Page 60

From Let to Right: Archie Manning, Mom Carol, Doc

 

Book of 2016

- Page 60 - 

I didn't cry this weekend.  I thought I would, but I didn't.  There is enough sickness running its way through 7825 South Sycamore Knolls, that I feel like I should have, I thought those tears would have been justified.  I didn't cry though.  More or less, I just felt sick to my stomach all day Friday and all weekend long.  It was more of a sickness from the mind rather than my normal bloated sickness from all of crap I see to force feed myself.  

It is hard for me to write this.  I don't want to regress all the positive things I have done for my mind lately.  I don't want to sit here and talk about the bad.  I want to focus on the light.  I also know that sooner or later, even focusing on only the good won't change the facts and it won't erase the fact that a beautiful day without any sort of drama is rare.  Also, no matter how good Ia m starting to feel about myself won't change certain facts.  They are not mine to change.  

So I think on Friday I teetered between a realm of focusing on moving forward, and tried to close out the news, I got Friday morning.  If I just keep focusing on the good, then maybe the bad isn't really there.  However, you can't run from it.  You can't just set it aside and act like it isn't there.  You have to accept the bad with the good.  You don't have to be happy about all aspects of your life, but you do have to accept them.

I know what I have to accept.  First, I am a food junky, nothing new there.  I try to mask my pain and suffering, and low self esteem in eating.  I am so afraid that the world is going to forget me, or i will get lost in the shuffle or some one is going to take me that I just keep getting bigger and bigger.  It's a pretty low point of esteem when you think the only thing about you worth anything is the fat you hide behind.  

Second, I know I have to accept, that even with my warts, being over weight, low self esteem, etc.. that I am still a wonderful person.  That there is so much more to me than that fat, I just talked about.  That I am smart, funny, creative, good at my job, and important to a lot of people.  I have to stop looking thru eyes that are focused on what is wrong with the world, instead of the eyes of my true heart which wants to see the good in everything. 

Third, I have to accept that even with focusing on the good, life happens, and it is out of your control.  You can't punish yourself for it.  You can't hold yourself back from it.  You can't put your life on hold and hope that others will find there way, when you can't find your own.  So, basically what I am saying is accept the good with the bad.  That includes the bad parts of you.  Thoughts like pushing some one off a cliff or stabbing them in the neck with a pencil.  Seeing an old man who is sitting in a chair, reaching out to you.  His skin is so drawn in and taught.  There are soars around his mouth and he has wisps of while silk hair around his head.  He is smiling at you thru a toothless grin.  there is a needle pumping his body full of poison as he wriggles and reaches for you in his gold sweat suit.  So on and so forth, and all these things are just part of a mind that works to hard and sees to much.  Just like the depression, the anger, the rage, all of these things make me, well me, and I have to accept those.  I accept the good with the bad, so ultimately, I can really appreciate the good, and focus on making my life the happy, healthy, life I want. 

Forth, I have to accept that there is no more time for excuses.  I have come up with every reason in the world as to why I have not lost the weight I need to loose.  Food Addict.  Wrong Diet.  To busy at work.  Stressed about work.  To many staff to worry about.  Not enough staff to worry about.  The list goes on and on.  Wasn't the right time.  I didn't believe in what I was doing.  On and on, on and on, so on and so forth.   Excuse-itus will get me no wear.  I have used them all.  The one i like the best is well tomorrow we will start.  Tomorrow.  What is it that my dad used to say to me when I always tried to put things off in the garden or washing the cars off till the next, never put off what can be done today until tomorrow.  Well, I have been putting off facing my weight issues, and general health for everyday since I was 21.  No more time for that.  It is time to move on.  It is time to stop making excuses and start living my life. 

Fifth, I need to realize even with all the negative thoughts I can produce.  All the traps I can put myself in.  The Black Dread that floats around me.  That even with all the bad thoughts.  I am a GOOD Person.  Good things deserve to happen to me.  I am probably one of the most self aware people you will ever meet. I know myself very well.  I have to see and believe I am good and I am worth it and I do deserve a happy and healthy life.

Sixth, well I am sure there is a lot of stuff I can add here, but I will say for now sixth and finally, what I have to accept is after 7 biopsies, and countless trips to the hospital and doctors, Thursday night the DOC, Frog Bobber, Doc Hopper, the old man, but always Dad at the age of 84 was given a diagnosis of cancer (this coming two months after being told it was not cancer).  I have to accept this as much as I want to keep running from it, eating thru it, and ignoring my own health and my own humanity.  It is a slow growing cancer.  It is treatable.  However, due to where it is at, he will have to get the chemo, radiation, and surgery are not options, I guess that is b/c it is in the liver duct?  I am guessing, I don't know.  What I do know, is I talked to him this morning for the first time since I found out.  I talked to him and my god he sounded great!  He was so positive and full of life, just like he always has been.  My Dad in a lot of ways has had a Rock Star Life.  He has done it way.  Good family and raised good kids.  I mean as rotten as we all can be, I think we turned out pretty damn good =) Fast cars!  Nice house!  You get the picture.  I am sure he is scared, we all are, but I go back to his positive attitude and his spirit that he wants to fight it, and he is a strong man.  I think we have a good shot of beating it or at least giving it a run for it money.  I have to accept that I can't change the outcomes.  I can't make him well, I can't make him sick.  All, I can do is keep loving him, and wishing him good positive thoughts and energy, and that is exactly what I will do.  My dad has a lot of warts, my family does too, I have more than most myself (however, that is the thing about people and life, we all have warts, some just hide them a little better than others, but they are there each and everyone of us has them), but end of the day that isn't what we have to deal with right now, we have to deal with getting him back in good health.  The only thing that matters right now is supporting him and getting him healthy again, because warts and all, he is still my Dad, and I still love him with all my heart, and I think with the right food, attitude, and strength we might just lick this son of a bitch that is cancer.  God I fucking hate cancer.  

So, perhaps eventually the tears will catch up with me.  Right now they don't matter, not really.  What matters is accepting what you can and can't change.  What matters is living my life for me and being supportive to those that I love. As for the things I can't change, you just have to look at them and smirk and repeat to yourself "Not my circus, not my monkeys!"  Deep breath.  "Not my circus, not my monkeys!"  Deep breath "Not my circus, not my monkeys!"

Focus on what you can do.  Focus on the changes you need to make and can make.  It is never to late to start the first day of the rest of your life.  I accept myself unconditionally right now!

For the first time in the last two weeks, I really see a positive mental attitude starting to shine through.  I will do this.  For me.  Not to get laid, to find love, for my family, for money, so on and so forth, but because it is what I want.  I choose a healthy and happy life! 

And the Tower is Closer...

  

 

Page 59

Book of 2016

-Page 59-

Weekends go to fast!  I walked and cooked this weekend.  Also got a Star Wars running hat!  How cool is that?  I'm tired and going to bed!  Happy Subday night!

Page 58

Book of 2016

- Page 58 -

Brent's Tale Continued from Page 43:

Vicky folded the note; she had never read anything so sweet.  She was so happy she could not concentrate on class.  She did not lose her best friend.  He loved her and did care and accepted that one night she got drunk and made a mistake.  

She was really happy with everything in the note, but there was the issue of Brent asking her out.  She loved Brent to death and cherished their friendship; did she really want to risk that?  They had such fun together maybe it would work, but what if it did not?  She was very confused.  

She wrote Brent back and told him that she thought he was the nicest guy in the world.  That she cherished their friendship and that she too loved him.  She however could not date him; this was because she would not risk losing her best friend.  They could be happy as friends and why mess that up?  

Brent was heart broken but he was also determined.  He would not give up without a fight.  He still called her and wrote her and they would laugh and have good times.  They were back to as they were before the big scare.  Although Brent would always let her know what a mistake she was making by not going out with him.  

It was almost a month after the big scare on Vicky and Brent's friendship.  It was mid-December and Brent was on his way to school.  He asked his mom to stop at a gas station so he could get some chocolate milk and maybe some candy and she did.  

It started off like any other day in Jr. High.  He went to class and then to his locker to remind O'Riley to tell Vicky in fifth hour that he loved her and could not live without her as he had O'Riley tell her everyday.  Then he went the rest of his morning classes.  

At lunch he saw Vicky and went up to her and started talking with her.  They walked out of the cafeteria and into the gym.  The walked around the basketball courts to the wrestling mats and sat down.  

"So when is you going to wizen up and goes out with me?"

"I don't know?"

"So what are you doing for Christmas?"

"I really do not have any big plans.  Dad is coming up."  

"Cool, we are going to Jamaica after Christmas Day."

"Oh yea, that will be so much fun."  

"Yea I can not wait."  

"Oh by the way this weekend."  She said.

Brent was stumped; this weekend what did she mean?  "What?"

"This weekend is when I am going to wizen up and go out with you!"

"You joking right?"

"No, not at all.  You were right."

Ecstatic does not even begin to describe the joy that Brent felt.  Vicky had just made him the happiest man alive.  He hugged her and told her that she was not making a mistake.

It was Saturday night and Brent was getting ready for his first date with Vicky.   He would take her to a movie and then maybe go hang out with her some where.  He was very excited.  His buddy Justin was over at his place and was also getting ready to go out.  He was taking one of Vicky's friends out and they were doubling with Vicky and Brent.  

It was 6:30 and Vicky had just gotten home from volleyball practice when she called Brent.

"Hey kid what is going on?"  She asked

"Not to much just waiting for your call."  He was not smooth at all.

"Well I am going to shower and then we will meet you at the mall.  Oh, we are going to see Look Who's Talking Two.  Sound OK."

"Sounds good see ya soon."

Brent mother dropped of Brent and Justin and she was going to pick them up after the movie.  They walked in the mall and Brent told Justin to follow him.  He led him to the flower shop and purchased a half dozen of roses.  He then split them with Justin.  He said it would make them look sweet and he was right, the flowers put the girls in the palms of their hands for the night.

As Brent walked back towards the place he was supposed to meet Vicky, he started to get a queasy feeling in his stomach.  It felt a lot like gas pains but more intense.  With every step his stomach would quiver.  It was like he was getting ready to get on an airplane not go to a movie with his best friend.  He tried to relax and then ran to the bathroom.  

Brent had to relief himself.  As he sat down his stomach quivered again and this time he was relieved.  He got up and washed his hands.  Then he dried them, but they never quit seemed dry.  As he slipped them into his pockets the just seemed to get wetter and wetter.  

Brent's underarm's also began to sweat.  He could not understand why.  He just kept sweating.  He asked Justin if he looked alight and then they continued towards their destination.  Brent was a nervous wreck.

As Justin and Brent reached their destination Justin tried to converse with Brent.  But no one was home in Brent's house he was quiet as a mouse.  He would just nod his head up and down.  His mind was blank.

"Here they are."  Justin said pointing towards Vicky and her friend.

Brent just shook his head.

Vicky and her friend were walking towards Brent and Justin.  Vicky was stunning.  Her hair was mostly straight with a few curls in the ends and her eyes were beaming.  She was wearing a sweater and a long black trench coat, God, she was sexy, Brent thought to himself.  

"Hey you two."  Vicky said with a smile.

"What's going on?"  Justin said.

"Here."  Brent said handing Vicky her roses.  

"Thank you!"  She replied.

"No problem."  He said quickly.

Vicky could sense his nervousness and thought it was cute.  The four of them walked to the Movie Theater and had laughs the whole way there.  They talked about their days and about the latest gossip in school.  Brent was still a little tense but it was not as noticeable.  

Brent purchased Vicky's ticket when they arrived at the Movie Theater, much to her protest.  He would not take no for an answer.  She finally gave in but stuck five bucks into his jacket pocket after they walked in.  They would laugh back and fourth as they tossed the money between the two of them.  

Inside the theater Brent and Vicky sat on the outside of the row.  It was a big theater and was very busy.  The movie started with Brent clowning through the previews and Vicky laughing at him, until the couple behind them asked Brent to shut up.  

Justin and his date spent the movie as a lot of teenagers did at the movies, making out.  Brent just sat there though and watched the movie.  First, he was not really interested in just getting it on with Vicky, and secondly she was not that type of girl.

Brent fidgeted in his chair from side to side through out most of the movie.  He sat there with his hands in his lap and would make smart comments to Vicky through out the show.  Brent thought he was fine and that he was doing a really good job of covering up his nervousness. 

Vicky saw his nervousness through out and though it was adorable.  She was more interested in Brent than ever and had very strong feelings for him.  He was so cute.  She thought his nervousness was sweet and thought she was lucky to found such a gentle creature.  

Half though the movie Vicky grabbed Brent's arm and put it around her shoulders.  Brent was very relieved she did this because he had wanted to do it all night but could never quit make the move.  They cuddle there in theater for the rest of the movie.  Brent even grabbed Vicky's hand and held it.  They were both very happy.

As they walked out of the movie together Brent noticed that Vicky was still holding on to him and for the moment he really was a happy kid.  Brent mother pulled up and the kids all got in the van.  Vicky and Brent sitting in the seat furthest back in the van.  Justin and his date sat directly behind Brent's mom and told her how to get to Vicky's.

They were pulling out of the theater and heading south towards home. When Vicky began to speak.  "I am cold."  She said very sweetly.

Brent replied "I will keep you warm."  He thought he was being very sweet and rapped his arms around Vicky.  She also thought his gesture was very sweet.  

"So you want to something again soon?"  Brent asked, taking Vicky's hand in his.

"Yea, I would really like that!"  She replied rubbing his hand.  

Brent was really at a loss for words.  He wanted to say the right thing, the cool thing, but nothing was there.  Damn it almost to Vicky's house.  

"Umm."  He mumbled all choked up.

"Yea." 

He had nothing to say, so he leaned over Vicky and kissed her.  It was magical!  It was long and it was slow and it seemed as if it lasted forever.  As they kissed Vicky hand opened and dropped the flowers Brent had given her.  He pulled back and looked into her eyes.  Then she leaned back into him and kissed him back, again it was long and wet and magical.  When they pulled away from each other they both began to laugh because Brent's mother had missed her house.  They apologized to his mom and got turned around and headed for her house.  

"Call Me!"  She said and then kissed Brent on the lips, one last time.  She got out of the car thanking Brent's mom.  Brent watched her run to the door, and smiled.  Everything was perfect, then he looked at the floor and saw Vicky flowers, they were on the ground and they had been smashed.  He looked back up, he was happy, but there was now doubt.  Why would she leave the flowers?

Page 57

Book of 2016

-Page 57-

Dinner with the wives!  Came to Morgan Hill to have Birthday dinner for Dorothy!  It was only two months late, but it's all good!  

Nice dinner at the Hunington Station.  

Today was a rough day, but we made it thru.  Not gonna go into it right now, but so happy today is over!  Having a lovely dinner with Wife #1 and Wife #2!  

This weekend is a lot of planning and preparing.  Going off the sugar again until end of March.  I have my friends helping me out and I'm gonna do this! Until then:

Page 56

Book of 2016

-Page 56-

Went to happy hour after work today.  It was fun.  It was us and the auditors.  I'm tired now.  It's time to start planning how I'm gonna take control of my life.  I think about it tomorrow bc now I have to sleep bc I'm tired.  Today was a good day.  Tomorrow is gonna be better!!

Page 55

Book of 2016

- Page 55 - 

Today's blog is picture day part 2, the Company addition!  Some are really pretty pictures and some are well, not so much especially the mug shot of me directly below!!  I hope you enjoy these as much I enjoyed my time there, but I don't think that is going to happen =)  I really miss Kaua'i.  I really love island life!