I guess for we all knew this day was around the corner, didn't we? I guess some beasts just can't be caged. I guess sometimes the things we think we have learned we haven't and we lie to ourselves when we think you can just leave it all behind. I don't know if this should be called "I addict" or "I self disctruct" or "a day of bad choices" or "missing the own comfort of my discontent" or simply "I just didn't care enough to try harder". In the end doesnt all punt to the same thing? Failure? In the end happy or sad, stressed or or not, plan or not is failure simply not just failure.
Failure to protect yourself in situations you know aren't right for you. Failure to make time To make things that are good.
Didn't I always know if end up here?
Broken, exhausted and at the end. Isn't that the part I play? Isn't that part of being KA Mai?
Is this addiction talking or failure? Is I not taking responsibility for my actions? Or it is just being to exhausted to care? I don't know.
What's l know is I feel like a fat ass. Two bagel bacon egg and cheese sandwiches will make u feel that way.
That is how I started my Friday after walking puppy. It was the 5th day in a week that was a blurrrr. Since you landed you worked and worked and you don't remember being so tired. But this isn't works fault is it? No, work is a cop out. Blaming work isn't owning your shit. Work is the path you chose. A course you treaded down.
Food is the comfort you had started to find before you left. The comfort you got from learning to live again. The comfort you found in finding the man you where supposed to be. That comfort that you can only find within from piece of mind and believing your cause is just. You haven't abandon the mission, you've just had your faith questioned about the cause.
And as your faith in your image, your dream, and your resurrection was tested in yourself you went outside and tried to find it every where else. The things that used to get you by though the false things, that made you feel important all failed you. You found yourself already alone. A drift and you just didn't know what to do. So you spent a day in regression. You tried to find that old
Comfort of being sad. You turned to your poison. Not booze, not cocaine or hash, but the one true drug of your life. Food. And you indulged.
After your breakfast sandwiches you ate a lunch of sweet and sour pork, and chow mien. This was followed by birthday cake. Emails came and went and finally you know even before you leave The office the jig is up, you are at drift and the binge is on. You don't care for a moment your BP is up. You don't care about anything because in the conference t of your own sadness there is noting. Only the need. Only the goal go do ding a comfort that isn't there and neve can be. Because you have to find that place in your minds eye that is willing to move forward and not back. However as drive you know, it's only a matter of time until the bad choices become a binge. It's only a matter of time before you try once again to plug that giant whole in the middle of you with food instead of self love and the God self.
You know it whe you start asking what would you eat if you can eat anything without remorse and regret? It's your get out of jail free card and you can use it on whatever u want. As you ask the question you feel a dark storm cloud rolling in like a distance ship on a horizon dream ting it's way finally to shore. The black is coming and you're smack dab in the middle of a break down.
Your sneaky about it though. Even to yourself. Or at least you think. You make it home without going further down the rabbit while. You think perhaps just perhaps you can avoid it but you can't. Not because your not strong enough but because part of you wants to fail. Part of you needs to fail. Because part of you loved that comfort of being sad.
You tell yourself you will go to the store tomorrow and make it right. It's just one day, but it sounds hollow even to your own ears. Because being sad is easy. You know it. Being good and trying to et better is hard. Trying to change the nature of a beast is hard. Letting the monkey on your back drive you is easy.
So when you break down after the dog is walked, peed and pooped you break with epic proportions. It's not your biggest binge ever but it's big enough.
And I'll tell you true what it is because I'm compelled to. This is part of redemption isn't it? If I write it is real! If I write it I can deal with it. I've i write it I can hope to find redemption, forgiveness from myself, and hope.
Didn't this thing always stand on the edge of a knife? Wasn't this always a battle for my soul? Didn't Katie K say it best your "fuck the bullshit, stop him ding behind your weight and love yourself. There is no time left."
So when I order BK online this is what I got:
2 double bacon whoppers
2 large fries
1 double whopper w cheese
Yes I had them bring it to me.
It was all so numbing. It was all so, surreal.
However, I think what I was doing didn't hit home till the driver delivered my food.
And he said "long time no see" and it was a slap in the face and reeled from it. The guy knew me that s how much I'd ordered from him. He knew me. And I thought back to getting the bagels that mornings. Hadn't she said the same thing long Tim no see. It had been 120 days at least. What was I doing and why? Bc I was alone? Bc I am scars about what to do? Why because I miss the comfort of being sad?
I wish I could say I told him to take it and go. However as any addict knows once you get locked into a bender you take it as far as you can go. And I like a good addict, did just that. I ate.
I felt nothing. I just ate. I ate so fast I almost choked a few times. I was all in.
I felt terrible after wards. I felt the truth that I had failed myself. I didn't make any promises like this was the last time or we'd never do it again.
A person who accepts there addiction doesn't do these things, bc they know the power of it and it's better to make promises that you can't or won't keep.
It was 11 when I finally stumble towards bed with a upset stomach and a comfort is long forgotten. A false comfort. A sadness that teetered on the edge of normal.
Shoner work me at 6:30, I feed her and went back to sleep and when I finally woke up at noon with a pain in my stomach I hadn't missed. I saw just how complete my failure the day before had been. I thought about lying. Saying is over slept and missed my weigh in but that isn't true. Not even a little. I had no intention of facing the scale this mor Ong. Especially after a night of dreams about weighs in public and being humiliated haunted my rest.
I knew that I had to share this because it's important that I do. Because I know just what a slippery slop this all is and I know just how easy we can fall. All the promises in the world mean shit unless you act on them. That's my tale.
And as I sit in the sun confessing my sins, I turn my eye toward not what was best t what's next. I can't change yestersay but I can understand it.
The comfort of sadness is bullshit. It's an excuse of a man who fell to his own weakness.
All I can do now is move forward. The shopping list is made. Hawaiin pig we will turn to save us once again. We will repurge our system of sugar and salt.
One because I feel so much better on paleo. Two my heart needs taken care of. I can't fall back into old habits or I'll die. Life is a pretty good carrot to hang in front of oneself to chase.
Did I not feel alive in the oceans of Hawaii? Did I not want to update my goals so I can be a true big wave rider? Did I not want t play and frolic in the sun?is being part alive not better than being mostly dead?
Why do we fall? So we can learn to get back up!
I fell yesterday, will I learn to get up again today?
I think this note is me putting my hands underneath me to push myself up. I think being honest about a fall and getting back is better than hiding. Tomorrow, I face the scales. I'll go and take my medicine. I'll face my failures head on and I'll stand back up. Because I've seen a better way, I know a better way. I chose to be alive and. It dead. I addict whatever, I survior, i conqueror, I dreamer is how I'll be remembered. Not for being hidden for a moment in shade, but for being willing to rise out from underneath it.
And this is me pushing myself up and looking in the mirror and saying I can fix this, I will fix this.
I can do this!
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