“This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning
back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and
believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in
Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”
-Morpheus, The Matrix
“And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call”
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call”
-White Rabbit, Jefferson Airplane
RG still in the hospital and getting another CT scan, and
you sit here wondering if you are going to spend your holiday weekend at a
Kaiser Hospital in Mountain View. You know
she is going to be fine. It is just four
days in the hospital is a lot. Then
there is Mom Carol. She came out of
surgery just fine and is going to be ok.
Still shocked she’d have the shoulder surgery done so close to the biopsy.
There are too many worries on your
simple little mind. Then there is
puppy. The next 48 to 72 hours will be
rough on her. There are so many fucking amateur
firework enthusiasts. They will be doing
there private shows. There loud obnoxious
private shows. They terrify puppy. New Year’s Eve was bad. I have never seen her so scared. She was shaking. RG was home to deal with that and stay up
with her. I wonder if I will have the patience
to do that. I am not a man known for his
patience.
I am cranky today. I
am sleep deprived. I have been training
hard and not drinking enough water. Quarter
ends are like that sometimes. Also, I have
been loser with my diet than I should have been. I hate to admit that. I just have so much shit going on. So many fires I am fighting in my life that
sometimes, I let it slip. Let’s be
clear, I am not on the binge. I am not getting
a big mac, a QPC, and three large fries from McDonalds. No. Not that.
However, I am eating the food they bring into work. Which is not all natural food Tyson makes me
and that has a huge impact. I know it
does. Plus it leaves me with a lot of
food in the fridge that I need to take down.
As I told Sue the other day I just am working on some many things that I
can’t be perfect in all of them, all the time.
The other thing I told Sue yesterday was that I think when I
started this blog, and started this buddy system with Master Krug, it was about
dieting, trying to get a healthy body, and moving. Little did I know when I started this journey
just how far down the rabbit hole I was willing to go?
What I have learned since last August is that dieting and
exercise are an issue for me; however, my issues go so far beyond just being
fat. The rabbit hole if you will is dark
and deep, just as my fall from grace was.
I understand that now. I
understand that I had to peel back so much more of the onion than I ever
expected to. Eating a bad diet is one
thing. Being overweight is one
thing. Being obese is one thing. It is another to hide from the world. To feel that you are soiled and that the
mistakes of the past should somehow be held against you forever.
I don’t just eat like shit.
I eat to punish myself. I eat to
exile myself. My weight is my ring. I both love and hate it, as I both love and
hate myself. I thought it would protect
me. I thought I would build a wall
around myself that could never be penetrated.
I eat to have an excuse to hide myself from the world. Then say I am not part of the world because I
am fat. It is a double edge sword. The rabbit hole is deep and it is dark and the
fall is a long way.
Even in my exile though, my heart shown through. People have gotten through the barrier. Some I never saw coming. As I said the other day, for all of its short
comings and all my issues it is still a beautiful life. I need to stop complaining about that.
So on this July 4th weekend, I will be having my
own celebration as I swim and walk my weekend away. The
celebration that I am having is for the start of my independence from being the
prisoner in my mind, a slave to my in ability to reconcile with the boy I was
and the man I am. I had no idea last
August I would go down this rabbit hole.
However, I needed to. I needed to
see the scared boy who would hold onto his bed each night so the monsters
wouldn’t take him. I had to see the bully
that gave no quarter when it was time to make fun of someone. I had to see the anxious and depressed man
who had a broken mind. I had to take a
hard look at some of the man’s action. I
had to piece back together a heart that was supposed to be safe, but somehow
still ended up broken. I had to pick up
the pieces of a a broken life. Because I
have to be free from my past, so that I can love and accept my present. I have to be true to myself and my gift. My gift is this blog and my genuine heart.
So know the scale this July isn’t going to tell us how much
better we are. My mind will tell me
though. My mind and my body tell me we
are making progress. Once we cleanse the
mind, the body will heal. I see that
now. You can’t have one without the
other. My time is now. My freedom is now. My life is now. The world is moving on and I am moving with
it.
As it is this Throwback Thursday as these people call it on
the Facebook. I am going to do a
throwback to a July 4th weekend a long time ago, that was spent with
the first girl I ever loved. The picture
up top is from the 4th of July weekend. It was one of the best and worst weekends of
my life. Great because of the time I
spent with her. Bad because as I am sure
I will hear at least once from one of my family members tomorrow “Hence forth
Bill will be known as the torch!” It was
after all my own private firework show.
It was after the last legendary 4th of July party at the
Burkle household. It was at the red bar,
and that fucking bottle of Bacardi 151. It
was the shot glass that I filled and lit and let my friend drink. It was him bursting into flames and thank god
to this day for Poogie, and having he presents of mind to put him with a towel before
it ever got worst. I have lots of bad memories
of a misspent youth.
That smell of burning flesh, the reaction of the people around me, and the guilt I bear for that, I will never forget and can never forget. That was July 1992 and that moment was black. However, that is life. There can be no good without bad. No happy without sad. Most memories even the good ones have a smug or two of black around the edge. I try not to think of the torching as my family called it. I try to focus on the girl in the picture and the love only a 16 year-old boy could have in his heart. Most of my memories of that summer are the good parts of that weekend and hanging with her. I would love to blame time and space and say they are cruel things that drove us apart. I know it was more of a boy who was lost trying to find his way as a man and jealousy that pulled a friendship apart. That though is another story for another day, but what I know for sure is that I will always remember that 4th of July weekend as one of the best, if not the best ones I ever had.
Happy 4th People, may your BBQ’s burn hot and
your fireworks light up the night sky. Long days and Pleasant Nights and Enjoy the 3
day weekend!That smell of burning flesh, the reaction of the people around me, and the guilt I bear for that, I will never forget and can never forget. That was July 1992 and that moment was black. However, that is life. There can be no good without bad. No happy without sad. Most memories even the good ones have a smug or two of black around the edge. I try not to think of the torching as my family called it. I try to focus on the girl in the picture and the love only a 16 year-old boy could have in his heart. Most of my memories of that summer are the good parts of that weekend and hanging with her. I would love to blame time and space and say they are cruel things that drove us apart. I know it was more of a boy who was lost trying to find his way as a man and jealousy that pulled a friendship apart. That though is another story for another day, but what I know for sure is that I will always remember that 4th of July weekend as one of the best, if not the best ones I ever had.
Mostly thank you for coming down this far into the Rabbit Hole with me... we will win... we are very close to seeing that boy again... I know we are...
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