Things I am learning as I grow up, so I can find the love I deserve and live the life I want (Part 2)

Things I am learning as I grow up, so I can find the love I deserve and live the life I want (Part 2)   

A couple of concepts that seem to continually come up in my road to becoming the man I was born to be are faith and belief.  Have we are not talking about faith or belief in any deity. I am talking about two pretty simple concepts first faith that your life is out there, and second that you deserve it. 

I am an anxious person.  I always have been.  I can’t even remember when I had my first panic attack.  Therefore I have been the glass is half empty kind of person most of my life.  I tend to see the world, fate, Karma, and even to some extend KA as my enemy and not my friend.  However, I think along the way I have realized that I can’t see it that way.  I can’t keep on thinking that my time and efforts are in vain.  If you project negativity, then negativity is what you will get.  You reap what you sow.  Negative and fearful thoughts only make us anxious. Anxiety makes us think we can’t possibly get to where we need to go.  We aren’t moving fast enough.  It is never going too happened for us.  However, my time line isn’t yours.  Yours isn’t your neighbors, and theirs is some else’s entirely.  You will never ever get to live the life you want if you don’t stop this negative spiral.  I still get down.  I get low, so fucking low, but you know what I recover, and I recover fast.         

So, I think it is time to have a little faith in KA.  We have to remember to trust in divine timing.  Understand that you are exactly where you need to be today.  We are here in this time and place for a reason.  Just like I know we have endured our ups and downs for a reason.  I create my own reality.  So, I am going to be happy.  I am going to accept that I am here and now because I need to be here and now.  When you are thinking negatively you are basically manifesting the bad shit you don’t want to deal with.  We must think positively.  We have to expect that light will follow the dark.  We have to have faith that the universe which is both infinite and ancient knows exactly what it is doing and it is putting us where we need to be. 

Most of my life I have been a punk.  I am a spoiled brat.  That is truth.  I was given pretty much everything I have ever wanted.  I didn’t appreciate what I had.  I lashed out.  I harassed with words. I terrorized with words.  I made a lot of mistakes between there and now.  Guess what I have a lot more mistakes to make.  That is life.  I see that now.  I sit here now and realize that making mistakes is part of life and part of growing up.  I can’t hold being a punk and a brat ruin the rest of my life.  I can’t keep punishing myself for mistakes I made in the past.  I have to believe that I deserve living a wonderful life. 

I think this is the biggest issue I face.  I don’t do it intentionally.  My subconscious is working overtime and a lot of the time it can work against me. I think it is because I am not programing correctly.  I think it is because I am still doing time for crimes that I committed a long time ago.  I don’t understand the concept of forgiveness.   I thought I did. I thought I was ready to forgive others and most importantly myself.  Some say Si, others say no.  Only time will tell.  However, I have to believe.  I have to really believe that I am walking the path. I have to believe I can get back down to my ideal weight.  I have to believe, I can have a life in which I go the distances I want to go.  I have to believe that my life in attainable.  If I don’t then I won’t. 

I deserve this life.  I really do.  Just like I am exactly where I need to be, I also believe that my sun is on the horizon.  I am moving towards.  That I am getting there.  I do believe that I deserve to get better.  I do believe I deserve to meet the women of my dreams. I do believe I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to be healthy.  I do believe this. 

I will continue to focus everyday on the good in my life.  I will have faith that the time is coming.  I will believe that I am worthy of a great life.  I am good enough, and strong enough to have it.  I know each day I get a little closer to it.  Therefore I choose to stop sabotaging myself. I choose to push forward.  I choose to have faith and believe that my Tower is Closer.