200th Blog.... Milestone.. Wow

As I sit down to write the 200th blog, I am wishing I could really come up with something special. I really wanted to hit the nail on the head and write this powerful and beautiful blog. I'll be honest I don't have anything beautiful to say right now or anything special. How I wish I did.

What I know for sure is over the course of the last 200 blogs I've grown so much as man.  I set this blog up upon returning home from a family visit in the Midwest last September. Some would say not enough. Perhaps at times I am one of those. I don’t know.   

I am proud of myself. I'm facing all my hopes, dreams, and fears head on. That is all any of us can really ask for isn't it? I think yes. I'm not the same man who started this in the fall. To be completely honest since the start of August of 2013 I have not been the same man. I want to live. I choose life.  I want to be healthy and happy to have an amazing life!

I sat down and wrote up my positives from my last day of vacation. Also, I tried to set up some basic goals I want to do over the next 3 and 6 months.

3/5/14 Positives:

- up at 9
- played with dog for an hour
- swam 825 Boob Stroke
- spent three hours outside just being happy
- wrote blog
- cooked dinner
- ate greens and they were delish!
- walked dog
- set up time to see Omar, the fittest person I know, good shape and good mind, positive, can't beat that
- finished laundry
- cleaned room!

What a great day!

One of my goals for this quarter is to take an inventory of what is in my life. If it doesn't make me 100% happy, it's out. If stresses me or I can't trust it 100% it's out. It's time to make my world positive. It's time to surround myself with love, hope, and healing. People, foods, tasks, and places everything is up for review. Hell even this blog is on the list to be reviewed.

Goal 1is by June 30 I want to be walking 1 hour every day. Now I don't care if the snails are passing me. This isn't about speed it's about moving. I think for a former walker of halves that is a reasonable goal. Also it will help me with goal 2.

Goal 2 - spend as much time as I can with puppy! She's a life saver and while her mom is busy getting up to speed in a new job and working insane hours she needs a friend. I need a friend too. So it works. I know it sounds dumb but it's nice to have something that needs u and vice versa. I haven't had a lot of that. Plus I want to do this outside. The house and TV are boring. So I need to learn how to walk her good, and play with her. I don't think my yanking her tail is fun for her. :)

Goal 3 - be mobile. It's another one that unless you walked in my shoes you'll never get. However, did you know I'd rather drink McDonald's coffee than Peet’s? Not because it tastes better but because it's easier to go to a drive thru than it is to get out of my car. Sad isn't it? I'll tell u, yes it is. I got a big belly. My car is small. Do the math. I don't slide in easy like I should. End of August I'm getting in and out of that thing. Also I need to be more limber and agile. It's hard to pick stuff up. It's hard to go up and down stairs. It's hard to fit into bathrooms that aren't at my home. It's even hard to get out of chairs and the couch, hell even bed without holding on to something and pulling up. Shits got to stop! I have to get more mobile. I'm hoping Omar can help me with that!  I know the swimming and the small walks already are.  

Goal 4 - be positive. I'm trying. It is really hard to be healthy and happy and positive for me. I miss the comfort of being sad.  My soul has been corrupted.  I have lived in the dark for far too long.  I need to stay the course. I won't go down in history as a bitter fat dude. I won't. I need to meditate more, focus on the gifts of life and the passion I have for life. I do love to be alive and laugh! Laughing is a healing power! When someone tells me I'm the comic relief I need to take that as a good thing that I can make them laugh and not a bad one like I'm just a passing joke or a clown. It's all a matter of perspective! This is an on-going life change and goal.

Goal 5 - one green one fruit a day. Every day no matter what, I got to eat them. In tonight's dinner I'm having asparagus and I can't wait. I never thought I'd say that. I want greens! I have to add at least one a day, every day! Plus some type of fresh fruit. Even if it means spending 6 bucks a pop on the precut whole foods fruit! I love there berry mix! Whole natural food! Yum! So let’s get green people! This is by the end of August goal.

Goal 6: drink the sun, Everyday! Get out in the sun. Work in my tan, but more importantly drink it is vitality. We need it! I want it.  I am a sun junky!  I am totally addicted.  I could sit in the sun and do nothing but drinking it in all day every day!

I think those are good achievable things!

Oh, finally, everything I do. I ask myself one simple question: "how does this get me to my tower?" Or "does this serve my goals?"

I'm on a journey to safe my life! My life is getting more and more amazing every day! Come along for the ride!

200th Blog Special: My Biggest Loser Audition Tape, Special thanks to Meng on this one!

825 Hard 3/4/14 swim

825 Hard 3/4/14 swim

First I wish that the title meant I swam 825 all hard.  It doesn't.  It means I swam an 825 today (3/4/2014) and it was hard.

If you would have told me swimming 825 freestyle pyramid would have been hard last December I would have snickered at you.  I was man on a mission.  I swam and swam and I was awesome.  The world moved on.  I stopped swimming and the wheels came off.

That's ok though.  If life was easy would it be worth living?  If everything was given to you would you ever really appreciate it?  The answer to both are no.

My quest is pure and true and very hard.  I'm not looking for a quick fix or to drop 100 lbs quick only to put it on again and more.  No.  I'm searching for my soul and a life I can be proud of and that's hard.    Right wrong in different, whatever my quest is hard.  I must whether  the good and the bad.    

So back to this 825 freestyle pyramid that took me 22 minutes to swim.  It was tough.  My lungs hurt.  Every last lap of my 7 sets I played Barracuda Run.  What you say?  I played Barracuda Run.  Basically in the last lap of each set I swam a twenty five yards balls out.  As hard as I could go.  It's not as fast or as hard as it once was, but we will get there.  I kick in my stress mode or survival mode and I head into the wall before my final turn and say if I don't out swim it the I'll never see Robby, Anna, G, Ally, Brin, Brod, or Claire again, that Barracuda will fucking eat me.  So I go.  I kick hard as i can and pull more water and I get the heart rate up.  It's actually quite hard but fun!  It makes me go. Body starts thinking dude you not moving fast enough you have to get going or else.  So eventually my body will let the weight go.  Eventually my mind will say you can't be eating no in and out man or the Barracuda will get u.  Eat some greens and a grass feed meat.  Get your healthy on man!  We can't get eaten or we will never see our little ones again.  Or shiner or the beav or her or my wives 1 and 2.  You get the

Point and it gets me pushing.  

So my 825 was hard.  But I did it.

Anyway off to shower and get my beard trimmed!  Then to WF to get me something for dinner!

A busy day:

- up at 9

- breakfast

- played w dog

- pool 825 swim

- 1/2 hour hot tube

- 1 hour chilling outside

- beard trim.

- wrote 1 blog

- wrote 2 blogs

- wrote 3 blogs oh my

- cooked dinner.

- prepped dinner for tomorrow

- walked the dog

- harassed my roommate!

A great vacation day!

Let the Black Reaper Rise IV - friends POV

His friend approached from the back and marveled at the cartoon character on his left shoulder. The dark spiky hair, the whittle powder face, the black almond eyes, the purple slit that formed a mouth and the bolt of lightning that crashed through the right eye. He knew that face because he knew his friend. His friend had described him 1,000 times to him since the winter if 2014. Now here halfway thru their 40th year he wore it on his back like a badge of honor. A face that invoked fear and questions and that so few understood the meaning of it. He did though. Had they not been KA-babies together? They had been friends since their 9th name day was it not. Had their friendship not survived junior high, Geckler, freshman year roommates, and the time and space of adulthood? Yes. It had. He knew firsthand the dual nature of his friend. The high man and the low man, he knew his friend was a junky, and a depressant. Or had been? Do those things ever really heal? Or do you learn how to live with them?

What he knew for sure is the man in front of him had learned to not live but thrive with them. What was the final tally? Wasn’t it 247 lbs. in two years? Looking at his back you'd never had known. It was sculpted by the gods themselves. It was perfect.

Suddenly his friend took a large breath in and his arms shot out to either side palms up towards the sun. His head tilted up and his hair fell across his back covering that reaper. Now the only tattoos he could see where that funny symbol from the east that he said meant believe and the sun. That where painted on his right and left shoulder respectively.

What had Katie said he was out here doing? Drinking the sun? He saw it now in the upward tilted face.  He open and closed his mouth and swallowed as if he was literally drinking the sun. He would go-around and sit at the pool. He didn't want to disturb this ritual or was it meditation? It was something like that. His friend was always a bit different and to each their own. It made him happy enough to take care of himself. That's all that mattered! He remembered getting the email that was of this vision and a link to a blog too. There were too many to go back to read them all. His friend was in the middle of a change. He realized that it was time to grow up, follow his heart, and be good to himself. He had been writing ever since. Katie loved all his writing. He didn't read much of it, just had the wife paraphrase it for him. He just didn't read much. It was nothing against this old friend or his work.  Did he have three novels now?  Maybe it was two. 

Katie and he met him up in Nashville two days past and they went with him to give his speech at UT. He said it was his tenth speech this year and it was by far his best. He was getting a nice fee going around speaking about the benefits of eating natural foods and lots of veggies. About being true to yourself and what you love. About setting your mind to do something and you could do it. The message was powerful. He never knew the Kid could speak like that. Poog would have been impressed, hell he was. His words came from his heart and from his soul. He spoke much of being the Black Reaper and the rising out of the ashes. Coming above and beyond all his fears and hate, because that what his mind was set to do.

He looked at his friend. Still arms spread out and his legs crossed Indian style. His goatee only covered his chin. No mustache and his side burns were trimmed. It was good to see that face he knew as a boy. Not hidden by the beard anymore. Well this face was harder than the face he knew as a boy, thinner too. It was a face of a man who had a mission. He couldn't help but look at his friend’s chest. It was too seemed to be chiseled from marble. Fuck his abs where hard too. This couldn't be his friend could it? He was always bigger than everyone, he was the husky one. Not now the roles had reversed. He couldn't help but be proud of his friend.

Without really thinking he packed his chew. And it snapped his friend out of his ritual. He picked up his Oakley's and put them on. He stood up and picked up his towel and walked over. He hadn't noticed last night how huge his legs where. When he had talked about his power coming from his legs last night he hadn't really thought about it. The Kid always did have thunder thighs but this was ridiculous. I guess carrying around 470 lbs really was a workout in its own right. Katie had said he looked fucking good, and he did. If he didn't know how determined his old friend could be he'd say it was unreal.

However, finally putting his obsessive mind to work for him and that had changed everything. How did he say it? He had risen? He could rise above anything? That he transformed via his mind and soul. Sounded like new age bs but he saw the results in front of him. Fuck his brown hair was sun washed and long. He looked like a freaking surfer.

"I told Katie to tell you to grab me when you got home." The Kid said.

"We didn't want to disturb you. You looked well peaceful. It looks good on you!"

"Thanks brother!"

"Can I ask you something what do you see when you do that?"

The Kid giggled. Shook his head and reached onto the table picked up his water and sipped. "Do you really want to know?"

"Asked didn't I?"

"First I see me as I want to be. Doing what I love to do and being good at it. Then I picture each part of my body being the right shape, the right tan, the right everything. I see it and I fix it in my mind. Then I let the sun burn it into my mind and soul. The rest don't matter."

"Ya it does. The last time you was here you were running from something. Something about love and all the wrong reasons. I see you now and you are free. Freer than anyone I know. So, how do you do that?"

"I just see it. What I want to be. What I want to write. What I am. What I'm not. You are right. I let her go a long time ago. The stars weren't right then. Maybe they never will be. I'm not running this time. I'm rising! I'm complete, I'm one. One man not two and I don't need her, or anyone else to feel that way. I am free because I choose to be. I choose to be true. To my heart and my mind."

"Still haven't told me what you see though. What did you see over there on my patio? You talked about your process last night. Now I want to know what you saw. Tell me the stories that rattle in your risen mind. Go on now close your eyes and tell me what you see. Line when we was boys and in college."

The kid smiled.  His half smile. The one in which only his left lip curled up. He took off his sunglasses and closed his eyes and began to breathe in and out. He remembered this game as kids and he loved it!

"Come on what do you see right now?"

"Legions!"

"Legions of soldiers?"

"Yes and no. I see 10,000 strong. They are standing in ranks. They are men though. Not like we know. They are Methuselah. Legions upon legions of Methuselah."

"What the fuck is that?"

His friend laughed out loud. "God damned Tennessee red neck. Forgot you can't use big words south of the Mason Dixie Line."

"You liberal pretty man, just fucking tell me. Is that one of them terrorists or something?"

"NO! They are vampires you idiot, legions of them and they armed with katana blades and ready for war. These aren't any soldiers though. No they are the Knights if the Ajnin! They are the sworn protectors of the Empress of the Methuselah. The one who leads in the absence of the day walker and Aja.  But wait. These knights are on the run."

"The run? From what? What's an Aja? Day walker?"

"Shut up. They are out of place. They aren't in the empire, but with the High Counsel of the Hemog. That makes no sense. Unless? The 12 have risen and started to march across the empire!!"

"The twelve?"

"Yes the twelve. Twelve vampires that committed such awful acts upon their own kind, Hemog's, and men a like that they were doomed to die by the hand of the Empire. It's forbidden to kill another vampire. You would do it. There the punishment is supreme."

"Wait. Look at me."

The kid opened his eyes and locked eyes with his old friend. His friend was impressed. The life that was going on in those eyes. The fire. "Ya I guess you did. You gonna write that?"

"Ya just as soon as vampire’s don't suck anymore and are all pretty boys going to high school. Fucking Twilight."

They looked at each other and laughed for a while after that.

He sat back as his friend stood up and dove into the pool and started to swim a few laps and cool off. He'd probably go get his suite soon. Then have Katie start the grill.

However he decided sit and watch this man who had once been a boy he grew up with. A conflicted troubled boy who was always so dependent and needing of approval, that man was gone. That wasn’t this man. No this man was over it. This man had risen. This man was the Black Reaper Risen!

Enter Hypnos

I'm up.  

It doesn't sound like much.  However, considering yesterday it's a huge feet.

Call it a hang over from paradise, call it sleep deprivation, call it depression, lack of motivation, hope, call it whatever you, I call it whatever you want, I call it Enter Hypnos.

Hypnos, is the Greek God of sleep.

My day went like this yesterday!  Get off plane on Sunday.  Come home eat in and out.  Talk w Roomie and then go to bed.

You sleep soundless and through the night for the first time in a week.  It's dreamless as far as you know bc you don't remember any.  You wake at 9:30 and check your text and email.  Rommate has texted dog, walked, pee'd, and poo'ed.  You get up walk to door open and puppy comes running in.  You tell it night night and she goes and gets into bed.  You look at your email.  The only account on your phone right now is your gmail, you get excited you open it, it's from people for bikes, when did I sign up for that shit?  You close your phone and you mask up and then you sleep again.  

When you get up at 11:40 the dog wants to play.  She won't let you get to the door to go get coffee.  She is happy to see u.  It melts your heart a bit.  It's also a tad annoying bc you can't take her unless u do drive thru and you don't want m's.  You spend ten minutes trying to convince her you'll be back, but the wines and whimpers get the best of you and she gets in the car first and sits down in her seat.  Your not going to M's, so you say fuck I'll go to in and out again.  So you do and puppy loved the ride.  

You get on a work call about 1:30 bc your boy needs you and that is what a good boss does is support his peeps in need.  It's an easy call and he really just needs to hear he has nailed the issue.  Been there done that.  You check your email again, there is nothing.  

You watch some burn notice.  It's a good show.  You laugh to your self about the one time that boss of yours hired a guy who looked like Michael's mom.  It makes you laugh.  You think about the old days.  They weren't any better but the people were.  

It's almost 2 and you decide it's time for a nap.  You sleep peacefully until 4.  You don't want to get up but you should.  

You watch more burn notice and check your email.  Nothing.  So you watch burn notice till you get hungry and ask yourself  what is better for you pizza or Chinese?  You sat Chinese but is it?  Are you really hungry?  You order little hunan.  They got good food.  You go sweat and sour and rice bc that feels more island like.  Whatever the fuck that means?  It's all garbage.

You finish.  You feel like shit.  You do te worst thing you could do you start to think.  You don't want to think.  Thinking is bad!  

It's almost 9, you check your email and Facebook.  Nothing.  A few likes on some puppy pics.  You tell puppy it's time for bed.  So by 9:15 your back in bed, by 10 your in dream land.

Your up at 2:15 and you play on your iPad for 45 minutes wishing you hadn't eaten shit all day and wasted your time off.  You promise that today will be a new and better day.  We will get shit done.  We will have a good use of time.  You go back to sleep.

When you get up at nine you wonder about the fuck up dreams you had.  A work out challenge with your family.  Where your trying to explain to them that your not doing as much as them but your still movin and isn't that the point and they just look at you and say same old Billy.  Then you have a dream about the frat house.  You coming home and back to school but no-one respected you and no one saved you a room or a place to sleep.  They out you in with the losers.  Finally, the dream about a new pet.  It's a cross between a kitty and a puppy, and it turns red if you touch it to much like it's going to explode, only to find out it was sick bc it are your pink socks and the. Pooped then out whole, and your like what the fuck is wrong with me.

You get up and your realize maybe it's all been a lie.  Maybe nothing has changed. Maybe sleep and eat us all you know.  You don't want to be healthy, you just want people to think you do.  This isn't a relapse, it is just what you are.

You tell yourself that isn't the case.  You see the sun outside and long for it!  You need it, you want it.  You decide we will make a list and get shit done today finishing w the reaper writing.  Yesterday we rested bc Hypnos said we needed to.  Our enormous body said it was exhausted after travel and playing nice.  I have 3 days to myself and I can do whatever I want!  It's my time and my life.  I'm the only one I have to answer too.

I choose to figure today how to get better for tomorrow and the future.  Because that is what I love and dream of.  

I forgive you Billy b

So.

I'm not sure how this will turn out.  I wrote something beautiful yesterday poolside and in the moment.  

I accidentally over wrote it writing and email to a friend.  Stupid Maui Brewing Company and your delish selections of beverage!   In the moment writing is always more real and powerful for me.  Trying to recapture that moment 24 hours later never seems to work out.

Basically yesterday in the sun I went through a list of people I need to forgive and conversely ask forgiveness from.  I was able to forgive 98% of people.  Some people it's to raw and real, and things are in motion so if you don't know the outcome how can u forgive?  Anyway, I ain't mad at ya anyway.  That leaves the 1% and fuck it's a big one, no pun inteneded.  Because the one person I need to beg forgiveness from and forgive at the same time is me.

I got on a chair in the pool yesterday.  Water to my chest and stretched out as far as I could.  I drank in the hot sun and felt it in every cell of my vessel.  I sat there and said 

"Accept you unconditionally right now!"

"I forgive you for not finding your path to tower sooner.  For being weak and not standing true.  I forgive you for everything you took to personally.  Everything you worried about and held on tight too.  I forgive you Billy b, I forgive you!"

"Billy b will you forgive me?  For all the wrongs I've done to this vessel?  For all the times I took you for granite?  For the abuse food has done to you for 38 years?  For being weak of mind and soul?  For being angry and hateful!  Forgive me.  Forgive me.  I knew not then what I know now.  I see now.  I understand. I had to be dead so I could truly feel alive!  Forgive me as I forgive you.  Let our dual natures be one true person, lets relish in the time and this place and know we are changing.  We accept rebirth.  We forgive, and follow our path.  To our beam."

I never did that or thought to.  So Bill Burkle or William Bryan Burkle or the old Billy b if you will I forgive you and at the same time beg your forgiveness.   It was truly powerful.  

I think years of bad gunky, fat, fear,hate, and self loathing were released.  

And though I'm still a man.  I still feel anger, hurt, and betrayal, I also see a new path.  A new way.  I see that I'm in my change.  I'm accepting who and what I am.  I'm moving towards who and what I shall be.  I feel KA, KA like a wind storm rushing over and thru me.  

The world has changed!  It has become better.  Your heart and mind are free!  I'm free and I know it!  It's amazing'. It's good to be alive! 

The world is great!

I forgive myself Billy b, and I'm amazing!  Today marks the first day of the rest of my life and it's beautiful!

Beware the Ids of March (no video today)

Beware the Ids of March

I know the Ids is march 15, but what a great name for a blog on day 1 of the month of March

March 1st is always the same day of the week as that special Holiday on November 1:)

March is named for the roman god of war! I'm fighting a war!

March also rings in the spring some calendars is today some on the equinox. 

Either spring is the eternal symbol of rebirth! And I need to be reborn.

I'm gonna tell you a story. I want to do a video but can't figure out how to do it. So we will resume next Saturday.

I'm mad. I'm angry. And I know it's all my fault. How could it not be? I'm fat. Like orca fat. Like uncomfortable to move around fat. This is nothing new. It's a fact. For 37 years I was writing a swan song or suicide letter with my continuous weight gain. This is fact. I stopped writing that letter when I found this blog. I found a new path, and a new hope. 

So here I am. In paradise. I mean fuck it's beautiful here. So beautiful. I'm hear w good people and making new friends! I'm hopeful for tomorrow! 

These people are doing amazing things. Helicopter rides, golf, surfing, paddle boarding, swimming, work out classes, basketball, well just about everything u can do! I'm sitting by the pool. Why bc it's all I can comfortably do. Don't get me wrong I love the pool. I love lamping by it. Soaking up rays and being awesome in it. However I realize it's not enough. It's never going to be enough. And I'm not doing all that other stuff bc it hurts. Bc I didn't take care of me and I became a cripple bc of my weight. 

It makes me mad. So fucking mad! You realize u want and need more than an ordinary life, average, lame life. 

I want to go golf, run, hike and don't get me wrong I could do any of that for a small amount of time and I will today. I'll do a bit of walking and I'll walk the hill for the 3rd time. 

I want more. I need more is what I'm trying to say and in the month of march, the time of rebirth and new starts I start new.

I'm gonna do this!

I choose life! Health, happiness !

I let go of the bad gunky!

I breath and absorb hope and love!

I choose a life to be proud of!

And if I could video blog that's what I'd say!

I can and will do this! Next time I'm on the islands I'll be on the pics and you'll be like wow! That's the real Billy b! He has risen like a Black Reaper in the night! Like the sun does every day. What you won't recognize is the cleansed soul. Bc I release all the anger, heart ache, and bitterness. I forgive the world and it forgives me. I accept who I am and what I've been. I am forgiving those who wrong or I have perceived wronged me. 

Wow! What an amazing release! Foreignness. And though there is a few I am still having trouble forgiving, and they know who they are, they really do, I will in time. I will in time. I'm not a piece on a board. I never was and never will be. 

However releasing the anger at 99% and 100% for perceived slights, it's amazing. My neck just released all this tension! My heart opened up and my smile spread my face!

I'm opening my self to peace, love, and hope. 

It sounds corny but my gods it is needed!

Life is beautiful and it's good to be alive!

Come with me! You come with

Me and RISE above this! Ears have a wonderful life :) 

Video blog? Maybe don't know how to load from phone to blogger:(

Not a lot to say this am, well a lie.  Have lots to say but not on this blog.

Last night was a celebration dinner and I got props from svp!  It was nice.  The big boss even stood and clapped for me :). Feels good to be appreciated.  That is all I will say on the topic of office BS today.  It's my last full day in paradise and I don't want to think about what happens when I go back to work Thursay.  It's beyond me or my understanding.

I went the buffet this am.  I ate to much and feel gross!  Cheese Ommie, 1.5 waffles and lots of coffee makes me a full boy.  Hopefully the rain will stay away.  So I can sun my self, as the black fish who is a part time land mammal after all and when on dry land I require lots of SUN!

Dinner last night was amazing!

I didn't over eat and after staying at bar till one no binges!  That is good.  The kale  salad last night was fucking awesome and if I could get kale like that everyday I'd eat it!  

I got nothing feel at drift

Enjoy the photos!