Sugar and Cyanide: Part I – Where I am … and where I need to go…

“I'm not gonna waste this

this opportunity's mine

I'm sick of complaining

About a beautiful life”

Tonight, Seether

 

Sugar and Cyanide:  Part I – Where I am … and where I need to go…

 

They have to feel it.  Those people who are actually forced to be around me by the proximity of which they live and or work.  I feel the radiation leaving my body.  I am a like a glowing beacon in the dark.  Pulse off with negative energy.  Whenever everything and I do mean everything feels wrong. It radiates and burns like a fever.  Your lost in a dark place an no matter what you do or what you say or you confide in, nothing every seem like it will be the way it was meant to be.  It doesn’t really seem dark, dark isn’t right.  It is not dark.  It is hazy.  Like there is a shadow lurking behind you and no matter how fast you turn, when you do it is gone. 

I have no idea why I have shadows in my mind.  Living wraiths that dance around my mind and fuck with any hopes of balance and stabilization.  So here we are.  Another Friday with shadows stretching over and covering my mind.  Casting a distinct haze onto everything I look at.  All I can really say about it is that it feels wrong.  It feels broken. 

Then again what else do you expect from me?  I wonder?  Really what do you expect?  I sometimes feel like the expectation is for me to wallow in my misery.  Do I continue to play the victim in a broken life? 

My head hurts.  My neck hurts.  Everything hurts.  It is just one of those days I guess.  The worst is the exhaustion.  It is pure and unadulterated exhaustion that makes it hard for you to not hang your head but to be up.  Friday’s aren’t supposed to be like this.   Hell Monday’s aren’t supposed to be like this.  However, we all have days and moments like this, don’t we?

The words that continue to come to mind are needy, victim, baby, and whiner.  Then again isn’t that just part of what makes me, me, right? 

This conversation all centers on my favorite and least favorite topic of all, me. What can I say; I do love to talk about myself. How I was, what I was doing, how was I taking care of myself, etc? However, in the midst of all this sorrow and decay I have a powerful thought.  A pure and powerful thought and realization that I have and keep having that I am of two equal but opposite forces that are essentially what makes me the mixture that I am one part Sugar and one part Cyanide. Seether, one of my favorite bands says it best in there song “Tonight”.

I don’t know why but the song resonates with me. Like the topic of the song, I too am I am really tired of wasting what is essentially a beautiful life. I don’t what it was in the middle of my tired, angry, hateful mind draws me to this conclusion.  For the first time in a long time my mind was quiet and the good in me (Sugar) was at peace with the anger, rage, and hate (Cyanide). The two polar opposites make me what I am.  It is the good of me and the bad of me.  Now sitting here staring at Mount Diablo, I feel some peace and hope come to me.  It is the first time I can remember ever being at peace in this office building, first of all.  Second it is the first time I can remember achieving peace outside of the swimming pool or during a binge.

I am both Sugar and Cyanide. I have wasted a lot of a beautiful life. However, I have also lived. Looking back at pictures and times of my lives in the rabbit hole I can see that. Looking at my wall of meddles and race bibs it is not just a testament to all the endurance events I have done but all the life I have lived.  Looking at the personal side of my life in the last year, I know I have had some great times. Even when I am in the fog of the black dread in my mind I have to remember who I am and what I am. Big and fat, crazy or sane, Ka-mai (Destiny’s Fool) or saint, it matters not, what does matter is I understand now none of it really matters because I am a person of substance. Living life, real life isn’t measured in how much money you have, how many women you have slept with, or how long or short your relationships have been, because none of that matters. What matters is quality of time you spend with those whom you love and making the best out of those small moments. It is those moments when the rest of the world doesn’t matter. It will be these things that remain.  That makes you who you are.   

That time, that space, that moment, that love will always remain. So this is part one of a three blog set called Sugar and Cyanide. It’s about understanding the importance in the moments. Part two with Sugar, and Part three will be Cyanide as both are huge elements to the man who I am. Each needs to be looked at and discussed and accepted. Now we all know it is time to move on from this time and this place. It is time to for me to become the man I was born to be and live the life I want.  I will be a life that is both free and without fear and doesn’t know limitations.  Like everything else we will take both the Sugar and Cyanide and come to a total understanding of who I am and why I do the things I do.  Mostly we will continue to move, grow and live.