Good Friend Bad

An email pops up on my phone, it is from one of the JerkDay whiners; they have so much time to bitch and moan about the charging spots.  Do they not work?  How can they sit around all day and comment on people who have charge for too long?!  And those fucking backpacks, there are so many of them.  I really hate them.  Oh yes I do hate them so. 

The email however serves us as a reminder that it is time to move my car.  Yes, every day at a 11 my charge completed and so every day at 11 I am prompted to go move my Snow Flake.  After moving Flakey I then engage in my twenty minute walk.  It’s really more of a waddle, the point is I move.  We take what we can get. 

As the email pops in, I find myself simultaneously annoyed and cheerful.  I am annoyed by the JerkDay fuckers, cheerful that it is walk time.  I even find myself singing in my head:

 “Gonna move my car and then go for a walk!

Just gonna get moving, not time to talk!

Moving my car and taking a walk!

Not gonna sit or talk!”

 

As I pass out of my boss’s office where I have taken up residency since he is traveling EMEA and the executive admin is laughing.  That is when I realize I am not singing the song in my head at all, no, I am signing it out loud. 

 

“Gonna move my car and then go for a walk!

Just gonna get moving, not time to talk!

Moving my car and taking a walk!

Not gonna sit or talk!”

 

Wow.  There is one thing in this world that is not good, that is me signing!  So laugh away EA, laugh away.  Of course I ask her if she likes my song and she tells me she does.  We laugh, and I turn the corner. 

 

Siri is standing there at Jill’s desk, I see her and she is reaching out to me with a hand full of napkins.  My first thought is “Oh God, did I spill something on myself and I look down at my shirt.”  My second thought is “Oh god, does she know I just popped a zit on my ear and is it bleeding down my neck?”  I have very thin blood after all. 

 

“I have a glass of water too!” Siri said.  I am not going to lie and I hope not to offend her as she is a dedicated reader of this blog, but, my first thought was “GOOD FOR FUCKING YOU!  I AM SURE THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE A GLASS OF WATER!!” 

 

Then Jill asked if I saw her IM, and I was like I didn’t see an IM.  Then they blurted out together.  “GABE THREW UP!”   I think I must have had one hell of a look of confusion on my face.  At this point they took a step back, figuratively, not literally.  They explained to me that Gabe stood up, and blew chunks into his trash can.  Then almost ran to the bathroom, or so they assumed, and was getting sick.  They needed someone to check on him.  They didn’t want to because they were afraid it would uncomfortable for him.  At this point I am thinking to myself and I apologize to both Jill and Siri in advance “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT, YOU DON’T THINK SENDING ME INTO THE BATHROOM TO CHECK ON SOMEONE WHO IS YACKING.  FUCK GABE WHAT ABOUT ME?  IT’S FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME!” 

 

I think my noodle was still trying to catch up with all that was going on.  “So, you two want me to go into the bathroom and bother Gabe while he is puking? How is that not uncomfortable?”  Again, anyone who knows me knows that I am anything but graceful.  I was fumbling around, this but I think my tiny mind was going in two different directions!  One was going to the car, to move it and walk.  The other was going to check on my buddy.  “So, seriously, what the fuck is going on?”

 

They explained again.  Siri handed me a handful of paper towels and then handed me a glass of water.  They didn’t want to make Gabe uncomfortable running after him when he was sick, and they thought I could do it.  I took this handful of paper towels and it was a mighty handful in deed.  I might as well have had the whole roll.  Siri ran over and got the glass of water and I took it as well.    

 

So see this, see this very well.  Me, I am standing there with a huge class of water in a clear glass, and a handful of papers towels.  I want to plant the image firmly in your head.  Because when I leave Siri and Jill and start walking towards the part of the building the bathrooms are housed on,  I am talking out loud and babbling on and on about “WELL, I GUESS THIS MEANS WE AREN’T GETTING A BURGER FOR LUNCH TODAY!” 

 

That is when I hear “Wow, a burger sounds really good!”  I look up and I will damned if it isn’t Monet speaking to me for the first time.  Let me tell you about Monet, that isn’t her real name, I have no idea what her real name is.  I know she is new in the office.  I know that when I look up from my cube and see her halfway across the floor going to talk to her boss, that she looks freaking HOT!  However, when passing her in the hallway and getting a closer look, it ain’t as good as ya thought, and actually it’s sort of a mess, just like a Monet painting.  As Cher once said in Clueless “It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess.” 

 

For the first time ever I locked eyes with this woman, and I pointed at her.  Yes, in the office, I am pointing at her, and I stop and turn and say “You know that is right, a burger does sound good!”  She looked back at me with her big doe eyes and then I proceeded to tell her “you just tell me darling, when you want to get a burger and I will take you.”  Still pointing right at her, the Rube was standing there but all he could do is what the Rube always does around a cute girl, and that is giggle, look at his feet, and act like he is kicking pebbles!  I say to him Rube; you make sure she comes and gets me when she wants a burger.  He looked up for a second, she looked and him, and on queue he looked back at the ground.  I noticed with the hand full of paper towels I was still pointing at this woman.  Now, look, I have used worse lines, and openings than a burger to strike up a conversation with a chic.  So, I was going to walk over introduce myself, and start a little chat, but then I thought about it, and was like “oh, um, Gabe is puking, I should go.”   Once again, I realized I said this out loud as I pointed at her.  I turned and strode on.

 

The bathroom was empty; however, I could see the far stall latch was slid over.  So I knew someone was in there but I heard no yacking.    I mean, I have been so sick before, I have gone and blown chunks, and then turned and burned while sitting down.  I think we all have.  So, I was hesitant.  I mean it had to be Gabe right.  If he was puking, he had to come to the bathroom.  If he had gone to the bathroom and it was empty but one stall it had to be Gabe.  At this point I am pacing between the door of the stall and the bathroom door.  What to do.  What to do. I didn’t want to be a turd burglar.  I mean no one likes to be bothered in the act of dropping a deuce. 

However, I had a handful of paper towels and a glass of water and Jill and Siri waiting for me to tell them how Gabe was.  So, I did the unthinkable.  I called out in the bathroom.  Gabe, I said.  Gabe you in there?  No response.  Now, I know I have frozen up from time to time when I was on the pot.  So, I was like, still in a hushed whisper, It’s me, Bill, and I heard you were sick.  You ok dude.  I was met with silence.  So, again I did the unthinkable, I went to the stall door and started to rap on it.  I gave it the ole, tap, tap, tap a rue.  Nothing.  Silence.  Gabe, I said again, you in there bud, you ok?  Nothing. So I walked out and waited against the wall opposite the bathroom.

 

Taking a crap is a private matter.  You don’t want to hear me talk about it, even though I do.  I don’t want to hear about yours, even though sometimes I am told.  It is worse at work.  It is sort of embarrassing and taboo.  You don’t talk about it.  You certainly don’t want your co-workers knowing you doing it.  Right, I mean seriously, we have all been there.  I know many of you readers are like, oh no not me, but hi, I am calling your bullshit, yes pun intended. 

 

So imagine being Five Finger Freddie Throng, sometimes knows as Frankie, sometimes as Freddie the Fish.  Image just taking your mid-day dumping.  Imagine being relieved you had the bathroom to yourself.  Picture it.  You did your business.  Then you are walking out of the bathroom and a crazed fat man holding a handful of paper towels in one hand and a clear glass of water in the other and imagine this guy grabbing you as you leave the bathroom!  I joke not here; I pounced on the poor guy.  I was like Freddie was that you in the far stall. I don’t speak quietly, I never have.  Seriously, tell me now.  Was that you in the far stall? 

 

Five Finger Freddie’s face went from relieved to red in 1.5 seconds.  I lit him up like a fucking Christmas tree in a town square.  I was in his face, asking him if it was him in the far stall and people were walking buy looking at us.  I am not sure when it finally dawned on me that if the bathroom was empty.  I was standing there waiting outside of it, and only Freddie came out that, then yes, this had to be the case, it had to be him in the stall.  It did eventually.  I apologized profusely.  I did feel really bad, and Freddie was really, really red.  I explained that Gabe was sick and I was on a mission from Jill and Siri, and that I had to find him.  Freddie said perhaps he went down stairs.  Hmmmm… I hadn’t thought of that, yet.  So, I went to the elevator. 

 

So, I will tell you a secret.  Third floor of our building doesn’t belong to my company.  It belongs to several.  So the 3^rd floor like the 1^st Floor has a bathroom anyone can access.  I often stop by the third floor when I have to go and the 5^th floor is full. I figure why go to one, when there is a perfectly good, less used crapper on 3.  I have shared with Gabe my secret office finds.  So I was sure, if 5 was full he would go to 3.  It made perfect sense. 

 

I exit the elevator on three as if I belong there.  When you are going to take a dump on another offices floor, I figure it is best to proceed with confidence.  I exited the Elevator with my handful of paper towels for Gabe and my cup of water in the clear glass.  I am closing in on the bathroom door, making the arc so there was nowhere else I could possibly be going.  When from the women’s bathroom a thing of beauty walked out. 

 

She was about 5’8 and her skin was the color of copper.  Her hair was black as the night sky and wavy.  She wore a black turtle neck that with long sleeves and it clung to her shapely chest.  Her skirt was golden with black checkers.  He stems were covered with black stockings.  She was truly a thing of beauty.  My heart skipped a beat. 

 

Here eyes met mine after she looked me over and we both smiled.  I said hi and she returned the greeting.  I was about to introduce myself as “Ken Ju”, I have no idea why I am more comfortable introducing myself to women under a false name than my own, and I have no idea what I would do if we actually struck up a conversation.  That is when I was struck by two distinct thoughts.  First, I was on a hunt for my buddy, and I had to find him.  Jill and Siri would be miffed if I didn’t because I stopped for the 2^nd time on my hunt to try and flirt with a woman.  I was starting to wonder what kind of person I was.   The second was there was no doubt I was heading into the bathroom.  None at all and I was entering with a handful of papers towels and a cup of water and then it struck me she didn’t smile, she giggled.  She was laughing at me because she saw this big fat dude walking into the bathroom room with a handful of paper fucking towels and a glass of water.  She probably thought what I thought at that time.  He is going to have a shit big enough that he needs paper towels to wipe, and apparently he is going to be working really hard because he needs to keep hydrated while he is doing it.  I started to babble the only thing I understood out of my mouth was “sick” and “friend”.  I had gone from white to bright red in less time than I had reddened Freddie the Fish. It was at this point I hurried into the rest room and hope to gods, I don’t see her again.  Although that skirt and legs, however I don’t think going to the bathroom with a glass of water and handful of paper towels is something you come back from.

 

I marched in the bathroom, and I kicked the first stall open.  No one was there.  I kicked the second one open and to my surprise it was also empty.  One, he must have gone down to one.  So, with my handful of paper towels and the glass of water I went back to the elevator, hoping the hot bronzed woman in the sexy skirt and tights would be no were to be found and I was lucky on this note.

 

Then finally landing on one the doors open and there was Gabe talking to the Doctor.  I walked up and handing him a handful of paper towels, and a glass of water and said, Siri and Jill thought you needed this and they didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.  He accepted them.   WE told the doctor we would see him later and we held palaver.  He was fine, just stressed and he’d had much caffeine.  I understood.  I told him of my trials on the way to find him, we walked, we talked, we laughed.   He was fine. 

 

However, I often wonder, what sort of friend am I.  So does this entire saga make me a good friend or a bad?  I mean, hitting on women, when your buddy is sick?  Stalking bathrooms and kicking in doors?  Ah, fuck it who cares… it made us chuckle..