I'm learning to walk again I believe I've waited long enough Where do I begin?

“I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough?
Where do I begin?”

Walk, Foo Fighters

Crickkkkkkkkkk, snappppp, bannnnggg, POP!

Crickkkkkkkkkk, snappppp, bannnnggg, POP!

Crickkkkkkkkkk, snappppp, bannnnggg, POP!

You don't really hear this.  Not really, you feel it.  It's like
Someone is throwing whippersnappers at your feet.  You can here the
"Crickkkkkkkkkk, snappppp, bannnnggg, POP!"

Because you have your head phones in and David Grohl is screaming his
His sweet lyrics are screaming in your ears saying something about learning to talk again and not wanting to die or something of this nature.   So your can't possibly hear the "Crickkkkkkkkkk, snappppp, bannnnggg, POP!"

However you do feel it.  It's your right knee and it hurts.   However you can at lead your weight on to today and you know it's critical to get out and walk before Rachel gets home and it poop time.  It's critical to keep walking.   The 10k was a rough event on the body yesterday. However you did it.  All of last night you hobbled around the house and numbed the pain in the right knees with ice and four Advil.

Perhaps Rachel was right you body just wasn't ready for six miles yet, but you don't want to admit that.  Even know the knee screams it at you "Crickkkkkkkkkk, snappppp, bannnnggg, POP!"

However you walk on, no matter what, you walk.  Because that what we need to do.  16-minute miles aren't going to happen without hard work and sitting around watching Psych.

If the knee wasn't bad enough, there is the pinching in the right shoe.  The quarter size blood blister is reminding you why you never go out for mileage without you sports shield and although your thoroughly lubed right now, you were yesterday and now the rubbing blood blister reminds you with each step why you use roll on Astor glide on each foot before you walk.  It's slicker than snot and prevents blistering.  You were sloppy yesterday.  You weren’t prepared when you went out.  You left without electrolytes.  You left without lubing up.  You have forgotten he face of your father.  You have forgotten the face of you walk coach.  She would not be pleased reading that you basically when out with a bag a water, a fuck we can do this attitude, and no salt or electrolytes.  Roughly 7 years of training forgotten.

Then there is today. Trying to ignore the creaking if you can for as long as you can.  Ignore the blood blister, because we need to walk.  You want to go fast, but you also try to tell yourself to be balanced.  You are walking.  You body is healthy enough to move so just move and be happy.   Don’t push yourself to hard.   Give it time.  You are hoping to move around like you did 100 lbs. ago.  That isn’t going to happen.

You’re the “Mountain” that walks.  Be satisfied with the movement.  Slow down, because when you slow down your foot don’t hurt, you knee doesn’t pop.  Move.  Moving is winning.  However, you mind can’t accept that.

The day after long walks back with you coach were always recovery walks.  So that meant walk good clip.  Not race speeds, not balls out, remember that, remember and be true.

It is a struggle like this every time I walk.  Trying to balance between pushing just hard enough and not to hard.  The issue is whenever I am not moving as briskly as I can or can’t I feel like I am not trying hard enough.  The old enemies start up again.  The voices saying you are lazy.  They say you are sauntering and out for a fucking joy walk.  That you aren’t really trying.  That you don’t want to get better and you just want to complain about not getting what you want.

Crickkkkkkkkkk, snappppp, bannnnggg, POP!

Crickkkkkkkkkk, snappppp, bannnnggg, POP!

Crickkkkkkkkkk, snappppp, bannnnggg, POP!

Doesn’t sound like a fucking joy walk to me.  Not at all, so you try to balance pushing and pain.  It is a fine balance.

You get home, you refill you camelbak and where it while you blog so you can keep injecting water.  You finished, you walk was GOOD.  It wasn’t good because it was fast or slow.  It wasn’t good because you went so for or for so long.  No it is good because you walked.  You walked and at the end of the day that is what matter.  Each day you put yourself out there and move one foot in front of the other.  You try your hardest to get better.  You haven’t really forgotten the fact of your father; you walk coach, or anyone else.  You just keep on being you.  Trying to be the best version of you can be.  So you walk.  You get ready to go for a swim.  It will be your fifth 2-a-day of the month.  You want to hang you head because are you sick of making goals you can’t keep on this fucking blog.  Then you say no, I am not going to do that. 5 2-a-days aren’t to fucking shabby is it?

The truth is you have to keep things in perspective.  You are 460 lbs. and you trying to walk a half marathon.  You are trying to overcome so many things.  We have written the list so many times.  There is no need to write it again.  Addiction being, finding acceptance in others, and freeing my mind was the darkness are the biggest.  We win some battles and we lose some.  However, we are better.  We are good right now.  We are moving forward and isn’t that all we can ask for?

We were broken, but we are starting to fix things.  That is what matters.  In the end, refocus, recommit, relearn, and accept me.  That is what I have to do.

And for any of you who didn’t believe I would sit here and write while camelbaking the fuck up.  Check this out..