"All the hate in the world can't change yesterday or someone else's heart, it can only ruin today and tomorrow and poison a beautiful heart." Billy b, reflections on what is a beautiful life...
It's 4 P.M. and you just got back from springing your rookie from MTV El Camino Hospital. It wasn't how you expected to spend your day, but you wouldn't trade it for anything. It means the healing period can begin and she can really start to get back into her life. Tyson just left, his food look fucking amazing. Chicken Boob Fajitas and Chicken and Rice Salad. You are really excited because you know living and eating clean is what your body needs most. You will make breakfast for the next five days shortly. The oat and fruit smoothie is a tasty beverage and a great way to start the day.
However, it is also 4 P.M. and you are tired. You haven't walked and you have swam. To many promises have you broken on this blog. To many promises to yourself. Your not going to let another promise go down in flames. You will walk and you will swim tonight, before the stroke of midnight. You will, you must. It is what you gotta do. Pac Grove Olympic Mile isn't going to swim itself. The Star Wars Half marathon isn't going to power walk itself. So you have to keep going. Keep fighting the good fight.
You connected with another old friend this weekend. One that you hadn't spoken to in a while. You are amazed how easily the conversation picks back up. Maybe you have a gift for worlds or maybe you just have made some great friends along the way. You are inspired by her and her journey. It shows you that there is a path for all of us. I won't spin her tale, I wasn't asked to, so I won't. What you can say is she is doing it. She is making her life and following her path and you are really inspired. You've know her for as long as you can remember. What were you 10, when you met? Older? Younger? Does it matter. Friends for life i guess. She once called it friends from afar. Anyway, it has been a very reflective period for me.
We talked about what was going on with me and what was holding me back. I realize what Sue always says, there is so much hate and anger in me. I can come up with 1,000 reasons why. I can keep making excuses. However, none of that really matters. What matters is what do we are doing about it. I think all the people that are here in the battle with me are here for a reason.
There is a reason why Start Wars announced there marathon for Next January. There is a reason why Martha needs a swimmer for PG. There is a reason why we are here. I was told in January that 2014 was my year, that it was going to be my year. It is. I know it is. I am growing. I am getting stronger. I have opened up. I laughed. Ive wanted to cry. I have been forgiven and forgave. The old alliances are dead, but so are the old hates.
You have to walk away. You have to rise above and realize that you aren't as damaged as you thought. You have to realize the only thing that is really killing you is the hate you carry everywhere with you. Hate is suffocating. It is oppressive and it destroys our hearts desires. I know all about hate. It has been my ally for so long, but i can't win on hate. I can't lose weight on hate. I don't crave hate. So in my reflections today I found myself realizing that "All the hate in the world can't change yesterday or someone else's heart, it can only ruin today and tomorrow and poison a beautiful heart." My hate won't change it. I am still right where I am. I am still alone. I am still finding my way. Hating just poisons me. It makes it hard to get up. It makes it hard to sleep. It makes it hard to live. It makes it hard to accept. It makes it hard to love. Hate is a poison that rots you from the inside out. I wonder how many pounds of hate I carry with me each day. I wonder. I don't know. What I do know is that it has to stop. i am tired of starting every today and tomorrow at a deficit.
My life, its not what it was before. I see that now. I am blessed to have the people around me that I do. I have surrounded myself with people who believe in my dreams. They see where I am going and want me to get there. They believe that I will find my tower. That I will dance in the field of roses that lead to its door step. That is power and it is more fulfilling that hate can ever be.
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