Never underestimate the power of my anger…

Never underestimate the power of my anger…

Last night might have just been a one off.  It might have meant nothing at all.  However, I think I might have measured my rage last night.  I can’t sit here and tell you one reason I am angry.  There are so many things that I have probably forgotten most of them.  

I know that I manifest anger with the best of them…  I think each and every one of these is spot on except aggression.  I normally don’t yell, accept for at myself.  I don’t threaten.  I also don’t lay my hands on anyone but myself.  I found these on WebMD and the link is shared below. 

·         Passive aggressive. The angry person quietly withholds whatever the object of the anger wants. If the boss blames her, she stalls on a project. If a spouse wants to talk, he clams up.

·         Sarcasm. The angry person may escalate to sarcasm. If the other person complains, the angry person may turn it around: "Well, you can sure take a joke."

·         Cold anger. This is the silent treatment or minimal response. Maybe the angry person leaves the room.

·         Hostility. This is the toe-tapper in line, the feisty customer, or the time bomb waiting to go off at dinner.

·         Aggression. This is the stage where the angry person acts out physically, yelling, threatening, or laying on hands.

http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/anger-obics-can-make-anger-work-out

Anyway, I went out to walk last night.  I had a 25 minute walk to do.  I forgot my change of clothes, but I knew that I had to walk.  No matter what I needed that Walk.  I yearned for that walk.  So, fully clothed in my business casual attire and my work shoes, I walked. 

I walked angry.  That monkey on my back was in rare form and he was cackling and laughing in my ear like a loon.  I realized for the first time that the monkey on my back had changed.  It was no longer a gaunt thin version of me.  No, the monkey on my back was none other than Mr. J himself, the Joker and at first this totally creped me out.  Then I was like just go with it, if he makes you walk harder and faster.  My average mile per minute has been just over 20 minutes.   Last night it was 19:50.  It was a great start to week 8. 

Tyson was over last night before he left for his fight.  Still having people over to watch the fight this weekend: “This Saturday is #WSOF10! Our second main card fight on NBC Sports Network will be Tyson Griffin vs Luiz Firmino!” well, if people is the Beaver.  He brought me some really good food for the next 7 days.  However, more importantly we held long palaver and it made sense to me.

At some point in time you have to let go. You can’t be so damn hard on yourself and mad at yourself all the time.  You have to put yourself in the best place for success.  You have to fight for what you want.  He told me he could tell I was better.  I actually agree with him.  I am better and I am being too hard on myself.  I have to stop living in the fog.  I have to be thankful for what I have and who I am.  That is all that matters right now.  All that matters is I get up each and move a little closer to the tower.  I don’t want to have to rely on pure rage to get me across any finish line.  I want to make myself better than that.  I am.  I will.  Each day, one step at a time, we will walk a little further.  Each day we will focus on the vision of who we want to be in our mind.  I want to be the complete person, who is well rounded and more than any anger.  It takes time though.  The obsessive mind has passed for now.  Today is a new day, with new hope.  The same dream remains, the same dream always remains.  I am standing on a beach, with the wind in my hair.  Water washes over my feet.  I turn to her and smile and she smiles back, then I turn back to the water and I see my feet.  How long could I not see them?  I look at the marble sculpted legs that could carry a 400 lbs. person up a hill on a bike because they used to do just that.  The black tri-shorts fit perfect.  I see my tummy muscles and my belly button.  The tattoo on my chest, I am not a man, but a reaper, the reaper, the Black Reaper.  I pull my goggles and run into the water and dive in and I start my stroke, my long, graceful stroke and I know that the Tower is closer…