We are at ground zero now.
Three hundred and sixty-five days away from the series of events that
would ultimately lead to me wanting to change the person who I am. Those events are in the past and with the
world I have moved on. I can’t sit here
and say it has all been easy. Most of
the time healing isn’t. There is lots of
pain at first. Then pain every now. Sometimes it is intense, and sometimes it
just there. Then you go into a phase of
lingering pain. Eventually the pain
fades and when you least expect it hits you and then it is gone again. Each time the pain comes back it is a little
duller, like a light bulb burning out, it will never be as bright as the first time
you turn it on, no longer how long it lasts.
I am better though and better than I have ever been. I am on my way to having the life I
want. I know that now. It isn’t just something I glimpse out of the
corner of my eye. It is something that
is real and in my face. I am now the one
who holds the keys to the car in one hand and the map to my life in the other.
We have spoken about so many things this week about what we have
to do to have a wonderful life. We know
we have to love ourselves first unconditionally. We know that we have to have faith our life
is out there and more importantly we deserve to have it. We know that we have to learn to accept the
love offered to us. Just because one
door doesn’t open the way you want. Just
because your love isn’t reciprocated the way you want, doesn’t mean that the
love doesn’t exist at all, we have to broaden our vision and see the entire galaxy
instead of just one passing meteor. We
have to cast aside our expectations about the person who we are going to love
or the live we are going to lead. It is
ok to look for things but once again we should never limit ourselves. We can’t be so laser focused that we allow
life, real life to be lived all around us while we are waiting for our dare to
be great moment. This is what we
know. However, now let us touch on what
I believe is the final thing I need to learn and do so that I can finally grow
up and find the love and the life that I want.
Embrace, nurture, and use the gifts that the universe gave you. I believe, no I know this is the final
step. I will be point blank here I have
three gifts from the universe, ok actually four, but some things are just too
personal for a blog. One will benefit no
one it is just being born with the curse of good hair. All I can do is wash, rinse, condition, and
repeat. Short or long, my hair looks
good. I accept this.
No, I jest, I do have good hair but it’s not the gateway to a
beautiful life. I am amused it has taken
me so long to come to terms with my gifts.
I always remember when I was doing eHarmony that I would always get a question
what are the best three qualities I had to offer a partner. Looking back, I realize now that I never
really answered the correctly. The
answer I always gave was my heart, my loyalty, and smile. All three things are good things. However, my heart was flawed. My loyalty isn’t really a good thing because like
a dog it is unquestioned and blind. My
smile? Well you’d have to be the judge
of that. My true gifts are simple: A
gift of words, and a gift of laughter.
I have an entire blog on the power of laughter. However we can all use a little bit more laughter
in our lives. How there is a direct
correlation between how happy we are and how much we laugh. I am quick witted and normally have comeback
on my tongue before you have even finished your thought. For every funny thing I say, there are four
other comments that aren’t funny. I
believe you just have to keep putting it out there. My humor is smart; it is dry, and not always
understood. It is also repetitive. There
is nothing I love more than beating a dead horse. I ripe on everything, nothing is sacred to
me. I believe I do this for one reason
and one reason only because when I laugh hardest and loudest is when I laugh at
myself. I am the punch line in most of
my jokes. I laugh hardest at the
mistakes I make. The stupid situation I
get myself into and the picking myself up after a fall, because I might be the
biggest klutz on earth and that is ok. I
always felt like I was supposed to change the world. I realize now that I do. Every time I make some laugh. Every time I give them joy and make them
smile. I have changed the world. So I will keep laughing at the world and
mostly at myself, if you will keep laughing with me. After all my humor is a gift and I must nurture
it and let it grow.
Whether it was as a jealous and mean spirited boy growing
up. Or as a witty fat man who has the ability to
say what others either won’t or can’t.
My main gift has always been that of words. It is a gift I have been scared to use for a
long time. Mainly because I was afraid
no one would like what I had to say.
That people would have another thing to judge me on. I realize now that I don’t give a shit what
people think about what I write. I know
my grammar is bad. I know that I use the
wrong words. However, the emotion is
there. The joy, the sadness, the highs,
and the lows it is all there on the page for you the reader to take it or leave
it.
I have been so afraid to write.
I was afraid I would offend someone.
However, not writing was not being true to my heart. That is a mortal sin in my book. It is me turning my back on my universe and
not listening to what it is asking me to do.
I could never be happy if I didn’t.
I had to talk about my broken heart.
My food addiction and my binge eating and let me tell you that ain’t an easy
thing to talk about. I talked about how
misguided I have been a lot of my life. This
is all what makes me. It is the good, the
bad, and the ugly.
I am not afraid anymore to be honest about my life. I am not afraid to admit that I have a
problem and tell you about the pain that it causes me. I am not afraid to nurture my gift. So here it is, this blog is me, and I am this
blog. I will keep writing because I know some where at some point what I say
will help someone else make better decision than what I made.
So looking back on the things I have said this week I can say I
am doing what I need to do. I am moving in
the direction that I need to go. For the
reasons I need and those reasons are finding the love and the life I need and
want. It is pushing myself every day to
the limits of what I can do. Every new
day begins a new chapter in a life I am proud of. I know we will get there. I know each day I get a little bit better than
the day before. Each moment in time we
leave behind our old life and grow and work towards the new one. The old alliances might be dead. The Black Reaper right has risen. Finally, I will say I am enjoying and will
enjoy every day and moment of my beautiful new life.
And…..
The Tower is Closer!
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