I've known this person who there entire life has done nothing but try to fall in love. They looked high and low for acceptance. They searched for it, seeking it, always seeking. They looked everywhere because they knew if it was possible to be loved by someone else then perhaps their life actually meant something. That they actually matted. In their search they had "relationships" here and there, but never with some one they truly cared about or truly wanted. However they continued to search.
The more they searched for the acceptance in someone else the further they got away form it. So, more and more they hid from the world. He slowly but steadily built a wall around himself. Not letting anyone in. The hermit lost all hope that love would ever come. Thus he deemed himself unworthy. So the cycle began. He would hide more and more. No love. Hide a little further. Still no love was found. So he hid some more.
The pattern is something lots us know all to well. I actually have a name for it. I call it "The Truth about Suzie". See this person was crazy about Suzie. When I say crazy, I actually do mean crazy. She was the object of his affection. However, that isn’t what we are here to discuss today. Allow us to table objects of his affection for another day.
Suzie you see was everything that he thought he needed to be a full person. She was this gorgeous, hip, and cool Korean girl. She had shoulder length black hair, with these purple highlights. He loved those purple highlights. For some reason they always reminded him of a line from that song “Drops of Jupiter”. I mean it fit. In his mind now that she was back in the atmosphere with drops of Jupiter in her hair, literally translated in his mind to black hair with purple highlights in it. Suzie was smart. She was a runner. She did yoga. She was basically in his mind everything he had ever wanted in a woman. Most importantly she was in a relationship and completely unavailable to him.
So he knew in his mind, that if he could pull Suzie. If he could get her then nothing else would matter. Not his past that was spotted with more terror than he cared to remember. Not his present where he felt like a boy trapped working for a horrible heartless machine that sucked the life out of him every day. Because he would have his future and that is all that mattered. Was his future with her?
However, in the middle of all this obsessing over this Suzie, he took a step back and realized something. This wasn’t about Suzie at all. It was about him and his need for external acceptance. Looking so hard for someone anyone he wanted to tell him it was all ok. He needed to be ok. It was fine that he was heavy. That it was ok that he had been a bully and terrorist with words. That he mind fucked whom ever he could. All of this wouldn’t matter because he had some beautiful, amazing women to love him.
Suzie was a mirage. However the real truth about Suzie is he wasn't looking for anything other love and acceptance for himself. He wanted acceptance of who he was and what he wanted to be. He thought it could come from the outside. It can’t, this can only come from the inside.
When he figured this out do you know what he did? Do you think he started working on himself? Do you think he was trying to find that acceptance of himself that he so desperately needed?
The answer is no, he spent another 13 years searching in others what he never thought was in himself. All the while he grew more and more distant. He became more and more of a hermit. Hiding more and more form the world. Fore very good step forward, he took ten backwards.
The fucked up thing was the world had accepted him. People accepted him. Do I dare even say people loved him? Yes, I would say that as well. He even found something more beautiful and precious than he ever imagined. However, nothing changed in the moment either.
He still didn't wake up everyday and love himself. See because this acceptance, and happiness can never come from the outside. The issue was he didn’t believe. He still didn’t believe. He started a blog. He wrote beautifully at times and crappy at other times. He made videos. He preached. He vented. He laughed. He loved. 342 posts and over 14,500 page views later, he has hope.
He see’s his tower off in the distance. He knows how to get there. It will take a lot of hard work. Most of it is work in his mind and on his mind. Working every day with the image of the life he wants fixated at the front of it. He sees the man he wants to be. It is far from the man who he is. He sees it all very well.
Finally he knows that if he is every going to have the life he wants and love he wants in that life he has to do the first step and that is “Love yourself first”!
It all starts and ends with love. Loving the person who you are. You may never understand that person. You certainly won’t be able to understand all the things you want to about them. However, you can accept them. You accept the good and the bad. You look at the highs and lows. You take them all and what do you have. You have both Sugar and Cyanide.
Mostly you have to have a positive self-image of yourself. You have to believe in what you want and how you will accomplish it. You have to love yourself enough to do that. You have to work on that image everyday. It has to become a burning passion and force that takes your life from start to finish. You start realize that you are hero of your story.
You have to make sure you treat yourself right. You have to talk good to yourself. That is right, I just said you had to sweet talk yourself. You have to tell yourself constantly that you are just exactly who you need to be. You like yourself. Your special, and you are capable of turning the everyday into the amazing.
Finally you have to understand what you are allowing yourself to do and not do. Funny for me, I have weeks where I eat great, but guess what I don’t work out. Then the next weeks I will work out all week and guess what eat fast food. Why do I do that? Why do I limit myself? I actually know why I do it. I know and understand. Its called being in the rabbit hole, but I accept why I do it. I challenge myself to do it better.
I think I am a pretty unique soul. I think I am really creative. I have a great gift for writing. I am super funny. I am an asset to the people around me. Guess, what, I think that is me starting to like myself. Dare I say love myself? It has to start there. It has to. Love yourself. Accept yourself. We are going to do this!
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