Page 135

Book of 2016

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Tyson brought my food today.  I have never been so excited to see broccoli's and mushrooms in my life!  Honestly, I have really enjoyed eating more veggies.  I want to say while in Vegas I did 80/20 being on track but it was probably more like 70/30, ok, ok, 60/40 if I really stop and review each.  hors d'oeuvres  add up over time.  However, shit happens.  60/40 is better than a lot of rations.  Like 40/60, etc...  I am back, have my food, and ready to do.  although, I do have whip up some some breakfast for the week tomorrow.  Shouldn't be a problem, I have a dozen of eggs, some bacon, and some cheese and that has casserole written all over it!  Although, i should add some peppers up in the m'fer!  Oh and spinach!  There must be spinach!

Started listening to the Four Agreements again today.  I am not going to lie, I am looking for something to help shape my believe system and I really like what that book has to say.  The book is power.  It covers a recurring theme that I see in my own life.  That if you can accept yourself and guide yourself with love and positive energy then you can over come anything.  I am not an expert and right now that is what  I am taking from it. 

The book speaks of the Judge!  Every time it talks about the Judge, I see this awful image of someone who is powerful and hurtful in my mind.  I think that is because I know that judge.  I think it know tat judge because it is the monkey that has for so long ridden on my back, which his lower paws gripping and digging into my back and his right arm gripping my throat, all while his left swings a nine tailed whip.  It is all the heartache and all the pain of a life time of feeling like I didn't fit. Like I was the odd man out.  That I had it wrong.  That living with your head in the clouds was wrong.  Wanting to have love and peace was wrong.  It is a life time of hate, rage, and bitterness swinging from that whip.  

Then it speaks of the victim and don't we know that person all to well.  We don't fear the victim though.  Why would we?  The victim is weak.  He is pathetic and soft.  He can't keep his word.  he doesn't finish what he starts.  He is a spinner of lies and excuses.  Worst of all no matter how long her has known about that hate filled Judge Monkey on his back he can't ever stand up and shake it once and for all. 

It talks about hell on earth and that we are living in that very hell.  It is all around us.  Its the violence, the hate, and the bitterness that is all around us every where we look.  It says we can't be damned to hell because we are already there.  i hear truth in those words, because I fully believe we are prisoners in our own mind.  If we are unhappy and in hell, then it is our own making.  It is our weakness of being the victim to a crazed judge that pushes us deeper and deeper into this hell on Earth.

Although the book does offer hope.  It isn't one that just leads you to a dark place.  A dark place that has brought tears to my eyes each time I have read it.  They never fall, no, never fall, I am able to avert that.  My focus will change just long enough to let them chicken out from a free fall and they go back down to where they came from. 

The book is hope.  The book shows a path to unmake the judge and victim in our own minds.  It tells you how to make peace and move forward because that is all any of us can do.  Is accept that which has happened and choose what we will do next. 

I choose to move forward.  Not only w/ the Stanford program but also with trying to put the war in my head to peace.  I have flooded myself in the first quarter of this year with happy thoughts. I have changed my TV habits.  I have changed my reading habits.  I try and focus on a good outcome.  I need tools to move this life and this existence forward.  I am meant for greater things than bitching about my job and my weight.  I am meant to do things that would astonish and amaze myself.  I have always known this. 

I refuse to be the person watching the party from the outskirts.  I choose to be part of it.  I choose to change it.  This terrifying judge and this weak victim have a reckoning coming to them.  The war in my head will soon known peace because I choose to believe now is the time.  My transformation has just begun and some day I will look back to today and know that it was this day I pushed it further along the path. 

While I will never be perfect.  I will never the perfect human specimen.  There will be no six packs or abs of steel in my future.  I might always wear XL or XXL or even XXXL, ha ha ha, XXX =) I will make peace with that and I will be the version of me I am supposed to be and that is all I can ask for!