Into the dark 1

If I survive the day without going to far outside the tracks I will be amazed.  Last days of the quarter normally suck. Today multiply that by 100 and you might have some idea of where I am today.  However, I will give myself a small allowance today.  Tomorrow I go back to the pool.  So that will make things better.  I ate in my point so far today.  However, I am not sure how much longer I can maintain.  It’s is ok though.  I will get by and I will survive.  I am resilient that way.  My Sales VP is trying to get me to go to Hooters with him, but I told him I have to stay the course.  I broke down in his office today, well really broke down on the poor guy twice in the last 24 hours.  Real professional, but then again professionalism was never been my strong suit.  The fact of the matter is I will continue to maintain.  What other choice do I have?  Really, I don’t have any do I?  The last week and first week of the quarter are always hard.  The last week I lost 4.8 pounds.  This week, I will try to just keep the scale going in the right direction. 

The hardest is thing is to believe that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know it is always darkest before the dawn.  I know that it is going to get darker before it will get lighter.  However, I have to believe that it will get better and that it won’t always be so dark.  I have to believe that.  I wouldn’t be the kid if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be the kid. I wouldn’t be a dreamer.  I wouldn’t be me.  I have lost my ability to dream twice in my life.  I often refer to is as being dead, because I felt dead.  I feel dead when hope is lost.  However, I know some day on the other side of this blog, I will find the light.  I will find my way.  I have been dead twice, and I don’t like.  I have a lot of living to do before I die. I have a ways to go to find the life I want.  I don’t know where this journey is going, well hell right now I don’t know where this blog is going. 

I want to write but I am in a business meeting right now listening to the sales VP bullshit through some contract.  So, I can’t really focus.   so fuck it, I am going to play some cards while I wait on him to finish up.  its gonna be a long night.

We really need to talk about the black dread... the darkness... and the other things... anyway... that is thoughts for another time...

Thanks ye gods

No Mexico... And I'm home from being errand boy.  Even better, I went to the store and I'm making a proper pot of chili :)

Perhaps it's all coming together ;)

Goals this week: 4 swims including today

Eat out only twice - doubled chili so I have that, just in case.

Log points all day even on weekends :)

Weekends make up 1/3 of the year we should not treat this as free time :)

Fml....

Great swim this am... However FedEx fucked me... So  I'm off to the office... There goes my day of cooking and prepping for week.  I have to instead play courier... Which may or may not end in a red eye to Mexico City... Either way I'll just have to watch what I eat while dining out on the road... Shit happens...

Swim was fun this a.m.  I'm gonnna focus on that... But I'll never trust FedEx again.   Fuckers.. While others out havif a grand ole time on Friday I was at FedEx till 9 working to get shit sent to Mexico. Then they gave me bad info and I got fucked... Now I play courier.  If I have to fly to ole Mexico tonight, I am getting a brief case and chaining the docs to my wrist so I look cool.. I'll try to get black suite too.. FML. You just gotta laugh at my KA

Great Swim

Billy Burkle Swim for 1,300 m in 00:50:26 at a 00:00:58.19 25 m pace and at 1,546.596 m/hr

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/swim-speeds/id377321607?ls=1&mt=8

More bad news....

More bad news....

Well I slept thru my meeting this a.m. and missed my meeting.  That was bad.  However I did go way in and the weight I gained last is gone, well most of it!  Down 4.8 lbs!  Great!  Taking lunch everyday really helped!  Also swimming and not hitting drive thru helped!  This is actually good news. I talked to my meeting leader and let her know I was sorry for missing.  I will get back to it next week.  I was up at 5, but went back to sleep and rested as I guess I needed it :)

So the title if this is misleading ;). I'm just bad at titles :)

If I could...

Your pissed.  You were bored all day. You shopped.  You chatted.  You went for tea.  You don't start to do any real work because once you do deals will come in and you'll get pull off your work.  This is quarter end.  This is what You do.  You support sales.  So I wait.  Nothing comes.  You do your 3:30 interview.  He's not what you'd hoped.  You go back to your desk.  You fool around.  You wait.  You pick out your 1300 yard swim work out bc it's been slow.  You know it will stay that way.  You'll go swim.  You'll go home.  You'll make dinner.  You go to your 5:15 interview.  She seems bad.  But wait. She get might just get it.  You talk her  through stuff.  You know she is rough but maybe she will work.  She has the potential.  Your Almost done.  The senior vp of sales tracks you down.  He says we need you.  You have work to do.  You look at the time it's 6.  You finish your interview.  You dread what is waiting for you.  You were gone an hour.  You have 36 emails.  You look at the clock.  Your not making it to the pool.  You start reading emails.  You see the work has piles up.  You are frustrated.  You keep working bc it's who you are.  It's your Midwestern work ethic.  It's fighting years of being called lazy.  You work.  You feel bad.  You get an image in the back of your head.  It's a double QPC and large fries with a side of 2 double cheeseburgers and more fries.  It's the binge an it's on your mind.  You try to ignore it, but the more work you do the later it gets the more it haunts you.  You work.  You think about food. You work 45 minutes pass your almost done.  You shut down bc it's modern age you can work from your phone.  You email.  You get emails.  You walk.  You pee.  You email.  You get to snow flake you think of McDonald's.  you tell yourself no.  You know though your going.  You knew the minute you bailed on your swim you were going.  You know this because you know your going to lose.  You know this time is no different.  You can lie to your friends.  You can blog, but you can't lie to yourself.  You know the binge always wins.  You want to believe you can beat it.  You can't.  Your flawed.  You don't work that way.  You get in the car.  You drive.  You tell yourself you won't binge.  You'll got to panda instead.  You'll eat that its better because the ordering the 4th entree and the pot stickers isn't a binge it's just over eating.  It happens.  You can't win them all.  It's just one more time. You head down 680 and you know you'll fail.  You can't do it.  You need to eat to feel good.  You need to feel better because you got stuck at work.  You can do it tonight it's the last time.  You ask how many last times have their been?  You drive in silence because you car is screwed up and you can't use your iPod.  Your mad again.  Your gonna binge.  You think. Your mind wanders.  You laugh bc you can entertain yourself without re radio bc your mind is like a magic box you have no idea what will come out of it next.  You dream.  You think a out happy things.  You think about being on the path.  You think about wanting to be healthy so you can be with the people who are important up you.  You think about it.  You think about how you will feel if you go to the drive thru.  If you stop at panda and just overheat.  You think of the hate you will feel.  The self loathing.  The lost time and chance.  You think of the excuse you will make to your readers.  You think about how many last times their have been.  You think bout how much hate the binge brings. How much destruction.  You think about your points.  You get on highway 87. You start talking to yourself out load.  You tell yourself you'll hate yourself if you do it.  You'll feel bad.  You are better than this.  You think about how you can do it! You tell yourself you can go to subway.  You can order 30 meatball subs for all you care.  You can do this because it would break the cycle.  You can do this bc it's a change.  You can do it bc you want to believe.  You make up your mind you can get any footling you want bc it fits into the points.  You think maybe just maybe I'll pull this off.  You think this time is different.  You pull onto blossom hill ad you tell yourself your proud, then you tell yourself to shut up bc your not out of the woods yet.  You have done it yet.  You pull into subway.  You do the math,  you have the points your order your footling.  You get a salad too.  You smile because you didn't fail.  You did right by you because what you want is worth it.  You smile because you changed the outcome.  You smile because you start to believe.  You can do this!  You are worth it!  Your goals are worthy.

My name is billy b.  I'm a food junky. I will fight my urge to over eat every day of my life.  However,  I will beat this because I believe I will.  Whatever the mind can believe and conceive it can achieve.

I can do this!

No Post Yesterday....

Hi... I just realized I didn't post yesterday.  It wasn't b/c it was a bad day or anything it was just a normal day.  I walked a little bit, I ate at home.  I logged my points.  All was good, I just got really sleepy early on and went for an early bed time.

I found this blog today: http://www.overcomingo.com/

And I started to read it.  It looks like these folks have a had one hell of a journey.  I will read about it.  I know I am on my own journey and it will be my own path.  The last three days I have felt really good.  I think it is more of a spritual feeling good than a physical one. I am waking up before my alarm.  I am getting good sleep.  I am doing my best to keep a limited work schedule.  I have been swimming when I can.  I have to remember I am not in a race here, but rather a marathon for the rest of my life. 

Speaking of reading others blogs.  When I was at home, I got some great advise from my Big Brother.  I was at his computer looking up weight loss success stories and trying to see how other people had done.  My older brother says to me "Go make your own story."  It was good advise.  I have to make my own story. I have to take my own path.  I wish I had a roadmap.  However any map is just a guide.  I know what to do.  Eat better and  move more.  I can do this....

Anyway... Happy Day my friends!!! Almost time for the weekend!!!!

9:39 PM

Just got home.  Wish I could say I was at the pool but I got stuck at work.  Having some saying the work you did was crap and bad bc it's sloppy makes it worse.  

However I write not to bitch but to share glad tidings ;-)

It's rare that a late night at the office is not follow by a binge or a fast food stop. I mean how else is better to celebrate a night of working late than a bag of BBq chips, a pint of Ben and Jerry's and a snickers for good measure.  Not tonight though.  It really wasn't an option.  I made a healthy choice for my dinner that was brought in and stayed in my points.  That is good news and rarely happens for me.  I think the world is changing.  

I also have to give a shot out to Jessica for helping with the cheesecake incident. I have to admit I was tempted but ended up trashing it.  Thanks Frodo, great life line there :)

Anyway... Week is looking up.  Heard from coach Tom today and we have a plan of attack for the pool. 

Even though work sucks, I will get by.

Actually spoke to my first recruiter today. 

Yes the world is changing :)

Happy Night!

Easy swim tonight ...

Off home now to try WW fajitas.... Wish me luck!

Swim was good.  I'm super soar after the weekend swims.  So focused on easy sets tonight.

Mainly kick and easy free 50/50 over the 1200, also accounts for the slow ass time.

Billy Burkle Swim for 1,200 m in 01:03:00 at a 00:01:18.75 25 m pace and at 1,142.86 m/hr

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/swim-speeds/id377321607?ls=1&mt=8

Killed my swim! Best time in 1600M

Nailed the swim today!  Broke my ass and left something in the pool!  However I was awesome today!

Stats below !

So today have lots to do to get ready for week ahead!  Got to reverse last weeks debacle and fight hard this week!

Great start to the week with a big swim

To put the swim in perspective that's 10 minutes less, than it took me to swim the same last week!  A good start!

Billy Burkle Swim for 1,600 m in 00:48:30 at a 00:00:41.58 25 yds pace and at 1,979.38 m/hr

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/swim-speeds/id377321607?ls=1&mt=8

The ups and downs of it...

Well the day started off crappy :(

I gained this week.  5.8 lbs to be exact.  

I know why.  I don't track as closely as I need to and I eat out everyday for lunch and don't manage that healthy like.  They put beef an lo mein in front of me and well I eat it all and then the potstickes and crab ragoon too.  And I add a portion to ww when I eat more. I did cut back this week, but clearly not enough.

I can do two things at this point.  Self distruct and say fuck it or I can fight. 

I choose the fight.  I'm not ready to say I can't do this.  I'm not ready to say I fail and the only way ill ever be healthy is to have my tummy cut out.  I'm just not ready for that.  I knew this was a battle and I'm am going to fight.  I just didn't expect to gain and start straight up hill.

It happens.  Shit happens.  Life happens.   I have to take my own lunches and snacks this week.   I have to log.  I just have too.  I must get better.

Got some good news from the doctor this week.  My blood is clean and healthy.  Not diabetic, and over all things are good.  He gave me some new meds that's should help w my energy level, I'll start that Monday.  

So... I can to the pool after my meeting.  I swam hard!  I was on pace to 1300 M in the same time I did 1200 Thursday!  The. My leg cramped!  Bummer!  It hurt like a son of a bitch!  But I finished anyway and I'll take 1300 in 54 minutes bc I know I worked hard. I'm gonna head home now and drink lots of H20 so there is no cramping on my mile tomorrow.  Need to bring that back down below an hour.

Good goal!

Well good people, the fight starts new right now :)

Isn't my pool at the club awesome?  

Wise are the cookies of fortune

Happy Friday

I'm nervous about tomorrow.  All though I logged all my points.  I over ate a few times and I feel a lil bloated.   No matter what the scale says its been a great week!  We accomplished a lot.  Went thru lots of ups and downs, but I feel like since we started this, I'm better.  I know I can do this!  

Had a great swim last night.  Although I am unusually sore today.   However, I didn't get to the pool on my own.   I had to throw two life lines out.  Thanks Kenny and Dorothy!  Both of you where there getting me to the pool when I needed it.  

It's not that I didn't want to swim, it's i was I was so gods damned tired.  But they both encouraged me and I swam 48 laps in 48 minutes.  So we won last night :)

 Still am tired.  Woke up with a lil headache, but nothing some Pete's can't fix!

Ok!  Happy Friday 

A beautiful day without drama is rare

Today started off shitty!  I confessed sins, but still felt bad.  Then I got an email an someone wished my blues away and it mad me grin!  That person is awesome!

Slowly but surely after that things got better!  And I smiled and thought about the magical power cast over me and I smiled bigger and bigger and a shitty day turned beautiful!  Thanks for the life line darlin it helped!  

I missed my cut off by 15 minutes or so... But that's all right, that's ok.  It happens. But I left work and I went for a swim and I nailed it! 37 minutes for 1000 meters... And I could have done it in 32 but I backed off...  After my swim I was starving.  So hungry.  I ate a granola bar on the way home and then made BBQ piggy tacos.  So fucking good!  Really I loved them.  Still used to much apple cider vinegar but who cares, after a shitty day yesterday I'm back in the saddle today!  I rock!  It did take a little help from a some friends but I did get back in the saddle!  Thanks!

So a bad day was turned beautiful by a smile!  That's awesome!  :D

Confession

Dear Valued Reader:

I was too much of a coward last night to make a confession.  I broke last night and I binged.  If the buddy system is going to work, then I have to be 100% honest.  I can’t hide the things that are bothering.  I can sit here and make all types of excuses.  However, last night, I didn’t want to succeed. After a disagreement over a project at work, and staying at work until like 8 something being moral support and a guiding hand, I just didn’t want to deal with anything and by the time I got home I had no hope and extremely less discipline.  Even know I had a fridge full of food, I still failed I found myself at In and Out Burger and in the drive thru, I broke.  I order a meal… then I decided to Extra Burgers would make this just a perfect night.  I had life lines I chose not to use them.  I don’t know why.  I never talk about my binges.  I never tell anyone about them.  I do it and I have already expressed the mind numbing quality the fix gives me.  I can sit here and say that I am an addict.  I have problem with food.  However, the truth is I just failed.  This journey is not and can never be a straight-line.  I will have ups and downs, strikes and gutters, and I will fail.  I will have bad nights, but I have to talk about them and understand them.  Understand what leads me to them.  Last night I was upset, that I got pulled into a project, b/c all the shit at my company rolls into the cube of the one person in finance that actually has a clue of what is going on.  I also get the feeling that people put this all at my feet. I have always said I do the best I can. I work my ass off.  I do the best job I can.  When I know there is a mistake I fix it. However, since joining this circus I have been spread thin, like butter over to much bread.  There have always been around 22 or 23 holes in the damn and I only have 10 fingers and 10 toes to plug them with.  So that means there will always be holes that I can’t cover.  Maybe that is me and in my mind.  Maybe, I am just to self-conscious and not confident enough in myself to deal with it.  Also, I am tired of all the fucking politics, people trying to get into my business that shouldn’t be getting into it.  so I was tired and depressed and I was weak.    So I failed. 

How could I have not failed? 

1.       Go to the pool.  I should always have swimming gear in my car.

2.       Write in my blog

3.       Reach out to a friend

4.       Read my blog and remember that I am doing this for me.

Also, what I have to understand and even though I failed, the most important thing is what happens is what happens today.  What happens now?  The first thing I did was log my binge.  I don’t normally do that.  So that is a huge step forward.   Two log today.  Just because I failed last night doesn’t mean that I can’t still have a successful week.  3 Get to the pool tonight and work off the binge.  My bag is packed.  I have to change my life or I won’t be along to live it.  I want to change my life.  I want to live.  I choose life.  So, here I am and hear my confession.  Understand that one slip doesn’t make a complete failure.  Weight Watchers actually speaks about this in meetings and on the website.  So, I will stand back up today because it is a new day and it is beautiful and wonderful.  I will get by and I will survive.  I WILL PICK MYSELF UP AND MOVE FORWARD. 

I CAN DO THIS!

Billy b

Trying to find happy place

Need to find my happy place!  I feel the black dread coming on....  I must focus!  Update resume.  Swim tomorrow.  Focus!  Focus!  There is a light at end of tunnel!

Just winding down

Today wasn't great.  As a matter of fact it was down right bad.  To busy at work.  Isn't that that Bain of my existence?

I was stuck cleaning up a mess that I had moved on from over two years ago but keep getting sucked back into.  Nature of the fucking beast I guess.  

Whatever... It's over it's done I got to leave work At 8,

I'm trying to find something positive to say about today but I'm failing right now. How about I logged all my points.

Yay

Sloppy Willy's

Momma said there would be days likes these (nights)

I'll start by saying I really don't like my job.  It's not the job I want to be doing or with the people I want to be doing it with.    I need to find a new one.  However with that said I have a work ethic.  I can see any Burkle reading this snickering.  But whatever I do.  I'm not the same little boy who used to go hide on the bathroom ever time we got home from the market so I wouldn't have to carry stuff in.  And yes my valued reader I did that.  

So today when 5:30 pm hit my hard cut off for work and I wasn't packing up I was mad.  Not because there was work to be done, but rather there wasn't work to be done.  The VP of sales wanted me to stay there just in case he needed me.  It's a good feeling knowing your an A player and one of the last powerful peeps in your company want you to stay just on case, but who wants to sit at work and do nothing?  Not me.  So as five turned to 5:45 and then six and there was not sign of him letting me go I got angry.  Then I looked out on the hallway and the new finance management team was still working too.  Keeping people passed five   Bc they think that is their god given right and I got angrier.  Then when's new boss came to me and said I need you to do x, y, and z when can you do it, I got furious.  What the fuck would they have done if I wasn't there? Hmm?  

The point of all this is that when I get like this, thinking about how I can't get out of work. Thinking I won't get home till 9 or 10.  I start thinking about what is for dinner?  And dinner on a night like tonight has always been McDonalds, Burger King, or the Pizza.   It's my just ill pick up something quick.  No, it's about feeling better!  It's about the binge.  It's about the time between the start of a good binge and the end of one where I think of nothing but the taste of the binge.  The slight euphoria of it.  Oh.  I knew one thing was for sure.  Tonight I was binging and tonight I was going to do it up right!

As I sat at work as 6 turned to 6:30.  I thought, maybe nothing has changed.  Maybe I'm still the same person.  Maybe it never will. 

So at that point i did something knew and I texted my buddy Kenny.  I told him "I'm totally stressed and mad and I want to go home and eat three whoppers!"

He text back and said no, why are you stressed and mad. 

I told him. 

But at the same time I decided you know what this job ain't worth it.  So I packed my bag.  Turned to Te svp of sales and said if you need me email me.  He is like are you going to work out?  I said no, I'm going home, I want to go home and I walked out.

The binge was on my mind.  I texted Kenny and him i was leaving.  Told him I had to go.

I drove.  And I thought.  I drove an I thought.  I knew one thing I didn't want to binge.  I didn't.  I wanted this time to be different.  I want to win this time. 

Kenny texted me to check on me. 

I said kenny I want McDonald and I want bK but I can't.  I am going home and making sloppy willy's weight watchers version of sloppy joe's.

And that is what I did.  I won again tonight.  The next two weeks will be hard bc of work.  But the wins are rolling in. 

Thanks kenny for being my life line.

And boom we win again!

Good night :)

Mile swim!

Good swim today!  A little slower than I wanted.  

Last three days have been great!  

Billy Burkle Swim for 1,600 m in 00:58:30 at a 00:00:54.84 25 m pace and at 1,641.03 m/hr

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/swim-speeds/id377321607?ls=1&mt=8

a worthy goal

Even if I find a new job, I will still work a sales cycle and unless I find a very special company that doesn't care about quarter ends, I will not be able to Lavaman in 2014 b/c it falls on Sunday March 30, 2014, which is 1 day prior to quarter end.  Being a responsible employee, I know I have to make sure I am available to do my job on that day.  So a trip to and from Hawaii just won't cut it.  I know what you are thinking, nothing has changed.  Look even though I work to support my life style doesn't mean, I can't be good at my job.  I have a strong work ethic.  Installed by the Great Doc Hopper (AKA my Dad).  Even though I can work 60 hours weeks and give my entire life to my job, my family will always remember me as a little boy who worked harder trying to get out of work than doing the work itself. Well fuck'em all.  If anyone questions my work ethic after getting a CPA, 9 Triathlons, over a half dozen other endurance events, they can go get a giant spoon, and take a nice big bite out of my ass.

Anyway, we got off point there... Look at the man in the picture. See him very well.  Now imagine him looking good in that shirt.  The awesome dry fit lavaman shirt.  It sits in my house on a chair, where I pass it every day.  So that I can look and it and remember a promise I made to Coach Janna and CP in Kona last year, that by next March this shirt would fit and it will.  Gods be damned it will.

There are approximately 29 weeks from now until the March 30, 2014.  If I follow healthy weight loss guidance of 2 pounds a week.  That means between now and then 60 lbs or so.  Which would make me look good in that shirt.

So...  lets go...

Side notes:

Logged Thursday, Friday, and Saturday all my points....
Made it to my meeting.

Today, I am reorganizing my kitchen, to set up a healthy space and clean space so that I can feel good about being in the kitchen.

Finally, I am pulling my pork tender lion, which is going into the crock pot.  All, you people who had a dirty thought when I said pulling my pork, shame on you.  Although, I led you there :D

Happy Sunday!  Have a great day!!!!

Why is this time different?

"Why is this time different?" or  "I have heard this before."  I can't count on one hand how many times I have heard that in the last five days. Hell, on Thursday I swear two of my best friends had an entire lunch to grill me on the topic.  My biggest supporter even said this to me.  We have all heard it before.  My come to Jesus speech over my weight.  I get motivated for about a month and then I fall off and gain it all back.  Or I have consistent workouts for a month and then I don't workout for two.  I guess when you look at a ledger like mine the questions are fair ones.  I have made most of these promises before.  I have said a lot of these things before.  I wish I was born with a road map to finding what works for me.  I wish I had stuck to all the other diets in the past.  I wish I had already one this battle.  However, I have not.  I am not quite at the heaviest I have ever been, but I am pretty dam close.  I loose my way more often than I find it.  However, I think that is all part of my Ka.  I can sit here and make 1,000 excuses about why it didn't work before.  Either because I hate my job, I hate my life, the sky is blue, and water is wet, it really doesn't matter.  It also doesn't matter what others have said.  The only thing that matters is that this time I believe I am going to do.

My issues are my own.  I am the one who ate like shit and ended up in the spot I am in.  I am the one who didn't take care of my business.  My reasons for that are my own.  Maybe I have some deep seeded slights about my life.  Maybe, I have struggled the better part of 37 years trying to figure out a place in this world.  Maybe.  Again, whatever that is, and was it doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is what I do now.

I am dedicated to living in the day, and the moment.  I am dedicated to living a long and healthy live.  Finding true happiness.  Knowing there is more to live than a paycheck and the little fucking recognition that comes with breaking your ass everyday for a place that will never love.  I choose to live.  I choose not spend anymore weekends with more couch time than outside time.  I choose to work for the life I want to lead.

My body is failing me.  My knees are giving out, the arthritis in the right knee throbs non-stop and I am up every night between two and four taking Advil for the pain.  I have had 6 EKG's in the last year b/c folks are worried about my heart.  I have had three blood tests this year, and one piss test.  I am 37, not 87.  This isn't right, and why have I had these tests?  Why?  Because I didn't make it happen before.  Because I let myself down.

So here now at the beginning of a new life. I say this time is different because it has to be.  Because I need ti to be.  I have some things happen to me lately that has shown me how beautiful life can be and I want those things.  I need those things.  I will have to work for them, but I will get them.

This time has to be different.  It already is.  I am being more open and honest about my weight loss journey then ever before.  I know i have lots of people that love, however, this journey is not just about losing weight, and being healthy, it is about falling in love with myself.  Realizing all the things that make me a wonderful person that people want to be around and have in there life.

This time is different and I know my words aren't enough to convince you, so I will have to show you.  Well you know what fuck you, I owe you nothing.  This time is different because I want it to be, and I will show myself that it is different b/c I will win.  I WILL win!   I will get by, I will survive.

-- 

Billy b 

"I can do this." 

Edgar Freemantle from Stephen King's "Duma Key"

Happy Saturday Morning

1.  WW meeting stayed whole time :). Check

2.  1200 m swim

300 warm up

600 kick non-stop

300 cool Down

Time for coffee 

Next blog: why is this time different

Work out stats

Billy Burkle Swim for 1,200 m in 00:56:25 at a 00:01:04.48 25 yds pace and at 1,276.22 m/hr

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/swim-speeds/id377321607?ls=1&mt=8

Staying Strong!

I know it's only day 2, and I know coming home and making a steak doesn't sound healthy, but I do has the points.  

I must be pretty hungry because on the way I was listening to a book a they were talking about things like Chinese food, pizza, exotic soups and I'm like ok I'm gonna totally order a pie when I get home.  Then I'm like no, no, I can't do that.  Then I decided I'd go to McDonald's and get a few value meals.  Then I was like no ill got to Panda Express and get Chinese food.  Don't get me wrong on WW u can eat all this stuff, but that isn't what was on my mind.  It was eat whatever I want.  Go to town.  Why not, it's just one night.  The urge to binge is always strong in me.  

However I remembered a promise.  One I made to myself, that I was going to change my life.  That I wasn't going to go down the road of just one more night, one more time anymore.  This will never be easy for me, I will fail, but not tonight.  I didn't!

I stayed the course.  I stayed strong.

Remember this Billy b, u did it!  Also, remember why.  Because I choose life.  To find my life.  To live my life.  To love my life :)

Day 2 update

Made my swim, and I logged all points yesterday, and I left work on time!  Nailed it!  Feeling good!

This mornings swim details:

Billy Burkle Swim for 1,000 m in 00:40:28 at a 00:01:00.7 25 m pace and at 1,482.7 m/hr

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/swim-speeds/id377321607?ls=1&mt=8

New day dawns

6:00 am and I've walked, I have thought, and I'm showered!  A new life starts now.  Ka and Karma are with me.  I can feel it.  

Swim schedule for week:

Friday - 1000 M

Saturday - 1200 M kick 

Sunday - mile pyramid 

Tuesday - 1000M breast

Thursday - 1200 drills

Friday - 1000 M free

Starting point

So it begins...

Hi, I am really excited.  Today i start a new journey on a new life.  One of my best friends was out on Labor  day weekend and we came up with an idea to help each other meet our goals of living a healthier life.  We call it the Buddy System.  Two friends who are going to work to support each other become new people.

Timmy basically sat me down on the Saturday of Labor Day Weekend and told me some truths, some which were very very hard to swallow.

1.  I am a piss poor version of Billy b, I am not the man I am meant to be.
2.  My work takes up to much of my life, I put to much into it.  It is a job and a pay check and I have to put Billy b first.
3.  That I am lucky to not be a diabetic and have other serious health issues.  B/c blood and heart test results are in and I am healthy.  I have been given a new chance.
4.  I am selfish. I am selfish I would expect anyone to accept this version of me.
5.  That I can't honestly sit here and say I am living the life I want.

So, I took his words and I went on a weeks vacation back to my childhood home and i thought.  I moved around and i thought some more.

While, I was gone, I wrote a manifest.  Put Billy b first, become the person I am suppose to be, and live, live a good life.  My time has to be mine now, my choices mine, and i have to realize that everything action I take has a consequence.  Every thing I do from here on out is live my life to the fullest.

There are some many reasons I want to take the weight off.  I can't even begin to list them all here but some are the following:

1. Live a long and healthy life.  Get healthy for me and only for me.  So that I can be around for a long time.

2. Knee's - my knees are going to support my weight for much longer.  They hurt, they pop, they creak.  I am 37, not 87, they shouldn't do that.  I know why they do, but they shouldn't.

3. Be comfortable.  OMG - comfort is something I think we all take for granite.  I want to be comfortable.  I want to fit into seats, and not worry that they will break from underneath me.  I want to fit into my clothes. I want to fit into cars. I want to fit into bathrooms, all bathrooms.

4.  Don't be afraid anymore.  What am I afraid of.  Stairs, long walks, little chairs, and a lot of other things.  However, stairs are my enemy right now.  So are little chairs.  I crushed one two weeks ago at breakfast.  Literally sat down in it and the chair went boom.

So, how do I do it.

Well first I write here on this blog.  So, that I can share with Timmy everything i am doing and what I am working on, b/c the buddy system only works if you work it out with a buddy.

Second, I put me first.  Fuck work, fuck any other distraction, I have to live for Billy b.

Third, find a job where I can put me first.

Four, surround myself with people that want this as bad as I do.

Five, choose a weight loss system that I know works and that I can be successful on.  My plan is simple do what I know works, and I know following weight watchers works and I do mean following it.

Goals for this week (note I am starting this week tomorrow September 12, 2013 and it will run until September 20, 2013.)  That is because my weigh in day and each week will start with a trip to weight watchers.  I will attend and stay for the entire meeting at 8:30 each saturday.  My week begins and end there.

Goal 1: Track, don't care what I eat, just log everything.
Goal 2: Plan - plan my kitchen area, my workouts, and my foods
Goal 3: 6 workouts over the next 10 days... all swims of course.  B/c I am going to swim my way to a healthier happier me.

So it begins...