Gobble to You Wobble…

Gobble to You Wobble… 

Sometimes, the need to binge is strong. You want it, you need it, because in the binge comes the quieting of the mind, if, and only if, it is for a single moment.  Food has always been your outlet.  You crave it, you want it, and you need it.  Feel unappreciated at work?  Eat.  Feel unappreciated for your ideas?  Eat.  Feel alone? Eat.  You woke up and had the courage to get out of bed today? Eat. 

However, sometimes you have to wonder if you don’t have the strength to overcome this.  Sometimes you have to distance yourself from it.  The want, the need.   You go and you hide from it.  Wanting and needing and seeing a binge in your future is not how you want to go into Thanksgiving weekend.  No, not at all.  However, you feel it in the air, in the water, and you know in your heart that something has changed.    

The desire is less and less as you wean yourself off sugar, grain, and dairy.  However, it is there.  It is sitting outside looking in.  Waiting for the moment when it can pounce back in.  When it can take control.  It lurks on the edge of your mind.  Waiting for the curse of your black heart. 

However, there is hope.  There is hope the Reaper can rise above this.  However, hope dwindles.  You have a 9 day streak of logging everything. Can I maintain?  Can I shrug this off?  Can I rise above and be something more than I ever thought I could be? 

Later…

I just walked.  Sweat is pouring down my head.  I was frustrated. I flipped my keyboard over and stormed out.  I was mad, but why?  Is there ever?  Is it years of repressing emotion?  Of not knowing exactly where you stand, or questioning who and where you are in life.  Was there supposed to be more at 39?  We have purged the soul, have we not?  There is more to tell, but then again there always will be.  We get the just of it.  Don’t we?

I walked hard! I have been walking harder and harder each and every day.  I can get back up to 3 MPH.  I am proud of that.  It hurts.  Don’t get me wrong, but I push anyway, and I feel the anger and hate melt away. 

I will push. I will push to be more than what I am today.  I have to.  The thought of the binge is gone.  It has passed.  You know turn your attention to other things.  To the Job.  To the story, Guardian at the Gate won’t write itself.  You turn yourself around.  You have to.  You let the urge to binge go.  You have too.

You relax.  You take a deep breath.  You remember you are exactly where you are supposed to be on your hero’s journey.  This is your trial of greatness.  For whatever reason, this is your destiny.  You know you are moving in the right direction.   The world is yours and you are just waking up and realizing that.  You are a new born, but not an infant.  No, you have the gift of knowledge.

You know your path, and you chose to walk it.  Some parts of the path must be crossed alone, others with friends.  After all is that not why you write.  Is it not to share what you deal with?  What burdens you so? 

So, you turn away from the dark, because you know that path and you know that path doesn’t hold anything for you but frustration, and there are no answers in the black.  So, you turn and realize it is late November.  The trees have all changed colors and your favorite weekend of them all is upon you.  You have 4.5 days to do as you please and what will it be this year that pleases you?

I think that answer is cooking.  I have found a new love in cooking that I never knew before.  It is all based on the premise, I don’t believe I have to eat and be repressed to be healthy.  I am following the paleo way.  I like to eat.  I like to eat good filling food.  If and when I eat veggies I want to eat them how I like them and on my terms.  I can do this.  I will do this, because I have lived my whole life for this moment.   I have lived to rise above and beyond, this time, this place, and this life. 

It is my favorite weekend and for the first time I go in stress free.  I go in looking forward to be able to enjoying my time away from the office in a long time. Because my work like the rest of my life is coming together and I am in control of it.  That is powerful.

So this Thanksgiving, I will be giving thanks to who I am becoming and what I am going to do over the next twelve months.  So, when I say Gobble to you Wobble, I mean it.  Eat well, rest well, and take care and give thanks.  Give thanks to every day we are on this rock spinning through this infinite galaxy.  I won’t Gobble till I Wobble, only because that isn’t who I am anymore.  I choose to count my food, to track it, and monitor it.  Then again, that is my path!

Have good Turkey and Gobble till you Wobble!!!!