Fit and Living in Las Vegas: Day 1 - Back down the Rabbit Hole

I am a nervous flyer.  I always have been.  Well, that isn't true is it?  I was scared my first flight.  Until we started down the run way and then I remember breaking out into laughter.  After, that I was some where in the middle.  However, as I have grown older, I have become more and more paranoid about getting tot he airport and getting through security.  The more paranoid I get the earlier I get to the airport.  It was so bad that last night in holding palaver with Rachel and El Beav, Rachel joked about my flight today that she was surprised I was going to the airport the night before and El Beav just said he was happy he wasn't picking me up at 4 a.m. this time around to take me.  They got a good laugh out of it.  However, I spent the entire night stressing over waking up on time, packing my cpap, and wondering if Southwest was going to give me the same shit about the extra seat as when I hit Rock Bottom back on 4/20/12, it is with almost every time I fly now:

Prologue:  lost in transition: the story of a fat triathlete and his double down at pacific grove


Rock bottom

You never know when it will hit.  Six months ago I was celebrating the greatest triumph of my life.  Now I'm celebrating my worst.  On a weekend that was suppose to be great.   Now no matter what will be forever tarnished.

Look, I have been seeing this coming for awhile.  It's no surprise.  My body is telling me that something has to change.

I'm uncomfortable.  My stomach hurts, my back hurts, my hips hurt.  Everyday is gas pains and peeing after every sip of water.  Things have to change.  I have to become the
Man  I am suppose to be.

Rock bottom came at the airport, while checking into a flight to go to Vegas for a triathlon I'm not going to do.  Rock bottom came in the form of a worker for southwest airlines very politely informing me that for the safety of the other passengers and crew it would be best if I bought an extra seat.   That I didnt look like I would be able to get out of my seat without assistance.

I wanted to scream "Hey, fuck you, I'm a triathlete.". I doubled down at pacific grove last year.  However, that was six months ago.  40 lbs ago.  A different life.  A more comfortable life.  A life worth living.

Some where in the time since the greatest moment of my life and rock bottom, I lost my way.  I gave up on my life and goals.  Seemingly my tower was gone forever.  Or atleast that is how I've been living my life.

Smoking cigarettes?  Eating fast food three or four times a week?  Eating sweets? Eating bags of BBQ chips at a time.  All of this while paying for weight watchers.

You know all this is bad.  But what about not wanting to shower because it is hard work to wash your massive body.  When things that are as natural as going to the bathroom become choirs because of how much work it is on your body.

The guy at the southwest counter isn't wrong.  I do have trouble getting around.  I hurt.  I'm in pain.

Mom an Dad are pushing for surgery.  My doctor agrees.  I'm hesitant.  It's not what I really want.  However, it might be what I need.  May 2012 I go for a consultation.

What do I want?  I want to lose weight by training w TNT and eating whatever I want.  That doesn't work though.  We have been down that road before.  I fail.

Weight Watchers?  There was a summer I had so much success.  I believed in me.  I drank the kool-aide.

"but it hasn't worked since you joined up back in August?"

The question is it hasn't or I haven't?

What happened to me?  When did I quit?  When did my life become so meaningless to me?

I don't know.

What comes next?

Well, I make a choice.  I live or a die.  I've been dead twice.   I don't love it.  I'm sort of dead now.  I go through the motions of life.  So maybe I have died again.  On my third death.  I don't want death.  I don't need it.  I want life.  I choose life.

I will go to my appointment in early May.

I will get back on my points.


need to finish to finish at some later point, not sure if this is going any where (author note 4/20/12)

The man who wrote that was another man, living another life.   Rock Bottom was a long time ago.  The 40 lbs are gone.  I have spend the better part of 2013 and 2014 going into the rabbit hole and trying to find answers.  In November of 2014 I started doing something about it.  No more talking.  No waiting idly by hoping that someone else would come fix me. No, I took charge.  I had to much momentum to loose. I was charging forward and not looking back.  Then there was Hawaii and finding my old friend sugar.  Little by little it crept back into my life.  Since Hawaii I have only been about 50 - 50 on my eating.  I eat the fast food again, not much, not like I was in March/April of 2012 or even back in late 2014.  However, I do it from time to time and all this is thrown into my face each and every time I go to the airport to fly.  Each time I have two buy two seats so that I don't interfere with the safety of others.  

However, if anything the last week of April and the first weekend of May gave us hope.  Hope that we could be successful away from the house.  That we could be in charge of our own destiny.  WE packed four sets of gym clothes for the four workouts we promised to do while here. Then when we get back home there is the whole food challenge.  I am surrounded by hope.  I read the first entry from my blog last year when I was in vegas and it was called Fat and Loathing.

I toyed with all kinds of titles and things to say this year.  However, the only one that seems to fit is this... "Fit and Living in Las Vegas"  Because it is representative of who I am now.  Who I have become.  It is time to leave the passive aggressive mid-western behind.  It is time to become that man I was born to be.  I am not going to hold back or hide anymore.  I am going to say what I think and when I think and more importantly everything I do from this point forward is for the tower.  For the goal and for the life I want to have, not the one I have accepted which was less than what I deserved. 

I had a funny story to tell about going through security.  Well funny for anyone who wasn't me that is.  I mean how often do you get to see a man walk into the security booth and when he raises his hands over his head, his pants that are two big b/c they were bought some thirty pounds ago drop straight to your ankles?  Ya, you heard me right.  My pants dropped passed knees as I stood there with hands up, over head.  I told the TSA people that was going to happen, but they didn't seem to care.  However, I went on a tangent on this blog about the past and about fighting for the future. 

So maybe I will tell the full story some other time. 

However, I did get brought to the hotel, the Wynn in a limo.  That was pretty bad ass, one of the VP's for the company got it for us.  Pretty sweet. 

Then my room, which happens to have the number 22, and therefore is awesome, has a panoramic view of the mountain and gold course, I could have gotten the strip, but been there done that before. 

The wynn attached below:

 

The Buddy System: Reloaded

It is time to kick a little ass and reload!  Chicago was a huge success and now we are on to Vegas.  The wheel of Ka is turning and the Tower is getting closer!!!!  Really excited for the next 45 days and getting this ship moving in the right direction!  

Travel

Travel

In the airport, and it's the least favorite place to be.  Not just because of the under reason and that is my fear of flying.  The truth is I'm not a fan of flight, but that is neither here or there.  

Certainly, this fear isn't being named the Godfather for my two darling Goddaughters.  That ship sailed a long time ago.  I'm excited and proud to be their Godfather.  So it's not that.

The fear isn't related to seeing my family for the first in 16 months is it?  No, although I'm not as far along as I wanted to be, I'm better than the last time I am home.  I've changed.  I feel more in control than ever.  

I think the fear is simply the fear of being in my routine or in my house where I have gained total control over what goes into my body.  I lose control when I'm not there.  I can't just hold out till I get home where everything is Paleo.  

Hawaii I failed!  I failed after Hawaii.  I'm scared to fail again.  I've put on a few pounds since hawaii! But 5lbs isn't end of the world.  I have to suck it up Bc I can't hide for ever.  I have to step it up!  I have to be better!  I can be better.  I will be better.  Getting on tack means getting better.  I'm better!  I'm better everyday!  I've eaten a salad every day for the last two weeks, and that is better.  All we can ask is to get a little better each day.

Fear is a trick the mind plays on us.  Fear of failure is weakness begging to be acknowledged, well I do t acknowledge you!  I choose to succeed.  I choose to make good decisions.   I choose to be successful on this trip and the one in two weeks.  

I will do this!  I can do this!  I am doing this!  

My KA is with me and my tower is always getting closer!  

So now is time to rejoice and be excited to see the little ones and family.  It's time to take some personal time and breath and get back into perspective.  A successful trip to Chicago means building a successful road map for Vegas and the rest will just fall into place.

KA is my ally and The Tower is closer!!

Aw, honey, you baked.

 

The urge took me yesterday afternoon around 3 o'clock that I need to keep pushing the limits of my cooking.  If I have decided that my diet was good and right, and I have to cut back the bullshit.  I had to continue to get creative and keep pushing myself.  Plus, sometimes I just want to eat something sweet. 

 

So, I went to work.  First, I got out my blueberries.  They were frozen, so I had to thaw them out.   

 

Then I tried to blend the batter.  However, it came out a little thick!

 

I misread the directions.  Because I thought it was 1 cup of flour, but the recipe said only use a full cup if you are using low quality coconut flower.  I had no idea, if I was using low quality or not.  I was stuck and not sure what do to, I mean this was the first time I had ever tried to bake anything on my own.  so, what to do.  so, I decided I doubled the coconut flour, then why not double the eggs too.  And you know what I worked.  The batter turned out pretty darn good. 

I greased up my muffin tin, well actually, I think it is Rachel's tin, but either way I greased it up with coconut oil. 

And then, 35 minutes later, I had muffins!!!!!

They looked good and tasted ok as well.  I think I should have doubled all the ingredients not just the eggs and flour.  But still, they we pretty good for my first time out!

Dinner was fucking great!  Go Rib-eye and my new BFF asparagus. 

What I learned from a day and 1/2 of juicing....

 

The first thing I learned was that I can't stand the taste of juice.  The after taste is just to much for me.  I just can't do it.  So after a day and 1/2 I came off the juice. 

 

The second thing I learned was  I had a really good diet, and I turned my back on it for a weeks and I don't feel as good as I did when I was eating right.  Much like my life, my diet was pretty good.  So, I spent the weekend thinking about getting my train righted.  And understanding I was eating really well and losing weight.  I don't need to starve myself and drink crappy juice to do that.  I just need to keep doing it. 

 

I learned that.  I learned that I have to keep taking control of my life and do what is best for me.  I have to give up my arch nemesis sugar.  I am a different person when I am on the sugar.  I eat twice as much, I get over emotional and act out by eating more.  It is really a vicious circle and it has to end, so I'm off the sugar.  White Devil Powder! 

 

I also learned that I freaking love asparagus.  I mean really.  I ate it Friday night, Saturday night, and I am planning on eating tonight.  It is really, really good. 

 

So, I started my day off today with some pancakes and bacon.

I have a 16 hour pulled pig on.

I am still not very good at flipping pancakes. 

Anyway, happy day!!!

Day2: I remember why I don't Juice!

I fucking hate JUICE!!!!  Really, I had forgotten how much I dislike the taste.  There is an after taste.  I can't take.  There is just something about it.  I can't say.   

I am now a day and a half into the juice, and I am 99.9% sure I am going to break, and at this point I don't care.  I just can't drink any more of these thing. They are brutal.  I have taken to holding my nose and choking them down. 

Day 1 started off great, I got some much needed rest. 

 

However, I had to get up and make the Guzphaco...

It included onion.... I was not excited about including it.

But I did anyway. 

I was not sure about this juicing thing. 

Plus it is super fucking messy. 

However, I had to drink the Guzpacho....

And It was awful.... 

 I got through half of it.. and then...

I dumped it.... 

The dinner blend was not much better.  however, I did plug my nose and get this one down.  That and straws got me through the breakfast blend this morning. 

Still not excited about it.

 However diner last night was great!  Best Dinner I had all week.  

At this, point I have learned a lot about myself and what I need to do. 

The Decesion to Cleanse..

The decision to cleanse came quickly.  It had been another day that started off with hopeful promises of finding the peace that I had before I left for the islands.  However, high hopes were quickly dashed when I ran out of the house without my breakfast or lunch.  Though, I made the healthiest breakfast sandwich choice one could make on the way to work, it was not paleo and it was not a good choice.  Things only got worse when they brought pizza into the office.  I could feel my belly starting to swell as I gorged myself with three slices.  It was at the moment, I new I needed something drastic to get this train back on the track to chase down my goals and dreams.  I recently made a huge life decision on the basis I was doing it for my long term health, however, since making that decision I had done anything but be healthy.  Perhaps it was the stress of a major life decision . Perhaps it was just another excuse in a long, long, line of excuses for me to be bad.  To turn back to my true nature and binge like there was no tomorrow.  Perhaps it was the job, and the none stop pressure to hit out targets.  I don't really know, maybe it was a combination of all the all.  Or, or... some times and addict is just an addict.  Sometimes the comfort of being said is just so great, that you tend to revel in it.  So, you are paging through the net as your new hire runs to the ladies room and your eye catches an article about jump starting your diet with a 3 day juice cleanse and before you open the link, that you are going to do it.  Because you have to do it.  You made a choice, now don't fuck it up.  You choose to live, you choose a simpler life and for the first time in your life you put yourself above all else.  There is so much going on, that I some times don't know how to deal with it.  However, I did make a decision.  It was one of the most difficult I have made.  I have to move forward.  I can't wonder what might have been. I can wonder how some things might have turned out differently.  I just have to accept that things are the way they are.  That I am where I am.  I have to refocus on the dream.  The hope, and everything else.  I have been working so hard to get to.  So,  I reset.  I purge my body of and I do a three day juice diet to right the ship.  To detox from my old nemesis sugar and say good buy to him for good.  There is no place for that poison in my life.  This is my life and I can't go back to the old ways. I can't go back to being so fat, I didn't want to get up or get off the couch.  I have to accept things are what they are.  I can't change them, I knew the game going in.  I have to remember this is my time.  This is my life.  So, I choose to cleanse.   I choose to be the best version of myself I can be.  I chose life and I still choose life.  This detox will wake me back up.  It will help purge all my sins of the last few weeks.  It will also help me free my mind and refocus it.  I can't change what I cant change.  I can only take care of me, and push myself forward.  This is my life.

So, we make a shopping list, and we head out into the San Jose night and head to Trader Joe's.  We fill our cart with fruit and veggies...

65 bucks for a grocery cart full of veggies from TJ's, you can't beat that place.  It is fucking awesome.

And we start to make juice. 

and we make two juices, the morning juice and the mid morning juice. 

I just love this picture.   ha ha ha

and let there be juice!!!!

 

 

And so there is juice.  I will make the rest of the juices soon as the cleaning people leave this a.m.  Which I hope is soon, b/c I have to piss like a race horse. 

 

Here is to getting back on the path.  Here is to making out dreams come true!