Book of 2016
Page 7Busy day today! Not much rest for the wicked. Work was none stop and I just got home. Took the day off from walking.
Now I'm stuck watching making a murderer. It's very Interesting and crazy!
Tomorrow is Friday, YAY
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Page 6
Book of 2016
- Page 6 -
I just like what that says. Plan A's rarely work out and we must become adaptable. My plan A was to start the year sugar free. That hasn't worked out as planned. So, what do you do? for me I have been very keen on counting my points and eating as much Paleo as I can. For example today at lunch went and got some pork at whole foods and then added in some paleo carrots (they were grilled) and seasoned. Then I got some Paleo Sweet Tators and man where those good. So plan didn't work, so plan B is eat within my points. That way I am at least tracking to something. I think that is important. Not to just let myself go HOG wild. If I do that I lose.
AND SIDE NOTE HERE! HOW IN THE FUCK is in In and Out Burger going to add bacon to the secret menu. And if it is a secret why do I know about? Now all I can think is Billy b go get you a nice double double with bacon, b/c really that is what I need. A bacon double double... no no no... This news ranks up there with finding out that Burger King Delivers. Somethings you are just better off not knowing. For example I didn't need to know that Panda Express had orange chicken with bacon? Why is that good idea? how does that even make sense? Anyway side rant over.
If I don't at least hold myself to some standard then I will just eat and eat and eat. It isn't hunger that drives my eating. It is something else. It is like a never ending void that I can't put enough into it. No matter how hard I try or how much I add, it just never fills up. Why am I so empty?
Part of Plan A was no sugar and going to WW for fellowship. Plan B is follow my points until next week when I start a new challenge, but keeping going to WW for the fellowship. There is some aspect to this hole that is loneliness. It has to be. Some part of it is insecurity about who I am and what am I doing with my life. Perhaps pat of Plan B needs to encompass the journey into the mind and looking at the reasons I do what I do? We started that, do you remember? We went into the rabbit hole and things got better for a while. Then something, some how makes me slip and we we go back. Is that Plan A failing or is that just life?
I don't know. I read some where before one can lose wight one must first understand the issue that makes him or her fat. For me it is filling that hole. For a while my blog filled the hole. For a while my writing filled it. I reach out to friends all the time to chat to try and fill it. At what point in time does a man of 40 figure shit out? At what point does he pull it all together and become the person he was born to be? Is that Plan B or is that Plan ZZ. I am not really sure, but I am committed finding out.
I am enjoy this turning each page and writing. It gets me writing and keeps me writing and thinking about who and what I want to be.
I walked again this a.m. It wasn't a long walk but it was a good walk.
no idea where I was going with any of this... work got in the way....
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Page 5
Book of 2016
- Page 5 -
The Tire Incident
I was around Fremont when the conflict in my head began. Was it so much as conflict in my head or was it my pea sized bladder, telling it didn't think it could make it the 10 miles to the office. It had to be the later first, which started the conflict in my head that was do I stop in the Sunol Valley to piss or do I take it all the way to Dublin and run into the office and go there. Two bottles of water and a cup and half coffee combined with my pea sized bladder bring this debate up more and more than you would imagine.
So there I was cresting the Sunol Grade, and the battle in my head was going full tilt. Stop? Don't Stop? Stop? Don't Stop? The battle rages like this over and over and over again. By the time I was descending the grade and heading into the Sunol Valley, my mind was made up I was stopping and I pulled all the way over into the right lane.
I heard something. I am not sure what it was but it almost sounded like a whump/thump/whump/thump and it was at this time car darted to the left and shot across three lanes of traffic. Lucky for me my brother is a race car driver and I knew just what to do. I didn't stamp on the brake. Any fool knows that. Stamping on the break when one enters into a slide is bad for business. No, I didn't pump the breaks, what I did instead was look for open road and I accelerated. That is right I accelerated just enough to gain control of the car and get it heading back in right direction. Only one from a racing family like the Andretti's, Unser's, or the Burkle's can truly understand this the composure one must have to pull this off. And let's thank god none of the above actually happened.
Well except for the flat tire and the having to pee. I did get over in the far right lane, and I did for split second hear a whump/thump/whump/thumb but my car didn't jerk, I was just trying to write a good and interesting blog entry. When I realize the entire store took a paragraph I realized that perhaps I am not in the tale spinning mood tonight.
I didn't even realize that I had a flat until I got off the exit on Andrade and suddenly my warning light popped on and the diagram of the care and the four tires popped up.
I found a spot to stop and park at the Sunol Super Stop and I got out to look at my back left tire and it was full. I got back in the car and looked at the computer and it said back left tire. So I got out again and looked and that tire was full. It was at this point, I heard a long slow whistling. You know the sound a fart makes when you are trying to pass it off as a silent but deadly crop dusting, but it decides it is going announce to the world that you are letting one loose. You know that WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE whistling sound. Don't lie, you know what I am talking about it is the long slow fart sound, like a kid letting air out of a balloon. I walked to the front left tire. No long slow fart coming from there. Then I walked to the front right tire. No long slow fart from there either. Then I went to the back right and I will be damned if it was not flatter than my senior prom date. I thought well at least the computer got the part of the car right.
I panicked for a minute b/c I didn't have my AAA card on me. Look, I know what you are thinking Billy b are you really so lazy that you won't change your own tire? Well here is the issue the Volt was built to be light so it doesn't use much gas, or electricity, so.... basically they built the car not to carry a spare or a donut tire b/c it would make the car less efficient. So, I didn't call AAA to get my tire changed, I called AAA to get my car towed to someplace that actually had tires or could plug a tire. This was around 9:38. I called AAA and they found me in the system. I was relived b/c I was scared for a minute I didn't have a card b/c I was no longer a dues paying member. It turns out that wasn't the case the fact was they were still sending stuff to my old address in Campbell. So another issue I have to get straight. However, I call and they told me the tow truck would be there in an hour.
Around noon the tow truck finally arrived.
And we got Snowflake loaded up on her and taken off to Big O Tires apparently the closes tire place to where I was at. Although we passed a goodyear on the way there. Oh well... Look at me riding shot gun in the big rig.
So... around 12:30 I checked into Big O Tires, I have to add the Tires each time I spell that out, b/c every time I type Big O, I think of the scene from American Pie where the ugly curly haired chick I can't think of her name and Kevin have the conversation about never giving Vicky the Big O, and then I see her do the fake O face and I am like, ok, I have to call it Big O tires, anyway... tangent.
I checked in and the guy couldn't tell me how long it was going to be, b/c they were so busy, blah, blah, blah, but he said I could wait in the waiting room.
Look at those chairs. I was like ok, I can try. I started to sit down in the one closest to the wall, but when it started to squeak and what felt like buckle under the weight, I stood back up and walked over and sat on a box across the way. I sat there for an hour and I must have the most miserable look ever on my face. I couldn't think about work b/c I would get angry. I hate managing most people. I am not good at it, I don't like conflict,I just want people to work, and not be drama. I was tired and I couldn't really day dream. My phone of course b/c it is a piece of shit as soon as I sat down said it only had 20% battery, I shit you not it went from 55% to 20% from the time I sat down. So, all I could do was look around at tires. I tried to think some positive thoughts, I just couldn't. I am in a rut right now. I am not sure if it is the rain, or winter, or the flat tire, i was just sitting there wishing, I was at home in bed. finally around 1:30 or so the guy told me my car was finished. I have never been so happy to get out of a store in my life.
So that is page 5... well ok. It is not all of page five. I went to McDonald's for lunch after I left Big O Tires. It was the only place around and like I said I was in the funk and before I knew what I was doing, I was in line ordering a double double and small fry. I don't want to eat that shit. I have to be honest and say I ate it thought. I mean i guess if we get back to my health I have too. I was pretty disappointed in myself, but the truth is I didn't eat as much as I could or wanted too. So, that is a step ahead maybe? Is there a silver lining in any of this, could it be that?
I also walked again this a.m. I went for about 17 minutes I think, I will do 15 - 18 this week. Peak over 20 next week. then 25 and so on and so forth until I build back up my tolerance. or is it endurance? I it is endurance. I wonder why the don't call them tolerance events. I wonder if a drinking competition is an endurance event or a tolerance event?
I got to work, screen candidates around 2. And am closing up shop now around 11. Need to get home to watch some walking dead and get to bed. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up relaxed and refreshed.
I guess not everyday is going to be some inspirational day. Not every day is going to be a hug realization or win. Some days are just going to be days. My goal is to write as much as I can, learn as much as I can, and do the best I can. I know I have an issue eating when my emotions run high. I have to watch for that and see how I can curb it.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Page 4
Book of 2016
- Page 4 -
I am not going to lie today has been the hardest day of
2016. I know we are only 4 days
deep. Also, I know my problems compared
to others are relatively minor. I am so
tired today. I couldn’t get out of
bed. I just kept hitting snooze. From 5 a.m. till after 7 a.m. it was one
snooze after another. I am always so
much more tired on day that I do this. However, I did change one thing though,
before, I got up and showered, I went for a walk. Nothing special, nothing long, nothing fast,
more really of a shuffle, b/c I don’t move so well these days. I would say I put in not quite a moderate
level, but close.
It was out there towards the beginning of my shuffle, that
my mind started to drift. It turned two
weekends from now and what was to be my double dip at Disney in the Star Wars
Rebel Challenge weekend. Basically, I
was going to do half marathon and a 10k, and how at a doctor I didn’t even know
advice, I just quit.
I got really angry with myself. I wished I had not listened to him. I found myself thinking I should have
listened to Coach Janna. I should have
listened. I should have pushed; I should
have, kept walking. When the negative thoughts start in my brain, it is so hard
to stop them from steam rolling me. I
got set for the abuse to start.
Shuffling along, I actually surprised myself by not
particular dwelling on this. Sure, I was
disappointed. Sure, I was a bit
angry. Yes, I should have listened to
Coach Janna. I should have kept up with
my walking. I should have done a lot of
things in Q4 of 2015 that I didn’t do.
However, I realize now, that I didn’t keep going because I didn’t want
to keep going. That walking long
distances hurt like hell and I wanted an easy way out. What better way to quit than having a doctor’s
orders?
I see that now and yes, I want to get mad for quitting but,
what good is it going to do me today? I
can’t change the decision I made then and the reasons I made them. I can’t look back and wonder if I would have
only eaten paleo all year where would I be now.
If I had not gone off the deep end would I have not gained some weight
back? IF… IF… IF…
That doesn’t do me any good though. Did I have reasons? Sure.
Where there issues? Did some shit
in 2015 not add up? Where there
disappointments? Sure. The answer is yes to all of this. However, nothing can be changed now. It doesn’t matter how much momentum I came
into 2015 with, or that I faltered at the end.
It doesn’t matter that I didn’t walk.
It mattered then, but now, it just is.
It was the life I lead at that point in time. Sitting here looking back and regretting and
wishing for a different outcome is worthless.
Because nothing, nothing can change the past.
So, I pushed these thoughts out of my mind and
remembered. Dream it! Believe it! Achieve it! I thought about myself coming out of the
water at my next Triathlon, and being able to get back on the bike. My feet hurt.
I never changed the show strings and my feet hurt really badly this a.m.
but I pushed it away. I dreamed of a
walk where I have no pain. I dreamed of
wanting to get up in the morning and having a work out to do. I dreamed.
I firmly believe that dreaming will lead to believing. Believing will lead to achieving. It is no time to put my dreaming to work for
me.
So, good bye yesterday, hello now! So don't look back. there is nothing there for any of us. WE only have the path forward and the way forward!
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Page 3
Book of 2016
- Page 3 -
It started early. Earlier than I ever expected. I shot up in my bed and ripped off my mask and leaped from my bed, and I was holy fucking shit, I forgot my MEAT!!! How could I forget to put in my Kalua Pig? It is a 16 hour cook. I went to the store yesterday specifically for the pig. It is a 3 ingredient cook and it is so tasty and i forgot to put it in. How could I forget to put it in. Groggy, and mad, I belly flopped back onto my bed. I was angry, angry at myself. How could I start off being healthy and eating healthy this year if I don't make my food. Fuck! I put on my mask and was going to doze off. That is when my mathematical mind kicked into high gear. If I put the pig in at 5 a.m. then wouldn't it be done by 10? And don't I go to bed at around 10? It is Sunday and Sunday night football is on until at least 9:30. I popped back out of bed and headed for the kitchen, of course I forgot to take off my mask and I dumped everything on my night stand. Ipad, check! Iphone, check! Lamp, CHECK!, CPAP, that is a big CHECK!
It mattered little I had no time for that stuff. I ripped off my mask and head to the kitchen. I got out the Hawaiian Lava Salt, I got out the garlic, I got out the pig out, and the crock pot. i cut 5 little slits in the meat and i put in 5 cloves of garlic. Then I covered that bad boy with Salt and started to put in the pig. Then I remembered the Bacon, have to have the bacon! So, I got out the bacon, put down three strips in the pot of crock and then added my piggy! I started the crock pot and pig was on!
However, I couldn't stop there. Well, technically, I did stop there and went back to bed until 8 a.m. and then I got up and it was time to make a proper crock pot of chili. Two meat Chili blend with some jalapeno and tomato mix. It has worked really well in recent weeks.
Finally, I made some smoothies for breakfast, now I would show them but they look awful, a blueberry and spinach mix will do that to a smoothie. So, we have meals to start the week right!!!
I will today telling you this, when I go to bed tonight, I will be dreaming. I will dream about the person I want to be. Someone who is active, someone who eats the right food. Someone who believes these bad times are something that won't last. That the book of 2016 is a success story, with ups and downs, but ultimately ending with living ht dream that is me the kid in the green shirt. Losing weight and wearing jeans and laughing and running and having fun!
After I dream it I will believe it, I will believe the world is mine and this is my year. I believe that I am healthy and the man inside the fat will break free.
After I dream it and believe it, i will achieve, this time is mine! I will be healthy, I will change my life, I will keep pushing and I will achieve my goals, one baby step at a time.
Just remember those three lines and you can accomplish anything, Dream it! Believe it! Achieve it!
Lets go!!!!
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Page 2
The Book of 2016
- Page 2 -
I remember the moment when I decided this was not how my story was going to be. I wish I could have said it was when I was walking out the barn with Robby and Bobby have they had taken down a deer and I was struggling to not only keep up but not have a labored breath. Walking anywhere at more than a shuffle seems to put me into labored breathing. No it was sometime after when I saw this picture. I wish I could blow this up like I can on my phone. Doesn't look so good, the quality and the man in the photo
I look at that picture and I said that is one of my work outfits right now and look how bad I look in it. I go to work everyday in very similar cloths. Change the pants color and the golf shirt color but over all that is what I wear and I just can't over just how bad I look. I decided looking at this photo on my sister in laws phone that I would not accept this. That I would not end my story this way. This is the person I am meant to be. I know that is what I said when I came out guns a blazing with the buddy system to begin with. I made so many steps forward last year, only to fizzle at the end of the year. Where there reasons, sure, did I have a lot on my plate, sure, but at the end of the day, I just lost my way.
However, as the picture above says "This is not how my story ends!" It won't be. I am capable of great things, and I know it. I have seen it. I have walked so many miles, swam so many laps, and road so many routes. I can do this, and I will. I started my new story yesterday and followed up again today.
I didn't get up and walk like I said I was going to. I was just so tired, I slept until 7:30 and I had a meeting at 8:30 and I did make it to that on time:
I was cold and it was a very serious selfie.
I sat and I listened. I tried to interject. I contributed a few times. I am glad I went and I will be going back next week. I like the leader. She is funny and charming. Although, it was just me and a bunch of blue hairs. Although, I did bump into one of them at the store and she recognized me and said hi and it made me smile. I liked being able to find some fellowship. Which is what I was looking for.
I came home and went for my walk. it was a mile job. just over 20 minutes. My feet hurt. Stupid shoes. I have those pull string things in them and they are to tight. I have to change those tonight, so tomorrows walk I don't have feet issues.
Then I went to the store and got the goods. I got me a 5 lbs piggy to put int he crock pot. I got some meats for chili. I got some fruits and I am going to put a little big in the pot before I go to bed. I haven't had this piggy for a while so it will be good.
Today was a great day! Tomorrow is going to be even better!!!!
Friday, January 1, 2016
Page 1
The Book of 2016
- Page 1 -
I saw this yesterday on Facebook and I knew it was how I needed to start the New Year.
2015 was a year that was blessed with highlights but also crowned with low lights. I could sit here and tell you about some of the high points like hiring Chrissy, who has become not only a great employee but a better friend, or I could tell you about how much I love Star Wars, but 4 viewing in 8 days should speak for itself.
I could talk about being able to seat belt myself into the rental car in Hawaii, I could talk about my cooking and my smoker and all the progress I made taking care of myself
-Or-
I can look to the failures I endured during the year
Like failing to get into jeans in 2015... I could talk about the mistake of seeing a Dr. who I let talk me about of doing paleo diet. Who put me a medication that would cost m over 1,000 per month if I took it on my own. I could but over the course of a year aren't there as many of failures as there are as wins? Can one not look back and say they needed to fail only to understand the pleasure of winning
-Or-
For the first time here I could talk about for the first time I can talk about the man who brought me into this world and who was suppose to indestructible getting sick and having at least 6 procedures in as many months, with the latest being on the 30th of December. I could talk about the cloud that has cast over my life and the subsequent fall out on the family a sick patriarch has had. I could... However, i won't, all I will say is finally today the oncologist tell us today that he didn't think it was cancer. That was a relief and was the first huge win of 2016!!
These are all the things I could talk about. These are all the things and so many more were the stories of 2015, but 2015 is gone you can be sad about the people you did or didn't get to see in that year or the good things that did or did not happen. Because that is starting out on the wrong page. That is starting out looking back.
January 1, 2016 is no time to look backwards. It is time to look forward. It is time to write a new book with a new story, a story that will ultimately be my life, my success, and my well being. 2016 is the year I continued to fight and take care of myself. It is my 40th year on this spinning rock. It is a time of convergence in which I now only do what is best for me. We start that here and now on page one. Page 1 we say thanks for what we learned in 2015 and how stoked we are to be in 2016. We look forward and remember what my journey is all about and what I need to do.
this is my life and my time. It is time to accept what and who I am. On day 1 and page 1 was a day of rest and reflection, naps, and football. Most of all it was a GREAT, GREAT, start to a new year. A cancer free one for my Dad and all I can do is smile over that.
My life, my time... Page 1 is almost over and it is a great day! I don't know what Page 2 will bring... I know it will start with a walk, a trip to the store, and buying a big chunk of meat. I know it will be the rise of the Paleo diet in my house once again. Thanks Chrissy for the 30 minute cook book, it will be used. It will also start with an 8:30 weight watcher meeting, I must meet like minded people who are on the same mission as me. Get healthy and celebrate a long and healthy life and most importantly make sure the the book of 2016 reads like a classic life that everyone else will be jealous of!
................................ And the TOWER is closer.........................................
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