42 mintues till boarding

I hate SJC.  I have hated since the great billings fuck-up of Q1-13.... I will never forget how I felt that morning.  That is a long time in the past though.   A different life a different man.  I mean that too.  A different man.  I was thinking on this a lot as I am sitting here watching the masses hustle through the security check, waiting for my flight to PHX to board.  I watch htem be hurding through the line like lambs to a slatter.  I realize I don't want to travel today.  Not because I don't want to see my family but because jesus christ it is just hard for a dude my size to travel.  enough said.  Everything is hard.  Planes, trains, or automobiles it is all hard.  When did I become this mass of man that can barely fit into an airplane seat. I don't know and I don't think it really matters.  What matters is what is the honest answer ot the following question.  Have we made progress?  Are we on the path of the beam.  Are we heading to the foot of the Tower?

i think it is hard for anyone to say that I am the same person I was when I set out in September with the goal of saving my life. I think it is hard to argue that swimming hasn't take a residence in my life that walking, working out, or tri's never did.  So I think we definately have that in our favor. 

I think the pure and simple honesty i have had in these blogs and others have also shown how much I have changed.  I am not the same man who started 2013.  I am not the same man who sat in this airport in May expecting  to be fired for an issue who wasn't his but none the less always feels like his head is on the chopping block. 

Then why do I always get stuck with one thought in my head... "Everything the Same"

I know the answer.  Its because my body isn't chaning fast enough.  its becaue I still make bad choices.   I don't have focus and discipline when it comes to my food.  Although I am not eating terrible, I am not eating good.  So, no matter how hard I push in the pool and I am pushing.  Two swims this week, when I was sick and I was in the pool for two hours and for 6,050 meters.  Don't tell me I am not pushing.   however, you can't push for two hours and then not have good discipline in your eating and hope for the best at the scales.  you can't snakck all day on holiday snacks and hope that they aren't going to hit your waste-line.  you can't hope.  that is the thing.  you have to work at it.   you have to fight.  you hae to be willing to go to bed hungry or not feel stuffed.  That is a commitment I have not been willing to make. 

I think part of it is I am resigned to the fact, that like my mother before me, I am destine to get the Gastric Bypass.  I have hid from it for year.  however, I think in the back of my mind I have always seen as the only way this will ever happen.  which in my mind, means one thing and one thing only failure.  I am destined to fail.  I am destine to cheat and take the only wait out I can because i can't stop eating.

it annoys me.  i am annoyed and my computer is dying.  so this rant will have to continue at another time....

22/minutes till boarding...

My computer is dead... This has to finish on the iPhone.  

I should probably find my gate

19 minutes till boarding... 

Found gate... Where was I?

Oh yes feeling sorry for my self because I don't have a mind strong enough to push away from the table.  That I continue to make bad choices w food.

You'd think it wouldn't be so fucking hard.  It is though and I hate it.  

That doesn't mean we just give up though.  No it doesn't.  I won't quit.  Not my style.  I'm to dumb and obderant to quit.  So I fight on.    Becuase in the end this is all a mind game.   The powerful wonderful mind and a game I must learn not only to play but also to master.  So, that is my challenge for now learning to take on my mind.

Seasons Greetings from Billy b

Have not had much time to Blog this week, year-end,  I think I have bloggers block, is that a thing?  I probably won’t be on here much the rest of this year, if at all. Between the cold, the job, and everything else, you just run out of time.  The war rages on.  How did Axl once say it?  “But still the wars go on and the years go by; With no love of God or human rights; 'Cause all these dreams are swept aside; By bloody hands of the hypnotized; Who carry the cross of homicide;
And history bears the scars of our civil wars” We are losing more battles lately than winning, but we will keep the fight burning. 

If you don’t hear from me or hear nothing new, b/c I might be posting some old things I have written over the years, please have a wonderful holiday season.  Travel safe!  Enjoy friends and Family, and Live!!!!  Just Live!!!!  Happy Holidays Everyone!!!  - billy b –

Funny how often I have been at these Cross Roads J

Cross Roads...

01/16/00

I stand at a crossroads. Unsure how to proceed. Behind me I leave a legacy, a life many would be envious of, one filled with good family, good grades, good job, and of course good friends. However I come to the crossroads weary, tattered, I feel as if with all of my accomplishments, that so much has been left unfulfilled. Never have I tasted the love of a women, never have I had the joy of being able to get up in the morning and looking in the mirror and seeing the person I want to be, a thin man who has confidence in the road he is walking. I feel no sense of accomplishment, I feel ashamed, almost defeated and I stand at the crossroads of life.

I am not going to lie; I am a twenty-four-year-old dreamer that moved to California, not only for the beautiful beaches, and a great job, but also to chase the dream. Chase the one thing that my whole life I have wanted, not to be thin, or in love. Although these thing are high on the list, and I have done nothing but fail at both of them. But to write, just to be able to tell a story, and have people listen and say, damn that guy is deep. To talk and have other listen, to say what is in the heart and to share that with the masses, this is the dream I desire to chase.

The chase unfortunately comes down to a few random emails, from different points of view, one the dreamer in me, talking of the kid and his struggles in life. How he wishes to talk to beautiful girls, and work out and make himself better. The other a bitter man who is tired of the bullshit and who is a straight shooter and tells what he feels, explains his experiences in a tone only a few can appreciate and others scorn for his foul language and lack of respect.

Yes, of course there has been a chapter here and one there and then the thoughts. Oh the thoughts, that haunt me all day long, the ones I talk to myself about in the car. Playing the parts tweaking the dialogue, making the story come to life in my mind. The thoughts that roll around in my head like a bb in a coffee can. They are so powerful and always there, if only I could is down and share them. Put them into words so that others may enjoy a story from a person who wishes to be deemed someday as the ..Storyteller... 

I used to believe that we all had a story to tell. I look at the human race and feel badly. I think as a society we are to fucking concerned with what we are supposed to be and how we are supposed to act that we forget who we are. We become complacent, we become robots, slave to the machine if you will, we get up everyday and we go to our jobs, and come home mate, if we are lucky, and then do the same thing over and over again. Of course some how we find the time to bitch about what is wrong with the world and how ruff we all have it. We never take time to appreciate life. We never make the time to appreciate that we are and how lucky we are to be alive. 

Now I think we all share the same story, work, live, and die. So, I stand at a crossroads of life, and I wonder do I stay along the same path, get up go to work, come home, and die or I continue to the chase. 
I am starting to feel like I will never change the world. That I will just slip into the routine of life and be complacent with my place. Then one day I will die and wish I would of done all the things I am capable of, instead of standing at a crossroad and watching it all go bye. 


Just thoughts.

Billy B

Did I fail?

Did I fail?

Whenever you go off script, whenever you don’t follow through the question will come up “Did I fail?”  I am fighting my sinuses this week.  I really am.  I am one prone to the sinus infection and the post nasal drip.  This isn’t me trying to be funny or disgusting it is fact.  Every year since I was 19 until last year, I have had at least 1, at least 1 sinus infection.   I know the signs and symptoms, and “No” ISON it is not all psychosomatic and just happens when I go to Indiana.  This is what I know for a fact is when I was in the pool on Wednesday, I drank more snot than water.  The nose was a leaking faucet and it funneled into my mouth as I was pushing thru the boob stroking.  I can be sick right now.  I just can’t.  One, I have something planned for this weekend, that I wouldn’t miss out on for the world, and two, I have a fucking goal I have to get too.    Therefore, I refuse to be sick.  It is a state of mind.  However, when your body aches, and in the front of you head feels like there is a weight sitting on your head, the question becomes do you go out and push your body in 40 degree weather.  Or do you rest?  Two days I had swims planned I choose to rest.  Did I fail?  When do you know where the line is?  Between trying to take care of yourself and letting the voice in your head talk you out of working out b/c you just don’t want too. I am convinced that I would have gone last night if I was feeling tip top.  However, I wasn’t, was I?  My co-workers see I am exhausted.  I have pushed so hard.  My shoulders, arms, and legs are still sore.  I know I am pushing and working hard.  However, does the simple fact of the matter that I am sitting here questioning whether or not I was taking an easy way out mean that in fact I did?  Or does it mean that I am not strong enough yet in mind to know the difference between knowing the path and walking it?  I am walking the path.  I think about everything I put into my mouth now.  from coke, to cookie, to whatever I eat.  Every movement I do.  Like walking in building today and buckling my ankle on a rock.  That doesn’t happen when I am rested, it happens when I am fatigued.  Yes, I stepped on a rock and my left ankle crumpled under me.  My ankle is weak… but it weaker when the muscles are sore.   I don’t even know what I am writing anymore.  I guess I am asking for forgiveness or at least understanding as to why I took two days off this week.  I will still meet my goal. 

Boobs....t.....

Boobstroke or in the common tongue breaststroke.  Either way there is no doubt in my mind that boob night as Wednesday is now call my favorite day of the week!  It's an all breast gala in the swimming pool and it freaks me out!  especially with all my pulling and stroking how could it not!

For real though... I started doing breaststroke because it felt easy compare to free.  I used it on days when I needed a break.  It's not like that anymore.   It's become my preferred stroke and I love the challenge of being a fat man trying to perfect such a beautiful movement.  Plus it's killer work out on the back, shoulders, core and arms all are uber sore.  It just feels good.  Plus it helps me find a place in my mind that is quiet.  Which for man with a brain like mine is not normal.  Worries, betrails, conspiracies, loves, hated are all gone as the water swooshes over my head as I pull into the next movement.  Its almost a perfect calm and the harder I go, the more calming it is!

Last night I did 100 more than the week before and added in 20 sec rest between sets and you know what?  The 2600 meters last night was done 13 minutes faster than the 2500 non-stop from the week before!  Yes I'm really that fucking awesome. 

More importantly I didn't didn't hit a drive thru on way home!  I came home and ate my chili!  Then roommate made me a chocolate quesadilla weight watchers style!  I are in my points!

Focus is the word of the day! 2700 more tonight, lets go!

New Swim Schedule for year-end 2013…

I am struggling here people.  My energy is way down and I am so tired.  I actually skipped my swim last night.  I just couldn’t do it.  I felt like crap.  I don’t think it was an excuse.  I always worry that I am going to start failing all over again.  It was hard for me to go home and take care of myself but I did.  The night was spent trying to get warm and rest.  I have to get back on track tonight.  I can do this!

I have a plan to get us to 51,000 meters this month... This I promise. We only have another 31,950 to go. There are 20 eligible days for swimming left in the month. I guess in the year. Friday the 13th was to be a rest day but we used that yesterday.

12/21/13 I have to travel, so that day is out. I can’t swim after flying back east. I just can't.

While I am home, it is going to be hard to find a pool. Let's just be honest, I don't want to go outside a lot while I am there and I would have to try and find a pool. So who knows... I will look but I can't promise anything.

However, if I follow the schedule below, we should kick this in the ass! I like to kick things in the ass. That is just how I roll! Ass kicker.... Billy Baracus! I pity the fool who don't like me swimming! Anyway, I am taking things easy today.  I will do a pyramid of breast tonight… and hopefully shake this weak feeling and this sickness that has come into play. 

My roommate reminds me I am pretty much swimming two hours every time I get in the pool and that is a lot.  That I have to remember to rest and take care of my body and listen to it.  It is hard for me to do, because every time I take time off I think I am making an excuse and being lazy.  I am constantly sore, but I think of that as my badge of honor.  Its b/c I am working hard.  I need to sleep more and worry less.  What will be will be… Ka will show us the path.  It always does.  We just have to remember that.  I love what I am doing in the pool.  We will have to work really hard to start fueling the body properly.  Baby steps.  We are making changes.  Anyone who says “Everything is the same” is wrong.  Even me, I have to admit a lot hasn’t changed, but a lot has.  We are better and getting better each day we wake up and go out and fight the good fight.  Every time we set boundaries at work, and at home.  Every time we rain in the obsessive mind.  Every time we get into the pool and see the path of the beam we are better than we were.  Sending Mom Carol Weight watcher recipes today so that we can eat healthy when I am home, b/c normally the minute I step foot into Indiana all bets are off, I eat whatever I want, when I want.  I can’t do that.  I have come to far, worked too say fuck it and give up now.  I know the tower is getting closer.  I can feel it in my bones.  I am not the same man I was when I started this journey.  I will succeed.  I can and I will do this.  51,000 Meters in December not fucking problem, I just have to take care of myself first.  Always, me first.  Always!

Swim schedule as follows and work-outs by day:

Dates:	Meters:	Day:
12/10/2013	Rest	Tuesday
12/11/2013	2600	Wednesday
12/12/2013	2700	Thursday
12/13/2013	2700	Friday
12/14/2013	3000	Saturday
12/15/2013	3100	Sunday
12/16/2013	2650	Monday
12/17/2013	2700	Tuesday
12/18/2013	2600	Wednesday
12/19/2013	2700	Thursday
12/20/2013	Optional	Friday
12/21/2013	Travel	Saturday
12/22/2013	Look for a Pool	Sunday
12/23/2013	B's bday!	Monday
12/24/2013	Look for a Pool	Tuesday
12/25/2013	Holiday	Wednesday
12/26/2013	2000	Thursday
12/27/2013	2500	Friday
12/28/2013	3000	Saturday
12/29/2013	3100	Sunday
12/30/2013	2650	Monday
12/31/2013	2700	Tuesday

Swims on Monday’s:

400 swim IM

400 pull IM
5 x 50 free
5 x 50 breast
4 x 75 free
4 x 75 breast
200 kick im
10 x 25 free
200 cool down breast

Swim’s on Tuesday’s:

- 600 Warm Up breast/free

- 200 pull/kick free
- 200 pull/kick breast
- 400 kick moderate - fins
- 300 free        
- 200 breast    
- 400 IM Kick
- 400 breast cool down...

Swim’s on Wednesday’s:

50   – free

100 – breast
200 – breast
300 – breast
400 – breast
500 – breast
400 – breast
300 – breast
200 – breast
100 – breast
50   - free

Swim’s on Thursday’s: 

400      IM Warm-up

500      pull/kick breast
200      breast
500      pull/kick free
200      free
500      5 x 100 im w 15 seconds rest are next
400      IM Cool Down

Swim’s on Friday’s:

- 600 Warm Up breast/free

- 200 pull/kick free
- 200 pull/kick breast
- 400 kick moderate - fins
- 300 free        
- 200 breast    
- 400 IM Kick
- 400 breast cool down...

Saturday Swim:

Warm up:

- 4 x 75 - kick/easy

- 4 x 75 - pull/easy

Main Set:

- 1 x 50 - breast/easy

- 2 x 100 - backstroke/moderate
- 3 x 150 - breaststroke/moderate
- 4 x 200 - freestyle/moderate
- 3 x 100 - kick at hard

Cool Down:

- 9 x 50 IM Pull

- 150 easy IM

Sunday Swim:

Warm-up

 

1, 200:

1 x 400 (:20 Swim and drill mix. Do drills for technique practice for one length, then swim for one length, then repeat.

1 x 400 (:20 Kick. First 25 of each at a moderate effort, the rest of each is easy.
1 x 400 (:20 Pull. First 25 of each at a moderate effort, the rest of each is easy.

Take some extra rest if needed, sip some water or sports drink, and get ready for the main set.

Main Set

4 x 50 (:20 Kick. Desc 1-4. That means each kick is faster than the one before it.

1 x 100 (:20 Swim. Any way you want to do it.
4 x 75 (:20 Kick. The last 25 of each 75 is as fast as you can kick; the first 50 is easy.
1 x 100 (:20 Swim. Any way you want to do it.
4 x 100 (:20 Kick. The first 25 of each 100 is as fast as you can kick; the remainder of each is easy.
1 x 100 (:20 Swim. Any way you want to do it.
4 x 75 (:40 Kick. The first and last 25 of each 75 is as fast as you can kick; the middle 25 is easy.
1 x 100 (:20 Swim. Any way you want to do it.
4 x 50 (:40 Kick. Fast. All of them!

 Cool down:

1 x 100 Swim. Loosen a bit more, collect your thoughts, and you are done

TOTAL DISTANCE = 3,100

 

Note: December 26 the 2,000 will be figured out on the flight back from the Mid-west…  It will be an easy swim probably the same as the Turkey Day swim… 10 free and 10 breasts… god I would love to have 10 breasts on the 26th!

 

The Path of Beam....

So true... life is ups and downs... and no path is truely a straight-line...   I really know how this feels...  its a journey not a destination.  i do think I have found the path of the beam though...  basically in the Dark Tower Cycle the Ka-tet of 19 and 99 had find the Path of the Beam and then follow the Path of the Beam all the way to the Dark Tower!

My path to the beam is tile.  It is normally black, sometimes it blue and I look at it six days a week. Some times the path is 25 yards, some time 25 meters, or even 50 meters, I love it when it is 50 meters.  I love it! It makes me work hard and it keeps me honest.  I am on the path of the beam.  I am and my tower is closer....

The Path of Beam... Obviously I am on the path of the beam know as the Fish-Rat... becasue after all I am the Blackfish and I am swimming to the tower. 

Funny thing, someone told me yesterday meters didn't mean anything to them.  So they had not idea how far i was swimming and not being a smart man i had to go to the internet and figure it out. 

Since December 1, 2013 I have swam 19,050 and that equats too 12 miles, I have almost swam a half marathon.  Pretty fucking good right?  I am working hard people. 

As a matter of fact... I have swam 90,350 meters since October 1.... That is 56 miles  ... i was so excited about that I blurted it out in the SVP of sales office... he gave me a fist bump then blew it up.  That is prettty great.  right?  that is more than one way to the office for me... by about 16 miles...  that is like swimming from my house to San Francisco.  Or swimming from Indianapolis to Bloomington.  (From where I went to college people to the state capitol).   22 to laps around the Indianpolis 500 track.  18 football fields.  Two and half times across the english channel and finallys swimming back and forth from alcatraz to SF 8 times.  Assuming none of these mythical sharks get me or I don't die of hypothermia.  the point it is pretty fucking good!

We have to get better at the food.  I have too.  i have to log everything.  Even those little bars I eat from WW.  I am not doing my part.  How the fuck can you swim 56 miles and not lose weight?  its b/c I am eating better but not as good as I need too.  So we have room to improve.   However, we are better and we are on the path of the beam.  Every day the tower gets closer.  Everyday we are getting better.  Every day we grow.  I can do this!

Tonight

2650: 37 degrees and it's cold, but I'm committed, I'm getting in the pool. I have too it's what I do. It's been a bad day. Your annoyed and your cold, but you can't just not

Go. You can't quite now you've come to far, you've done to much. Lots of things are on your mind but your committed. You keep telling yourself that enough it must be true. Your foot still hurts from the flippers yesterday. You take off your socks and you have four blisters on your left foot. You don't care. You have to get out of the locker room and get into the pool. It's cold. You go. You jump in. You swim. You swim long and hard. Your in the pool 1:44:40 and you swim 150 meters more than you plan. You get made because you thinks it should take less time. You get frustrated but you talk yourself down you tell yourself it was an easy workout. It was supposed to be and you did it. So be easy. don t get to worked up. It was a good swim! So be happy about it! 

Tonight's swim:

400 swim IM

400 pull IM

5 x 50 free

5 x 50 breast

4 x 75 free

4 x 75 breast

200 kick im

10 x 25 free

200 cool down breast