No video today

No video today...

I just don't feel like it and I don't have anything to say and no one wants to spend the weekend listening to me whine.  The recluse in me is fed up with all of this and wants to run and hide.  Lay down and sleep and just let things be.  The hero in me wants to rally and stand and be true.  The war rages on and another weeks turns to history in our story and we ask did we make a difference?  Did any of it really matter?

I am learning to embrace my dark side because I know there can be no light without the dark.  Just like there can be no summer without winter or happy without sad.  

Last week didn't go according to plan.  I failed.  I failed.  I couldn't sell myself as I wanted to too.  I all but fell on my face.  It's hard when your so disenchanted with what you do.  Then I ate, and ate, and ate some more which ended with me in the drive thru at M's getting not one but two sausage biscuits with cheese yesterday morning.  

I look back and realize my failure wasn't just Monday but it's been coming for a long time.  It has everything to do with several  things 1) stopping visualizing of who I  to become, 2) not drinking enough water, 3) allowing myself to many cheat situations.  It had worked up till now but 3 lbs up this week makes a gloomy Billy down right sad.

There is other shit.  There always is!  I have to remember my goal.  The life I want.  Not short term gratifications that aren't helping me move towards my destination but rather stilling space in my head.  

I had a goal and a dream and I need to remember that.  I have a place where I want to go, and i have a path and the people in San Jose to help me get there.  

I still feel so much better than I did in March.  I feel healthier, younger, more alive.  I feel like I have come so far from August.  I've done a lot of great things!   I have to cast out the things that make me feel bad.  I have to focus on getting healthy, and happy.   My life is here.  My path is here in front of me.  I won't be defined by my job.  My weight.  Or anything else.  

Though I am shrouded in the black dread right now it is lifting!  I see myself becoming the person I was born to be.  Meeting the people I'm intended to spend my life with.  Growing from who I am now.  Not

some weakling that needs external forces to make him feel good.  Someone who can stand and be true on his own.  I'm weak, I've been very weak since Vegas, but it's time to stop the Tom Foolery and move on.

I can't wait for the dream to happen! I must make it happen.  Focus on what I'm proud of:

- this blog

- the walking

- Tyson's program

- who I am in the pool

- my friends here and my family 

The rest doesn't really matter... What matters is that I am willing to stand and be true.  I'm willing to move on.  To fight for the life I want and it doesn't resemble what I have!  

If KA means to go in the low speech, then it is time...