Text conversation on way home:
A: how was your swim?
Billy b: Angry ... But good... My free is back
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I should no better than to check my email when I get to the pool. I should know but I don't. It's 7:00 and you battled the whole way with yourself if you should go or not. You had every excuse not too... Your cold .. All day long you've been cold to your core sleeping with the door open in 40 degree weather isn't smart but your not a dog owner your just doing the best you can for the puppy... Oh the puppy one more day of do sitting and gulp you can't imagine leaving the dog home alone for another three hours . Plus your cold. You don't want to get sick. What if the dog gets sick.. Don't go to the pool tonight you can make it up later. However you fight the voices and tell them no.. You have to go swim it's what you do. You tell yourself just go down town for cocktails ... Like A said its to cold for the pool. You look at the thermometer in the car and it's now 46 degrees. But you ignore it . It doesn't matter, you need to swim. It's the only thing that is consistent in your life. You take down swim goals and laps like a short order cook flips flap jacks. It's what you do. Then you look at your emails and... Well... Isn't there always something... You get annoyed again. You've been a annoyed all day. Fucking people and their lack of charge space etiquette. You spend so much time worrying about getting a charge. Then you get a spot and some other car not in a charging spot is using the space.. That annoys you. Other shit is on your mind and damn it their is always something in your email. Your frustrated. You think fuck lets just go home. Lets not do this. Dominos can be here in a half hour. Look at your self in the mirror and you say you've fallen this week. You've made bad choices a few times. But your swimming and you tell yourself no one should be proud because "everything's the same". It always is. You deserve no praise. You haven't changed or grown you never do. You pull yourself out of the car. You don't want to go in, but you don't want to stop either. Your plain mad now. Your not gonna have a good week at the scale and they'll say oh it's thanksgiving and you'll be like ya, but you know your not logging. You know your being emotional. You know you have to much on your mind and "everything's the same". You change cloths. You walk outside in your suite and towel in hand. It's 40 degrees and your in shorts and a towel. you don't care you have 2700 meters to swim. You jump in and the water isn't hot but it's warm. It will do. You go to your lane. You pull up the routine and your wish you weren't angry. You wish you where perfect. You wish you weren't frustrated. You are. You think about her. You smile. But it's fleeting the anger is still real. You swim and you swim angry. Your 400 warm up breaststroke free style mix goes good and you notice your free style is strong. Real strong. But your kind goes adrift and the anger comes back. You do your 500 pull/kick breast, then your two hundred breast. Your angry, there is no serenity tonight. You didn't track this week. Your fucked and your running out of time. You posted goals and everything is the same. Nothing has changed. You will fail you always do. 500 pull split kick freestyle and your getting fatigued, just get out.. go home. See the puppy. Your two hundred free is outstanding. You are swimming strong. Breadth every 4 strokes and it's crisp and good... Your still angry but you do it... You try to let it go but you know you didn't hold up your end. Something don't change. Something's you can't let go . Everything's the same. You swim angry because it's what you do. 5 x 100 im w 15 seconds rest are next. You don't fly so you substitute breast and ... The first two are good... You swim strong. The third is better and when you turn into the last twenty five the freestyle you take off like a rocket and your half way across the pool before you breath and then you keep going you swim so hard you give it everything all your anger, your love, your hate.. And you move and you know at that moment unlike every other one you are beautiful. Truly beautiful. And your fast and working hard and you hit the wall and you stand up and your breathing heavy so heavy and the energy surges thru your entire body and it's almost to much you punch the water wth you left fist and you almost fall over because the energy is to great and not only for only a moment are you beautiful but your alive. Truly alive! And it's awesome. The nxt two 100's are good but not as good but you know your freestyle is back and it's good and strong. And of everything is the same so be it... You do your cool down... Back , breast , free and you love it... Your not as angry it's going away. It's out of reach now.. Bc your were beautiful for one moment. Your were alive and fuck everything else. Your putting you gear into a mesh bag when your here a tennis player say oh it not that cold at the same time you pick up your kick board and it's has ice on it... You swam.. You. Did it! Your on the path of the beam...
And the tower is closer....
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