- Jason Wachob
"It's getting dark." He said
The person he was talking to looked around at the sunny august afternoon. He looked north, he looked south, and he looked east and shook his head. "It's broad daylight?"
"No not out there!"
He pinched his face and looked at the man in the dark glasses, all he could really see is his glasses, and his reflection in the mirrors of those dark lenses. “If not out there then where man? Where?”
The man in the glasses tapped above his glasses, not once, not twice, but thrice.
He had know what the man had mean before he ever tapped there. He knew because he felt it. He could feel it coming on. Like the first sprinkles in a storm.
He looked south again. He looked at rolling hills of the Sonul Grade and further down into the valley. He tried to smile and tell himself how beautiful life was. How beautiful this moment was. However, it didn’t matter how beautiful it was, though, he still felt its rapid approach.
He had hoped that a change in job would help, and it had for two weeks. He had hoped that turning off the information flow would help. It had had for a bit. However, nothing could really change his needy, nature. It was getting dark. The man in the sunglasses was right. It was getting was getting so dark it was black.
Never underestimate the power of the mind. I do and each time I do it is more than happy to show me what an insignificant little piece of the plan I actually am. A year ago on this night, I was larger than life. Not just physically, but emotionally. I knew then on that night in that moment that I was going to win. That I would conquer my demons, now, I say I will but I am not sure.
Of all people, I know best that the only way this works is if I can get my mind right. That only thing I need in this world is myself. I don’t need any social media, blog, or anything else to substantiate who and what I am. Then how come I can’t stop looking at my phone? Why can’t stop going onto facebook? Why can’t I just accept this is the way things are and we can’t ever go back? The thing that will really blow your noodle is f we could would want to.
As happy and content as I was then or thought I was. I can’t unlearn what I know. I can’t see I was living a lie. Just like from Blog to blog I can’t spin a lie. I can’t make you believe what I don’t.
I was broken. I still am. I was weak. I still am.
Fuck it didn’t used to be this hard to blog. I always had something to say. Now, I don’t.
Maybe, I am just tired of fighting. Maybe, I am tired of lying and not being completely honest. I know I am hurting right now. I just want the next few weeks to be over and never to look back. I want to be the man who I am supposed to be. The man I can be.
I know the keys to everything I have ever wanted reside in one place. Picture me tapping on my head right above my glasses. Because that is where the key is. That is where map is. I have to understand there are no answers in surgery. There are no answers in therapist’s offices. There is no answer in being Mr. Popular. Talk to as many other people as you want, it really can’t change a thing. There is only the validity you can hold in your own mind. The simple believe that you are worth it. That not only do you you deserve a wonderful life but you are willing to chase, find it and live it.
You have to take that small piece of knowledge and plant it in the fertile guardian that is your mind and let it grow. It won’t grow easy. It will take a lot of time to cultivate. You will have to work at it. You will fail. You will sit there and hit refresh on your phone 100 times hoping she will email you, or text, or call. She won’t and frankly it doesn’t matter either way. You will get frustrated and you will eat McDonald’s. It won’t help, but it will give you diarrhea. You pull up websites to order Pizza Hut, and then put it down, and try to order Chinese, only to realize that isn’t what you want. You will go get a Subway and know you did just a little better than before.
Each day you guardian will grow a little. Each day you will believe you are actually worth something. Each day you will to be a little bit better. Day by day you will realize you are the cure. You are the answer. You are exactly what you need to be.
You know you are on your path. You know depression won’t win, because we have beaten it before. We know the black won’t maintain its grip on us. We know this because it can’t. Nothing lasts forever. More importantly we don’t want it too. We choose to fight. We choose to live. This is our time. Our moment.
No, things can’t ever go back to how they were, for that time has passed. No, you can’t turn back the clocks of time. All you can do is unlock the key to your mind. That is our gift.
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