The United dude at the gate was a jerk and he fought with me. Am I handicapped no, no I not, and I never claimed to be. Do I need more time boarding than most, yes, yes, I do. Look being fat is my fault. However, if an airline recommends you get to seats, I think the least they can do is let the kid pre-board. God, he argued with me and laughed at me, and said I couldn't and that being fat wasn't a reason I needed to board with my group! He was such a jerk. He walked off and the lady who was next two him took my ticket from me and wrote preboard on it. And I said he said no and she said have him talk to me. So preboarding became an episode and so once again the long walk of shame was started with me being the first on the plane. I really don't preboard bc I don't want to stand in line, which I hate! Or because I'm in a hurry to get on the plane bc I am not. Rather it's more of a common courtesy to all the people sitting in between me and my seat that I will bump on the journey from point a to point b. It's the awkward I'm sorry being said with each step I take towards my destination. It's the same reason I only piss on the plane when I absolutely have too and now that I've mentioned moments before take off, I have to go. Wow, funny how that happens like clock work. Stupid small bladder of mine!
However, once on the plane I can move faster from point A to B and yes I hit every seat with my wide load, but at least there is no one I'm bumping into. I get to my seat and I turn around and get ready to get in and poof there is the flight attendant. She much like the 2nd agent at the gate is an angel. She is like take which ever seats you want. Bc you have two seats and you are in control, they will be happy with the extra room. Then the shame starts setting in again.
Two seats! Such a fat ass! Again, it's my own fault. I'm the one who ate to get here. Your on company business so first class isn't an option without miles and being fat you don't travel unless you have to. So no miles for me. However you think about it, you realize much like pre boarding the extra seat is as much about the passenger next to you as it is about your size. Airplane seats are fucking small and getting smaller all the time. You want to be comfortable on the long flight and also you want the person who sits next to you to be comfortable too. Make no mistake fat and traveling is like going on a blind date and meeting at a random coffee house. You don't mean to judge every women who walks in, you don't want to, but you do. You turn them over and say well is that her, she is ok. Or is that here because she is well barf. So on and so on. The masses that pass you don't mean to look. They don't want to look. However they do look. They look and whether they want to or not the thought creeps into your mind, oh god please, please don't make me sit next to the fatty. Don't lie, you've had the thought. I know you have. Because the fatty sits there and does the same when he doest have first class or two seats. He prays to God he gets a kid next to him. Not because he likes kids, but because they are small and don't take up a lot of space. And he has more room. Ok, let's back up, the fat man always sits there and hopes he gets a hot single chick next to him, because he does love him some hot chicks! Then it's a kid. Then you hope for female petite. The female normal. Then male petite. Then female big, then male big, then female fat and so on and so forth. You hold your breath each time another fatty comes down the isle and you hope beyond hope
They aren't next to you! You can't help it. You are like all people selfish by nature and you want to be comfy. Nothing wrong with that, it is what it is. You look for these looks from others and you see them. You catch the quick sharp glances from people as the come down the isle. They can't help it, just like you can't. However even know you are doing the same you start to feel ashamed. Ashamed that you have let it come to this. That it's come so far. That you feel so out of place even in your little seats.
Finally, comes the eve awkward hand off. Between you and the flight attendant. The one where he or she tries to hide the fact they are giving you a seatbelt extender. The walk up with there wrist bent over hiding this extra buckle and clip and try to sly hand it off to protect your privacy but everyone around you sees you struggle to unroll it and then sees you making your seatbelt bigger and then clipping on the extra length. Again it's the third time you've been shamed since starting the flying process that morning.
However right now it's just you and the blonde flight attendant and she asks if you need an extender and your like Aiya I sure do and she gives it to you and as you are kicking yourself in you in you start talking to her and your not sure why, maybe it is the ever elusive approval this introvert is seeing always seeking with his every thought bent on it and needing it!
"I'm hoping this is the last flight to Hawaii that I need to seats and an extender!" You know you've said this before but this time is different. You don't know why it is, but your not the man you where before. If you don't believe me ask Dorothy, the person who cooked her dinner last night wasn't the man she last saw. She even asked have you been doing lots of therapy or something? You shrug and you just say, look I'm being selfish now. I am willing to go after what I want now and who I want to be. She felt you where different and you know you are! You continue "I'm taking care of myself for the first time in my life. I'm 50 lbs lighter and 8 waist sizes down. I'm finally taking control over my life!" She ask how your cd done it? "Paleo" you say. "I gave up the big three really sugar, wheat, and diary. You cook for yourself and only eat real foods now. Process food is out." She like everyone is impressed. You also round to fifty because it does sound better than forty and you know you are circling it like a shark does a wounded dolphin. It's only a matter of time before 50 is 50 as then 60, and so on and so forth. Because you can't go back. Not now, not ever! You have your health to think of and not to mention how good you feel. Dancing in the bathroom because u feel good enough to do it. Walking when ever you can. Swimming. Living! Really living again! Something you denied yourself for far to long.
So you sit and tell this blonde women your tale. Then she goes to help others and you sit and start typng and next thing you know your at 28,000 over the pacific and your on your way to paradise.
You still have to pee a little and you will soon as the guy in the aisle wakes up. You don't really want to get especially since you've been crop dusting your seats. fuckers put tillamook on my ommie this am and your were gonna send it back but damn your body can't handle the cheese. Oh well you will get by, you just pray it doesn't run thru you at 28,000 feet or we are gonna have to write a blog about a fat guy shitting on a plane and no one wants to read that but think about it as Farley in tommy boy and Austin powers and you get the picture!
However as you get ready to watch battle of the five armies you sigh bc there is no skymall magazine and your not sure why but it makes you sad bc reading that has always been part of traveling. Oh well.... I'm sure once I hit the ground in Kona I'll put these three shaming instances behind me and forget all about skymall I mean after all it's paradise and the only thing to do in paradise is enjoy it!
Aloha!!
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