence with the ladies, will I become some sort of womanizer?  Its not really far fetched.  However, it is more than that.  It is the darkness that lies beneath.  The thoughts that we all have but I obsessive over.  The thoughts that drove me to a football stadium on a warm fall evening, telling myself we either got better or else. It is the black.  The unknown, it is the ultimate what if.  I can't tell this tale now, I am not ready.  However, thru Brent's tale (see page 23, and 28) maybe I will be able to unravel this finally and spin the tale of hope, madness, and finally redemption.  I have a lot to work on.  I have to be find my way thru this rabbit hole.

2.  Dog.  It is a no brainier.  It is long over do.  I need someone in my life.  Someone who can be here more than Shiner.  Although, I do want a puppy just like that sweet angel.  I need it for several reasons.  One to walk.  No more excuses Billy b, get your fat ass up and walk.  If you have a baby who needs you to take them then what else can you do but go.  It is just time.  An earnest search shall begin for Shiner's cousin.  I am not sure what kind of do I want yet.  However, I will get one.  Maybe a yellow lab like Shiner.  I do love her. Maybe not.  I always pictured me with a black dog, that was well named Black DAWG.  Its time to have someone else in my life full time. 

3. Perhaps it is finally time to accept I am not going anywhere else for the foreseeable future in my career.  I have to accept that I love my job.  It is an important part of who I am and what I do.  I love the team I am building. I am putting solid corner stones in place.  Soon, my team will be not just good but super awesome!  It's on its way.  i also have to accept that fact that the only two things keeping me in San Jose now, well it is actually 3, are in no particular order: Shiner, David, and Rachel.  To some extent Dorothy, but Dorothy has two little ones now.  She drives close to my house four times a day and we see each other once every six months or so.  Our lives have just changed.  However, I can't stay just for those three.  I can't drive an hour each way just for that.  I have nothing else holding me here.  Sure, I have a house, a house that I walked into and knew it was my house.  However, there are other worlds than these.  I want to cut out the commute. I want to be closer to the office, so I don't have to worry about an hour or more wasted each way.  I can't believe I am saying or thinking this but maybe it is time to take my game to the Tri-Valley area.  It is a huge decision.  However some how after only thinking about it for five hours, I already have a real estate agent, and a potential renter for my house.  Maybe, my heart knows it is time to leave the ghosts of this broken life behind.  All houses have ghosts that haunt them.  If they are not other worldly, then they are the memories that haunt us and fade in and out.  My house has ghosts.  Not many, and not all bad.  However, maybe, just maybe it is time for a change.  Fact!  When I was home every night by 5:30 or 6, i cooked dinner for msyelf each night.  Fact!  I stay in the office till 7 just to avoid traffic.  Fact, when I get home 8 or later, I don't want eat at home because I don't want to do dishes.  I am not saying that i am fat b/c I commute.  However, I does contribute.  The drive stresses me out.  Traffic stresses me out.  I can sit here and say I don't mind it, but that is a lie.  I do mind it.  I mind having to drag myself out of bed to get ready to get in the car for an hour.  I  mind that if I drink to bottles of water in the a.m., one to take my pills, and one after a walk, that by the time I get to Fremont, I have to piss so bad, I can taste it.  I hate by the time drive home, have enough time to talk myself out of the gym and eating at home.  An hour is a long time for me to talk to myself about working out or going home to eat my prepared food.  I honestly don't know if I really want to move or not.  What I do know is it is a string and I am pulling on it.  I like the Tri-valley area.  I always have.  I think Livermore, Pleasanton, and Dublin are nice. That i miss my lap swimming on Black Avenue up there and coach Laurie with the nice legs. I like the idea of upgrading my kitchen, and having a back yard.  I like the idea of moving to some extent.  Again, this is a fart in the wind, who knows where it will wind up.  Maybe, some where, maybe i will blow away, or maybe it will linger.  I don't know.  Also, i have only been thinking about this for 12 hours, but I have to admit, it sounds good.  Being closer to work.  Getting two hours of my life back.  

It is time to take the next step one way or another.  Things have changed forever and there is no going back.  You can't go back.  Never go back.  There is only time for moving forward.   

Friday, January 29, 2016

Page 29




Book of 16
- Page 29 - 



Brent Tale a continuation from from Page 23




Ah, at the school of business at last.  Brent often would think things like this up when he walked or was in his bed at night.  He was a dreamer and had always been a dreamer.

Marketing Discussion was not one of Brent’s favorite classes; in fact he despised his junior years class, because of their discussions.  He hit the elevator button for the fourth floor and thought about how much he dreaded the next few hours.  Maybe today they would get out early?
Brent stepped into the elevator and hit the fourth floor.  He was alone, and he stepped back and put his back against the wall of the elevator and grabbed the rail and held on.  Brent was scared of elevators, not necessarily because they went up, but more because it was a confined space and he hated confined spaces.  What if he got stuck in it?  He would lose his mind he thought.  There was a light on the ceiling, not an escape door.  The doors opened, he had made it.
He walked down the hall, past the other set of elevators that you could take if you entered through the front door.  Then he made an immediate left.  All the while looking at the ground.  He reached for the door and opened it.  Damn he was early.  He did not want to spend anymore time in this room than he had too.
He went to his assigned seat and sat down.  Pulled out his folder and took out some paper.  Next he went to his case too take out a pen.  “Motherfucker” he thought to himself.  “Someone has been fucking with my shit again.”  He hated it when people touched his pens and pencils.  On the first day of the semester he chooses two pens and two pencils for classes and does not change them unless they run out or get broken.  Because he thought if you changed pens and pencils during a semester then you would jinx yourself and not do as well as you would have, if you stayed with the originals.  Last night his roommates must have taken them.  He was annoyed.  So, he grabbed the only pen that was left and had to use it.  He dated his paper and began to stair out the window.  “What if something terrible happened to her?  Does she need me?”  His mind was drifting again.

“Hey Brent!  What’s up?”  Said a familiar female voice.
As Brent turned from the window, he saw Arlene Balder sitting down next to him.
“Balder, what is up?”  Brent said with a smile.
Balder and Brent had know each other for almost a year now, but she had known about him for longer than that.  Balder had a sorority sister that dated one of Brent’s fraternity brothers and the sorority sister was a big fan of Baldwin’s.  Since Baldwin is what most people call him around the frat; therefore she would always call her Arlene Baldwin instead of Balder, for no other reason than their names were so similar.
One night last spring there was a party at Brent’s frat house.  He was walking down the hall when he swore that he could hear a girl calling him by his last name.  He turned around and asked the girl what she wanted. She explained that she was not talking to him but her friend, which was Arlene.  It seemed as a lot of her friends called hear Baldwin.  That is how Brent and Arlene met.  It turned out that they had a class together that spring and they began to become acquaintances.  Then this year they had all of their business classes together.  A friendship was definitely developing and would blossom in the future.
Brent really liked Balder.  He was glad he had a chance to talk to her in class.  She made the monotonous classes seem a little better.  She was a little shorter than Brent was and had a good figure.  She had dark hair that she had pulled back today and had a few freckles under her dark eyes.  Brent was attracted to her in a way that he really could not explain and he never told anyone about it.
“Not much!”  She said with a grin that showed her teeth.
“Guess what?”  He replied
“What”
“I see your not going to play along this morning.  I am going to Maastricht!”  Brent said with extreme excitement.
“No way, that will be so awesome.  Are you excited.”
“So pumped!  I can not wait to go.”
“I have a good friend that is going.  Her name is Mandy.  She is so excited.”
“You will have to introduce me, because if she is a friend of yours then she will have to be a friend of mine.”
“No problem.”
“Great Jamil is here, I guess I will chat with you later, class time.”

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Page 28



Book of 16
Page 28

Another day.  A good day?  A bad day? Just another day? Look I got a stain on my shirt, again.  Nothing to report.  Same shit different day.  Keep doing the same dumbass thing over and over again.  This time will be different.  This time never really is.

Do dreams tell us what we can't see for ourselves?  Do they tell us it's time to let go?  Time to move on?  What does it mean when a bad dream haunts you all day long?  That it effects your mood and distracts from your learning.  What's in dreams anyway?  It haunts my thoughts. It haunts my soul.  Letting is something I've never been good at.  But the time for moving along has long since passed.  This is the way of things.  Can't look back, only look ahead.  Find your way.  Find your path.  Fuck how it haunts me though.  It dances in my mind.  Push it away and learn from it.  Follow your path down the beam.  Move on?  Moving on

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Page 27

Book of 2016
- Page 27 -
 
 
Things not to eat before you are giving a presentation to Sales!
 
 
As the title so daftly describes this blog is going to be about what I shouldn't have eaten before I did a presentation with sales.  While there are certainly arguments to be made that I shouldn't have eaten anything before my presentation because I am such a well known slob that I drop everything on me.  Was it not just the other day when and employee ripped on me by saying what shirt don't you have that doesn't have ketchup stains on it.  I was damn, that is pretty harsh.  Then I thought about it and I was like well if the show fits wear it.
 
So why on either did I think it was a good idea today to eat a burrito bowl from Chipotle that had rice, sour cream, guac, and beans in it?  Don't know? Neither do I.  If you look at the picture you can see at least 4 wet spots where I had to whip myself down with shout whips.  The issue was with each bit, i just kept dropping more and more on me.  I went thru a total of three, yes three shout whips well I was eating lunch today.  Each time I got jut a little bit more on.  I had so much shout on my shirt that it looked like I spilled water all over myself.  
 
thank goodness for shout!  It totally took the stains out and when I went to my presentation you couldn't see the spots anymore.  YAY!  
 
I have presenting in front of people.   I am so bad at it.  I got thru it, I feel like we did a really good job.  However, our material is so borrowing.  Who wants to learn about process.  UGGG.... Anyway, I give it a 6 or 7 out of 10. I was lucky Chrissy was with me b/c she was solid up there. I think we tag teamed it pretty well. I think we flowed well. I don't know. Not bad for our first time together with no practice.  =)
 
Back to work. 

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Page 26





Book of 2016
- Page 26 -
 
 
I have a seed problem.  I can't even tell you how many bags I've eaten recently.  I love them though.  I love the to crack them and spit the shell out.  I eat less when I am cracking seeds.  I don't crave dessert or sweets.  I walked today.  It was a short nice walk.  I was so happy to get outside this morning.  Still working on my positive imagining.  Starting to feel better about me.  It's a slow day on the blog front.  I have done my saying every day into the mirror.  I'm listening to my affirmations each morning.  Three times a week in listening to book on self help on the way home.  Working hard to get the mind right.  Get the mind right body will follow!

Monday, January 25, 2016

Page 25







Book of 2016
- Page 25 -




St. Peyton, the savior of the Colts franchise.   The leader of the three headed monster.  The Man, the Myth, the Legend. 

I am a Colts fan.  I can't say that I have always been a Colts fan, but I have always been from Indiana, therefore, when I first moved to California I realized how much I actually loved my home state. I found myself rooting for IU (my alma mater, grew up and still am a Purdue fan, i am a rarity in my home state, someone who can root for both IU and Purdue with equal conviction, but that is another story for another day.), but for the Colts, and the  even Cubs again (my break with the Cubs happened in 87 and I have my reasons, but again, another story, for another day).

Long story short here is I am not a Bronco's fan.  I rooted against Peyton two Super Bowls ago.  I couldn't stand the thought of him winning in anything but Colts blue and white.  I look back now and wish I hadn't felt that way, but it is what it is.

Manning took such a beating this year, that I couldn't help but want him to come out and prove everyone wrong.  I couldn't help but want him to lead another group of horses to the Super Bowl.  Plus, he was playing Brady and those of us who are Colts fans, do fancy the Pats are rivals.  I have even found myself rooting harder against Brady than for the Colts these days.  So, when Manning v Brady 17 came up I assumed like most of the world that Brady would win.  That he would go on to be the first five time winner of the super bowl.  However, Peyton played just well enough not to let that happen.  And when it was all said and done, I was just as nervous watching Peyton that game as  I was in the Super Bowl in 06.    I was heart broken and stopped watching football for a year after 09 but was shitting bricks the whole game then too, and it was happening all over again but this time in a different uniform.  I was screaming at the TV when brady drove down three times in the 4th and almost one that fucking game.  I was elated when it was finally over and Peyton Manning was taking his team, even though it was not mine, to another Super Bowl.

I am not going to lie, I want the fairy tale ending. I want Peyton to ride off into the sunset after this season. (then again I wanted him to retire in 2011).  I want him to win the big game one more time.  I am going to root for him. I like Cam, I like the Panthers, but I want Peyton to win. I think if he goes out like Elway did, if he goes out a winner, that is how he will be remembered and how he should be remembered.  Any time you talk about Manning you talk about the chokes, and the missed opportunities.  How Bill Belichick had his number. How he couldn't win the big game.  I know if the Broncos are to win, it will have to be because of that vaunted defense showed up and laid an ass whopping on Cam.  However, it will be Manning's fairy tale ride and I want  that for him.  I am a dreamer and I want Manning to go out with the dream.

I think in reality, I understand what I want is a tall order. I know that Cam and company are freaking good and they are destroying the competition right now.  Two of the best teams in the leg or that were thought were best in the leg they took out behind the woodshed.  So, I am thinking the Broncos are in trouble. I wouldn't have thought so until I saw what the Panthers did to Seattle and then Arizona.  I think the defenses will cancel each other out.  so it comes down to the which QB can make the play. Unfortunately I am thinking youth will win out.  I am thinking that Cam just has more juice right now than Peyton.  I hate saying that.  I don't want it to be true, but I think it will be and that makes me sad.  I will root for the fairy tale!  I will root for St. Peyton but that isn't enough.

Either way, win or lose, he will go out as my favorite quarterback of all time.  I will never forget the religious experience that was watching him play at Lucas Oil.  When the crowd would sit down and shut up every time he stepped on the field.  I remember I got chills when that happened, just like I got chills with number 18 pulled another rabbit out of his hat. 


Sunday, January 24, 2016

Page 24


Book of 2016
- Page 24 -



[To a bartender, while drinking.]
Fox Mulder: "I'm the key figure in an ongoing government charade, the plot to conceal the truth about the existence of extraterrestrials. It's a global conspiracy, actually, with key players in the highest levels of power, that reaches down into the lives of every man, woman, and child on this planet, so, of course, no one believes me. I'm an annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers. They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder, whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid and who now chases after little green men with a badge and a gun, shouting to the heavens or to anyone who will listen that the fix is in, that the sky is falling and when it hits it's gonna be the shit-storm of all time."

1-24-16

The truth is I am not  nearly as fired up for the X-files rival tonight as I was about the rebirth of Star Wars or even when I found out the Twin Peaks was getting a 2nd chance.   Make no mistake I am excited.  Make no mistake I will be watching over the next six episodes and hoping for a 3rd Movie at some point.  However, the truth is I have often been very critical of Chris Carter.  I to this day feel like he has lost his way.  I feel like he built something and had no idea how to finish it.  He left so many questions unanswered.  I came to the show as a late fan, but when I became a fan, I was a loyal one.  Garrison "Uncle Gary" and I watched liked religious zealots.  Going to the video store late at night looking for any episode we could get our hands on.  The formula was simple.  A good dip, and the X-files and that is all you needed.  Uncle Gary and I also each drove two hours to watch fight the future together in West Lafayette.  Why, b/c we were fans.  WE would call each other after college to see what the other thought.  So, I wasn't surprised when Uncle Gary texted me before I could text him.  I had been thinking about sending him a text all week, asking if he still wanted to believe. I know I did.  There are certain movies, songs, and TV shows that change your life.  When I was 15 the  Godfather changed my life.  I was 15, and obsessed with a girl that I thought I would love forever. I was miserable.  I was on Spring Break my freshmen year in Orlando.  When I walked to the video store with Chris Flack (happy b-day btw flackster!) and I picked up the Godfather.  I remember starting it and being mesmerized by it.  It fixed me.  I forgot about her, the first of man hers.  It gave me my confidence back, and the rest was history.  I spent my high school years wanted to be a gangster.  Wishing I could pull the strings.  If you read yesterday's blog you got a little sense of that dream.  In 1997 I borrowed a CD from my good buddy Chip.  It was The Jerry Garcia Band, double album, the name escapes me know, however, what doesn't escape me or what never will is the Jerry's version of "Tangled Up in Blue".  From that moment on, music came a live to me.  It was something more than just background noise.  It was art.  I would become a big dead head over the following years.  I am not sure how much money I have spent on Dead music between listening to that song and now but it is a lot.  A love affair was begun.  Then there was the X-files.  The watched the first episodes after the NFC Championship game.  Green Bay won, I hated that.  I didn't like them.  It was a strange episode one about a tree who would take people.  The tree was alive.  However, once again I was hooked. I like Mulder and Scully.  I liked the suspense and the unknown.  However, it was later when I was introduced by Mark Kemp and Uncle Gary to the alien colonization storyline and now I was really hooked.  That is when the late night video runs started.  That is when I had 5 years of tv to catch up, b/c damn it a movie was due out the following summer and I needed to know.  I needed to know the truth.  My mythology is some strange mix of King, X-files, Star Wars, and the Music of the grateful dead.  So, here we are tonight, waiting for this awful NFC Championship game to get over so the X-files will come on.  Again,  I cross my fingers and hope that this can capture my attention how the Walking Dead, Supernatural, and Game of Thrones has.  TV has changed so much since the last time the X-files was on TV.  I am hopeful!  Fingers crossed!  However, I will leave you with a rant form 1999.  A young Billy b back then who was going to build his own mythology much like Chris Carter.  I was bitter when they replaced Mulder.  I was bitter Carter kept changing the direction of the show.  But here we are I am still a fan and I am still waiting to watch.  Most of all I still WANT TO BELIEVE!  The Truth is Out there.  Trust NO ONE...



11-7-99

My life has been a lot like bad fight lately, as soon as I recover from a sucker punch I get kneed in fucking nuts.    As if the last week and a half had not been hard enough for me lately.  Having to deal with that wedding in Hollywood and all, and for crying out loud I am sure the fuck not talking about Jennifer and Brad's wedding.     One of the greatest minds in TV, or in any art for that matter was lost late last week.  He was one of the very first people to truly inspire me to free my mind and not to fear my creative side.  Instead he taught me to embrace it and run with it.  To not hold anything back, if my mind to have fang-snarling monster running around the city with big swords fight alien beings with super natural powers then those to say fuck it and put it down on paper.  I mean after the man wrote about little green men, whom had over taken the government, as we know it only to set up a colonization to create alien-human hybrids to spawn the future of our planet.  He was truly a founder of mythology, and his passing will be mourned.  Chris Carter, the creator of "The X-Files", sold out last week, when he inevitably gave up creativity, respect, and loyalty in order to make a few extra dollars.  In the mind of this X-file fanatic, he committed the ultimate sin, by replacing our hero Agent Fox Mulder, with that fucking idiot who is most famous for chasing some young fuck around a city and getting asta la vista by Arni in T2, I mean what the fuck was this guy thinking.  If he could not pull it of with fucking Spindler how is he ever gonna pull this off.  Do me a fucking favor would you and take into consideration the mythology, the fans, and for Christ sakes your fucking self-respect, I mean what the fuck are you doing.  He I got a great idea, I could go out like fucking MJ, on the top of my profession, in my prime, or I can go out like fucking Evander Hollyfield war torn and beaten with everyone saying back in the day he was the man.  I mean sometimes enough is a fucking enough.  I am a true believer; I have a shrine built in my room to the fucking show.  Two posters, look motherfucker I want to believe ok.  But some things just have to be brought to an end.  Like Rypkins streak, I mean the iron man was stud playing ever day for however long, but hey he even got a little fucking tired and said "enough".  Chris however coming of some outrageously successful shows "Millennium" and "Harsh Realm" which do not get me fucking wrong was the greatest show to only air three episodes I have ever seen, seems to think he has what it takes to out last his creation.  Give me a fucking break.  One thing and one thing only made the X-Files and that was David Duchovony, yea it was not his great acting either, has anyone witnessed the amazing piece he did in "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead"?  Now it was his presentation of the great Agent Mulder, that made that show.  The preposterous theories, the simple fact that he could find the paranormal in a bulimic person throwing up.  I mean get fucking real, he was great.  But Chris is doing something people can only learn the hard way, and it is unfortunate that he will even attempt replace Fox.    

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Page 23

Book of 2016
- Page 23 -


When Brent woke up that morning, it was like every other morning of his life for the last two years.  That was because his first thought was of her.  He was worried; he had not talked to her in a week and a half.  They usually talked every Sunday.  Something must be terribly wrong.  What if she had an accident or if she was sick.  Would her family let him know that something had happened?  He walked down the stairs from the cold dorm, something must be wrong.  
He pulled out his shower tray and his towel and headed towards the bathroom.  He would be showering alone this morning, which he preferred.   It was not like last year when he and two of his pledge brothers would sing and talk their early morning shower time away.  But now one was gone and the other soon to follow, no this morning it was just him and his mind.
He turned on his shower.  Of the six showerheads in the houses’ second floor bathroom he chose the same one that he always did.  The one closest to the wall on his left hand side.  It had been his shower ever since he moved to the second floor, almost a year ago.  
His mind drifted back to her.  He wanted to call her.  No, if she wanted to talk to him, she would have to call him.  He called her the last time that they had talked.  God, I hope she is all right he said to himself.  He was finished soaping, now he could shampoo.  
He always thought of her, first thing when he woke up.  Then he would forget till he started soaping.  Then while he washed his hair, his mind would drift off her.  This was always the case, unless he had a presentation, or a test, then his mind would be more focused.  He hated thinking about her, because he knew he thought of her too much.  
After he brushed his teeth, he made the executive decision not to shave.  He hated shaving; it always hurt his face.  He walked to his room in the same style he always did looking at the ground.  He began to clothe his plump body and realized his boxer were getting bigger.  That was a good thing.  Next came his undershirt that was always tucked into his white boxers.  Then he pulled on his jeans, damn it they were still a little tight.  He hated being heavy.  Next came the green Big Dog sweatshirt, he loved that sweatshirt.  Today, he would wear the Brewers hat that he had broken in last summer.  Now he was ready for class.  
It was Friday and that meant class began at 8:00 am.  That was fine, because he would be done before most of his friends were out of bed.  To walk to class or get a ride?  That was his big dilemma this morning.  The Business School isn’t all that far.  He would walk.  

He left the back door and walked towards the grassy tundra.  He would cross the tundra, then walk down the wooden walkway and then he was in the B school.  He was all too familiar with the walk.  He had done it a million times before.  That is the live of an accounting major. 
As he walked behind the neighboring fraternity house his mind began to wonder.  What if everything is not OK?  She really might be in trouble.  His mind was full of thoughts of her and he just shook his head.  He looked up, almost to the business school now.  
As he stepped into the dormitory parking lot that was right before his walkway his mind once again began to race.  This time he thought something different, though not about her.  He thought about writing.  Not like letters or a poem.  No, he thought about writing his novel, but what was his novel.  It changed each time he walked alone and in every story he was the main character being watched by someone else.
 Today he thought about the police watching him.  This was because not only was he Brent Baldwin College student, but also Brent Baldwin feared mob enforcer and king pin.  This particular story he had been working on since he was fifteen.  

Brent Baldwin was a fifteen-year-old boy who snuck out of his hotel in New York to smoke a cigarette. While smoking behind a trash Dumpster he would witness a mob hit.  They would see him but not kill him because there was no contract on his life and more important no money in it.  Brent had always loved the Mafia, but this was different he had actually seen a murder.  The murder was a lot more brutal than what he had seen in his beloved mob movies.  Brent would not tell anyone what he witnessed. He just went back to his mid-sized Indiana town and acted like he saw nothing.  
About a week later Brent would be outside on his swing (which was his favorite place to think.) when he was hit over the head with a club.  When he came too, he had a terrible headache.  He also noticed he was no longer at home.  He really was not sure were he was.  He just knew that he could not move and he began to panic when he heard a voice in the distance.
“You got the kid?”  He heard a man with an East Coast accent say.
“Yea, we got the kid.”  A deeper voice replied.  
“It is about time you idiots got something right.”  The East Coast accent replied. “Now take me too our little viewer.”  
Just then a door swung open and a lit clicked on.  In front of him he saw a handsome, well-dressed man.  The man had a young face, with eyes that were as cold as ice.   The man walked up to him.  Now he could see two other guys behind the well-dressed man.  Oh God, Brent thought to himself, I remember those faces.  It was the two men that he saw brutally murder another.  He knew his life would soon end and asked God to please forgive his sins and to take care of his family.  
“Do you know who I am?”  Said the well-dressed man.  Who also happened to be the guy with the East Coast accent?  
Brent sat there stumped.  He had no idea whom in the hell the well-dressed man was.  
“Did not think you would, you little prick and I even saved you life.”  The man said with little emotion.  Then he continued.  “My name is Jamie Derr, son of the famous gangster Donnie Derr and I am here because you no too much.”
“I never said a word, and I am not going too.  All I wanted was a cigarette and that is what I had.”  Brent said cool as ice, even though he was about to make a mess of himself.
“Your right your not going too, you little prick because you ain’t gonna have the chance.”  Replied Mr. Derr and lets see how this fat fucker responds to that. 
` “So be it.  If you have your mind made up then do it.  Just leave my family alone, they know nothing and they are good people.”  Brent said hoping that he had not jeopardized them. 
Good response I really like this kid Jaime thought to himself.  “Hmm, so you would rather die than have your family hurt in anyway?”  
“Yes, sir.  My life is all you need to take.”  Brent was starting to tremble.  He was so scared, but he meant it he would die for his family.  
Jaime turned his back to Brent and began to walk out when he said to the other gentlemen.  You know what to do.  They both began to walk towards Brent.  He now feared the worst.  The bigger of the two men grabbed him.  The other pulled out a knife.  The next thing Brent knew he could move his hands and his feet, the ropes that were holding him in place had been cut away.  
Jaime now turned back around and held out a pack of cigarettes.  Brent took one and then lit it with his own lighter.  He now recognized his surroundings he was at his own barn a half mile from his house.  Jaime looked at him and smiled.  
“You are OK kid and that was what I was banking on.”  Jaime replied.  
“I just told you what I believed in, that is all.” 
Jaime laughed out loud.  He really liked this little prick.  “Kid, whatcha want to do with your life?”
Taking a long drag from his cigarette he replied “I always wanted to be a courtroom brawler.  You know they guy who protects others interests.”  
An interesting way of putting it Jaime thought to him self.  He gave a direct answer but did not let you know his intentions a really good answer.  “The way I see it kid if you are a lawyer you work for the people and get nothing for all your hard work or you can work for your friends and enjoy the benefits.”
Brent understood were Jaime was coming from “I am one to always takes care of my friends, I also enjoy a benefit or two.”  
“Well friend lets talk a little more serious.”  Jaime said “I have a proposition for you.”
“You have my attention.”
“My father wanted to know what kind of man you were, I now know, I can read a person like a book in the first five minutes I have talked to them.  I like you and I want to help you be someone that takes care of his friends in the future.  Services like that can be very beneficial.”
“I would like to be someone who is beneficial.”
“Good, I need a favor from you.  See we control certain operations in the east and on the West Coast, but we would like to expand into the Midwest.  There is just one problem and that is Chicago, the people there are animals and they do not play by our rules.  They are weaker than we are but right now they have a strong foot hold on this area and it is hard for us to get any action.  So, we figure that is were we gonna use you.”
“Wh Wha, what do you mean, that is how your going to use me?”  Brent said with a little concern.   
“Hey baby, do not get cold feet before you here what we have to say.”
“I ain’t got cold feet.”  Brent said more sternly.
“Good, now back to business.”  Jaime said smoothly, then continued “You will help us get set up in this area and then your out.  We will act like you never saw anything, and you will make a lot of money in the process.  You like the sound of that don’t cha.”
“Yea, money talks!”  When you’re fifteen, money is nice Brent thought. 
“So, you in?” Jaime said.
“I am not exactly sure what I am into, but if it cleans my slate with you all, I am in.  I have absolutely no experience in this stuff, what ever this stuff is.”
“You my friend, Brent?” Jaime asked
“Yea, I’m your friend Jaime.”  Brent said assuming that he was answering correctly.    
“Then I will take care of you right?”
“Yea, that what friends are for.”  
“Now you got it, you little prick.”  Jaime said with a grin on his face.  “We shall be in touch, and if you so much as mention this to anyone, we might not be friends no more.”
 Following this conversation Brent would learn his new destiny.  He would become the leader in establishing the largest drug trade in the Midwest and this all before he was a junior in high school.  He was smart and crafty and was able to do it without anyone knowing he was behind it.  
Jaime taught him how to set up trustworthy people around you so that you never dealt directly with the operation as they called.  Brent would use his closest childhood friends to carry out his commands.  These people were loyal out of friendship alone.  The money was only added incentive, which Jaime taught him was the best way.  
Jaime even taught Brent how to be a killer.  Jaime made his bones very early in life and was one of his father’s best hitman.  Brent had to big of a heart to be a killer himself, but the business wasn’t to big hearted to keep him form pulling the strings and having others kill for him.  He was truly the man behind the puppets.  He also was no fool, he set everything up so that if anything happened to him thing operation would collapse and certain information would get were it was not suppose too.  He had well protected himself, even from Jaime and Jaime was proud. 
Brent kept his operation till he was a senior.  He was a great student and he was a nice kid.  The only complaint about him was he supplied high schoolers with alcohol at parties he threw, but most parents saw this all as a part of growing up.  He was well liked and his secret life never was discovered. His parents were pretty well off, his father was a surgeon, so no one ever questioned were the money came from. 
After Brent graduated his now good friend Jaime came to see him.  
“Brent, you little prick you are a high school graduate.  Let me give you a kiss.”  Jaime said and took him in his arms and kissed both of his cheeks then gave him a big huge.  “You did it, man you did it.”
    “Thank you my friend.”
“I have something for you and from the family we wish you the best.”
Brent was handed a small box that was wrapped in silver paper.  He quickly opened his gift.  When he opened the box he found a stunning gold ring that had many diamonds in the middle of it.  Brent took it out and placed it on his pinky finger.  Which is were it was meant to go.  For three years he had admired Jaime’s and now he had one of his own. 
“I ain’t got the words, I love it.” Brent said hugging him. 
“You ain’t gotta say nothing.  It was a gift from friends.” Jaime smiled largely then continued “Brent you are out.”
“What the fuck you mean I am out.”
“You out, is what I mean.”
“After all I did for you, the ring won’t survive with out me and you know it.” 
“No the ring won’t survive if you die, not if you are out.  My friend.”  Jaime said.  
“You owe me?”  Brent screamed, for to long he was the one calling the shots.  Had he became to powerful that now his friends did not want him around?    
“Brent, do not take this the wrong way, we are truly grateful for what you did for us and that is why you are out.  We have seen you are better than this and that you can have a better life then what we have made you.  Remember what you wanted to be when we first meet?”
“Yea, I remember a lawyer.”  
“Yea, a guy who helps his friends.  You see we do owe you and your friends and now by cutting you out we are giving you a new chance at life.  You are going to IU right with your buddies.”
“Yea, I am.”
“Don’t you want to start fresh and not have all this hanging on your head?  Your better to us as a lawyer then as a wannabe king pin.”  
“Sorry, I never even thought of that my good man.”  Brent and Jaime hugged.  This would be there last time together for almost a year.  They talked of all the great opportunities Brent would have and how he would be missed.  He found out that Jaime never was given the chance for education and Brent in a way was living his dreams for him.  They were good friends and that was that.
Brent was now a junior in college and as he walked to class the cops watched him from a far.  Inside the car were three men.  Two were DEA and one was FBI.  The FBI agent was Ryan Harrison and he was the first to speak.  
“I do not think that kid right their even fits the description that hood in Cincinnati gave us.” 
“What do you mean he fits it perfectly and everything still points to him.” Said the driver, which was in the front seat of the car with Harrison.
“I do not see any connection we are wasting our time.  You mean to tell me a kid who is an accounting major is gonna kill four people in Cincinnati over a weekend formal.  Yet we have four other leads but you jerk-off likes wasting my fucking time.  With this fucking numbers cruncher. You guys need help.”  Harrison was pissed, but he also had worked for the Derr family for years and wanted to get the heat off Brent.  
“No that is dumb, how would they put IU and Cinci. Together, they wouldn’t.” Brent said to himself.  
“Maybe this whole story of me being a feared and wanted gangster is just dumb.”  He continued.  
Ah, at the school of business at last.  Brent often would think things like this up when he walked or was in his bed at night.  He was a dreamer and had always been a dreamer.  


Friday, January 22, 2016

Page 22

Book of 2016
- Page 22-
 
 
 
The Obsessive Mind 
 
 
He is thinking it.  Thinking it, all his thoughts are bent on it, no matter what he does he can't stop thinking on it. It is like a scratch on a record and every time the things spins it gets stuck in the one spot it can't move on from.  Rum bum, rum bum, rum bum the thing squawks each time the need hits that one spot, and it just keeps run over and over the same course.   It is maddening.  Even if he tried to listen to a book or watch TV it doesn't matter his thoughts return to the one that, that poisons all the others, and leads him back to one place, one thought, one obsession.  
 
He has been dealing with the obsessive mind since he was in high school, maybe before, who really can remember these things.   Sometimes it is hard to remember things that happened more than 25 or 30 years ago.  It was at its peak in college and the summer of his 21st year.  When no booze could silence it, and no amount of talking about it, or hiding from it could make it ever stop.  It was relentless and drove him to the edge of madness.  The thoughts, no matter what they were how real, how stupid, how whatever, would never stop dancing there dance in his head, and all the crying in the world could never make him not think them. Not until a night September sitting at a night football game did he decide the sky is beautiful, and if I don't fix this, then I have to move on from this world to the next.
 
He realizes now and only now after this latest episode about something so dumb as his job.  Something so dumb as the plots and conniving of another could possible threaten you or hurt you peeps.  The peeps that you would go to the very end with, the very fires of hell, and back.  The peeps you have come to respect, and love as friends.  It angers you beyond believe.  You can't rationalize it.  You just get angrier and angrier over it because you can't stop thinking about it.  The entire ride home.  The entire dinner.  The entire nights sleep.  The entire shower, and finally, the entire ride back up.  You do your positive sayings.  You listen to your tape, but it doesn't change the thoughts rattling around in your head.  
 
Anger, rage, insecurity, these are the things that feed the obsessive mind.  these are the things that feeds the monkey on his back, that would stuff itself at every turn.  Something good happens, he eats.  Something bad happens, he eats.  Something upsetting happens, he eats.  Much like the thoughts he can't get out of his head these things just roll on and on and on.  Like the never stopping record: rum bum, rum bum, rum bum over the same scratch on the same record.  
 
So he realizes today that perhaps his fear of the obsessions that he though he had long pass on, after seeking help after the football game may still be haunting him?  Maybe it is part of the reason he stays fat?  Maybe it is part of the reason every night he sits on the couch watching TV and the fucking Monkey on his back starts up,
 
"I want to eat so bad." 
- But we just had chipotle?  I don't need anything else.  
"I want ice cream!  Not a whole pint this time, no, how about some dibs, just a container or two."
- I WANT TO BE BAD! How can I be good when I want to be bad?"
"You want to be SO BAD!"
- Why is the no balance?

Sometimes he wins and beats this monkey, but all to often he loses this fight.  

Once he got into the office the obsessive mind was quieted.  Good counsel could always do that.  However, to much was lost in the time caught in the obsessive mind.  However, maybe something was also gained. 

He was listening to his book last night on the way home.  It was talking about fat programs, and reason why people remained fat. There are a ton of these.  the book goes on and on.  However, caught in the obsessive mind, he started to think about the obsessive mind.  

He started to think about when he thunk he was going to be a monster.  When he thought b/c of one fight he could hurt people.  Loosing all control one time lead him down a path of self loathing and denial.  It was one fight.  He had one fight.  that really mattered his whole life.  It was the end of a breaking of his mind that had started over the 4 or 5 years before.  

What if the person who actually got angry enough in that one fight, got loose all the time.  What if that person who one time in 21 years lost his shit and fought, for what he thought was the right thing to fight for, was actually a terrible monster that would hurt other people, for no reason.  What if we weren't actually in control of our own actions.  What if we were actually slaves to an inner demon and so the obsessive cycle began.  Nine month later true rock bottom was hit, in the bleachers at Memorial Stadium for what was at the time a rare night game in Bloomington.  Where a pack was made.  

Time moved on and the obsessive mind went into hiding.  It never left, these things never do.  Not all the Prozac, therapy, and other drugs in the worlds can make it go away.  Just like at 21 booze wasn't the answer.  Everyday some aspect of this mind rattles around in his head.  Last night and today was worse than it had been in a long time. 
 
However, what if there is some truth to him hiding behind his weight because he is afraid of the anger that hides away in the deep secret places of his mind and heart,  the ones that he won't ever talk about?  What if this fear makes him think he needs to put a layer of fat between him and the world?  What if the monkey on his back isn't trying to destroy him but protect him from what is essentially a nature he tries to hide from the world.  
 
What if some combination of this obsessive mind and the anger that resides in him work together to hold him back?  Or what if like trying to become positive is just another excuse, just another way of letting himself off the hook for being a pig.  However, he doesn't really believe that.  He believes in the power of the mind.  He believes in the power that anger, and fear have in his life.  He knows he has to find his way.  He knows he has to let go of the anxiety, fear, hatred, and anger that lives in him to do that.  That is all he has wanted on some level since he was 21.  
 
Then there is the part of him, that doesn't want to let it go.  That wants to hold onto it because his best stories rise from the ashes of his anger, hate, and rage.  His best ideas are made for a world that indulges these things not deny them.  However, letting them go won't mean he will ever forget them.  Letting them go isn't giving up on his dream to write like King or Martin.  No... No it is not.
 
The being afraid to let them go because he feels he will lose his creativity is a joke.  A bad one at that and it is false.  However, not letting go because of the fear of what would happy to let the kid get skinny an let loose on the world, no that is more of  real fear.  That is something he has to talk about in therapy.  If he hides behind his fat because he is afraid he is a monster.  that he sabotages himself because he is afraid that once again control would be lost and hurting someone he loved might ensue.  He never meant to fight with his brother, but those things happen, it is between the brothers, and it does happen.  
 
He became the healthiest he had ever been after that fight for a while, then, well then shit fell apart, and weight gain started.  And now here he is up 20 lbs and wondering why?  Well maybe it is time to look to the old obsession and the old fears?  Maybe it is time to be honest about if we really want to get better or if we aren't just slowly but surely fulfilling a promise we made on the bleachers at a night game in Bloomington so many years ago.  That is a much deeper and darker story to spin. 
 
He must find away to deal with the obsessive mind.  It is time to do this.  Last night and today have been unacceptable wastes of time and space in my head.  Never let people own space in your head it is foolish and not worth it.  It is time to be his own master.  To be self assured.  To be the man who got on the elevator tow nights ago, not the one who woke up today and ate McDonald's for bfast b/c he was out of muffins.  There is no place for that version of the kid in this story anymore.  He must be phased out. He must fade away.