No video blog, not this week, perhaps not again…

I know Sue is right.  I am still angry.  I am so angry that I am almost in tears.   I won’t be doing a video blog again this week.  It is always the lowest viewed blog of the week.  The only time that wasn’t true was when I was posting my fiction here.  Anyway, Sue normally is right.  So, I knew she was right when she said I was still too angry to cry.  I just didn’t know why.

Sure I think a lot of it is the monkey on my back.  The harsh taskmaster I am on myself.  Also, the fear of being forgotten, it is a real fear.  It is something I have been struggling with for as long as I can remember.  I keep telling Sue I don’t understand how people can just forget what they say, what they do, whatever, and just move on, but they do. 

I think the anger finally clicked with me last night as it has over each night on the way home the last few weeks.  Day after day things slowly but surely come together in my life.  As I start to walk and forge my path.  As I see that my story is still unwritten.  I also, see that it might be time to let go of the past, once and for all.

You can never go back.  Never.  Things can never be what they once where.  I understand that now.  The most important thing is the acceptance has to come from the only place it could ever come from and that is from myself.  It doesn’t matter if I am I needed or wanted in someone else’s life what matters is I am needed and wanted in my own life.  That I am ready to be the hero in my story, I am ready to find the dream job, meet my dream girl, and reach my tower.  I also know now, that the only way to reach my tower is to stop looking back and stop looking for acceptance where I won’t find any, in others.  I have to find the acceptance in myself. 

Just like you can never go back to how things were, you have to deal with and let go of the anger.  I think I finally realize this doesn’t mean absolute absolution for those that have wronged you.   No, not that at all.  I think what I finally see this as meaning is they just don’t matter anymore.  Everything happens for a reason.  You are put in the various hero trials of your life to learn from them and then move one. 

I know now that the only person, who will ever truly do what is best for me, is me, myself, and I.  No one else will look out for you.  Put you first.  Make you a priority or remember you.  We come into this world alone and we die alone, and all men must die.  It’s the great tragedy that is life.

So, I realize all this as I was leaving Michelle’s last night, and I m looking at the man in the mirror.  I am looking at him and seeing that still after 9 months of blogging 313 post and 12,754 blogs viewed, I am still a long way from the tower, and I am not getting any closer by holding onto things that are gone, and anger that needs to let go. 

As I lay in the dark at Michelle’s waiting for her.  Staring at a ceiling I couldn’t see.  I keep thinking over and over to myself that it is a long fall from grace.  What does that mean I thought.  It is a long fall from grace.  Why I am I thinking it?  It is a long fall from grace. 

Then came the ride home.  With the sky fading from orange to black and me staring in my rear view mirror.  Thinking about what a long fall from grace it is.  My fall has been a culmination of a lifetime.  It started before I ever left Terre Haute, festered in Bloomington, and exploded in Maastricht.  I have spent the last 15 years trying to hide it, rather than truly look into the mirror and admit, that it is a long fall form grace. 

I would rather blame everyone else.  Over react.  Tease.  Ignore.  Toy with.  Lie.  Deceive.  Than actually look myself in the eye and tell myself it is ok to move on.  That it doesn’t matter why we fell, but we did.  We don’t know why we were forgotten, but we were.  That we don’t know why we were born asking questions.  Why we felt if was our duty to save the world, when all we really needed to do was safe our self. 

You spend some much time worrying you will be the monster at the end of the book.  That you don’t realize you might have become the monster in someone else’s book.  That you might have become the punch line in a joke that you never wanted to be, but always felt like. 

However, only one this matters and that is realizing you fall for one reason and one reason only, so you can learn to get back up.  So you can pick yourself up off the ground and get back up.  That is why we fall.  So we can learn to get back up.  The longer the fall the harder and longer it takes to get back up.  However, sooner or later, you get up.  You look in the mirror and realize that you are so full of hate, jealousy, and rage that you can boil to the top but you can never flow over and move past it. 

So you look yourself in the car.  Driving down some back road and in San Jose and you find yourself screaming at the top of your lungs.  Walking one by one through the slights you have felt.  Raddling them off like Aria stark and her list of men to die.  And all you call say is Sue is right.  You are angry.  So very angry, but what you also start to realize, is that the person who owns this has to be you.

Everyone else has moved on.  Everyone else always will move on.  That is the nature of what we do.  We move and do what is best for ourselves. That is the just of the human condition. 

So, you drive down the street screaming at the man in mirror.  Then you see that fucking monkey from your back and he just laughs and laughing and cackles because this is the insanity that makes him so strong. 

Then you ask yourself di we fix anything?  Are we any better for being angry?  No, we are because it’s a long fall from grace and before you can get back up you need to hit the bottom.  You easily fall into your old habits.  The ones that you hate and make you weak and the ones that you tell yourself you won’t do anymore.  But it is a long fall form grace.

Then the next thing we know its 10:45 a.m. on a Saturday and we are waking up.  Wondering just what in the hell this all is supposed to mean.  We go into the bathroom and look at what I have started to call myself “The Mountain that walks”.  I am shirtless and staring at my robust belly.  I look at the man in the mirror and I think about something that Rachel sent me on Thursday.   And it was probably one of the more powerful things I have read lately.   “If You’re Still Looking for the one person to change your life, take a look in the mirror.”  So that is what I have to do…  I can only rely on me.  I am the only one who can save my life.  I am on the only one who can move on from this place.  I am on the only who can stop the fall.  So that I can get back up and move on.