Page 124

Book of 2016

- Page 124 -

It is without a doubt my poison.  The number 4 value meal from M's is literally my favorite fast food fix I can get.  I look at the above picture and I get a little sick to my stomach.  It isn't because of how revolting the burger looks, i actually wouldn't mind wrapping my lips around that thing right now.  No, I feel a little sick b/c I know some where in my stomach I am processing one of these monsters.  Why?  Because I fell down last night.  I have to be honest don't I?  It wasn't only this one value meal either.  Why did I have to write that line about being honest? I have to come clean, last night was a stress induced binge there is no way around that.  I added two double cheese burgers and another large fry on top of it.  Is it any wonder I have a case of the rumbly tummy?  

Here is the thing.  When I left the office, I knew I hadn't eaten dinner, but I wasn't hungry.  Yes, I left late.  It was sometime after nine and I swear up and down I wasn't hungry.  I was stressed though.  Late night, last minute items will do that to the best of us.  Then I had to endure the drive.  While, I had some Stephen King playing, the entire ride home I felt the burning anger the situation coming all around me.  I felt the feeling of not having my ducks in a row.  I thought about all the shit to come.  All the shit not done.  It washed over me and somewhere on that ride home, hungry or not, I knew I was going to use.  

I keep telling myself we all have slip ups and this was my first in about a week and that I have to accept it and move on.  That shaming myself will not change things.  That I need to find another outlet for this shit.  Even if it means screaming fuck at the top of my lungs the entire ride home.  Or walking before I leave the office. Or getting the journal out that I have in my bag and writing in it.  

I want to punch kick scream and hit.  I am angry with myself. I leave for Indiana in 22 days I was going to be 30 lbs lighter for that trip.  Up till last night there had been no binges for the last week and a half.  I was eating pretty clean and only from the list.  I made plans for what I could eat in Indiana.  I even called my mom when I remembered I could eat the breakfast casserole.  I was attacking this with a renewed sense of self and purpose.  Does last night completely fuck me?  

I think the answer is only if I let it.  I need to bring extra meals to work and eat those if I am going to be here late, even if I am not planning on being here late.  If I have food here hungry or not I need to eat and close it off.  I have to stop letting my anger and rage and stress get the best of me.  I will hold long palaver on this with Sue tomorrow.  I am going to roll up my sleeves and just go head first back into the fight.  That is what I have to do.  I have to get moving. 

The trigger last night was work.  The trigger some times is being lonely.  Some times it is being tired, angry, frustrated, etc... however, life is triggers.  you can't hide from that.  You have to learn to deal with it.  I have so many friends I could have reached out too and I didn't.  I thought I was in control, but I was not :(  I have to realize that part of knowing I have a problem is knowing that history says in situations like last that says don't go home without eating after 9 p.m. without a plan.  Without dealing with the stress, anger, and rage.  

I have to work hard on getting in front of these.  I also have to get back to my morning affirmations.  i love sports radio though so it makes it hard not wanting to listen to it instead of positive messages going forward.

I also have to look at how far I have come on that front.  I am much more positive person now than I have ever been.  I have to keep working at it.  I have to keep working to get my head straight.  To have the life I want.  That is what matters. Last nights are gone.  Can't change those, but I can still work really hard to change my life and my today.