"Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry" Don McClean, American Pie
It isn’t that my levee is dry. Quite the opposite in fact, the well is quite
full. The tears just won’t fall. Sue doesn’t have an issue sitting over there
all teary eyed. Why can’t I cry? The eyes fill with tears. They are heavy, so very heavy, and they weigh
me down.
I gave Sue everything I had today. I gave her more than I thought I was capable
of giving. I told her shit I didn’t even
know was still on my mind. Love, lust,
family, ups, downs, fears, angers, terrors you name it we spoke about it. The tears just pause in the corner of my eye
and refuse to fall. I was so looking forward
to calling this blog when the levee breaks, but I still can’t.
I feel like there is a release that needs to happen. A complete cleansing of my soul is
needed. I need to be fully vulnerable
and feel life in its bassist elements. I think the tears would mark the end of
a dark age that was suffered for far too long and then survived.
Sue thinks I am still too angry to cry. That I am to emotionally let down to
cry. She told me this when I looked at
her and told her that the levee wouldn’t break today no matter how much we
prodded and probed my inner most soul.
I sit here and stare at Mount Diablo and I wonder will the
levee ever break. Will my soul ever be
free? More than that I wonder what I am
so angry about. The truth is I don’t
really know. However, I can tell you
what I thought about on the way back to the office.
I don’t understand how I could be forgotten. I don’t understand how I am a relic of
previous time. Look how big I am. How could people possibly forget about
me? Apparently, when trying to talk
about why I am angry, it makes me wonder how I was forgotten.
Why have I always felt like I was the one left behind or
worse would be? I give and I give and my
heart is big. Yes, I can be grumps, but overall that isn’t what defines me. Is it?
Perhaps, it is. Perhaps, I know
that I am the asshole, and because I am the asshole, it is easy to forget me? Could it be because I am grumps? Or worse is it because I am fat? Why do I feel forgotten? Why do I feel like I was left alone? Why am I not good enough? All these are questions that for some reason
come up when I am asked why I am angry.
I have no answers. I
feel like we are on the verge of a major life event. I feel it coming. I just have to let go and move on. Sue asked me just that, how do I plan to move
on. How do I plan to live in a world that
isn’t always pleasant for me, and maintain a winning attitude? How do we change the outcomes this time because
not matter what, there will always be shit to deal with? That is the nature of the game of life. We spend a lot of time wading through shit,
most of which isn’t even ours. No we don’t
wade through our own shit, because we are too busy running from it. Very few of us are actually willing to face
our shit head on. For a long time, I was one of those people, but not
anymore. Each day I get a little closer
to the person I was born to be.
So, what I told Sue, is how do we deal with it? We get up each day and train our subconscious. We reaffirm all the good things we do. We stop focusing on the mistakes. We don’t let other people’s bullshit rule our
existence. As we stare at pictures that
show us the person we want to be, we accept who we are now. We accept who we are now. That is powerful. We accept who we are now. WE stop putting our live on hold. We stop waiting for that dare to be great
movie moment. We stop thinking that they
will come back. WE accept ourselves as
we are right now. Other than being fat
and a little grumpy there isn’t a fucking thing wrong with me.
Forgotten or not.
Crying or not. I am ok. I am going to do this. I am doing this. I have to let go of the negative thoughts
and the bad juju. I have to focus on
what is in front of me and what I do have.
I feel like I am all over the place today. However, I will leave you with two
things. I told Sue, I could sit around
and wait for life to happen, or I could go out and live it. I told her you know why I signed up for the Star
Wars Half Marathon? Because if I am able
to get to 16 minute miles or not. I am
trying to do something. I have a plan. I have a purpose and that makes me feel
alive.
I know the levee will break.
I know it is not dry. It is only
a matter of time. There are too many
tears and too much anger and sadness for them not to find a way to fall. Like everything else in life, KA will
determine when it is time. Until then
all I can do is take my life one moment at a time and be thankful for what I
have and who I have in it. Can’t worry
about being forgotten or not being able to cleanse my soul, no I cannot do
that. All I can do is walk. Focus on the positives. Rebuild myself image and wait for the levee
to break.
I have this.
Also, The photographer calls these pictures:
"Pink Shirt with Bib, eating Tacos"
I am not afraid to rock the pink baby...
however still trying to figure out how I got sauce on my shirt under the bib:(
No comments:
Post a Comment