42 mintues till boarding

I hate SJC.  I have hated since the great billings fuck-up of Q1-13.... I will never forget how I felt that morning.  That is a long time in the past though.   A different life a different man.  I mean that too.  A different man.  I was thinking on this a lot as I am sitting here watching the masses hustle through the security check, waiting for my flight to PHX to board.  I watch htem be hurding through the line like lambs to a slatter.  I realize I don't want to travel today.  Not because I don't want to see my family but because jesus christ it is just hard for a dude my size to travel.  enough said.  Everything is hard.  Planes, trains, or automobiles it is all hard.  When did I become this mass of man that can barely fit into an airplane seat. I don't know and I don't think it really matters.  What matters is what is the honest answer ot the following question.  Have we made progress?  Are we on the path of the beam.  Are we heading to the foot of the Tower?

i think it is hard for anyone to say that I am the same person I was when I set out in September with the goal of saving my life. I think it is hard to argue that swimming hasn't take a residence in my life that walking, working out, or tri's never did.  So I think we definately have that in our favor. 

I think the pure and simple honesty i have had in these blogs and others have also shown how much I have changed.  I am not the same man who started 2013.  I am not the same man who sat in this airport in May expecting  to be fired for an issue who wasn't his but none the less always feels like his head is on the chopping block. 

Then why do I always get stuck with one thought in my head... "Everything the Same"

I know the answer.  Its because my body isn't chaning fast enough.  its becaue I still make bad choices.   I don't have focus and discipline when it comes to my food.  Although I am not eating terrible, I am not eating good.  So, no matter how hard I push in the pool and I am pushing.  Two swims this week, when I was sick and I was in the pool for two hours and for 6,050 meters.  Don't tell me I am not pushing.   however, you can't push for two hours and then not have good discipline in your eating and hope for the best at the scales.  you can't snakck all day on holiday snacks and hope that they aren't going to hit your waste-line.  you can't hope.  that is the thing.  you have to work at it.   you have to fight.  you hae to be willing to go to bed hungry or not feel stuffed.  That is a commitment I have not been willing to make. 

I think part of it is I am resigned to the fact, that like my mother before me, I am destine to get the Gastric Bypass.  I have hid from it for year.  however, I think in the back of my mind I have always seen as the only way this will ever happen.  which in my mind, means one thing and one thing only failure.  I am destined to fail.  I am destine to cheat and take the only wait out I can because i can't stop eating.

it annoys me.  i am annoyed and my computer is dying.  so this rant will have to continue at another time....

22/minutes till boarding...

My computer is dead... This has to finish on the iPhone.  

I should probably find my gate

19 minutes till boarding... 

Found gate... Where was I?

Oh yes feeling sorry for my self because I don't have a mind strong enough to push away from the table.  That I continue to make bad choices w food.

You'd think it wouldn't be so fucking hard.  It is though and I hate it.  

That doesn't mean we just give up though.  No it doesn't.  I won't quit.  Not my style.  I'm to dumb and obderant to quit.  So I fight on.    Becuase in the end this is all a mind game.   The powerful wonderful mind and a game I must learn not only to play but also to master.  So, that is my challenge for now learning to take on my mind.