The power of words...

2/4/2015

Bill why do you have blog call the Power of words and then a picture of a chimpanzee swimming?  Well that is a question I can answer!  I typed in pics of swimming today while I was thinking of what picture I wanted to attach to my blog. I always feel like a picture is a good lead in.  Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't, I can't really say.  However, as I was scrolling through that picture just felt right.   Although, I do believe I have a doppelganger out their, only he kept the old hair cut!

Don't ask my why that came in swimming pictures but it did and well, it was like looking into a mirror ;-)  I have to laugh... its that and cooking the only time I don't think right now and I definitely need to give my brain some time off right now.  Which brings me back to the point of this blow.

I think the point is that even when things get dark, sometimes all it takes is a few kind words to pick you back up, and make your day, even when those words are from a complete stranger, someone you have never met and may ever meet again.  Look, I have so much shit going on in my head right now, anxiety being the chief issue.  I know why I am anxious.  I am scared shitless about not taking care of myself for so long.  I am reaping the rewards of an obdurate existence where I refused to believe, I couldn't reach my goals eating Fast Food, Pizza, and pretty much whatever the fuck I wanted to eat.  I sit at work and when I am busy, I am fine, but when I am not, I am a fucking wreck.  Sitting wondering if I am going out of rhythm. Wondering if the pain in shoulder is from sleeping wrong or if it is a heart attack lurking.  The brain is a powerful thing.  The mind is a powerful thing.  The prisons you can build in the mind.

So, I laugh, when I laugh, I don't think, when I don't think I feel fine.  Also, when I cook, I feel pretty damn good.  I cam home from the therapist and doctor tonight and I cranked this thing out.

Maybe the almond cheese isn't 100% paleo but it is pretty damn close and the almond cheese I got at whole foods, is better than my cashew cheese.

However, we are way of tangent here... The point of this today after falling to pieces in the cardiologist office, I got a huge pick from some place I never expected it to come from.  That is the funny thing about life and living it, some of the damnedest thing surprise you and make you smile.

I went back and saw an old friend after the cardiologist.  I was supposed to go home and work but I figured I need to see this friend more than I needed to work. Sometimes, that is all we can do is lean on the ones that are always there for us and love us.  I returned to that which we all came the water and my favorite place, the pool!

Yes it is true, after about four months away, I went back to the pool.  I went because I know I could swim. I knew according to my cardiologist that I was healthy enough to swim, and because I needed it.  I need to go back to the once place where I always felt the best.  The once place, I was the dominant species.  Where I was the BLACKFISH.  Getting back into the water in and of it self was super refreshing.  I forgot how much I loved the water.  I might be clumsy and awkward on land, but in the water, I am awesome, fast, and dare I say we bit graceful.  Or at least in my own mind I was.

So, I started to swim. I started the swim like I start ever swim anymore, with 100 Boob stroke.  It felt, well it felt good.  Sure my chest was a little tight.  Sure, I felt a little off center.  Sure, I felt my form had slipped, then again, I hadn't been swimming had I?

100 boob turned into turn hundred good and after 30 seconds rest. I was amazed at how easy I just got back into routine.  Then it was time to crank out my first free style set.  However, I noticed in the lane next to me this guy was getting in the pool.  I am not one who normally checks out dudes around the pool, but I couldn't help but notice this guy was jacked.  Not only that but he rolled to the pool shirt off, spandex shorts, and a pull buoy and goggles and of course chin pubes. He had swagger.  He was cut.

I instantly felt self conscious.  I roll to the pool in swim trunks.  I always were my t-shirt to the edge of the pool and I have no swagger.  Not in a gym.  Not at a pool and not with my top off.

I however kept going. I kept going because what else could I do.  Get out b/c this buff dude go in the lane next to me.  I never watched the guy swim.  What I do know is he was fast.  Faster than me, a lot faster.  I counted down the days till another 100 pounds came off and then we would see who rocks the pool.

So my two hundred became there hundred.  My three hundred became four hundred.  My four hundred became five, and then six, seven and finally, I got to my last set, which was for the 800 and the set that would take me over 30 minutes.  Although, I couldn't remember if I had missed to laps of boob or not, so I was going to do an extra 50 of boob just to be safe.

so, I start my 8th 100 and doing freestyle.  I swim down and turn, I am cranking away and I hit the wall and I have a good turn, about as good as I can hope for and I push off and decided to kick a little ass and push this one, not go all out but go harder than I had been going.

So I go, and I glide, and I pull, and rotate, and kick and pull.  I am all blackfising it up and I felt good. I turn and say fuck it, I Am going again and I push, not as hard as I could push, but good enough and I felt good.  Man, I forgot any pain in my chest, and pain in my shoulder, left arm.  I was calm and awesome at the same time.  I turn another good one and I just stroke back and I rotate stroke, pull, and glide.  I touch the wall.  I pop my goggles off and I lookout the clock to get a 20 second rest and that is when I heard something from my left.

It was buff swimmer saying something to me.  So I pulled out my ear plug and said excuse me?  And he spoke "Man you have one great stroke, you just, just GLIDE!" and I said "Who?" and he said you "You" and I was "oh thanks" and sort of shrunk into my lane.  He took off for another set and so did I,  my last 50 of boob and I don't remember smiling that big in a  long long time.  I am not sure why, it meant so much to me, but it did.  A complement from a man I was in aw of.  from a stranger who from an outward appearance had everything I wanted.  I just kept smiling.  "you just, just GLIDE!" I needed that.  I needed after sitting in the cardiologist and seeing all the blue hairs. I needed that when I was feeling so low about myself.  I needed to know that I was awesome in the water, just as I always remembered feeling and being told.  I got out after my set and  I smiled.  I smiled ear to ear, I looked at the guy and I smiled at him, he just looked at me, and then went back to swimming.

I was on top of the world when I left the gym, when I went to the car, I picked up the phone and texted Rachel back and told her what the dude had said to me and I smiled.  I told my therapist that story when I saw her.  I will probably tell everyone who will listen at work.

Words they have power.  Compliments have power... you never know what another person is going through.  You know know where there head is at, and if you have something nice to say to them, then say it, who knows it just might make the sun come out for them on a dark day!

Blackfish is back, and now he is out!