Corn Field Confession: the inappropriate diaries of Billy b and His visits home...
I am going to share something personal here. Maybe to personal. However I can't help it. I haven't been this inspired since, well getting on the plane in Phoenix and when I wanted to beat down a little kid and his hillbilly parents.
However tonight after the Bob Burkle Motors Holliday party, which, I had to leave to early because Ding Burkle (baby brother) was being a complete panty waist and wouldn't partake in beverages. Oh I stayed out to late last night. Oh I suck. I hate having fun w my big brothers. I had an experience that changed my perception of reality as I know it.
Had a blast at brother Bob's party! Shawn ordered me the following drinks in this order. I know who ever counts there drinks is either a college freshman or a total d-bag but in this case, I just have to... We did quite the cycle:
1) Champagne of Beers - that's right the high life
2) MGD
3) Rolling Rock
4) White Russian
5) upside pineapple rum something, it was good
On the way home The Ding and I made a wrong turn and ended up in Greene County Indiana. What the fuck, I didn't even know there was a Greene county. Then back tracked bc my phone was dead and god forbid Ding ask the people in the gas station for directions. So we ended up back instead of at home forty five minutes later, we ended up back in Clay City... We debated the merits of going back to the bar and having another pineapple upside down fruity drink and decided against it. We felt it was time to go home. However little did I know what waited for me there.
We get back to Mom and Dads and surprisingly all three of the nieces at Mimi's house and the one nephew where all still awake. So, being the good uncle I am I laid down with them and had a game of the candy crush. They were wowed by my sick skill for the game and when I dropped ok them I was on level 245 they basically called me king of
Games. Hey I love being a hero to them. As they dozed off, my tummy began to rumble a bit. How could it not you read that drink line-up.
Now please understand I tell this tale not to gross you out but rather to help you appreciate a time in my life I'll never forget.
So last year the Fab Five Burkle sibling got out parents a unique gift. We got them one of those fancy self cleaning, heated and vibrating toilet seats. Ok it doesn't vibrate but it should. It was installed and I never thought about it again. Then... Remember last time I was here the day I was leaving my sister or mom said did you try it? I didn't have a clue what they meant until they reminded me about the seat. Now, why they'd do this the day I was leaving I can't say, but my chance was missed.
So when the rumbles hit today, so did that conversation about the magic toilet seat in the master bath at 7787 Sycamore Knolls Drive! I knew at that moment I had to try this thing. I had to see if all they hype was true.
So... I entered my parent room. Dad was out asleep on the couch. Mom was in Heidi's room with the kids and I crept, yes I crepted in, and surveyed this throne of the gods.
Let me tell you any toilet that has a plug in the wall, a remote control, and a special water line is pretty intimidating. Look I have been nervous to drop a deuce since, well since I can remember. I done my business the world over. You name the place and if I've been there I've probably left a piece or two of me behind. However tonight, I was scared. I actually started to back out of the bathroom and when I did I bumped into the good doctor and I turn and look at my dad and I think he saw the fear in my eyes. Because he'd been there. He knew just how intimidating this thro e could be. Fuck the iron throne, this thing was the real deal! He put his hand on my shoulder and was like go ahead son. Give it a try. I'll leave you be. He stopped on his wait out the door and said, word of advice use the butt warmer, it's a game changer for sure. He shuffled out and back to his chair. I turned back to this, this, this big ass toilet and said ok, it's time to drop the proverbial kids off at the proverbial pool!
I did as the old man had counciled. I turned on the butt warmers. It was a game changer, Especially in Indiana in the winter. I had toasty buns and it freak me out! It was fucking awesome!
I did my business and the it was time for the cleaning and well all I can say is OH MY FUCKING GOD it was fucking amazing. It was like my but hAd its own personal hot tub! The jets, the heaters, the waters, my god, I've never had such an amazing experience in my life. If heaven was on a toilet seat, then heaven might reside in Terre Haute Indiana just outside of Mom and Dads closet and just south of there tub. Seriously I've already email my roommate and told her we are investing in these. It has to be done. It's fucking amazing! Just fucking amazing! My has, my entire ass has never been so happy! The thing does everything for you and you just sit there. Fucking amazing! The only thing I could ask more from it is a good fanning and powdering. Now that would be truly other worldly.
I think sat there for another 20 minutes after I was done just getting my ass hot tubbed! It got to the point where my dad was knocking on the door telling me to stop wasting water and that he had to
Pay the god damned energy bills around here and he'd turn the breaker off if I keep using it. The strange thing is ever since the first use I find myself hanging out in mom and dad room, thinking about maybe going in for another round. I think my dad is talking to my mom about locking me out of there room... That will be a battle if they try that! I don't think I can ever go manual again! I've seen how the others live and I like it! I think Obama should scrap health care and get everyone a toilet like this... Bc it make everyone happier! I mean... Wow man. ... Just wow...
Fact or fiction it doesn't matter, I taken toilet humor an entirely new direction....
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