Smoker Means Fire!

 "Feel my heat takin' you higher, burn with me, Heaven's on fire
Paint the sky with desire, angel fly, Heaven's on fire"

- Kiss, "Heaven's on Fire"
 
“Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn 
Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn 
Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn 
Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn” 
 

- Rage Against the Machine, "Bombtrack"

 


It was your average every day Sunday after a 21 hour Zombie Apocalypse binge.  I got up by 7, walked and feed the Puppy.  Went to the store and got stuff for chili, meat loaf, and muffins.  Went home, fought the urge to watch more TWD and turned on NFL Redzone. 

It is pretty typical for me to spend my Sunday on my bum bum during the football season, soaking in as much NFL as I possible can. Also, it is typical for me to have something in a crock-pot, grill, oven or smoker as well. 

So,  I debated with myself not only about the merits of watching the Zombie Apocalypse vs The NFL but also whether or not I should smoke the meatloaf or put it in the oven.  I would be lying to you if I said that the oven was my first choice if I was not worried the Zombies might some how find a way to get in my back yard. 

In the end, Smoked Loaf if the best loaf I make.  therefore, I decided I would smoke Zombies or no Zombies (Honestly, obsessed with this shit now and can't stop thinking about that show in case you couldn't tell).  So, after I did what I always do, I preheated the smoker until it started smoking, then I closed the lid and preheated it for 15 minutes.  Then I put my meat in it.  I set the kitchen timer for 1 1/2 hours and then I sat down and watch my Fantasy Team rack up 140 points (that is good in my league).

The timer goes off.  I get off the couch and decide to make my 2nd batch of muffins of the day.  As I walk into the kitchen to turn off the timer, I look out the kitchen window and  see that the smoker is only going at 100 degrees, which means hello dumbass u forgot the pellets. 

So, I got my meat thermo out and I went and checked the loafs temperature.  She was a balmy 165 degrees which meant she was done, and I in hindsight which is always 20/20 I should have just stopped there and been don with it.  However, I wanted to smoke it for another 20 minutes or so with the ketchup on the top.

So, I decided I would add more pellets and re-fire the smoker just like I always do.  So, I turned the smoker off.  I then added pellets, and then, I turned smoke back on.  The only difference between this time and every other time, is I decided to let the smoker pre-heat with Meat Loaf in it and turned the temperature up to 350.  What could the real harm be anyway, RIGHT?

So, I closed the lid. I walked back into the kitchen and I start getting stuff ready for my blueberry muffins.  I also set the kitchen timer for about 25 minutes.  Then I was busy blending my ingredients for the muffins and I decided to look out the window just to see and my jaw almost hit the ground when I saw the temperature on the grill was over 450.  I was trying to do the math in my head.  How was that even possible?  Part of me told me to let it go.  That is might just be running high because it was warming up.  Then I am like but if I topped it out at 350, how and why would it go 100 degrees over that?  It was also about this time I noticed the white smoke rolling out of the stack. 

I have never seen anything like it.  The smoke was thick.  Really thick and it just kept coming and coming and coming.  I told myself this shit isn't right.  So, I went out back and decided to turn the smoker off and unplug it.  Then I noticed smoke coming out of the pellet box and around the door. 

Not so good!

So, I opened the smoker lid and did what any reasonable person would have done and grabbed my meatloaf and set it on my actual grill.  Then I turned back and saw all this fire and smoke rolling out of the smoker.  It was crazy. 

So, I was like OK, I am going to close the lid again.  I didn't know what else to do.  I mean it is a smoker, won't the fire just die out? 

I went back in and went to work on my muffins.  Keeping on eye on the back yard.  And now more smoke was coming out and it was coming out in white with tinges of black plumes. 

I think it was at this point I realized I was in trouble.  I think it registered I had a full fledged fire going in my back yard and I got scared.  Really scared.  I didn't know what to do.  A normally some what crazy mind, but a rational one none the less, went fucking dumb, and as much as I would like to say i was calm over the next few minutes, I was not.  I lost my shit.  Only at this time and never again, I think based on this incident, the incident where I drove into the garage door, and falling and breaking my arm texting are perfect examples of just how fucked I would be in the Zombie Apocalypse.  I know what you are going to say, you going to say, but Billy b you took that test and it said would prosper in the apocalypse, but at work playing on facebook bill and facing the shit Bill are two different people. 

At this point the first thing I did was run to my bedroom and closed my bedroom door.  To stop the smoke from turning my bedroom into a snoop dog concert. 

Then I kept asking myself, hey dumbass, you have no fire extinguisher so what are you going to do about this fire.

Well, what was it the Beaver had told me to do with a grease fire?  Was it put flour on it?  No that couldn't be right could it?  I didn't know. I couldn't remember (for the recorded he said baking soda, but hindsight you know).

Do I call 911 and get the fire department here?

Do, I just wait it out and see if it spreads?

I told myself I had to put the fire out.  I had too.  It was necessary.  

So, I went to the kitchen, I pulled out two bags of Almond Flour and cut the tops off and I ventured back outside.  I also realize now that flour cooks and it was probably not the best thing to put on the fire, but hey, I was in a panic. 

So go out and I feel the handle and it is not hot, so I decide to pull the open the smoker door and as I do that, I hear this suck in of air and as I pull up the door of the smoker, I see flames literally jump all over the place.  the stack was on fire inside, all the grates were on fire, and underneath the grates as well.  I almost shit myself right then and there.

However, I did what I came out there to do.  I dumped flour all over the flames and all over myself and the back yard.  However, the smoke kept coming even though the flames died down again.  That is when I thought hey dumb ass, the fire lives on air, if you keep it open the flames are just going to keep coming.  So I slammed the door back down. 

I stood there being washed over by smoke.  I am not shitting you when it was all said in done I smelled like I had been camping and sleeping next to a bone fire. 

I realized, hey dummy get out of the smoke and close your living room door.  I cam in and shiner was sitting there looking at me, and her look was basically, Dude, lets get the fuck out of here.  But I couldn't go.  This was my home. That was my smoker and I love the fucking smoker. 

Still the smoke rolled out.  From the stack, from the sides.  At least it was no longer coming out of the pellet box. 

Then a thought hit me, if that fire spreads and hits your propane tank, your back yard is going to blow up worse than JPP's hand.  So I ran out back and grabbed both propane tanks.  Then all the wood pellets from the storage unit. 

Still, I stood there and thought what do I do.  What do I do?  I looked at Shiner and her look was clear, DUDE, Let's get the fuck out!

Still the smoke kept rolling out.  It was thick.  It was wicked. 

I told myself to call the 911.  Just call them.   Then I actually had this thought, can you believe it.  What will my neighbors say if I do that?  REALLY!  Did I really think that?  I was ashamed. 

However I was like you know what I can't loose my house.  So, I called 911.

The lady was very calm.  I am sure I was not.  She asked me if the fire was spreading.  I said no.  It was in my smoker and contained.  She asked me if anyone was hurt, I said they were not.  She said, would send the fire department. I said should I just go outside and wait on them, she said I should.

So, I finally took Shiner's advice and we got the fuck out.

I tried to Call the Beav, I tried to call home but go no answers.  I stood there and I could smell the burning and the smoker from the side walk. I kept thinking OMG what have I done.

Every now and then I would walk back in and check to see if it was still smoking and.. each time it was less and less.

That is when Captain something from the fire department called. He was very rational. He was like is the fire only in the smoker.  I said yes.  It hasn't spread. I said no.  I said the smoke is slowing down though.

He is like look I am here and I am ready to come.  however, if we come and hose that thing down it will only do more damage not less and if it is contained, then it should burn itself out if it hasn't already.

I told him and I made this call that I would have them not come and call back if the smoke hadn't stopped in the next few hours.  He said ok.

So, two hours later, the thing finally stopped smoking.  It finally stopped.  By the time El Beav sowed up at 6:30 it has started to cool down.

By this morning it was cold.

I don't think I will be smoking anything any time soon.  First, I am not sure if the smoker will recover.  Two, I am not two sure I should be around fire.

I don't know... all in all it was one hell of a scare.  I am exhausted today, I have very little in me.  The good thing is i am OK (except for being terrified of a zombie apocalypse)   and my house is OK.  El beav thinks the smoker will live to smoke another day. You have a look ...

finally, why is Shiner so Serious?  b/c she don't like fire! Just kidding that was pic from before the fire and she is just a serious girl with lots on her mind. 

Anyway, I am microwaving dinner tonight!

 

Not a blog

I got on here to talk about a year ago today.  To talk about what happened, how it happened, and why it happened.  However, I think given what has been going on in the world; I can spare the world some whining about the highs and lows of my eating disorder. 

 

Paris broke my heart on Friday.  There are no words to describe the atrocity that the French and humanity felt on Friday.  I have nothing inspiring to say about it.  I have no words of heeling.  I can just say it makes me very sad that the world is such a fucked up place.  

Then I started watching the Walking Dead on Friday night and somehow I find that very fitting show to watch with all the hate and sadness going on in the world.  I think it is a perfect look at the failure of man.  I have no idea how I became obsessed with the Zombie Apocalypse.  However, I have, I have been circling the Walking Dead TV show for the last year.  I think this finally came to a head when Fear of the Walking Dead started running commercials.  

I am a sucker for a great Post Apocalypse story: Cell; The Stand; and the Dark Tower Series are just a few that come to mind.  So, when I started thinking about the TWD, I figured I would probably like it.  So,  I told myself at 8 PM on Friday night I would watch just one episode and see if I like it, if I don’t or the Zombies scare me, then I won’t watch anymore.  Well, I finished season 1 about 1:30 a.m. on Saturday morning.  I not only loved the TV show, but I was obsessed with it.  I just couldn’t stop watching.  

Saturday became another 15 hours TV binge, only this time I wasn’t watching my normal all day college football bonanza, but rather all of Season 2 of the TWD and the first two episodes of season 3.  I was like a zombie but sitting on the couch in a trance.  The entire show, I keep thinking the lead character Rick just needs to keep his humanity.  He just needs to; he has to keep the dream alive of finding a place where in all the shit of what the world has come, that he could find some place for a good life.  With each episode you watch, you just see that humanity slipping away.  What a great show.  It really has me thinking.  

I am just rambling.  It seems like ever since I had my meds adjusted that is all I do.  I can’t really right anything because my concentration just jumps from one thing to another.  Maybe that is good from a mental perspective, but it isn’t going to help my writing career.

Matters of the Heart VIII: Stress Test

Matters of the Heart VIII: Stress Test

Probably the best news I have heard in a long time came from the Cardiologist today, when he told me I did pretty good on the stress test, and that since I have not had any pain in my chest other than the random flutter that comes and goes with having AFIB that he will not need to see me for six months. 

The stress test didn’t go as I wanted.  It is not the speed of the waking but the incline.  My hips can’t seem to handle it.  First progress, I was on there and going strong.  I felt about as good as I can, walking on a treadmill with no shirt on, in front of an attractive women who just dry shaved my chest.  Not to self, just shave your own damn chest when you go to the cardiologist next time.  What I noticed first and for most is that as I moved on the treadmill my diastolic seemed to be going down instead of up.  Seeing how my goal is to get that number down I thought that was a good sign.  I have no evidence of this, but hey I’ll take as a when.  My heart rate remained relatively low during the test as well.  Systolic blood pressure was going up, but at a normal rate.  The 2^nd thing I noticed was my hot little Russian accented nurse was doing calf raises as I walked, I asked her about this and she said she didn’t want me to have to work out alone.  I couldn’t help but laugh. 

I took the first three stages like a champ.  Then when we went into stage 4 around the 6 minute mark, I started to fade.  Not because my BP went up.  It didn’t.   Not b/c I was out of breath because I was not.  It was because my hips, my freaking hips started to feel like they were going to pop out of socket.  The 3.5 mph is not a speed I can’t do.  I have done it many times.  However, the incline, just killed my hips.  So, at the 6:34 mark, I called it.    

I was fucking pissed when I called it too.  I wanted to get to 1o minutes.  I wanted to max out my heart rate.  I wanted to push and see just how far I could go.  My body was having none of it.  I was visibly angry when getting off the machine.  And while there is no pass or failing really of the test, I felt like I had failed big time.  I could go walk outside for 2 hours and I can’t stay on the treadmill for more than 6 minutes. 

What I learned from talking to the hot chick and the doctor afterwards is that since I didn’t reach my max heart rate quickly was a great thing.  While he can’t be 100% certain there is no blockage, it doesn’t appear that this any.  He feels very comfortable with that.  He said the test was good and he was pleased.  I think I already said that but I am so happy, that my heart is doing ok, that I think I will say it another 15 to 20 times.  The doctor did tell me there was an abnormal rhythm to my heart but b/c of the AFIB that was to be expected.  He talked to me about an invasive procedure to kick start my heart and tries to put it back to a normal rhythm. 

What he said was most important to me was to lose weight.  Spoiler Alert!  As if we didn’t know that was coming and if we didn’t know that is needed.  However, he was very calm and nice about it.  He said look your heart is strong.  It shows you can put it under a lot of stress and you need to do what you can to get the weight off.  He said I can push hard in the gym.  I can lift weights, do cardio, swim, and you know do it ;)  He told me to do anything and everything I can to get it off. 

I told him about the medicine and about the gym at work and she said use them.  Do it all.  Do paleo, do weight watchers, do whatever I can.  He said JUST DO IT! 

I have been thinking a lot about that this morning and into the early afternoon.  I have sort of lost my weigh.  I felt like last November 15 when I went paleo, I found my path.  I feel like when I started to take this medicine, I lost the path.  I have tried to eat low fat items, with fake sugars or sugars in them and for me it just don’t work.  I am a junky.  I want to eat more when I allow myself to have the sugar.  Again, nothing new here and I have to find my way.  With travels coming up for a week in November and a week in December, I have to find my way. I have to find a way to eat less and move more. 

I know it sounds really simple.  And it is easy to say JUST DO IT.  However if this was easy, I would have spent the last 20 years lean and not morbidly obese. 

I know I can do this.  I think it starts with getting back to basics.  I know what those are.  It starts with me stopping every night on the way out of the office at that thing called the GYM.  I mean there is no reason not to b/c I have to walk by it every day. 

The craziest thing though today is simply this.   I believe again, that I have the power to change.  That I make my own reality and I can accomplish anything I put my mind too. 

So, it is time to “Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”

“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”

“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”

I can do this.  I will do this and the best thing is I am not doing it for a pretty face, I am not doing it for the doctor, my folks, or family, I am doing it for me because I was to feel better.  I want more appointment like todays.  Appointments where I leave and know the world is mine.  Appointments I can feel good about and want to talk about!

and what i did....

I didn't know I was going to gym when I turned of my computer.  There is no excuse not to go. I have to walk, yes, walk right by it when I am heading out of the office. I mean I could but I would have to maneuver through HR and walk by all the conference rooms to get to the front desk, only to turn around and walk back to the exit.  However, I went.

I road the recumbent bike for 20 minutes.  Well really for 10 minutes, then stopped for 45 seconds.  Then got back on, and road for another 11.

It was painful from the get go.  My hip was not happy with me.  My feet hurt.  I was uncomfortable, I begged myself to stop.  Truthfully, I got off the bike twice during the first ten minutes to "Adjust" the feet straps.  But I sat back down and kept peddling.  It hurt.  I peddled and it got easier and easier.  But it was still hard.

I am scared about the walking test on Monday.  What if something else is wrong with my heart.  I do have family members that tickers got off track at the age for 40.  However, I guess going and finding out is probably the best thing.

the last few months have been hard.  shit happens.  However, I have a wonderful 40th.  Spent with good friends.  The next day when I got to work, I had a great lunch with co-worker, no friends, and it was good.  They gave me a killer gift too.  So although its been busy, things are looking up.  And I need to step up.

I have to remember who I want to be.  The person inside.  The one underneath.  The one who believes with all his heart, there is more to life than coming to the office, and hitting a drive through.  I know this b/c I have lived it.  I just have start fighting again.  I know I can do this.  I know I can.

What did I say.  “Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”  


Maybe it is time to start cleaning the machine again.  No, it is time.  I am eating less.  There is not doubt about that, but I am not eating quality food.  I am not gaining weight, but I am not really losing weight either.  A draw doesn't do me any good.  Not when i am paying what I pay for medication.

I have a dream.  I dream of a life medication free.  Diabetes free.  energy .  Love.  Laughter.

I dream of fitting in places.  I dream of doing things others don't want to do.  I dream.  All dreams lead to place “Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”   

Tonight was a win.  We are getting better but we have so far to go.  But we are still fighting. we have too.

“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”  
 

what i should do

I should go ride the bike for 20 minutes.  I don’t want to ride the bike for 20 minutes, but I should go none the less.  I am only asking for 20 minutes.  You are 40 now.  Your time is running out.  You can’t live like you have been.  You have to get back on track.  Sure the medicine is helping, but eating sugar laden products is holding you back.  When was the last time you moved? Sunday?  You have a treadmill test on Monday and you are thinking about cancelling b/c you know how out of shape you have become.  You are not doing anything but waiting out traffic.  Work is done.  You’re done.  Go ride for 20 minutes.  Then fix your dinner and head south.  GO!  GO! GO!