A friend told me two months into my 38th year
that it was going to be my year. I think
in a lot of ways she was right. In this
blog or in person, I think everyone who knows me or has read me, knows that the
world changed for me last year. I grew
as a person mentally. I am not the man I
once was. I have come face to face with
a lot of my demons.
Though I have faced a lot and dealt with a lot, I still have
the one outlying question, what do I do about my unnatural relationship with food? It is clear food is my drug. I can’t just stop, I have tried. I keep looking for the reasons why I am
addicted to food. Was I not loved enough
as a child? Was I overshadowed by a more
dominant sibling? I am just a loser with
no self-esteem? Am I mentally challenged
and I need a villain in my life? Is it
because Pluto is no longer a planet? Is
it because the British Bulldogs lost the tag team title to the heart foundation
one Saturday morning before I went to bowling?
Perhaps it is just because I am terrified to make decisions for
myself? Or I feel there is nothing special
about me, so I need my enormous body so people notice me?
I was talking to an old friend who face timed me on
Saturday, a good friend, probably the best a guy could have ever asked
for. Someone who is more like the 3rd
or 4th brother you have than anything else. The one you can go years without talking to
but when you come together it just clicks, it’s not awkward, and it just picks
up from the last conversation and goes on.
My good friend has his own demons. He has his own poisons which he always goes
back too. He has been to the rehab and been clean for
two years. He looked great. He sounded great. It was frankly so fucking good to talk to
him. I found myself trying to explain my
addiction and why I ended up where I am.
I told him I had spent the last year just wanting to understand how the
train came off the rails. That when he
said “Well, man, does there have to be a reason? I am just and addict.” The words hit me like a ton of bricks. It just makes sense “I am just and addict”. The key I think is saying it, meaning, and
understanding it. Really understanding what it means to make the
admission. He was calm, cool, and
collected “I am just an addict.” I like so
many other things say this as a sign of KA.
It was as if my best friend form the time we first had class together at
the age of 10 was telling me to stop missing the forest for the trees. Stop wasting time looking for the reason and
get started moving down the new path.
Just get moving. Haven’t you
wasted enough time? I mean the great
thing about having a friend as old as this one is that he can say shit others
either don’t or won’t. He just says it, because
well sometimes it needs to be said. He said
go to a meeting. Try it. Get started.
Stop fucking around. Life is to
short and too precious and we aren’t getting any younger.
Now, comes the dreaded next step. Using what I have learned to my benefit. Focus on the first and only goal that matters
right now “Jeans in Jan 2015”. Well
Saturday, Sunday, and Monday didn’t go as planned food wise, but that is
ok. I am back now. I swam yesterday, I will walk today, and
again I am committed to no sugar, low carbs, no dairy, and just doing what is
best for me. I guess it is time to tell
my co-worker Kelly, I want to go meet her friend who has done OA, and get
moving in my 39th off to a great start!
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