the obsessive mind

“Well i'd like to think i'm the mess you'd wear with pride.
Like some empty dress on the bed you've layed out for tonight.
Maybe i'll tell you sometime.

Time. Sometime.

And you were right.

Right.

You were right
Outside by your doorstep
In a worn out suit and tie
I'll wait 
For you to come down
Where you'll find me
Where we'll shine

Oh”

 

"I Go To The Barn Because I Like The", Band of Horses

 

The song has been stuck in my head for days.   I down loaded it from iTunes and now I play it over and over searching for the meaning. 

There will always be days like today when you have an obsessive mind.  The obsessive mind is an unfocused mind. It is a mind that is allowed to run free wild and not held into check.  My mind is obsessive.  It always has been.  The obsessions are so powerful they boarder on the outskirts of madness. 

See the obsessive mind doesn’t rest.  There is madness there that does not sleep.  One just can’t tell the obsessive mind that you are being ridiculous.  That you are out of your fucking element and that you are creating paranoia.  No, you can’t flip a switch and ask the obsessive mind to turn off. 

My mind, my beautiful fucking mind, is it a gift or a curse.  Can it be that which makes me creative also makes me insane? 

I sit here sick to my stomach.  Not from a binge.  No the days of the binge appear for the timing being to be gone.  No, because a theory I am building in my mind.  The biggest problem with the obsessive mind is that it loves to string bites and pieces of information together.  Regardless of they truly fit or not.

The worst part is that the obsessive mind is strong than any reasoning we may or may not have.  When the obsessive mind kicks in, we forget everything.  We take fragments from conversations.  Assume our “friends” lie to us.  After all, the obsessive mind is a paranoid mind.  The paranoid mind lives by a single solitary motto “Trust No One”. 

The obsessive mind turns it back on friends and loved ones and only focuses on what might be or could be.  It is perfectly irrational. 

It helps explain why you could be so easily forgotten.  It can explain why they run.  It can explain why you hide behind your fat and also use your fat so you can’t be missed. 

Was it all a lie?  Was it the great lie of our life?  Your mind thinks so because it doesn’t’ know what else to think.  I mean after all you are KA-Mail.  You are destiny’s fool.  You’re a punch line of a joke and you let people do that to you.  The world is black today.

You are sick.  You want to cry.  You know how you lost and who you lost to.  You can’t deal with it, but you must.  For the obsessive mind will continue on.  It is like the Song of a Dead Man, which will always remain; it will always remind you of your heartache, and your pain.  It is just like a cancer, that slow but steadily eats you away.  That is just the nature of the Dead Man and his prey.

How can you beat the obsessive mind?  Can you?  How do you stop the obsession from consuming you?  How do you stand and be true to your KA? 

How do you come back from the very edge of madness?  How do you beat off insanity? 

You realize that the monkey on your back is winning today.  You understand on the days like today why you feel so unlovable and anyone who ever said the words to you probably lied.  After all aren’t you just the product of being forgotten?  Aren’t you just the product of the obsessive mind?  It’s in the moments you know why you are alone.  Why you’re better off alone.  Why sleep always calls you.  Why sleep is the only thing you truly want.

You re-read what you have written and you wonder how you will ever see light again.  You wonder if you deserve to.  You wonder if you can somehow move from the black and into the light.

You realize how fragile your psyche is.  Why if truths where known would you not crumble like a cookie?  For are all your strengths are you just really fucking weak.  I hate my weakness.  I fucking hate it.  I hate that I am so fucking sensitive.  I hate it.   I hate the obsessive mind.  I hate it, I hate it, and I can’t take it anymore.  You want to scream, but you can’t.  All you can do is sit here thinking bad thoughts.  Thinking about what a long fucking fall from grace is.  Where am I?  What am I?  Who am I? 

Then again, you weather the storm because as fast as the obsession come, they leave even quicker now because you know exactly what you are dealing with.  You write it out.  You post it.  You make your feelings real.  You deal, with them, you log them to talk to Sue.  You do it, and you hope you can cry and cleanse your soul.  Because you know it is time to say good bye to what you knew and move on to what is to come.  Because not matter what, you can’t go back.  You can never go back.  You can only go on.  You can only keep on keeping on.  And stand up and be true.  That is all you can do.  That is all you can ever do.  You will walk alone next to the black muddy river and listen to the ripples as they moan.  Because you can’t stand outside and wait forever because we don’t have forever, we only have a short period of time.  We are forced to make the best of the time that is given to us.  And we have to move on from this time and place, because there are other worlds than these.  So we look to our walk tonight, for it is our salvation and we listen to the song and try to figure out its hidden meaning and what I means to us, and we refuse to let the obsessive mind win too much.