From Let to Right: Archie Manning, Mom Carol, Doc
Book of 2016
- Page 60 -
I didn't cry this weekend. I thought I would, but I didn't. There is enough sickness running its way through 7825 South Sycamore Knolls, that I feel like I should have, I thought those tears would have been justified. I didn't cry though. More or less, I just felt sick to my stomach all day Friday and all weekend long. It was more of a sickness from the mind rather than my normal bloated sickness from all of crap I see to force feed myself.
It is hard for me to write this. I don't want to regress all the positive things I have done for my mind lately. I don't want to sit here and talk about the bad. I want to focus on the light. I also know that sooner or later, even focusing on only the good won't change the facts and it won't erase the fact that a beautiful day without any sort of drama is rare. Also, no matter how good Ia m starting to feel about myself won't change certain facts. They are not mine to change.
So I think on Friday I teetered between a realm of focusing on moving forward, and tried to close out the news, I got Friday morning. If I just keep focusing on the good, then maybe the bad isn't really there. However, you can't run from it. You can't just set it aside and act like it isn't there. You have to accept the bad with the good. You don't have to be happy about all aspects of your life, but you do have to accept them.
I know what I have to accept. First, I am a food junky, nothing new there. I try to mask my pain and suffering, and low self esteem in eating. I am so afraid that the world is going to forget me, or i will get lost in the shuffle or some one is going to take me that I just keep getting bigger and bigger. It's a pretty low point of esteem when you think the only thing about you worth anything is the fat you hide behind.
Second, I know I have to accept, that even with my warts, being over weight, low self esteem, etc.. that I am still a wonderful person. That there is so much more to me than that fat, I just talked about. That I am smart, funny, creative, good at my job, and important to a lot of people. I have to stop looking thru eyes that are focused on what is wrong with the world, instead of the eyes of my true heart which wants to see the good in everything.
Third, I have to accept that even with focusing on the good, life happens, and it is out of your control. You can't punish yourself for it. You can't hold yourself back from it. You can't put your life on hold and hope that others will find there way, when you can't find your own. So, basically what I am saying is accept the good with the bad. That includes the bad parts of you. Thoughts like pushing some one off a cliff or stabbing them in the neck with a pencil. Seeing an old man who is sitting in a chair, reaching out to you. His skin is so drawn in and taught. There are soars around his mouth and he has wisps of while silk hair around his head. He is smiling at you thru a toothless grin. there is a needle pumping his body full of poison as he wriggles and reaches for you in his gold sweat suit. So on and so forth, and all these things are just part of a mind that works to hard and sees to much. Just like the depression, the anger, the rage, all of these things make me, well me, and I have to accept those. I accept the good with the bad, so ultimately, I can really appreciate the good, and focus on making my life the happy, healthy, life I want.
Forth, I have to accept that there is no more time for excuses. I have come up with every reason in the world as to why I have not lost the weight I need to loose. Food Addict. Wrong Diet. To busy at work. Stressed about work. To many staff to worry about. Not enough staff to worry about. The list goes on and on. Wasn't the right time. I didn't believe in what I was doing. On and on, on and on, so on and so forth. Excuse-itus will get me no wear. I have used them all. The one i like the best is well tomorrow we will start. Tomorrow. What is it that my dad used to say to me when I always tried to put things off in the garden or washing the cars off till the next, never put off what can be done today until tomorrow. Well, I have been putting off facing my weight issues, and general health for everyday since I was 21. No more time for that. It is time to move on. It is time to stop making excuses and start living my life.
Fifth, I need to realize even with all the negative thoughts I can produce. All the traps I can put myself in. The Black Dread that floats around me. That even with all the bad thoughts. I am a GOOD Person. Good things deserve to happen to me. I am probably one of the most self aware people you will ever meet. I know myself very well. I have to see and believe I am good and I am worth it and I do deserve a happy and healthy life.
Sixth, well I am sure there is a lot of stuff I can add here, but I will say for now sixth and finally, what I have to accept is after 7 biopsies, and countless trips to the hospital and doctors, Thursday night the DOC, Frog Bobber, Doc Hopper, the old man, but always Dad at the age of 84 was given a diagnosis of cancer (this coming two months after being told it was not cancer). I have to accept this as much as I want to keep running from it, eating thru it, and ignoring my own health and my own humanity. It is a slow growing cancer. It is treatable. However, due to where it is at, he will have to get the chemo, radiation, and surgery are not options, I guess that is b/c it is in the liver duct? I am guessing, I don't know. What I do know, is I talked to him this morning for the first time since I found out. I talked to him and my god he sounded great! He was so positive and full of life, just like he always has been. My Dad in a lot of ways has had a Rock Star Life. He has done it way. Good family and raised good kids. I mean as rotten as we all can be, I think we turned out pretty damn good =) Fast cars! Nice house! You get the picture. I am sure he is scared, we all are, but I go back to his positive attitude and his spirit that he wants to fight it, and he is a strong man. I think we have a good shot of beating it or at least giving it a run for it money. I have to accept that I can't change the outcomes. I can't make him well, I can't make him sick. All, I can do is keep loving him, and wishing him good positive thoughts and energy, and that is exactly what I will do. My dad has a lot of warts, my family does too, I have more than most myself (however, that is the thing about people and life, we all have warts, some just hide them a little better than others, but they are there each and everyone of us has them), but end of the day that isn't what we have to deal with right now, we have to deal with getting him back in good health. The only thing that matters right now is supporting him and getting him healthy again, because warts and all, he is still my Dad, and I still love him with all my heart, and I think with the right food, attitude, and strength we might just lick this son of a bitch that is cancer. God I fucking hate cancer.
So, perhaps eventually the tears will catch up with me. Right now they don't matter, not really. What matters is accepting what you can and can't change. What matters is living my life for me and being supportive to those that I love. As for the things I can't change, you just have to look at them and smirk and repeat to yourself "Not my circus, not my monkeys!" Deep breath. "Not my circus, not my monkeys!" Deep breath "Not my circus, not my monkeys!"
Focus on what you can do. Focus on the changes you need to make and can make. It is never to late to start the first day of the rest of your life. I accept myself unconditionally right now!
For the first time in the last two weeks, I really see a positive mental attitude starting to shine through. I will do this. For me. Not to get laid, to find love, for my family, for money, so on and so forth, but because it is what I want. I choose a healthy and happy life!
And the Tower is Closer...
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