About a Girl...

"I need an easy friend
I do, with an ear to lend
I don't think you fit this shoe
I do, won't you have a clue

I'll take advantage while
You hang me out to dry
But I can't see you every night"

- About a Girl, Nirvana



Here is the sad sick truth about his blog, I started it for a girl.  This whole thing has been about a girl.  Hoping by some hope that she would see that I was worthy of her.  I thought if I could document the changes I was willing to go through for her, then perhaps maybe, just maybe she would would love me the way I loved her.  So much has changed since I sat down and wrote a blog called "So it begins..."  That was 2013 it was another life, another time, it all seems like a distant memory or a dream.  

I would be lying if I said I don't still dream about that girl.  Sometimes the dreams are so intense and so real and then you wake up.  The dreams are always good, it is the waking up that is hard.  Then you by the time you get out of bed and let the dog out they fade into back of your mind and wait for another dream to come along to remind you.  The things we do for love, one of my favorite Game of Thrones charactors said moments before he pushed a little boy out of a tower window.  He tried to kill a little boy and I tried to write my way into the heart.  Hell, I have done worse that that trying to win the favor of a women.  I miss her smile, I miss her trash talking, but the world moves on.  

It started out for a girl, but it turned into something so much more important for me.  I think most of life's journines are like that aren't they.  They start out going right and then they swing back to the left.  I would not trade what this adventure had been for me. It was an unguided trip down the rabbit hole.  Where I touched some of the deepest and darkest places of my mind.  

5 to 6 years is a life time.  So many things change.  I didn't get what I wanted out of why I started this blog.  I have no idea where that girl is, at some point in time you have to let things go.  So, I didn't get the girl.  I also didn't get to my goal of losing weight.  However, I found so much more.  

I am not the boy I was when I started this journey.  My head space is so much better.  I have faced the voices that dance in my head.   I have found something much more important that what I started out wanting and looking for.  Something that will help me take the next step...  I think it is good to explore the origins of the things we do and the decisions we make.  Perhaps when you can look at things objectively you can move on from them and now face the real challenges and obstacles we face.

The truth is none of this was really every about a girl.  Not that I didn't love this girl and still do.  The issues that I talked about in this blog where all direct reflections on myself.  This was really never about anyone but me. Still struggling with the same issues I was when I first arrived in California.  I think some of our demons we never really our run.  We just find better ways to deal with them.