Smoker Means Fire!

 "Feel my heat takin' you higher, burn with me, Heaven's on fire
Paint the sky with desire, angel fly, Heaven's on fire"

- Kiss, "Heaven's on Fire"
 
“Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn 
Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn 
Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn 
Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn” 
 

- Rage Against the Machine, "Bombtrack"

 


It was your average every day Sunday after a 21 hour Zombie Apocalypse binge.  I got up by 7, walked and feed the Puppy.  Went to the store and got stuff for chili, meat loaf, and muffins.  Went home, fought the urge to watch more TWD and turned on NFL Redzone. 

It is pretty typical for me to spend my Sunday on my bum bum during the football season, soaking in as much NFL as I possible can. Also, it is typical for me to have something in a crock-pot, grill, oven or smoker as well. 

So,  I debated with myself not only about the merits of watching the Zombie Apocalypse vs The NFL but also whether or not I should smoke the meatloaf or put it in the oven.  I would be lying to you if I said that the oven was my first choice if I was not worried the Zombies might some how find a way to get in my back yard. 

In the end, Smoked Loaf if the best loaf I make.  therefore, I decided I would smoke Zombies or no Zombies (Honestly, obsessed with this shit now and can't stop thinking about that show in case you couldn't tell).  So, after I did what I always do, I preheated the smoker until it started smoking, then I closed the lid and preheated it for 15 minutes.  Then I put my meat in it.  I set the kitchen timer for 1 1/2 hours and then I sat down and watch my Fantasy Team rack up 140 points (that is good in my league).

The timer goes off.  I get off the couch and decide to make my 2nd batch of muffins of the day.  As I walk into the kitchen to turn off the timer, I look out the kitchen window and  see that the smoker is only going at 100 degrees, which means hello dumbass u forgot the pellets. 

So, I got my meat thermo out and I went and checked the loafs temperature.  She was a balmy 165 degrees which meant she was done, and I in hindsight which is always 20/20 I should have just stopped there and been don with it.  However, I wanted to smoke it for another 20 minutes or so with the ketchup on the top.

So, I decided I would add more pellets and re-fire the smoker just like I always do.  So, I turned the smoker off.  I then added pellets, and then, I turned smoke back on.  The only difference between this time and every other time, is I decided to let the smoker pre-heat with Meat Loaf in it and turned the temperature up to 350.  What could the real harm be anyway, RIGHT?

So, I closed the lid. I walked back into the kitchen and I start getting stuff ready for my blueberry muffins.  I also set the kitchen timer for about 25 minutes.  Then I was busy blending my ingredients for the muffins and I decided to look out the window just to see and my jaw almost hit the ground when I saw the temperature on the grill was over 450.  I was trying to do the math in my head.  How was that even possible?  Part of me told me to let it go.  That is might just be running high because it was warming up.  Then I am like but if I topped it out at 350, how and why would it go 100 degrees over that?  It was also about this time I noticed the white smoke rolling out of the stack. 

I have never seen anything like it.  The smoke was thick.  Really thick and it just kept coming and coming and coming.  I told myself this shit isn't right.  So, I went out back and decided to turn the smoker off and unplug it.  Then I noticed smoke coming out of the pellet box and around the door. 

Not so good!

So, I opened the smoker lid and did what any reasonable person would have done and grabbed my meatloaf and set it on my actual grill.  Then I turned back and saw all this fire and smoke rolling out of the smoker.  It was crazy. 

So, I was like OK, I am going to close the lid again.  I didn't know what else to do.  I mean it is a smoker, won't the fire just die out? 

I went back in and went to work on my muffins.  Keeping on eye on the back yard.  And now more smoke was coming out and it was coming out in white with tinges of black plumes. 

I think it was at this point I realized I was in trouble.  I think it registered I had a full fledged fire going in my back yard and I got scared.  Really scared.  I didn't know what to do.  A normally some what crazy mind, but a rational one none the less, went fucking dumb, and as much as I would like to say i was calm over the next few minutes, I was not.  I lost my shit.  Only at this time and never again, I think based on this incident, the incident where I drove into the garage door, and falling and breaking my arm texting are perfect examples of just how fucked I would be in the Zombie Apocalypse.  I know what you are going to say, you going to say, but Billy b you took that test and it said would prosper in the apocalypse, but at work playing on facebook bill and facing the shit Bill are two different people. 

At this point the first thing I did was run to my bedroom and closed my bedroom door.  To stop the smoke from turning my bedroom into a snoop dog concert. 

Then I kept asking myself, hey dumbass, you have no fire extinguisher so what are you going to do about this fire.

Well, what was it the Beaver had told me to do with a grease fire?  Was it put flour on it?  No that couldn't be right could it?  I didn't know. I couldn't remember (for the recorded he said baking soda, but hindsight you know).

Do I call 911 and get the fire department here?

Do, I just wait it out and see if it spreads?

I told myself I had to put the fire out.  I had too.  It was necessary.  

So, I went to the kitchen, I pulled out two bags of Almond Flour and cut the tops off and I ventured back outside.  I also realize now that flour cooks and it was probably not the best thing to put on the fire, but hey, I was in a panic. 

So go out and I feel the handle and it is not hot, so I decide to pull the open the smoker door and as I do that, I hear this suck in of air and as I pull up the door of the smoker, I see flames literally jump all over the place.  the stack was on fire inside, all the grates were on fire, and underneath the grates as well.  I almost shit myself right then and there.

However, I did what I came out there to do.  I dumped flour all over the flames and all over myself and the back yard.  However, the smoke kept coming even though the flames died down again.  That is when I thought hey dumb ass, the fire lives on air, if you keep it open the flames are just going to keep coming.  So I slammed the door back down. 

I stood there being washed over by smoke.  I am not shitting you when it was all said in done I smelled like I had been camping and sleeping next to a bone fire. 

I realized, hey dummy get out of the smoke and close your living room door.  I cam in and shiner was sitting there looking at me, and her look was basically, Dude, lets get the fuck out of here.  But I couldn't go.  This was my home. That was my smoker and I love the fucking smoker. 

Still the smoke rolled out.  From the stack, from the sides.  At least it was no longer coming out of the pellet box. 

Then a thought hit me, if that fire spreads and hits your propane tank, your back yard is going to blow up worse than JPP's hand.  So I ran out back and grabbed both propane tanks.  Then all the wood pellets from the storage unit. 

Still, I stood there and thought what do I do.  What do I do?  I looked at Shiner and her look was clear, DUDE, Let's get the fuck out!

Still the smoke kept rolling out.  It was thick.  It was wicked. 

I told myself to call the 911.  Just call them.   Then I actually had this thought, can you believe it.  What will my neighbors say if I do that?  REALLY!  Did I really think that?  I was ashamed. 

However I was like you know what I can't loose my house.  So, I called 911.

The lady was very calm.  I am sure I was not.  She asked me if the fire was spreading.  I said no.  It was in my smoker and contained.  She asked me if anyone was hurt, I said they were not.  She said, would send the fire department. I said should I just go outside and wait on them, she said I should.

So, I finally took Shiner's advice and we got the fuck out.

I tried to Call the Beav, I tried to call home but go no answers.  I stood there and I could smell the burning and the smoker from the side walk. I kept thinking OMG what have I done.

Every now and then I would walk back in and check to see if it was still smoking and.. each time it was less and less.

That is when Captain something from the fire department called. He was very rational. He was like is the fire only in the smoker.  I said yes.  It hasn't spread. I said no.  I said the smoke is slowing down though.

He is like look I am here and I am ready to come.  however, if we come and hose that thing down it will only do more damage not less and if it is contained, then it should burn itself out if it hasn't already.

I told him and I made this call that I would have them not come and call back if the smoke hadn't stopped in the next few hours.  He said ok.

So, two hours later, the thing finally stopped smoking.  It finally stopped.  By the time El Beav sowed up at 6:30 it has started to cool down.

By this morning it was cold.

I don't think I will be smoking anything any time soon.  First, I am not sure if the smoker will recover.  Two, I am not two sure I should be around fire.

I don't know... all in all it was one hell of a scare.  I am exhausted today, I have very little in me.  The good thing is i am OK (except for being terrified of a zombie apocalypse)   and my house is OK.  El beav thinks the smoker will live to smoke another day. You have a look ...

finally, why is Shiner so Serious?  b/c she don't like fire! Just kidding that was pic from before the fire and she is just a serious girl with lots on her mind. 

Anyway, I am microwaving dinner tonight!