6100 page views and 150 blogs

:)

people are looking at least....

Now for a ridculous conversation between me and my roommate... she was in the bathroom getting ready for her nighton the town... I was on the couch, of course....

Billy b:   I am not yanking it, I am just touching it.

R:  Um... Bill What are you DOING?

Billy b: Playing with shiners tail

R: Oh THANK GOD!!!

Hahahaha hahaa hahaa haha

i think we are funny....

anyway... lots of vies.. we are getting like a 1000 a week, lets see if we can't keep it up.  whoot whoot

I played SAG for rachel 10 mile run today.. Shiner and I came to the rescue when she ran out of water and salts... i didn't realize I sent her on an uphill run, oops... she did it though... trying to get her to switch to Coach Mark's team so if anyone out there is on that team, reach out to here, she needs friends to run with or at least make sure she gets to training... that old I set the alarm for pm not a.m. trick isn't going to work many more satrudays.  I'll go in her room with the fire hose to get her out to training.... perhaps I should start training myself.  Starting monday dogs walks.. i am healthy and puppy healhty now... so I have to take for her puppy walks... good for her, good for me...

Twelve Sausage Biscuits

Maybe it's a sign of surrender? Maybe it's a sign of being depressed. Maybe it's just the path of least resistance. However ever morning when I leave the house I go to M's. Mainly because I get up

To late to make my own coffee, the. When I'm there two sausage biscuits please and I wonder why my face is broken out with a zit beard. I don't know why I do it every morning. My excuse is I log the points and I don't diet anymore. Probably same reason after Rachel goes to bed I house a couple candy bars. The last few weeks have been harder than most. The world is changing again, and in my weak mind i think my body is saying hey your not big enough yet! People still are forgetting about you! Wow, what does that mean? I don't know I'm not Freud. I think part of my size is linked to the fear of being abandon or forgotten. In my mind I feel like everyone has left me or forgotten me. Is that true probably not, but how can you tell the subconscious that? When you have so many weak feelings? Why did I always feel like is be taken or forgotten? What is that? It might explain a recurring dream I've been having. I'm in college still, but I either return from the summer or abroad and all my fraternity brothers have forgotten me. All there lives marched on without me. They even did a movie without me and it went big time. These were suppose to be my fiends how could they forget me? How could you do a movie with out Billy the Kid? I'm the perfect character funny, a little evil, mischievous, and love able. So how do you make a movie that goes gang busters without me? How do you not need me. Gabe and I have talked a lot over the last few weeks about how if u was in a tv show I'd be the season 1 villain but by season 2 I'd be working with the good guys as a reformed hero, and season 3 I'd be the anti-hero. Think Spike from Buffy, perhaps. Anyway. The question remains how could the forget me and not include me? So I think my brain translate maybe they can't see you. So I try to make it so I can't be missed. Think about the asshole. Isn't it sort of the same? Isn't all my hate, making and silent treatment a way of me just showing that it does matter when I'm their? Perhaps I need to see sue and hold palaver on this. Because I might just get it.

the Axxhole

the Axxhole

I want to write something beautiful, I just don't have it in me.  Maybe it's been too long since I've see my muse?  Maybe it's because you find out your the asshole, again?

Im on a journey of self discovery. I will find out the reasons I hold into my weight.  I come so far already.  Really I have.  I have so far to go though. It seems sometimes like a never ending journey.  

What I do and what I know right now is that I've been an asshole.  Sometimes I get so worked up in my mind I forget what myself self loathing may do to others or impact how I treat them.  I forget that I'm not the center of worlds just my world. Other people have there own lives, issues, and decisions to make and like there decisions they make are their own.  Just like the ones I make are my own.  They and it is they have their own paths to follow and their own towers to find.  

The point is when this happens you can't judge, feel bad, or angry, you can just be there and the path when then so long as they are moving in the same direction and well he there when if your ever asked for your opine.  Otherwise you just keep moving on.

It's taken me the better part of two weeks to figure that out.  But well here I am.  On the other side of KA and I'm getting it.  

Just like I get what an asshole I've been because I'm selfish, jealous, and basically have the mental capacity of a five year old at times.

I've always been an asshole.  The asshole in certain circles.  Lets be honest most of the time I'm being an asshole it's because things aren't going my way.  It's because I have perceived a slight.  I feel like I have been appreciated the way I think I should be. 

Yes that sounds about right.  It sounds like how the asshole in me operates.  I'm moody, temperamental, and down right nasty at times.  I can understand why I don't fit in some places.  45% of the time you don't know what person will show up Me or the asshole.  

I'm not writing this for pity, I'm not posting it for support, I'm writing because like i keep saying I have to understand what I am and why so I can change it.  

I know I can the asshole lives in side me.  I know I treat others unfairly.  I'm don't talk.  I radiate the hate, the fear, the loathing.

Some I'm value a lot asked me about the anger today.  Who it was generated at, And the answer isn't easy because some answers just aren't.   

The answer shouldn't be a shocker thoguh.  The main person I am angry with, is me, the asshole. 

End of the day, I am who I am and I am what I am.  I have alienated people for as little as making new friends.   I have ridiculed and teased people for no other reason than I felt slighted.   The problem is it's gotten better, but it still ain't good. At least I don't go into terror campaigns anymore like I did in elementary school and jr high.  I was a monster. I made fun of people restlessly.  It was total war too.  Start to finish.  It was all day every day and nothing was sacred.  I'd attack anything and everything.  I was the asshole.  Not a lot has changed except the name calling and to be honest has that really stopped?   No. I guess not, now I just do it in private.

So I'm angry with this person.  This me.  I expect better of myself.  

I'm tired... I ll try and finish tomorrow but... I'm out

The Asshole

My Right to Bear Arms!

My Right to Bear Arms!

I guess one you should never do in a crowded office, even if it is after hours is jump up and ask everyone in the office if they would like to see your right to bear arms!  Even when you yell hey everyone do you want to see constitutional right?  See we life in a world that is ruled by chaos, hate, and fear, so even when we don’t mean to incite panic and fear we sometimes do.  I think everyone who was in hearing range and saw me jump up out of my chair and reach to my sides stopped took a deep breath and said, who shit, this fat mother fucker finally snapped.  I knew his picnic was short on sandwiches but not this short. 

Also make no mistake that is exactly what I did.  After the big boss left, folks were here working diligently because god forbid we leave on time at this place, I actually jump up and grab my sides and yelled “WHO WANTS TO SEE MY RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS!!!?” 

People look up and over with big eyes and that is when I ripped my sweater off and gave them a pose down, see:

 

 

A HAHAHAHAH HA HAAAA HHHAAA HAHAHAHA HAHA MUAHHAAA A HAHAHA A HAAAAA HAAA HAAAA HAAA

"Bear arms... Bare arms... hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.... ah hahahaha ha ha ha haha"

I am not the clown prince of chaos, but sometimes I do have to unleash the inner Joker in me… see, today’s undershirt!

 

Ha hahahahaha haaa ha ha ha ha ha muahahaha

That’s right I have My Joker shirt on today under my sweater! Hahahahah today’s joke is who wants to see my inner Joker…

Ha hahahahaha haaa ha ha ha ha ha muahahaha

The bare arms joke, isn’t a billy b exclusive, I have to give props to my new hire Gabe, b/c when I told see how low I am in the laundry barrel, he referred back to a conversation we had the day before about bearing arms, and he was like, you showing off your right to bear arms.. So, yes, I recycled.  It is ok though.  We all use a recycled joke now and again.  hahahahaha haaa

But I did put my own twist on it…  I did get a great laugh out of people after their initial terror. 

It’s funny, even when I am down and have things going on in my life that are hard.  The inner clown always wants to show.  Perhaps writing isn’t my only gift.  Maybe the comic relief I bring ever day to the table is a positive.  I am not going to make it to see Sue today.  I just have to much shit at the office.  I will to see her next week.  So I am going to have to rely on the inner joker to pick me up to

Lies

If you tell a lie enough does it become truth?  Exactly how many times do you have to tell that lie for it to feel true?  At what point does the lie impact your reality?  Is it the point when you can’t look people in the eye anymore and when you tell it you have to look away?  I know about lying.  I do it a lot.  Well I make shit up a lot, not sure if that is the same as a lie.  However, I have told myself lies over and over again over the last 38 years.  The beautiful thing is with our animal brain and subconscious we eventually can learn to believe the lie.  If we feed the under brain enough of the lie and we rationalize it just enough to make ourselves feel good about it.  However, I think in our heart we still know it is a lie.  I have told so many lies in my life sometimes I forget the line of truth and lie.  Perhaps it is part of being a tail spinner.  Sometimes I am a good liar and sometimes I am not.  In fact one of the greatest compliments I ever got was from Lemonpeel Angel Fish here self she said to another team in training mentor “you know how you know that bill is lying?  His lips are moving.”  Strange I find that complimentary.  However, I think it is because I am a tale spinner.  However, we are talking about spinning tales right now we are talking about the lie.  The lies we tell.  The lie we tell our peers, or friends, or family.  The lie we hope to believe.  When you walk around with your head down and not looking at people, it’s because you’re trying so hard to believe the lie.  You want so bad to believe it is all ok.  Well it isn’t and it never will be.  You can’t build something on a lie.  Because even if you try to fool the subconscious on some level it will know it’s a lie and you will always know it is a lie.  So try, sit there and try to tell the lie.  Try it.  It will haunt you though.  Foundations built on lies aren’t solid.  So step one is to be honest.  God that terrifies me because I know for sure that I am not going to like what I see when I lift the lie.  Its time see things for how and what they truly are.  We can’t keep running from things.  We have to start running to things.  Does this resonate?  Does it make sense?  Do you feel this?  I think I do.  The truth is I am not ok.  I think I have made it quite clear I am terrified.  However, the world is changing.  I can’t stop that now.  I don’t want to.  I am not going to come out of this the same person I go in, and I know that is a truth. 

scared kid, scared man

“Walking through a grave yard,

Feeling like I am going to die,

Walking to be walking,

I don’t even know why.”  Billy b age of 13, Terror Bound, The Song of a Dead Man Cycle

“Nightmare, what’s out there scaring me?  What’s out there in my dreams?” Billy b age of 13, Nightmare, The Song of a Dead Man Cycle

 

I remember being a scared kid.  Afraid of what was out there, afraid of the things that go bump in the night, afraid of the dark, and afraid of needles.  Ghost stories where the worst.  Elvira, and the Hook Man, fuck you those scared me.  I don’t even remember the Elvira one.  I just know I was terrified of that bitch.  When I went to sleep as a boy, I would hold on to the bed so that the evil ones couldn’t get me and take me away.  Honestly my bed had these white things, and I would grip them for all I was worth and I was sure that when I closed my eyes, the Elvira, the Hook Man, Dracula, Jason, Freddy, you name it where all around my bed waiting for me to let go so they could get me.  What was I so afraid they were going to take me from?

I guess also, I believe that the only way to understand where I broke is to understand where I have been.  Apparently being scared is on that list.  The truth is I am still terrified but less of ghost and goblins and more of conflict, and not being accepted.

I don’t know I feel like most of my life I have been an outcast because of my weight.  Is that true?  I don’t know.  I guess it really doesn’t matter if it was true or false if it is what I believed.  So, I am afraid that is true.

I am afraid that the terror I used to feel will come back if I lose weight.  What if I became fat so no one could take me away?  I don’t know. To be honest, I am not sure what I am afraid of; I just know that I am afraid. 

What happens if I lose weight and no one loves me?  What happens if I become uber-successful and leave other behind? What happens if I become a bigger ass than what I am now?  What If I write a no one likes it?  What if I fail?  However, I wonder if the bigger question is what if I don’t?  What if I accept a less than ordinary life because I am scared of failing or trying or whatever? 

Worst, what if I am scared that I will lose my mind again?  What if I am afraid that they panic and anxiety and gods even worse the obsessing, the never ending worry and what if I can’t cope?  I will tell you the tale of me losing my mind.  I have too.  Again we have to break it all down.  I started to tell it last night with my first anxiety attack. 

It’s coming.  Slowly but surely, it is coming.  It’s time to be honest.  I am tired of being scared.  I am tired of regret.  I am tired.  I am tired of being scared. 

So, I firmly believe, I must look into my old fears and some of my new. Most of these fears are not rationale.  There were never any goblins dancing around my bed, waiting for me to let of the bed post.  

Fuck, I just hit a wall and have no idea what I wanted to say, there was a point to this…

 

perhaps I wil pick this line of thought up later....

Ka-Mai 2

Ka-Mai 2....

Life is a cruel joke.  

It's 8:30 and all three emails are off.  If people need me after 8 the cAn call or wait.  I'm a fucking accountant or whatever you'd call me.   No number I've ever given, had, or can get ever saved a life or will it ever.  Lets get real, there just numbers and frankly they aren't that important in the grand scheme of things.  The emails will stay off till I get to my humble little cube in the morning.  Just like it gets turned off on the way out the office on Friday and Stays off until I get to the office on Monday.  There might be a few personal emails but on the rare occasion someone needs me on the weekend they have my cell, they can call or text.

And that is it, I'm done talking about my job.  It's what I do.  I have to pay bills.  I'll do it the best I can for as long as I can.  Even with the new burdens passed onto me.  That's right more to do, you have to love change.  You have to love... Ehh it doesn't matter.  I'm where I am and from 9 to 6 each Monday thru Friday I'll do my job, I'll do other peoples jobs, and it will get done.  I'll adapt and so on and so 4th... Call me lazy or whatever... More to life than a cube and really I'm done.  I'm dealing w work.  I'll get by.  I always do.  The world will move on and I'll do what I got to do.  You always get fucked in the drive thru... And you have to remember look out for number 1, bc no one else will. So on and so forth...

The truth is I'm very angry, depressed and anxious.  The thing is anger, anxiety and depression is like any other sickness or addiction of the mind .  You can only get fixed if you want to be fixed.  I know this.  It's not my first spin on the wheel of fortune or walk on the proverbial wild side.

I made a statement a few weeks ago that I choose life and I do.  However I've also stated this journey will have lots of up and downs, strikes and gutters.  Some people will get it and some won't.  This is the way of things.  So, I will do what I have to do to get my mind right.  Not for the next job, girl, or whatever, but for me.  Because I deserve to take care of the body and mind I've been given.  

I deserve to stare down my demons and deal with them.  I deserve to dance in the field of roses, I deserve to make it to Can-ka no Rey.  

I know my work is cut out for me.  I know my quest is long and my ka-tet might not make it all the way with me.  We have already lost some.  Others will fall on the way.  It's the will of KA, so be it, and so on with life.  

If a this is a diary, or a journal it's not one of a mad-man.  Not in the traditional sense.  It's one of a man who knows he has to fix his mind.  So he can fix his life.

So, I must deal w the triggers that have made me hide in my maze of fat.  The labyrinth that I use to lock the real me away and replace with the mountain that types here on this page.  The mountain that has been to scared to stand up for himself his entire life, the mountain that thought it would be easier to hide in my fat, than else where.  I have to rip all of it

Down.  Burn it all.  Leave'em where they lie.  Total war so that I can have total understanding of what my body and mind need to get me happy and sane.  

I had my first anxiety attack when I was 10 to 12.  It was summer and we where at the Grand Old Oprhy and all the sudden I didn't think I could breath.  It haunted me the whole way back from Nashville to Shelbyville and I kept asking my mom if I was gonna die.  I remember it was awful and I was so scared.  I finally fell asleep that night after waking mom and dad at least three or four times.  Was that the beginning?  Was that the first slip of my grip on my sanity?  I can't say .  It was first of many nights over the next 25 years I thought my heart or lungs would give out on me.  It was the first but certainly not the last sleepless night id have.  It was the appetizer for the anxiety the would run rampant and rule my known life. The break down senior year, the anxiety and panic from freshman and sophomore year of college.  The obsession and the depression that ruled my junior year.  The rebirth and rapid weight gain after my senior year.  

Why?  What happened?  I guess that is what I have to find out. It all has to start their.  Or maybe before.  I was always a depressed kid .   Although, I always wanted the world to be happy and everyone to live that way. It's this type of contradiction that still rules my existence.   

Ok I just dozed off... I'm out. Peace!