Page 93

Book of 2016

 - Page 93 - 

In the last 24 hours I have reached out to three different facilities that deal with eating disorders.  Do I really believe I have an eating disorder?  I don't know if I do or not.  What I know is a lot of time I feel powerless over food and even when I have the ability to make the right choice I choose the wrong one.  I can't use the excuse that I don't have good food to eat at home, b/c I do.  I have a fridge full of meals that I made, and that I didn't touch last week.  Instead, I choose the stress foods.  The donuts, the pizza, the chipotle, McDonald's and in and out.  One of these on its own is not an issue.  All these thrown back, to back, to back aren't so good.  When you order two meals, at least two meals each time you got to M's, or In and out because you are terrified you might not be full enough, that is a problem.  The places I emailed are all places that ask you to reach out to them if you are considering bypass surgery.  Because honestly, I am almost to the point that I believe is the only way I can save myself from myself.   However, that doesn't deal with the compulsion.  It doesn't deal with the history of alcohol abuse in my family, one thing about us b's is we do love our booze.  I quit drinking to try and safe my life once, and guess what I found another source that does me even better than booze ever did.  

I know a lot of people don't think that food can be an issue like booze, smack, or COC.  I know this b/c at a lunch this week, when I was telling someone about OA the folks at my table laughed and found the concept funny that someone could have an issue with overeating.  They weren't trying to be mean.  They weren't being un-supportive but it just sounds unreal.  I get that.  

However, these aren't behaviors of a normal person.  After my friends leave after a big meal, i will go out for "gas" and somehow end up at the 7-11 with a pint of BJ's and some ice cream bars.  At dinner with a beautiful women's house, and instead of focusing on the wine and conversation all I can do is sit there and thing about getting a bag of chips and maybe a candy bar.  Being in the drive thru knowing you need to eat something, but your not really hungry, so you get to the place to order and you order not 1, not 2, but 3 burgers and 3 fries.  This is what I do.  I don't do it for attention. I don't do it for love.  I don't really know if I do it for pleasure.  What I do know is I do it b/c when I eat, I don't think not about work, not about being alone, not about anything.  The void is temporarily filled and nothing else matters.  

that is by definition in my mind a problem.  Gaining 9 pounds in two weeks.  that is a bit of an issue too.  So, i don't know what my plan is just yet.  I do know that I took the first step.  I admitted I need some help.  I also reached out to three clinics and another compulsive over eater.  I think that is the start of something.  i think it is the first step.  Also, I reached out to tyson so he could cook for me for a few weeks, so I can not think about food for a few weeks.  I think that will help out a lot. 

today,  i am going to swim.  take puppy on a little walk.  watch some basketball. that sounds like a good day to me. or and I am going to get in the sun.  my tan needs work.