Billy b: Reloaded

I will admit it, yesterday I had a bit of a moment.  Well, I guess it was Friday I had my moment, but I really took it hard yesterday.  Well that was until I purged it from my system through my fingers to the page.  I tell you there is really something magical about sharing what is bothering you.  The cleansing power is amazing.

I got a lot of love and support from it too, and sometimes that is exactly what the doctor ordered.  It always makes me feel good that I am heard, and that people are in my corner.   Of course sometimes you get very simple responses like from Sweet Chip's wife Katie K  "Have you gotten your shit together????"  If that isn't damn year thirty years of friendship I don't know what is.  All, I could say is "Yes love" and then she said "good boy" and that was ll that needed to be said.  =)  She wasn't the only one who reached out but i think hers is the easiest to summarize =)  Love to all of you!

This message it self is really about, and what happened right as I posted this message.  I didn't so much walk into the house and start over.  No, I didn't start over at all, I "Reloaded".  The powerhouses, the true powerhouses in College Football never have to Rebuild.  That is because there 2nd and 3rd stringers can start anywhere else.  Look at Ohio State this year and there third string quarterback being just a stud.  That is b/c rebuilding doesn't happened at OSU, they don't start over, they just pull the next bullets from the belt, load up and keep going.  I really hate OSU by the, fucking luckeyes.  And that to some extent is exactly what I needed to do as well.  Not start over, just reload.  So, that is exactly what I did.

When you are in rut, you go back to the basics, so that is exactly what I did. I headed out to the store, and stocked up on the basics.

Spinach, pineapple, ham, pork butt, carrots, eggs, nuts, water, sausage, you know the basics.

Also, I went back to the first meal I really prepared all those months ago, when I really started cooking paleo for myself.  My favorite meal of them all.  The 16 hour slow cooker Kalua Pig.

It did me a lot of good getting back in the kitchen yesterday.  Then again this a.m.

I have everything ready to go rot he week.  Just waiting on the taco meat to get done now, then I will fridge it and be ready to go....

Its a good feeling being all reloaded and ready to go!

thanks again everyone!!!!

I Addict II: comfort of sadness

I guess for we all knew this day was around the corner, didn't we?  I guess some beasts just can't be caged.  I guess sometimes the things we think we have learned we haven't and we lie to ourselves when we think you can just leave it all behind.  I don't know if this should be called "I addict" or "I self disctruct" or "a day of bad choices" or "missing the own comfort of my discontent" or simply "I just didn't care enough to try harder".  In the end doesnt all punt to the same thing?  Failure?  In the end happy or sad, stressed or or not, plan or not is failure simply not just failure.  

Failure to protect yourself in situations you know aren't right for you. Failure to make time To make things that are good.

Didn't I always know if end up here?

Broken, exhausted and at the end.  Isn't that the part I play?  Isn't that part of being KA Mai?  

Is this addiction talking or failure?  Is I not taking responsibility for my actions?  Or it is just being to exhausted to care?  I don't know.

What's l know is I feel like a fat ass.  Two bagel bacon egg and cheese sandwiches will make u feel that way.

That is how I started my Friday after walking puppy.  It was the 5th day in a week that was a blurrrr.  Since you landed you worked and worked and you don't remember being so tired.  But this isn't works fault is it? No, work is a cop out.  Blaming work isn't owning your shit.  Work is the path you chose.  A course you treaded down.

Food is the comfort you had started to find before you left.  The comfort you got from learning to live again.  The comfort you found in finding the man you where supposed to be.  That comfort that you can only find within from piece of mind and believing your cause is just.  You haven't abandon the mission, you've just had your faith questioned about the cause.

And as your faith in your image, your dream, and your resurrection was tested in yourself you went outside and tried to find it every where else.  The things that used to get you by though the false things, that made you feel important all failed you.  You found yourself already alone.  A drift and you just didn't know what to do.  So you spent a day in regression.  You tried to find that old

Comfort of being sad.  You turned to your poison.  Not booze, not cocaine or hash, but the one true drug of your life.  Food.  And you indulged.  

After your breakfast sandwiches you ate a lunch of sweet and sour pork, and chow mien.  This was followed by birthday cake.  Emails came  and went  and finally you know even before you leave The office the jig is up, you are at drift and the binge is on.  You don't care for a moment your BP is up.  You don't care about anything because in the conference t of your own sadness there is noting.  Only the need.  Only the goal go do ding a comfort  that isn't there and neve can be.  Because you have to find that place in your minds eye that is willing to move forward and not back.  However as drive you know, it's only a matter of time until the bad choices become a binge.  It's only a matter of time before  you try once again to plug that giant whole in the middle of you with food instead of self love and the God self.

You know it whe you start asking what would you eat if you can eat anything without remorse and regret?  It's your get out of jail free card and you can use it on whatever u want.  As you ask the question you feel a dark storm cloud rolling in like a distance ship on a horizon dream ting it's way finally to shore.  The black is coming and you're smack dab in the middle of a break down.

Your sneaky about it though.  Even to yourself.  Or at least you think.  You make it home without going further down the rabbit while.  You think perhaps just perhaps you can avoid it but you can't.  Not because your not strong enough but because part of you wants to fail.  Part of you needs to fail.  Because part of you loved that comfort of being sad.

You tell yourself you will go to the store tomorrow and make it right.  It's just one day, but it sounds hollow even to your own ears.  Because being sad is easy.  You know it. Being good and trying to et better is hard.  Trying to change the nature of a beast is hard.  Letting the monkey on your back drive you is easy.  

So when you break down after the dog is walked, peed and pooped you break with epic proportions.  It's not your biggest binge ever but it's big enough.

And I'll tell you true what it is because I'm compelled to.  This is part of redemption isn't it?  If I write it is real!  If I write it I can deal with it.  I've i write it I can hope to find redemption, forgiveness from myself, and hope.

Didn't this thing always stand on the edge of a knife?  Wasn't this always a battle for my soul?  Didn't Katie K say it best your "fuck the bullshit, stop him ding behind your weight and love yourself.  There is no time left."  

So when I order BK online this is what I got:

2 double bacon whoppers

2 large fries

1 double whopper w cheese

Yes I had them bring it to me.  

It was all so numbing.  It was all so, surreal.

However, I think what I was doing didn't hit home till the driver delivered my food.

And he said "long time no see" and it was a slap in the face and reeled from it. The guy knew me that s how much I'd ordered from him.  He knew me.  And I thought back to getting the bagels that mornings.  Hadn't she said the same thing long Tim no see.  It had been 120 days at least.  What was I doing and why?  Bc I was alone?  Bc I am scars about what to do?  Why because I miss the comfort of being sad?

I wish I could say I told him to take it and go.  However as any addict knows once you get locked into a bender you take it as far as you can go.  And I like a good addict, did just that.  I ate.  

I felt nothing.  I just ate.  I ate so fast I almost choked a few times.  I was all in.  

I felt terrible after wards. I felt the truth that I had failed myself. I didn't make any promises like this was the last time or we'd never do it again.

A person who accepts there addiction doesn't do these things, bc they know the power of it and it's better to make promises that you can't or won't keep. 

It was 11 when I finally stumble towards bed with a upset stomach and a comfort is long forgotten.   A false comfort.  A sadness that teetered on the edge of normal.  

Shoner work me at 6:30, I feed her and went back to sleep and when I finally woke up at noon with a pain in my stomach I hadn't missed.  I saw just how complete my failure the day before had been.  I thought about lying.  Saying is over slept and missed my weigh in but that isn't true.  Not even a little.  I had no intention of facing the scale this mor Ong.  Especially after a night of dreams about weighs in public and being humiliated haunted my rest.  

I knew that I had to share this because it's important that I do.  Because I know just what a slippery slop this all is and I know just how easy we can fall.  All the promises in the world mean shit unless you act on them.  That's my tale.  

And as I sit in the sun confessing my sins, I turn my eye toward not what was best t what's next.  I can't change yestersay but I can understand it.

The comfort of sadness is bullshit.  It's an excuse of a man who fell to his own weakness. 

All I can do now is move forward.  The shopping list is made.  Hawaiin pig we will turn to save us once again.  We will repurge our system of sugar and salt.  

One because I feel so much better on paleo.  Two my heart needs taken care of.  I can't fall back into old habits or I'll die.  Life is a pretty good carrot to hang in front of oneself to chase.

Did I not feel alive in the oceans of Hawaii?  Did I not want to update my goals so I can be a true big wave rider? Did I not want t play and frolic in the sun?is being part alive not better than being mostly dead?

Why do we fall?  So we can learn to get back up!

I fell yesterday, will I learn to get up again today?

I think this note is me putting my hands underneath me to push myself up.  I think being honest about a fall and getting back is better than hiding.  Tomorrow, I face the scales. I'll go and take my medicine.  I'll face my failures head on and I'll stand back up.  Because I've seen a better way, I know a better way.  I chose to be alive and. It dead.  I addict whatever, I survior, i conqueror, I dreamer is how I'll be remembered.  Not for being hidden for a moment in shade, but for being willing to rise out from underneath it.

And this is me pushing myself up and looking in the mirror and saying I can fix this, I will fix this.

I can do this!

Paradise Report Day 8: "Aloha means goodbye"

"Aloha means goodbye." - Larry Beil

I think it was a very catchy sports center reference.  Perhaps not as catchy as cool as the other side of the pillow, Stu Scott, RIP brother.  However, its the type of phrase that every time you see a home run or hear the word aloha it pops into your mind.  

I wanted to see what Paradise looked like, and keep it fresh in my mind.  So, I snapped this photo.  I know what paradise is and that is it.  I love it.  I often think I should move to the islands, b/c this is where I do belong.  

I snapped so more photos heading down the road towards the airpot.   I tried to capture the blue sky.

I just held the phone out and snapped and snapped.

Tried to get the mountain with the snow on it.  How fucking cool is that.  A mountain in hawaii with snow!  Cool!  But driving and photo'ing isn't really my thing.

The blue sky's go on forever!!!

you can sort of see the snow on the top of the mountain!!!

The seat belt still fits!!! after a week in paradise!!!!!

That was my car, the ultima. it did its job.

 Last sun in paradies... getting every drop!!!

 Tim to board :(

Me sad... Me have to board plane

There is my bird!!

 I felt very presidential.... getting not he plane like this...

Locked in the bird and heading home...

I love the sun!!! I miss it!!!

Paradise Report Day 8: Last Day Full Day in Paradise

I woke up to paradise in paradise, I was met with blue skies and the sun that was just as warm as warm can be.  The biggest problem with coming to paradise is that sooner or later you are going to have to leave paradise and I thought about that a little bit on the ay to breakfast this a.m.  However, I didn't dwell on it.  No reason to be a Debby downer on the full day in paradise is there.

I at breakfast and read.  I turned down a couple of offers to join folks for breakfast b/c I was tired, really tired from the big wave beating I took the day before and I had my Stephen King book with me and it is the first time I left the room without my phone, so I really wanted to be alone and get lost in the world of Mr Mercedes. 

I think I finished breakfast around 9:30 or so, came back posted my blog, and headed beach side.  I laid down and jus stared up into the beautiful blue sky.

 

I fucking love it here.  It is really pretty.  I think this is my most favorite stop on the islands so far.  I the private cove, the hotel, the sunsets, the lawn.  All of it was just so awesome! 

After laying around and reading a few chapters of my book.  I decided to put out a call to the wave riders crew.  The swells were bigger today than yesterday and it looked like a heck of a lot of fun to be out there. 

We Wave Riders are the elite, the best of the best.  Wave Rider Orca (me), Wave Rider Meat (Cory, b/c he is a bit of a fitness nut), Wave Rider Buckeye (Jamie is a OSU fan), and Wave Rider Phoenix (Kyle because he is from Phoenix).  I know it is really originally right, I worked really hard coming up with that.  Spent a hole 3o seconds on it.  Around 1:30 the team met up and got our boggy boards, and met Wave Rider "The Stranger" (Greg, and it is a long story) on the way to the waves.

I got a board but a board to me is useless.  I mean it just isn't fun for me b/c of my size.  However, that is something to take not of, and a future goal.  Damn it I will boggy board.  I will.  So, I scarped the board and handed it of to Wave Rider Tiger (Ryan S who played golf at Clemson and they are the tigers.  See there is a science to this).  We played in the waves for an hour and a half today.  It was really rough today.  I got beat around pretty bad and 1.5 hours was enough for me today.  Plus the sun was frying me.  All and all I got a good 5 to 6 hours of straight sun today and I was already burned.  So, I said, lets go back and chill. I laid around for an hour and headed back to the room to shower and clean up.  I am going to spend 5 to 6 getting things ready for tomorrow a.m.'s mad dash to the air port.  Nervous flyer here and I will want to get there early, especially, since I have the rental car, which I had forgotten about until I saw the keys on the desk today.

I snapped few last pictures of paradise on my way in... the awards dinner is tonight.  It is aloha formal, long pants and a Hawaiian shirt, I hope, what I have is ok. 

 

 

Paradise Report Day 7: Big Wave Riders

"Big wave riding's for macho assholes with a death wish." Point Break

I had planned on going swimming today. I need to work off breakfast, I need to get out and stretch and relax in the water.  The best part about it was the sun was out and the resort finally looked like it did on the website and my shoddy iphone picks can't capture it like the hotel itself does:

 

 

 

So my plan, was to get sun burnt and swim, read  little Mr Mercedes by the master and relax.  Sounds like a great day in paradise right. 

 

 

After breakfast I was hanging with my buddy Jamie and his wife and Jamie was very eager to go into the water.  However, he had been told by the cabana boy that the they had to pull five people in from the rip tide already.  So we needed to stay away from the reef left hand side of the picture above.  Which honestly made me think the Jamie wasn't going to go swimming at all.  Another buddy Kyle was texting saying he be back around two and he wanted to go out in the water, so I knew one way or another I would get some time in the water.  Again, not really a plan so much as get sunburnt and swim. 

 

As we sat there debating whether or not we would actually go and when another co-worker came up with his daughter and they were getting ready to return the boogie boards and offered them to Jamie and myself. 

 

 

Now I have never bodyboarded in my life and I was pretty damn sure I would sink the damn board.  However, I strapped the thing onto my wrist and headed out into the waves.  It was much rougher than it had been the two previous days and it was rougher and bigger waves than when I did my triathlon here two years ago. 

 

However, there is something magical about being comfortable in the water and jumping into and diving into bit wave after waver after wave.  I never officially sunk the bodyboard but it wasn't really my cup of tea.  There was a rep out with us from Australia and I passed my board to him b/c it would serve him better and I just body surfed, and splashed and played in the water.  It was good stuff.  I can't tell you how long we were out there but we finally headed in for some lunch.  Kyle had blown up my cell phone while I was out there b/c he was ready to go for his own adventure. 

 

I was surprised when we got back to the seats and Jamie was like you ready to go back in.  I was hell ya I am ready to go back in.  As we walked to the water we were joined by Kyle and the three of us ventured out into the swells again.  I have no idea how big the waves were.  However, for a small town kid from Indiana, these waves were plenty big for me.  They knocked the three of us around pretty good.  They are the 2nd biggest waves I can remember dealing with.  The biggest being at Pac Grove, my 2nd time around was that 09?  Literally those things were like 10 foot or something really big and crazy. 

 

So, the three of us body surfed as much as we could.  That is when all the sudden I was grabbed from behind and thrown into the water.  I got up quickly to see what had happened but I knew before I ever got up what it was.  It was another friend Cory, the guy who had tried to toss me in the pool yesterday and failed miserably and got a hurt foot out of it too.  He got me pretty good.  Kyle and Jamie got a good laugh out of it b/c they saw him coming.  Fuckers!  Then the four of us road as many waves as we could. 

 

There is something great about life when you can be out in the water amongst friends and feel like you are a kid again.  That is how I felt.  I felt like I was at Wet N Wild or Water works and I was in the wave pool. I loved the wave pool more than anything else, well, I did love the lazy river too.  I could have floated in that thing all day long.  However, that is how I felt out in the waves, I have never been so comfortable in my adult life in the water.  I am sure as a kid I was probably a little more adventurous than I am now.

 

Jamie finally pulled the plug on our foursome and we headed back to shore.  Cory quickly disappeared and Kyle and I held palaver on the beach.  I felt very self conscious being without a shirt, but fuck it.  Its not like my shirt would have hidden the fact I was fat.  Kyle was jacked to go out for some more wave riding and I was what the hell. 

 

As we headed out we turned and looked back to shore and Cory brought down the company sales force in well force.  He rolled down with like 8 or 9 people.  Including my boss Eric, Koti, Greg P, Ryan S. and many others and we all went out and grabbed some waves together.  I think it was the coolest moment I have ever been at this company was right then and there.  Every direction all I saw was co-workers and colleges chin deep in the big waves.

 

We took a pounding.  The waves the last time around were the biggest and strongest of them all.  The life guard was even flying a red flag.  However, we stayed out in force and we tried to catch the biggest waves possible. I almost lost my St Christopher necklace.  I was flipped over backwards several times. I was face planted in the sand, and I loved it.  I felt 9 not 39 and it was great!  It was totally great! 

 

Laua is tonight.  I am hoping for some good meats!  I am sure the spread will be fabulous.  If it was anything like breakfast and dinner the other night I am sure it will be.  I should get running or I am going to be late!

 

THE LAUA - Great food and great sunset!!!

 

 

you couldn't have asked for a more beautiful setting!!!

 

The Sunset was to die for, I loved it... I just stood there entranced by it!

Lots of good people!

Bye bye Sun!

Billy b and Koti

The spread was amazing... The top right corner is an 8 hour pig cooked in a buried oven.  My god, it put my 16 hour pig to shame and now I want a big oven in the ground =)

Clear beautiful night having a night cap with the finance peeps. 

 

 

 

Paradise Report Day 6: Open Water

"This must be just like livin' in paradise (just like paradise)

And I don't wanna go home (and I never wanna go)

This must be just like livin' in paradise

And I don't wanna go home"

- Just like Paradise, David Lee Roth

 I have had that song running through my head since I left the mainland.  I was always a DLR fan, never loved the Van Halen with Sammy H, I think it was b/c I could never grow a wicked fro like he had.

Day 6 in Paradise was just that living in paradise.  The day started off with a meeting for work, but it was a good meeting, a productive one.  It is the annual tax right off meeting ;-)  I don't know if that is true or not, but we did have a productive meeting.  It made you remember why you were here and what you want to do.  You see you have a ton of value to still add and a lot to do and you want to do it sort of good meeting.  I am all for meetings when you leave and want to kick a little ass. 

I came back to the room for the 2nd time that morning.  The first time, was on the five minute bio break and I had to sprint from one end of the hotel to the other to get the blood pressure meds that I forgot in my room.  I got a great work out and I did sprint. I ran up two flights of stairs, and I speed walked back.  It took me a bit to catch my breath.  I did a little work.  Turned some documents and then went pool side to meet up with my work peeps. 

My buddy Jamie said he was going to go swimming with me in the big pond out back of the hotel (the pacific) and I was pretty excited.  As I approached the pool, I bumped into my arch nemesis Cory Rhoads. Now, honestly, Cory isn't my arch nemesis at all, but another buddy.  However, him and Jamie got all liquored up one night after a customer meeting on the east coast and texted me. Rhoads told me he was going to braid my hair, and then rip my arms off and beat me with them.  This was back before I went high and tight and had my sexy angel soft mullet.  I of course commented back to him something inappropriate that I won't share her about his mother, and ever since, we have had a friendly banter.  Well last year he told me he was going to toss me in the kiddy pool and tie me the ladder with my hair.   this year, he actually tried to toss me in the pool.  However, I evaded his first attempt.

I thought our little wrestling match was over, and I was walking to get a chair when he literally came up behind me and Lawrence Taylor'd me.  You know the big tomahawk move he used to knock the ball out of so many quarterbacks hands and knocks my man bag with my phone and book to the ground.  He wraps me in a might bear hug and picks me up and gets me almost to the pool.  So, I did what came naturally to me, I sat down.  Right on his fucking foot and smashed it.  OMG I feel bad b/c I totally bruised it.  I guess that is what he gets for fucking with me.  I also stayed dry and evaded his 2nd attempt.  After hurting his foot, he wasn't going to try a third time.  I really do hope his foot is ok.

However, its at this point Jamie tells me he is to tired to go swimming with me.  However, Cory said he and his wife where going paddle boarding so I could go out with them.  So, that is just what I did.  I was out for 57 minutes.  Now, I can't say I really swam the whole time, but I feel like I did, b/c I am exhausted.  I did do some frolicking.  I played in the waves like when I was a kid. I  saw some fish.  Mostly, I just got comfortable in the water.  All in all it was pretty GREAT!  The water was perfect, and of course I felt like I was in home.  It was pretty good for my 2nd open water swim of the week.  I had also swam the day before but only for 25 minutes.  So I nearly doubled it. I did a lot of breast stroke, some side stroke, and even some back. I just kept moving.  Even if it wasn't a perfect swim, it was good one. 

The swim the day before was good too.  Another buddy of mine Kyle was down there for that one with his wife.  I got back to the beach and was sitting with him and another dude Koti and kyle was like you should have seen the whales early Koti. I was fuck you dude, did you just call me a whale and he was like no really there were whales out there, I swear it. However Koti and I didn't let him off the hook that easily.  I knew Kyle wasn't talking about me b/c I saw what he was talking about early.  However, you know me I love a good fat joke.

I am going for another swim tomorrow.  There were a couple of other people who wanted to go and you know me I love the water and I had forgotten how much fun it was to play in the big waves.  Like I said it beat the hell out of me and I am tired but a good tired, like I worked hard tired.  I also faced one of my biggest fears head on and that is always a good feeling. 

The day ended with me in the room, typing up this report and a bunless burger coming from room service.  I had a meeting to end the day and therefore I missed my window to go out with the crew to lava lava.  Oh well, I will get to go next time and tomorrow night and Saturday are awards dinners so that should be fun.  I am not getting an award, being here is award enough.  A free trip to paradise and some good open water swimming.  Good stuff, really good stuff!

Anyway the meeting tonight was actually pretty cool.  I mean how could it not be when you did it from a balcony and had to look at this:

 

ALOHA!!!!