Book of 2016
- Page 111-
I knew before I ever walked into the building it wasn't going to work. I knew what ever the people at the Standford Health Care - ValleyCare Weigh Loss Center had to say was nothing for me. They couldn't possibly tell me anything I didn't already know. They wouldn't understand my issues with food. They would just force me on some 1500 calorie a day diet and that would be the end of it. Sure they might have a group chat, but that would just be the same pissing and moaning you hear at a weight watchers meeting.
I can say that I was pleasantly surprised with the first meeting with them. The staff was so nice. The lady who talked to me on the phone the first day went out of her way to come and introduce herself and welcome me on my journey. I thought was pretty cool. There was a picture of people in the program on the wall and I thought again that is pretty cool.
Then I met Jen, my registered dietician. Like most people who don't know me she had no idea how to react to my humor. Like when she told me to take off my socks to get on the scale, I was like oh first the shoes now the socks, what's next the pants and shirt! A joke is never funny when you have to tell someone your joking. Then when she measured me and told me that I was only 5'9 and I gave her grief about how I was 5'11 and how the hell could she tell me I was shrinking. I said this relationship is off to a real bad start if you are taking away two inches! Again the look on her face was like what the hell is this guy talking about and I looked over and the lady who introduced herself to me was cracking up, she got it! She said everyone who gets measured there loses an inch or two, but jen was like did you really, do we need to re-measure and I was like no, I was 5'11 in shoes, not big deal its all good, I am pulling your leg.
I have gotten really good about this talking about my issues thing. Because by the time we sat down in her office I just spilled out the whole story. Why I was here. What I wanted to accomplish. What I needed help working on and such. She took it all in and nodded along at the right points. Then told me that we would work together and figure this out. I remember another appointment that went like that, it was 1997 and I met Dr. S for the first time, I was depressed, obsessed, and at the lowest point in my life, I spilled my guts to him, no holds barred and he told, its gonna be OK, and it was for a long time. I know this Stanford thing is going to have a similar positive impact on my life that Dr. S did when I was 21. Well at least now I do.
After the awkward jokes I made and the spilling of beans about my issues, we sort of went thru the questionnaire and the first few pages of my new binder she gave me outlining the program. i was like is this it, really is she just going to read this shit to me and ask me questions I have answered a million times? When is it coming the locked down on calories. When is it coming. However at some point the conversation turned and I realized she wasn't just going to spoon feed me and regurgitate what was in the printed stuff before here. As she talked more and more, i realized although she doesn't get my sense of humor that I still liked her. I don't know why but I found myself daring to believe in her and her methods.
She walked me through the program. I am not going to lie it is a low carb diet and I think of it as Paleo Modified and I do love me some Paleo dieting. It includes some things like cheese, soy, and tofu not found on the Paleo diet I was following. Then it excludes cashews, almonds, most fruits, and some other nut items that Paleo allowed. It also takes honey out of the equation. I basically have a menu of items I can eat and build meals from. I can have up to 20 grams of carbs a day. She really just wants me focusing on eating lots of veggies. half my plate should be veggies and she wants me to try hard to get them in. She say cover them with bacon, or cheese, just start getting them in and I am like OK, I can do that. To be honest it sounds lot like what Chrissy wanted me to do and what I was sort of doing on Paleo myself and I think that is why I felt so good about it. It re-enforced what I already know to be a good and strong path. She talked about how its not really the calories you eat but the quality of food. she spoke of mindful eating. She loved that I was on the W-3-0-1-W. She preferred people not snacking and grazing. She also told me I had not calorie limit, but to eat sensibly. The important thing is getting the veggies in and reduce the carbs and sugars and that was music to my ears!! We talked about keeping up the walking.
Then she told me about a therapist that helped out and knew their program. She encouraged me to reach out to her and work with her on my compulsive eating and over eating issues. She said she wasn't going to force me to do that, but it would be helpful and lots of people do it.
She then told me about the group support meetings. One is monthly during the day. the other is twice a month after work. I think I forgot to tell you I could spit on the place from my office it is so close. So, I am like I am going to all 3 each month. She thought that would be fine!
Then there are weekly meetings. Which are educational in nature. Talking about issues people are facing. that people meet weekly for discussion and learning and I really thought that would be great too again this is so close to work, I can sneak out and then always go back if I need too.
Now the one thing I come away thinking is that their isn't the super intensive behavioral therapy that an IOP offers. That it might not be intensive enough. That does scare me a little bit. However, I have come really far with Sue lately. We are really starting to dig in and work through some of this shit. There are so many things wrong with me it is sort of scattered and so we have to pick a few things at a time. Also, i am going to talk to this compulsive eating therapist. I am going to give this a try and see if I can't make a difference in my life. I am going to listening to OA podcasts. Also, I am going to start relying on my support group of friends. I have so many good friends and I am going to keep working on this. If this isn't the answer then the next step is IOP and if that doesn't work then I am checking into a facility.
Make no mistake I am not going into this thinking I am going to fail. I am going to do this 100% with all my efforts. I have people who believe in me and I believe in me too. I have change my outlook so much since the beginning of the year and yes, I fall but I get back up and I fall less.
Why is this different? Why isn't the next binge waiting just around the corner? Why Why why? I hear the questions they are in my head as well. I am not going to lie I am sitting her thinking about all the stuff I want to go shovel in my face one more time. I am good at that. I am my own worst enemy. I am like silver tongue and I can talk myself into eating anything because I wanted to believe the excuses. I do that because I don't respect myself or didn't respect myself enough. I admit this as much with Sue today. However, I choose to change that. I choose to believe this is my life and I can take control of my issues. I believe that inside me I have the power to do anything and make the life I want. I have the tools and I have the will and well I am excited. Really, excited to get started.
I know what a difference a motivated Billy b can be and I know how strong my will is. Yes the voices will never stop telling me that M's is just around the corner and I should go just one more time. Or pizza is so easy on the speed dial. That is me, I am an addict and I am working through this.
This is my time! I choose the life I have and want and I will see it come to life before my eyes. Jen and I agreed we have to work together and thru the program to change my relationship with food. Its not my friend, my lover, or drug of choice. It is a tool to be enjoyed from time to time but also a fuel to keep you going so you can do the things you love.
She told me she would introduce me to what real hunger is. We would work through the night cravings. That we would take it one day at a time and we would get to where we need to go together and with the others in the program!
I am really am excited and ready to give this a try... I will do it because I choose to do it.
Some interesting facts from my visit:
I am 53.3% fat, I am more fat than man
I have 212 pounds of muscle mass on me.
My bone mass is 11 pounds
I am 220.3 degrees on the obesity scale
I am a lot of things but I also know I am making changes and it is time to go! Ka will move me forward. It is time to relax, take life a little less seriously and move towards my goals and dreams.
It is all good because....
The Tower is Closer!!
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