I see Sue sitting across from me. She is talking to me and repeating the same
message over and again “Learn to accept the love t you already have in
your life. Do not put blinders on and
don’t limit the scope so much. You are
building a false reality and becoming the victim in your own sob story!” I can hear her saying it
to me. I can feel the weight of her words. They are heavy. The truth of the matter is though she is
right. I have to expand my vision. I have to see the love around me. I can no longer just focus on the love that I
am not getting from someone who could not offer it.
I told you the story about the Truth about Suzie. I told you how I have searched high and low
for acceptance from someone else. I told
you one part of the story. Do you know
how many Suzie’s there have been in my life?
More than I can possibly count on both hands. I could do the list. However, I don’t think that would help
anything. For most of the 10 years that
I have been seeing Sue there has been someone who was not giving me the love I
need. Honestly, I don’t think I have ever
said a truer statement in my life. The
love I was not getting came from one place and one place only. That love never came from me.
The whole miserable time I sat there with my glass half empty I whined
about not having love. I was starved for
it. At this moment in time I realize
that the love I needed from the inside.
So we are getting off track of what I wanted to talk about.
I am a lucky man. That is
a fact. I might be 460 pounds, I don’t
know, I refuse to weigh. I might have
shit knees that want to give out from the weight they bare. I might have more cracks on my feet than the
moon has craters, but that matter little.
I might be 38 and single and honestly never had a long term real relationship. I have no children. I don’t even have my own puppy, I borrow my roommates. With all that said I am a lucky man. I am graced with love all around me.
I don’t always appreciate the love that I am surrounded by. As a matter of fact I often times forget all
about it. I am not going to sit here and
say that everyone loves Billy b. That would
definitely not be a true statement. What
I will say is to know Billy b, I mean to really know him, to peel back the fat,
and know him. I would most of those
people that have taken that ride, do in fact love me. Bold, I know.
However, I think I speak truth.
I have never stopped and embraced the support that is all around
me. Look at what I have done as misguided
soul? I have built a successful career. I have started to embrace my Gods given
gifts. I have completed over twenty endurance
events. I did all of this while I didn’t
love myself or embrace the love around me.
What do you think we will accomplish now that I realize that I need to
take all this in? I think the sky is the
limit, don’t you?
It starts with taking the blinders off. It starts with appreciating all the lives
that I touch. I am a good Uncle to my
nieces and nephews. I am the fun crazy
Uncle in California. I love those kids
so much. A lot of the reasons I want to
get healthy is so I can go run and play with them and enjoy spending time with
them. That type of love I get from the
little ones means more to me than you can possibly imagine. I have a little not I read every day on my
desk about the positives in my life and guess what they are part of the things
I am thankful for being a live for. This
type of positive energy and thinking could take me far.
The gift of friendship is one that I have always taken for
granted. I am blessed with the most amazing
people around me. Good, strong people
who would do anything for me. I have the
best support group anyone could ask for.
I won’t try to list them all here or even any of them. The point is they know who they are. They know they are in my life. They are the ones
who come in and read this blog every day.
They are the ones that see in me what I never could. The man I so desperately want to be.
My family is like anyone’s family full of ups and downs and
strikes and gutters. We are a
family. To sit here and say we are
perfect would be a lie. To say we live
life and wade through the velvet sea is more accurate. My family loves me. I know that.
I appreciate that. I know in my
heart they truly want me to be the best Billy b that I can be.
When I get low, and I will get low I have to open my eyes and
see the love I have around me. I have to
start embracing it. Accepting it and nurturing
it because after all there is nothing more powerful than the power of
love.
I am ready to open my mind and my heart to the universe. I am ready to accept love. I am ready to appreciate what I have, so that
I can build to what I want, and that is a life worth living.
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