Why is this time different?

"Why is this time different?" or  "I have heard this before."  I can't count on one hand how many times I have heard that in the last five days. Hell, on Thursday I swear two of my best friends had an entire lunch to grill me on the topic.  My biggest supporter even said this to me.  We have all heard it before.  My come to Jesus speech over my weight.  I get motivated for about a month and then I fall off and gain it all back.  Or I have consistent workouts for a month and then I don't workout for two.  I guess when you look at a ledger like mine the questions are fair ones.  I have made most of these promises before.  I have said a lot of these things before.  I wish I was born with a road map to finding what works for me.  I wish I had stuck to all the other diets in the past.  I wish I had already one this battle.  However, I have not.  I am not quite at the heaviest I have ever been, but I am pretty dam close.  I loose my way more often than I find it.  However, I think that is all part of my Ka.  I can sit here and make 1,000 excuses about why it didn't work before.  Either because I hate my job, I hate my life, the sky is blue, and water is wet, it really doesn't matter.  It also doesn't matter what others have said.  The only thing that matters is that this time I believe I am going to do.

My issues are my own.  I am the one who ate like shit and ended up in the spot I am in.  I am the one who didn't take care of my business.  My reasons for that are my own.  Maybe I have some deep seeded slights about my life.  Maybe, I have struggled the better part of 37 years trying to figure out a place in this world.  Maybe.  Again, whatever that is, and was it doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is what I do now.

I am dedicated to living in the day, and the moment.  I am dedicated to living a long and healthy live.  Finding true happiness.  Knowing there is more to live than a paycheck and the little fucking recognition that comes with breaking your ass everyday for a place that will never love.  I choose to live.  I choose not spend anymore weekends with more couch time than outside time.  I choose to work for the life I want to lead.

My body is failing me.  My knees are giving out, the arthritis in the right knee throbs non-stop and I am up every night between two and four taking Advil for the pain.  I have had 6 EKG's in the last year b/c folks are worried about my heart.  I have had three blood tests this year, and one piss test.  I am 37, not 87.  This isn't right, and why have I had these tests?  Why?  Because I didn't make it happen before.  Because I let myself down.

So here now at the beginning of a new life. I say this time is different because it has to be.  Because I need ti to be.  I have some things happen to me lately that has shown me how beautiful life can be and I want those things.  I need those things.  I will have to work for them, but I will get them.

This time has to be different.  It already is.  I am being more open and honest about my weight loss journey then ever before.  I know i have lots of people that love, however, this journey is not just about losing weight, and being healthy, it is about falling in love with myself.  Realizing all the things that make me a wonderful person that people want to be around and have in there life.

This time is different and I know my words aren't enough to convince you, so I will have to show you.  Well you know what fuck you, I owe you nothing.  This time is different because I want it to be, and I will show myself that it is different b/c I will win.  I WILL win!   I will get by, I will survive.

-- 

Billy b 

"I can do this." 

Edgar Freemantle from Stephen King's "Duma Key"