Matters of the Heart V: Anxiety or AFIB or…
It usually when I walk and when I drive home my heart ramps
up and pounds. Then it sets in at the top
of my right breast, just a feeling. I am
not sure what it is. I can’t call it
pain. I can’t call it pressure. I can just
call it a feeling. The problem is when I
think about it, it gets worse and worse.
And no matter how many times I take my pulse or check my blood pressure
I still think it is all she wrote for the kid.
And it is that which lead me back to the Cardiologist today.
I am 39; I and I have been to the cardiologist four times
since Mid-December. However, today if
the first time I really stopped and looked around the full office. I felt more like I was the early bird special
than in a doctor’s office. I mean it was
me and 8 senior citizens. I am not
trying to be mean. I am not trying to be
a jerk. I am just being honest. Everyone there was over 65, everyone. Ok, maybe not 100% true, the office staff was
young. Also, there was one daughter
there with her Mom. Then there was
me.
I am not sure which I was saturated with more at that time:
Self Pity or Anger. I can’t help to feel
a little bit of both. For the first time
in my life I am trying really hard to make good decisions around my health, and
no matter what I seem to do, I keep ending up at the Cardiologist with pain my
chest and a heart that beats out of rhythm.
Poor me the 39 year old who fucked up his heart and has a constant worry
about strokes and heart attacks.
Then the anger comes.
I get mad at myself for what I let myself become. How fat I let myself get. How unhealthy I got. How I could have stuck with this diet, or did
better training. What if I had just stuck
to weight watchers? What if I had never
stopped training for Tri’s? What if,
what if, what if…. The jaw starts to
lock up; the left leg starts to pump.
The mind becomes a waste land of self-pity, doubt, fear, and mostly
hate. Hating myself for the failure of
realizing my body was a temple. I get one while I am stuck in this plane of existence
and I fucked mine up.
I sit there realizing that I have put this appointment off
for three weeks not because I was busy or didn’t want to be bothered but because
I was terrified. I was scared thinking
just what in the fuck could be wrong with me now. I am I having congestive heart failure. I mean technically I am having all the symptoms,
aren’t I? Tightness in chest, check,
because after all there is the lump feeling in the back of my throat, and there
is the tightness sitting on top of my right breast, almost up at the
shoulder. I have frequent
urination. I have high blood
pressure. I go into AFIB. I… I…
I am sitting in the chair thinking all this stuff looking
around at all the blue hairs. That is
when the feeling in my left bicep starts.
Is it tightness? Oh my god it is
tightness. I have tightness in my left
arm. Is it spreading to my chest? I think it spreading to my chest… Why am I so
tight in my chest? Just what in the fuck
is wrong with me, I, I, I am about ready to hit the panic button when the technician
calls my name.
The walk back to the room is a longest short walk I have
ever had. Trying to convenience myself I
am just freaking out. That everything is
going to be ok. I tell the technician
that I am mainly getting AFIB symptoms when I walk. However, right now I have
tightness thru my entire chest; I tell her I am so fucking anxious I can’t see
straight. She tells me to lie down and
relax. I do as she says. I think I tell her everything I need to, I
can’t remember it is really all a blur.
I lay there and calm myself. I try to go away and think of other
things. Her smile. Shiner.
The sunset and rise in Hawaii.
Being surrounded with water and gliding through it. I try and find my calm center. I try, but it
hard because you know; you just know that you are going to die from some heart related
issue. After all haven’t I been dying
from the same heart attack since I was 18?
She finishes. She
takes the tabs off one at a time. She apologizes;
however, before you realize what she is apologizing for she is ripping the tab
off your chest, and taking some chest pubs with her. There is always one of two chest tabs that do
that. That hurts worse than the
other. You know this because you have
had 6 EKG’s in the last four weeks. It
is becoming clock work. She says she
will be right back, she is going to show the dr the results.
You ask her before she goes if you can have your BP
checked. She asked if there was something
wrong, and I say, I just want to know. I
mean had she not heard my list of other complaints? God, I hope she registered them all, but I
repeat that it is just the heart pounding during walking; I can’t express that
one enough.
She goes, she comes back.
She tells you that you can go because everything is in normal sinus rhythm. You are not sure if you should feel stupid or
happy. You ask her again to take your
BP, she agrees. 153/92, she says that is
where you said it had been running, I say yes.
She says everything seems fine.
You pull your shirt back and stand up.
You thank her and are shown the door.
You walk out. You text your
sister and the Beav and give them the news, b/c you need them to tell you that
you are ok.
Apparently, things are good, but how come you don’t feel in
any better. You fight off the bitter
feelings. It is hard but you do. You keep asking yourself did you tell them
everything. You try to find comfort in
the fact the doctor didn’t even want to see you. You try.
You need a pick me up… would one come?
Ya it would, but… I have to have something to write about tomorrow,
so I will end it here saying this…
I still have a long hard road ahead of myself and though my
progress has been good, it is far from where I need to go. So, I will keep moving forward. I will try to find my calm center and feel
good about myself. I will work on my
anxiety with Dr. Sue.
You just keeping moving forward, because there is nothing
you can do about the past. The past is
the past, and what is dead should remain dead.
It all happens for a reason, this is my path, my Ka, my journey. It isn’t the only way, but it is mine, and I
have to deal with this for some reason, so, I will. Because that is what I do, I keep on keeping
on. I will find my tower. I will…
No comments:
Post a Comment