Victim?

“There are times in my life when I have been medicine for some while poison for others. I used to think I was a victim of my story until I realized the truth; that I am the creator of my story. I choose what type of person I will be and what type of impact I will leave on others. I will never choose the destructive path of self and outward victimization again.” 
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

“There is a fine line between compassion and a victim mentality. Compassion though is a healing force and comes from a place of kindness towards yourself. Playing the victim is a toxic waste of time that not only repels other people, but also robs the victim of ever knowing true happiness.” 
― Bronnie Ware, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing

“I am not a victim. No matter what I have been through, I'm still here. I have a history of victory.” 
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

 

I teeter on the edge of becoming the victim in my own life.  To have the poor me mentality and placing the blame of a broken life onto others, instead of standing up and accepting who and what I am. Until today I had no idea who Steve Maraboli was, but I will read his book because I think I could learn from it as I don’t want to be a victim.  I don’t want my story to turn into a poor me story, and I certainly don’t want to people to think this blog is about whining and placing blame.  It never has been.  It is about being open.  It is about being an open book for the entire world to read.  It is tell my struggle against the demons I am possessed by: gluttony, envy, and wrath.  It is about overcoming a lift time of not feeling like I am good enough.  It is about a boy growing up and becoming not only a man but the man he is supposed to be.

My story is simple.  I am broken.  I want to be fixed.  I am fat, but not because I am an undisciplined, lazy, piece of shit, 9 half marathon and 12 tri’s would say otherwise.  50+ hour work weeks would suggest that lazy is not the issue.  The issue is pulling it all together.  When I work out hard I eat a shit load.  When I eat well, I don’t work out.  Where is the healthy balance between the two?

The reason I love Sue, is because simply put she, like me, wants me to be the best Billy b that I can be.  She doesn’t let me get away with telling stories, or making jokes about myself, or even talking about stuff that doesn’t matter.  She brings it back to the point.  Therefore when I hear Sue telling me to not become the victim, I stop and I listen.  I have to listen when she says don’t you dare start the victim mentality shit.

With red rimmed eyes she looked at me hard and said Bill think about what you are saying.  You want to hate all these people?  You want to hurt them, not physically but emotionally, because you were hurt.  Is that really who you want to be?  What you want to be remembered as?  Because you have sat in here week after week and said you wanted to be the best person you could be.  That isn’t a petty person.  Do you really want to hurt others the way you have felt hurt?

She told me my pain was valid.  However, becoming a victim of that pain and wanting to play the revenge card isn’t the best you could be.

I asked her then, just what in the fuck am I supposed to do then.  She said don’t become the victim.  Learn and grow from your experiences because they make you who you are.  Let’s focus on how we let go of the anger.  How we let go of the hate and how we get you healthy and happy.  That is what you want.  She also said she would push me.  I would ask her to never stop pushing me.  Sometimes we all need a little push from the ones we love.  To break through the boundaries that limits us.

I am not sure Sue has ever seen me so animated. For the first time I wasn’t slouched back on her couch but sitting on the edge of it.  Waiving my arms around and connected to the conversation.  I was hearing her.  She pushed and the finally after 8 years of pushing I think we started to break through.

I won’t let myself be a victim in my life.  I won’t let others have the power they held over me anymore.  I won’t let people think they know what I want or wanted anymore because quite honestly if they have never asked then they don’t really know. 

I will continue to push myself because like Master Krug told me last September the Billy b I am today is not an acceptable one.  Being petty and taking revenge is not allowed.  Playing into others plots is foolish.  At this point in my life I can sit here and say the one thing that matters to me the most is this Blog.  Witting everyday has changed me.  It has inspired me.  It has made me want to be more than I ever thought I could. 

I am not the best Billy b I can be right now, but I know he is out there, on the horizon.  He is within reach.  The boy, who always thought of himself as Ka-Mai, is now taking his life into his hands.  He is dealing with his pain and each day he walks a little further away from it.  He realizes his life isn’t broken anymore.  He will no longer be destiny’s fool.  Too much water has passed under the bridge.

I won’t let myself become a victim of my own mind anymore.  I won’t be a martyr.  I will focus my efforts are for me to live the life I want to live.  I will stick to my walk plan, which by the way is going fucking great!  The last two nights I have walked and walked hard even though I was exhausted and tonight will be no different.  I will get in the pool when I can.  Most of all I will listen to Tyson and follow his program.  I will be the person I want to be.  I am committed to this for the long hall.  This won’t happen overnight and yes, I will probably cry on here again about my hurt.  I might say the same thing over and over again for a while.  No matter what I will fight and push. I won’t let myself be complacent, and I know Sue won’t either.

Text to Sue after leaving her office…

“I am better than I wasJ” Billy b

“Yes but I’m still going to push you to be better than you are.” – Dr. Sue

“You know that’s right!” Billy b

And I do know that is right.  I know she is on my team.  She is an amazing women and I am very, very lucky to have her in my life.  She is my angel, and if loving your therapist is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.  I will do this…