The success in my failure...

The success in my failure…

You know where I have been? Do you not?  I have been in the Rabbit Hole, or am I still there?  It is hard to tell when you are in the shit or just coming out of it.  I am blogging today to say that I will not be going to PG this year.  I cancelled my hotel reservations today.  I am not even really sure how I feel about it, either.  Part of me is relieved because I really do hate swimming in the Kelp.  Part of me is really bummed out because I feel like I failed. 

Well I did fail.  I sat on here and announced the return of the Black Reaper to racing.  I said twice this year that I was going to do events and twice this year I am going to be a no show.  Sure, I would have gone and swam if my tri teammates hadn’t back out.  However, I wouldn’t have wanted to because I have not been as focused on the swim as I should be.  Also, I was going to do the sprint, however, after a few anal raping session on my bike, I decide to fat to ride.   So that not only took out the sprint but also the ride I was supposed to do in August in Napa.  Two events and two failures and I know what you are saying.  Bill why don’t you just lose weight and stop making excuses?

I know you are saying this because I am asking myself the same question right now.  Why so many excuses.  Why are there always excuses?  You failed Billy b, just accept it.  You FAILED!

The truth is yes, I failed, however the failure was not being able to be ready for two endurance events.  The failure was not properly planning them out.  The failure was trying to them while I was trying to do other things. Important things, like going down the rabbit hole. 

What I see right now is the simple fact that my weight is not a product of me wanting to or needing to exercise. I do it. I walk. I walked a shit ton this summer.  I was on a program and I followed it. 

I fail because my weight is based on hunger either.  I don’t think I have been really hungry for years.  I think my body is starving for natural goodness and greens.  However, my stomach has been full since I can remember.  I just keep forcing shit in there. 

My issue is a game of the mind.  I have told you here repeatedly that my mind broke somewhere along the line. I forgot all the wonderful things about me.  I failed to see all the good things I have done and did. 

I completed my first Novelette the other day and no I am still not willing to share it.  It was the first time in my life that I saw something I wanted to do to the end.  The joy of doing that was fucking remarkable.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much confidence that gave me.  I don’t give a shit if no one ever reads it. I did it.  9,980 plus words and I wrote it. 

I have spent countless hours with Sue picking up the pieces of my shattered life.  I learned to deal with things. I have seen situations I should have handled differently.  I have been challenged to tell Sue how I would deal with those differently now and apparently stabbing everyone but me in the throat with a number 2 pencil is not an acceptable answer.  I see the value in coming clean and not holding things in.  In facing and dealing with issues head on.  I have come farther in this one year of therapy than I have in the 15 years prior to this.  I looked at my demons, all of my demons in the face and accepted them for what they were.  Things such as jealousy, anger, hate, and resentment, you know all the things that lead us to the dark side.  Only issue is at the end of my journey to the dark side I was a fat bastard who could barely tie my own shoes, not a mother fucking bad as Dark Knight of the Sith!

Am I perfect?  No, am I better yes.  I am not the man who started writing a year ago.  I am not the man who was on the back porch with a friend and agreeing the versions of me was a piss poor one.  My mind is no longer a prison.  I am happy.  I am coming to work before time and staying past time.  I am writing almost every day still.  I am walking and swimming whenever I can. I am drinking green smoothies like they were going out of style.  I am giving my body more of what it needs. 

I think one of my favorite saying on this blog has been “Why do we fall?”  “It is so we can learn to get back up!” Thanks Batman Begins!  I think that is true. It has been a long fall from grace.  I have not lived up to my potential and am ok with that.  I am not doing the races I wanted to do this year, and I am ok with that.  Because I am exactly where I need to be today in my life and I am doing what I need to get better.  

So, if you want to look at the negative and say yes I failed, then your mind is as small and simple as mine used to be, because when I read this, even with a few weekends not going my way, I am still very, very successful, and doing exactly what I need to be doing for me!

 

And…

 

The TOWER is closer!