Gucking Foose....

Long has it haunted my dreams.  A creature so foul and awful that to this day I have not forgotten the horror i experienced at its presence. I speak of course of the Gucking FOOSE!  oops, I mean the Fucking Goose!

I will never forget the Day in Vasona Park when I was molested in broad daylight by a gander.  I won't forget the humiliation and fear that I still feel every time I see another goose.  I probably shouldn't talk about my want and or need to slowly destroy the entire population of geese every where. I surely shouldn't say when I pass a park an see a flock I have vision of me getting out of the car and machine gunning down goose, after goose, after Gucking Foose!  My war with them wages on.  Friend of animals, my left eye, I hate the fuckers, and I want them to burn.  I guess, I now sit here and realize if I was ever a super villain, my genius scheme would be to ride the world of this dolled up duck!

So, when I walked into the pet store today and saw that they had a goose, I knew what I had to do.
I had to buy it.

 I had to.  Then I know I had to I had to turn it over to the one creature on this earth that shreds and decimates stuffed creatures with such joy and pleasure, the one and only Shiner!!! 

I don't ask a lot of shiner, but I do ask, that she physically destroy this creature.  I want it ripped from its stupid beak to his stupid feet.  I want it plucked and then plucked some more.  I want it dead, I want its family dead, I want its nest burned to the ground....  I want ... I want to know just what in the fuck I am writing about?

I am sitting here waiting for my food to arrive, but so far, no food.  I did find the goose and I do want to watch puppy rip her apart.  I know that is awful, but I hate geese.  I am actually excited about the food.  Had three great dr appointments today and Dr. Oba seems to be in my corner and still believes that I can get the weight off without surgery, although, he does say, its a great tool and that I should try it if this new plan doesn't work for me.  So I am sitting here wondering where is my food.  Another friend warned me of small portions and that it might not be enough food.  I was like isn't the point, but also said, I can substitute it with other paleo things.  I mean my issue is getting home at night and eating the dinner.  I fall apart after 5 p.m.  Breakfast and Lunch I do ok, if I want to.

Friday is looking like my meeting with OA.  I am nervous, but excited.  I really need to do it.  Just like I need shiner to rip the Gucking Foose to shreds.  I wonder if people are going to go nuts b/c I have gucking foose stuck in my head now.  Foose!  Foose!  Foose!

it was funny on the way home I sent my roommate a picture of the foose that I got for shiner, and then told her my plan to watch shiner destroy it... she said that was weird, which prompt the picture of me eating the goose up top, and I said no, that isn't, but this is...  snapped the photo.. check out the fresh shave and a haircut... damn I am smooth, like the sand paper....

anyway... its time.... time for things to change... time to get better and move on...

For those of you who don't know here are some unedited Gooses Stories for you, I really should clean these up, could be a great comic strip for kids, no not kids, for like penthouse or something....  actually forgot how long they were... so perhaps around thanks giving I will have a goose week :D


The Story of the Goose

9/11/2006

At Coyote Creek Trail, there are many signs to warn you
about the potential dangers of the rattle snake. The rattle snake is a
poisonous creature in which a single bite could cause death. However,
if you are careful and see a rattler you can take precautions to let him
pass and go on about his business without him striking you and
therefore ending your life. At other trails there will be signs
warning you about the potential hazards of the mountain lion. The
signs tell you about what to do in case you run into a lion, and how
you can prevent running into one. As mentioned earlier, we at TNT are
blessed with fabulous coaches that have warned us about the other
dangers of the trail. Bikers are one such danger. Getting hit by a
bike (though most likely not fatal) could none the less be very, very
unpleasant and result in hospitalization, broken bones and/or other
general discomforts. Coaches and signs will also warn about poisonous
plants that must be avoided if you should need to go off trail for some
"relief".

The kid is all for these warnings. I mean, the last thing I want is to
come face to face with a hungry mountain lion. I am no
T-bone steak but I bet to a hungry mountain lion I would look
like a tasty meal at first sight. Now granted, I am a big guy and I
would give the thing the fight of its life. It would most likely bite
me which means I would have to bite him back, but at the end of the day,
the mountain lion wins.

Then there is the biker. It is their understanding that they "own" the
trail but getting hit by one would not be fun. I feel sorry for any biker that hits me going at top speed because they are going to get it as bad as they give it. There is no doubt in my mind they would need a new bike after that.

However, as appreciative of these warnings I am, and as much as I
don't ever want to get hit by a bike, bitten by a rattle snake, or
even wrestle to my untimely death with a mountain lion. I feel that the
park rangers who post these signs and the coaches that give their
warnings mean well. I do however feel like they neglect the most vile
and ruthless predator out on the trail. Perhaps they do this out of
fear. Perhaps these evil creatures have some hold or power over them
that makes them simply ignore the posting of signs or any verbal
warning. Perhaps they live in as much fear of these evil geniuses as I do.
Perhaps?

The vile creature I speak of is no other than disambiguation or in the
common tongue-the Goose. That is right, the Goose. These
creatures are so foul (no pun intended). To make things worse, when
there is more than one of them you have to use a completely different
word "geese". Let's take a nice duck for example. If you had
more then one you'd have ducks. When a group of vile gooses get
together they become geese. Oh the madness. Geese are without a
doubt the biggest hazard out on the trail.

It all started one Sunday morning when the kid decided to put in
twelve miles. He figured why not, the team was in San Diego doing
13.1; he should get up and do a little something on his own. It was a
nice warm Sunday morning in June, the sun was coming up and I was
feeling good. I load the camelback and the power bars and then
lace up the Brooks. I am ready, ready to go out and kick a little
tail.

I head out from Campbell Park and down the Los Gatos Creek Trail
towards Balzar Field and Los Gatos. I hit stride at the footbridge
and accelerated up the hill and under the interstate. I passed the
dog park with no trouble. I then passed the Gazebo and was still in
stride when I noticed a flock of geese to my right. More importantly, I noticed that the flock had made quite a mess on the trail and there was no way around that mess. I cursed the geese as ganders and my Brooks cursed me for making them walk through their droppings. But what could I do? If I invaded the flock, they might crap on me, and if I went around I might end up in the creek or out on the road (and that was not an option because I was doing twelve miles and I had to stay on course). So I walked through the mess they'd made of the trail
and cursing under my breath I passed the messy things. After I had
passed, I was only temporarily pleased because I realized that I would
have to pass through that way again and was not looking forward to
that at all. But hey that was 8 miles away and I wasn't going to worry
about it now. So forgetting the geese I walked on, however, when I left
I hadn't realized that the terrible things weren't done with me.
Campbell Park turned into Los Gatos as I walked. I was really enjoying
myself out on the trail. I really do love the Los Gatos Creek Trail.
It is a very peaceful place, and my mind was set at ease. As I
continued forward I realized I was coming upon Vasona Park and
getting ever closer to my turn around point.
As I was coming through the park I began to recognize that I had walked
through here a couple of times but always coming from the other
direction. I glanced over to my right and noticed that near the water
there were more geese. I just hoped they hadn't messed up the road over here as well. I noticed among the geese there was a family. Momma Goose, Daddy
Goose and Huey, Duey, and Louie geese. (Ok, so that wasn't funny, was
it? It never is when I try.) There were three babies, and if I truly
recall, there were probably a hundred more little ones among their
families. However, they did not concern me; it was the family of five
I was rapidly approaching on my right. When I saw the little ones I
thought ah, how sweet, a nice little bird family-nature at work-
and I forgot all about their relative's mess back in Campbell Park.

As I got closer, I was feeling really great. Here was this beautiful
nature scene on the right of me, it was warm outside, I was up and
moving and it was a great day. Then I heard it. It wasn't a quack
or even a tweet. It was a horrible noise, like you'd hear in a Steven
King novel, from a beast of unknown origin. It was a screech, sort of a
hiss. I was like "What hell was that?" and that is when I saw it, a
goose was heading toward me at quick pace, with wings raised overhead.
It made another one of those awful hisses and I moved backward startled,
this thing was almost upon me. It was squawking like a pterodactyl.
As I side stepped to the left, I heard another hissing coming from
in front of me. It was daddy goose and he was moving in with wings
up and beak open. I moved more to the left getting off the path and
into the grass when I heard yet another hiss behind me. This
must have been uncle goose coming up from the back side. It was a
classic pincher move and they had me boxed in. I can't possibly sit
here and explain the terror that I felt. I have often thought about
the end, how I'd go and never ever did I think it would be at the
hands of three angry ganders. If you have ever seen Jurassic Park and
remember the Velociraptor scenes, you'd know the position I was in.
I don't really remember what happened next, but I was off the trail
and in the grass and there were three winged beasts in hot pursuit
behind me and closing in fast. I ran. I must of. And I ran until the
hissing stopped, until I was free of them. I can't remember how far I
went, but I remember along the way, I came by other geese and they too
took up the hissing. I have never, ever been so scared in my life.

Needless to say, I changed my route on the way back and until
yesterday I hadn't returned to Vasona Park. I never spoke of this to
anyone, but when I would walk with my buddy Ken, and we would pass the
geese at the Gazebo, he'd notice a change over take me, and me not
only quicken my pace, but route us around the geese. One day he asked
me about it. I was confused and told him of my tale about being
harassed at Vasona and how I almost died at the hands of the vile
creatures. He laughed.

Since that fateful day in June, I have woken several nights after
nightmares of being attacked by vile hissing winged creatures called
geese. They surround me, hundreds of them, wings up, beaks open, and
hissing. They come on me and rip me to shreds. I noticed that my
walking (especially at Campbell Park) had fallen off a bit since June. I surely never went out to Vasona. I blamed things like getting new orthotics, and having
ankle and hip pain. I blamed bad shoes. I made all sorts of excuses
not to have to face the geese again. We even had a buddy walk at the
end of last season at Balzer Field. I lied and said I was sick (and no
the five beers at the black watch and 180 had nothing to do with that
sickness) so I wouldn't have to walk.

Then came yesterday's Mentor led training at Balzar Field. For those
of you who don't know, Balzar Field is near Vasona Park, and if
you have a two hour buddy walk, in which you go an hour out and an hour
back you can't help but go out into the park by the water. I had a
choice to make. Live in fear forever and make up some lie to tell my
team about why I would stay behind, or commit to my training and face
the geese again. In the end I choose to face the fear. I could no
longer hide from it. I have been training too damn hard to walk away
now and not get a great work out in, especially when I am up at 7:30am
on a Saturday. So, I walked.

I came to Vasona and passed the spot in which I was attacked. I was
so relieved that there were no geese. I walked on strong, with my
head held high. I walked an hour out and then turned to walk back.
The geese were an ancient memory. I crossed under 85 and headed back
to Vasona. I smiled and walked hard and strong. What had taken me an
hour out, I was cranking back in. I was going to finish those three
miles in 40 minutes. Then it happened. Out of the corner of my right eye I
saw it-a single goose walking up from the water. I stopped in the
middle of the trail as the goose stepped onto it. I clenched my hands
into a fist and popped my knuckles. It kicked its feet up, right one
first, then the left as if to shake water off at me. I moved my head slowly
to the right then to the left, again popping my joints. I did not
want this, but it was bound to happen, a showdown at high noon, me (the
Kid) versus this goose.

He took a few steps forward as if to size me up. Again, I can't
explain how gosh darn scared I was, but I stood my ground. I stared
back at the goose, as if to say, "That's right, it's me again and this
time I am not running, punk". He took a few more steps forward and
cried his evil hiss. For a second I thought I was in an Aflac
commercial. The goose's beak was wide and stretched out as he hissed.
At this point, I found my courage and took a step towards the goose.
Damn it, I was a half marathoner in training and I was not going to be
run off by the likes of this fowl, and yes this time I meant a
pun.

The goose craned its long neck at me, raised his wings above his
Head, took another step forward and let out another hiss. I had
no choice but to raise my hands and make like a vampire being
presented with a crucifix. I hissed right back at him and showed some
teeth doing it.

Think of the Aflac duck when he gets shocked or pissed and yells
Aflac, then you will know the terror I was facing down. He hissed
again, and took a step forward and right. I took a step to the left;
hands still overhead and hissed right back at him. Then he again
hissed and moved right. Then I hissed again and moved left. Then
back and forth, back and forth then back again until I was on the
other side of him. We'd made a semi circle. I thought about hissing
again, but instead turned and ran for my life.

In no time the goose was loose and on me. I felt his webbed
feet grip my shoulders and then I was falling forward onto the ground. I
landed on my back and the goose was on my chest. His beak darted
at my left eye; I closed it tight, hoping that I hadn't looked through
it for the last time. His beak met my glasses and it bounced back. HA!
I had forgotten about my glasses, and apparently he had too. He sort of
jerked back in shock, and I knew it was my chance. So I reached up
with my left hand and grabbed his left wing and flung him off me. I
am not sure what came over me at that point but instead of getting up
and running, I pounced like a tiger onto the goose. My hands went for
his throat, however was blocked by his feathery wings. He brought his
head up quickly and butted it against mine. His lighting speed and
quick thinking stunned me. The next thing I knew he had given me a
webbed foot to the throat. With that I fell off him and was lying
faced down on the grass. I felt a weight on my back and knew the
little bastard was on me. It was at this point my glasses fell off.
Then I felt a series of blows to the back of my head and neck and
realized he was beaking me. I was in a panic. I knew I was beaten.

With what little pride I had left, I rolled over and took a beak to
the larynx. The next beak blow was coming down, but I grabbed the
gander by his throat. He tried to hiss, but I was squeezing pretty
tight. He couldn't. I knew if he was able to cry out, I'd be under a
full on geese attack and my darkest nightmare would come true because
his posse would be on me. However, having him by the throat, I knew I
was in a power position.
Feeling a foolish sense of pride at having shut this goose up, I brought
him eye to eye and started to talk smack too him. I asked him if he'd
ever heard of "Kentucky Fried Goose" because he was dinner tonight. I
am sure I said plenty of other things about him, his wife, and
especially his mother, and there is nothing more degrading than someone
talking shit about your mom when you can't do anything about it.
However, it was at this point I suddenly saw black and then stars and
the evil thing jammed the tips of his wings into my eyes. I had to
release my grip and grabbed my head. The goose fell to the ground
and I then felt a sharp pain in my calf as the evil bastard bit me.
Bit me, I say. I went down on my back in agony. The next thing I
knew he was back on my chest and I took a flurry of blows to the right
and left side of my face as he put the wings to me. Then I felt him
jump off me and walk down towards my feet and this point he jumped in
between my legs and landed in my private parts. The damn thing had
gotten me in the family jewels. I knew at this point, not only was I
beaten, but humiliated. He came back up and stood by my head. Then
kicked me in the face and he told me that this was his house and I
shouldn't mess with his turf. I said I was just walking through, that
I was walking to save lives, and I wanted no trouble, just to walk,
and try to raise money to find a cure for blood related cancers. He
stared me down for a long moment. I feared he would kick me again
just for spite to finish my humiliation.
Getting that Aflac look on his face again he said, "Oh, well I had no
idea" and then with his right wing he reached underneath his left
pulled out a roll of money and then he threw $25 dollars at me "There
is my donation fool, if you'd said you were with TNT none of this
would have been necessary."

"It says it on my shirt?" I said puzzled by this strange conversation.
"I am a goose, I can't read."