Did I fail?

Did I fail?

Whenever you go off script, whenever you don’t follow through the question will come up “Did I fail?”  I am fighting my sinuses this week.  I really am.  I am one prone to the sinus infection and the post nasal drip.  This isn’t me trying to be funny or disgusting it is fact.  Every year since I was 19 until last year, I have had at least 1, at least 1 sinus infection.   I know the signs and symptoms, and “No” ISON it is not all psychosomatic and just happens when I go to Indiana.  This is what I know for a fact is when I was in the pool on Wednesday, I drank more snot than water.  The nose was a leaking faucet and it funneled into my mouth as I was pushing thru the boob stroking.  I can be sick right now.  I just can’t.  One, I have something planned for this weekend, that I wouldn’t miss out on for the world, and two, I have a fucking goal I have to get too.    Therefore, I refuse to be sick.  It is a state of mind.  However, when your body aches, and in the front of you head feels like there is a weight sitting on your head, the question becomes do you go out and push your body in 40 degree weather.  Or do you rest?  Two days I had swims planned I choose to rest.  Did I fail?  When do you know where the line is?  Between trying to take care of yourself and letting the voice in your head talk you out of working out b/c you just don’t want too. I am convinced that I would have gone last night if I was feeling tip top.  However, I wasn’t, was I?  My co-workers see I am exhausted.  I have pushed so hard.  My shoulders, arms, and legs are still sore.  I know I am pushing and working hard.  However, does the simple fact of the matter that I am sitting here questioning whether or not I was taking an easy way out mean that in fact I did?  Or does it mean that I am not strong enough yet in mind to know the difference between knowing the path and walking it?  I am walking the path.  I think about everything I put into my mouth now.  from coke, to cookie, to whatever I eat.  Every movement I do.  Like walking in building today and buckling my ankle on a rock.  That doesn’t happen when I am rested, it happens when I am fatigued.  Yes, I stepped on a rock and my left ankle crumpled under me.  My ankle is weak… but it weaker when the muscles are sore.   I don’t even know what I am writing anymore.  I guess I am asking for forgiveness or at least understanding as to why I took two days off this week.  I will still meet my goal.