The Fix

The Fix

It's crippling.  It's a need not based in rational thought.  But it's a need.  It's a need he can't deny anymore than he could stop himself from breathing, or his heart from beating.  It becomes an involuntary reflex to any situation that creates stress.  God knows there has been enough stress over the last week and a half. However he would be lying of he said he only did it in times of stress.  He does it in times of pure joy and happiness as well.  He does after all celebrate his victories just like his defeats.

He looks around him and he feels the wheels coming off.  It's all falling apart.  He has been asleep at the wheel.  He had no idea just how dark and dank the rabbit hole could be.  It's closing in on him, waiting to catch him.  

His chest hurts again.  He is tired.  So fucking tired.  His head starts to hurt and of course it must be a stroke or heart attack.  The same thing that has always ailed him.

He is feels alone even though he is not.  He can never truly be alone as long as the need is there.  Because there is always the need.  There is always the excuse it will be this one last time.  Because the need means something to him.   Why is his need to use more powerful than his need to survive? 

It's like a dream he can't wake up from, but unlike the messages from the subconscious, this he can control, but he doesn't, because it what he knows.  There is comfort in what you know.  If your beating yourself up over your need, then how can you possible climb out if the rabbit hole?   We call it the comfort in being sad.  It's strange but to stay is so much easier than to move on.  So why keep pushing your way thru the muck, why not feel the need and pretend you don't understand.  

The fix is the easiest and most natural thing he does.  It's easy to stop at a drive thru after a shitty few days in the office and order a burger, or three.  It's easy to eat it.  Fixing is always easy.  It grants you this fucked up high and for a split second all else stops in the world.  There is no need to worry about the trim that fell off your car.  The CPA license that your keep forgetting to send off.  The dog will be fine for another 45 minutes.  It will all be ok, because all you can do is live in that moment eating that crap.  You've lost count if how many nights you've fixed now.  And you've lost count if how many nights this would be the lady time.  After all it's easy, it's simple.  Just dot eat.  Make better choices.  Starve yourself.  It's all fine.  Everyone knows what's best for you.   You just don't follow directions.

Or maybe your terrified because for the first time in your life everything is clear.  Everything is real.  There are no more do overs or second chances.  You can be a monster, you can also be a hero.  You are good, but can also be bad.  You hate being an accountant.  Despise it even.  You grew up with issues, but we all do.  Your insecure, welcome to the human condition.  You know that everything you want is there for the taking.  Everything you want is at hand.  It is fucking terrifying because you might actually have to live again and living can be beautiful but it can so hurt.  The comfort of being sad doesn't hurt because your to bust beating your self up to see anything else, to feel anything else.  Sad is easy.  Sad is safe.  Sad is hiding just your had in the rabbit hole but keeping your eyes shut. So you are scared of accepting you have been asleep at the wheel.   Your scared of moving on.  Your tired of trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.  

So, you sleep walk thru office.  Your sleep walk thru the parking lot.  You read your email and it's upsetting all over again.  You look at your FB nothing.  Your personal account nothing.  So you squeeze in your car, and you drive with purpose to the first place you can get a fix and you do just that.  You use.  You fail.  You let yourself down because you know in your heart falling and failing is the only thing you do consistently.  So you fix to make it better, when you know it just makes it worse.  You've tossed gas I to a fire and you just can't stop yourself.  No that's not right, you don't want to.   Because using is easy.  Guilt is easy.  It takes away from the loneliness.  It takes away from the monotony that has become your everyday life and your career.  Use because using is ok.  Using makes it easier because that's an excuse and issue you can admit.  The others aren't so easy.  The others make you want to hold back.  The other might make you want to cry.  So fix and be done with it.  Fix so you don't have to accept what you know to be true.  Fix because there is some sick comfort in being true to your nature.  Fix because it's just to hard not to.  Fix because it's easier to fail.  Fix because maybe your just to broken to fix.