...a beautiful life...

He is in the car.  He is driving south on 680.  He is fat.  Really fat!  He is four-hundred plus pounds of humanity.  He smells.  He reeks of perspiration.  Of course he does.  Why wouldn’t he?  After he is pushing himself beyond his limits and has been for 9 weeks.  He has started to walk again but not only that he has started to push again.  He started to push to the limits of his ability.  He started to walk with purpose.  So yes he stinks and reeks of sweat and he loves it because it is his own private reward.  The hard earned reward from a job well done.  Some might call it sick.  Most won’t understand it.  It’s the deranged needs of the athlete. 

He drives home looking at the California sun as it starts to disappear over the horizon.  It is late.  It’s been late every night lately.  It’s late because he stays.  It’s late because he has re-invested in himself.  Not in his job.  Not in his working out.  Not in his food.  No he has re-invested in his life. 

He still has issues, lots and lots of issues.  Perhaps, more now than when his day started, some would say Si, some would say no.  For the first time in a long time he doesn’t care about issues, his, yours, others. 

His eyes are on the verge of bursting.  He thinks finally, finally, the levee will break.  His soul will be cleansed, would it not? 

He watches the sun as he drives.  He looks around and god the world is beautiful.  It is so beautiful.  The cotton candy colored sky enamors him.  Hit heart is beating and he feels alive.  Not because for the second night in a row he was around a 19 minute mile.  Not because tonight when he was bone weary tired and damn near didn’t walk he pushed his body really hard for 40 minutes.  Not just because he was over 3 miles per hour tonight.  No.  Not just because he is better now than a week ago.  Not because he is bringing his times down.  No.

The smile that breaks across his face isn’t just because he is moving again.  It is because he realizes his life, though it’s not what it was before.  He is a different man.  He has grown.  His heart has grown.  His mind had grown. 

Sue has been telling him for a long time that he needs to expand his mind.  That his view of love and acceptance has to expand beyond a narrow box, that only a very few things can fit into.  He can’t judge his self-worth and value can’t be judged by those who rejected him.  No, because there are too many people who love him to narrow his view and put blinders on. 

He tosses his head back and laughs.  The laugh is genuine.  He laughs loud and hard.  Not only do a lot of people love him, but he likes himself.  He really does like himself.  It’s been a long time since he could say that.    It’s been so long.   Since said it and meant it.  The tears tease that they are falling but they don’t.  It doesn’t matter though.  It is ok. 

He knows that he isn’t perfect.  He knows he is far from it.  He starts to see why he has made himself a prisoner in his own mind.  He was mean.  He was a bully.  He was cruel.  Was it him, or was it his circumstance?  It doesn’t matter.  He will own it.  He has too.  He does. 

It is ok.  It will be ok.  He knows he has fallen from grace.  It’s evident every time he looks in a mirror.  How long though does one have to stay in prison?  How much more time does he have to serve?  None is the only acceptable answer.  Thirty-eight years is to long of a sentence to serve for things that happened a lifetime ago.  For things that a boy did before he was a man, he hates himself for being so mean and being a jackass as a kid. 

He hasn’t fully forgiven himself.   No not yet, but he is.  The man he has become is giving.  He can be sweet. He can still be a shit.  He is still hampered by his own demons.  However, the fogs lift faster.  The bitterness isn’t as nasty as it once was.  The acrid taste of bitterness is not so bad in his mouth.  He wishes he didn’t know what he knows now, but knows he has to know it.  It will continue to shape the man he is becoming and wants to be.

He is surrounded by so many good people.  His core team at work, the four of them is a tight bunch.  They are good people and they love him.  He is their leader, maybe not the best leader, but a good one.  He has friends that would go with him and are going with him to the very end, to the very fires of Mordor.  The people who want to be in his life are actually in his life and that is a good thing to know where you stand.  The energy he surrounds himself is good.  Positive feelings and love surround him.  He knows he is lucky.  He knows he is so lucky to have another shot at making a good life. 

He can’t help but smile.  Even with the bad, he knows that there is good in the world.  He knows that today is a good day.  He knows that hope is becoming a way of life and peace is no longer just a dream.  He is on the road to recovery.  He watches the sun again disappearing and tears or no tears, he is better today than he was yesterday.  Tomorrow will even be better he knows that now.  He is on the path of the BEAM.  He sees the tower off in the distance.  It is still far away, but he sees it and he knows he is in the game.  He smiles and laughs out loud again because he knows and appreciates that he actually has a beautiful life!