The Death Clock

 

It wasn’t until Sunday night after my turn around that I really remembered why I prefer the Game of Triathlon to Half Marathon, it is one simple little factor and it is probably not what you think.  It isn’t just the love of the pool.  You have to know by this point that I love the pool.  I love the pool perhaps more than I love anything else in live.  I mean I am part Black Fish and my natural habitat is the water.  However, it isn’t that.

It certainly isn’t the bike.  No, as a matter of fact the bike is my least favorite sport at this time.  I think it is because my Fuji bike tries to anally rape me every time I get on it.  Its gravity man and I have to admit that I am very gravitationally challenged.  I have a lot of mass and gravity pulls down on me really hard.  Therefore tiny seat, big seat, it don’t matter it tries to go to some place it should never go and it is very uncomfortable.  I will get back the bike and it won’t hurt as bad.  That is a goal.  We will get there. So it isn’t the bike either.

Walking is walking.  So, whether it is training for a half or a 10k or even a 5k it matters not.  The walking is what it is.  Give me a pair of shoes and I will walk. 

The truth is until Sunday night I had forgotten about it.  Then it exploded into my mind: TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK….  A monkey from my half marathon days was back. It was the return of the Death Clock. 

The Death Clock is a voice in my head that tells me to push and push hard.  It reminds me to keep going.  It tells me to move.  It tells me that I am a slacker and I am not trying hard enough.  It tells me I will never get to what I need to be, and the entire time it says TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK….

I can’t tell you how many times that clock has put me into the bit me zone.  Ever wonder why I have a smile on my face the entire time I am on a triathlon course?  It is simple it is because I am there only to have fun.  Fast or slow, it doesn’t matter, I am the underdog out there and just being out there makes me amazing.  When it comes to ½ marathon training I don’t feel the same way.  I feel an undying need to push myself.  Push and push hard.  TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK….

It is the Yin and Yang of my nature.  I need to push hard.  I need that in my life.  I am not going to get healthier if I don’t push myself.  I know that.  I have to push.  I need to push, but that fucking clock drives me nuts.  TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK….

I am not complaining about the clock being back.  That isn’t the point of this.  I am not complaining because I want to get better.  I have to get faster.  I need to push.  I want to.  I know it.  That is fine.  However, I am also scared.  TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK….

After all what am I afraid of?  It’s only rock n’ roll.  I am scared of getting to a 16 minute mile.  However, I am more afraid of breaking the streak, four days this month under a twenty minute mile, but I am working my ass off to get there.  Is it sustainable?  Can I maintain?  I am not recovering.  I am still exhausted, but is that body or mind?  I want to maintain a strong pace.  I have to 16 minutes miles is a long way away, and every day I start thinking about the death clock TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK….

I know there is a balance at some point in my mind.  Some place where there is serenity.  I just need to find it.  I have to understand walking for a time, is like my weight loss, and getting my life in order.  It is a series of ups and downs, strikes and gutters.  I won’t always make my time, however I am working towards it.  I have to be ok with the failure.  I have to be ok with not making it and celebrate those walks just as much as I celebrate the ones where I do make it. TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK….

This like everything else I am doing eating better, taking care of myself, putting me first, learning to like myself, and getting healthy, walking is a process.  It won’t always go my way.  However, I have to be prepared to fight the good fight.  I can’t worry about the count down in my head.  I won’t stop.  It doesn’t.  I just have to be prepared to do the best I can.  If I can do that, then if I am not as awesome as I should be, I can still move forward.  I don’t want to set up myself up for failure.  My mind is powerful.  I know that.  If I don’t work as hard as I should will I binge?  Worse if I work harder than I excepted will I binge?  TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK….

So much shit going on in my life.  Last week was rough.  I am exhausted.  However, I will keep on keeping on because I know I am on the path.  That is all we can ask for.  TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK…. And tell the fucking clock to shut the fuck up…